NEWSLETTER: "IT'S OFFICIALLY OK TO DO A POO IN THE BATH IF YOU MUSH IT DOWN THE PLUG-HOLE"
This Week:
* TEETH - I see your Darkie and raise you Chinky
* VIDEO - Best misheard lyric ever?
* QUESTION - Why YOU should be fired
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're raping your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| bandwidth... together"
B3ta email 290 - 17 Aug 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue290/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Date rape, shitty knickers and kittens. Maybe
>> Misheard lyrics #763521 <<
CCC has been tackling the "let's purposely
misinterpret lyrics" idea with his usual
attention for madness. We giggled like
rottweilers tearing up a toddler. Assuming dogs
could laugh, which they can't. We think, but
we're not vets, so we don't know.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fart_in_the_duck
>> Does Jesus love you? <<
Mdridiot has been pondering God and whether or
not his love can truly be called conditional.
Thought you'd enjoy a little theology amongst
the usual crap of restaurants with rude names
and references to Hitler and masturbation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Re_Jesus_Loves_You
>> Early 90s Indie MP3 Blog <<
"I'm old", spluffs new_matt, "and I like my
music old. And on vinyl. And indie. So I've
started collecting all my old vinyl records and
using magic to turn them into mp3s." Basically,
if you're English, a bloke, hated sport and
aged between say 30 and 35, then THIS is the
site for you. Maybe.
http://becausemidwaystillarentcomingback.blogspot....
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Fire me! I'm shit!
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to confess why you're
rubbish at your job and why you should be given
the big heave-ho.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/whyishouldbefired/
* "I'M A LIFEGUARD - I can't swim. (silkysean)
* COFFEE BASTARD - "Abbie sat to my left; she
was 21, attractive and jittery with it. If
somebody dropped a file loudly she would
flinch. The mischief switch in my head went and
the challenge was on to see how strong I could
make her coffee before she noticed. A few days
later a manager named John caught me in the
kitchen counting out 4 spoonfuls of coffee into
Abbie’s cup. "What are you doing?” he asked. I
didn’t know he was stood behind me so I was a
bit flustered and just fessed up, “I’m seeing
how much I can drug Abbie with coffee, you
see…if you use more milk it masks the colour
and taste..." I trailed off nervously. It had to
stop a few days later, I was up to 5 spoonfuls
which to put in context is a 1000% increase in
dosage. Abbie was noticeably twitchier. I got a
phone call that was for her, I turned to my
left and said that I was putting a call through
which she duly acknowledged, when she picked up
I said in the killer from 'Scream' voice "HELLO
ABBIE, DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES!?"... She
screamed. Loudly. Then cried. A lot. I’m not
sure drugging colleagues with coffee is a
sackable offence, it should be." (Colonel Dracula)
* "HATS - I excelled this week by opening up
all the mail and trying each envelope on as a
hat one by one. It took half an hour and it was
completely worth it. And if you're stuck for a
balaclava, A4 brown envelopes with the
see-through window is perfect. (MrGomez)
>> This Week's Question <<
They fuck you up, your mum and dad, they don't
mean to, but they do. Give us your Larkins
without the rhymes. Cheers.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/terribleparenting/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Disturbing children's book <<
Always odd when kids' books try to deal with
serious subjects. Here we have "I was sexually
abused and I think I may be gay". Some way away
from "Run Spot Run."
http://dormitem.com/blog/193
>> Epic anal procedure <<
Bloke on a mountain biking site asks if he's
good to go rising on Dartmoor the same day he
has to take a powerful laxative. In response he
gets a long hilariously detailed account of why
it would in no way be a good idea - from
personal experience.
http://snipurl.com/poopyfun
>> Shipman tattoo <<
Cheeky little cartoon of Harold Shipman, inked
permanently onto someone's arm. That's taking
fandom to a new level.
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2007/08/13/hobowars-onl...
>> Superman's secret identity revealed - again <<
It's inexplicable that Superman's managed to
keep his true identity a secret for so long,
being as he uses the lamest disguise ever - a
pair of glasses. And it seems that's not all -
look at the number of times people have managed
to put the pieces together.
http://www.coverbrowser.com/top/supermanrevealed
>> The 'Ball Lifter' <<
It's a wonder bra for the testicles. Whether
that's attractive to women is a matter for some
debate, we think.
http://wildmant.com/shop/showitem.cfm
>> Haggling for hotdogs <<
Interesting article, wherein a bloke decides to
apply bargaining skills to even the most
trivial everyday transactions. But first he has
to learn the basic skills. We find the best way
of getting a good price for something is to
genuinely not be interested in it -
indifference drives those sales guys crazy.
http://snipurl.com/haggler
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It's like animated gifs on demand
>> Kitten fight <<
Two adorable bundles of fluff indulge in
fisticuffs. Their little friend tries to break
it up in an unexpected fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/kittens_have_fight
>> Eastenders beatbox <<
Cute bit of rhythm work based on Eastenders
characters. Oh, actually it is slightly
annoying but the payoff is nice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/eastenders_beatbox
>> Japanese girls black up <<
Noted Japanophile Jonathan Ross examines the
youth phenomenon of Ganguro. This mostly
consists of women dressing in 70s colours,
donning unconvincing face paint and running
round being 'bad'. Inexplicable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ad for new graphics tool <<
It's ticking all the boxes - talking heads with
odd-shaped glasses, gushing rapturously about
the world-shattering quality of their product.
Yup, it's a parody, of course.
http://b3ta.com/links/Don_t_think_this_has_been_po...
>> System Of A Downs <<
Bill is a rock band fronted by singer Bill
Gage; a bloke with fairly severe Down's
Syndrome. As you can imagine, he's putting out
some pretty weird-sounding stuff. Wonder if
he's making any money at it.
http://www.myspace.com/badclothes
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Chinky paste
Jimmywee writes, "the newsletter recently
featured the Chinese 'Darkie' toothpaste, now
renamed 'Darlie'. I was in Hong Kong a couple
of weeks ago, and found that not only is Darlie
still very much in evidence, but another
Chinese manufacturer seems to jumped into the
fast-growing racist toothpaste market." Ideal
for yellow teeth? Sorry.
http://www.crowaptok.com/images/racist_toothpaste....
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: HOW YOU CUT YOUR SIDEYS
Our readers bugger grip tips
Last week we rambled about the best way to trim
your cheek minges to equal length but we little
expected such a flurry of emails on this
surprisingly controversial subject. Your
suggestions included:
* SIMPLE AND OBVIOUS - "why not just shave a
sideburn, put your finger on the end of it,
then shave to the same level on the other
side." (Rushy)
* IMPRACTICAL WHIMSY - "I bought a pair of
crappy sunglasses from Poundland that offered
no protection from the sun so that I could
still see clearly through them. I then cut out
some full mutton shapes from some old Coco Pops
boxes and used duck tape to wrap around the
cardboard making it waterproof and allowed an
easy way to attach to the arms of the
sunglasses. Now just crack them on and shave
around the templates." (L.S.T)
* BEST ANSWER - "it's easier to measure
according to various ear indentations (upper
lobe, mid lobe, lower lobe). If you're going
longer than your earlobes you're a scruffy
hippy anyway, so no one really cares if your
sideburns are uneven because they're too busy
worrying about the smell." (Krang)
And with that, hopefully, the subject of ear
pubes is closed.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Literal Lyrics Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to portray songs
literally.
Two of your three favourites were odes to
masturbation:
* TIGHT FIT - In the Jungle, the mighty jungle,
the lion has logged into Messenger (Dr. Strange)
* DEXYS - Not quite what Kevin Rowland had in
mind when he penned this plea (oAmadeuso)
* THE AUTOMATIC - What's that coming over the
hill? A giant purple cock (mamilla_sarsum)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_song_lyrics/
>> New challenge: Celebrity Afterlife <<
Heaven, Hell or somewhere else altogether: fire
up Photoshop and show us how celebrities will
fare in the afterlife. Challenge suggested by
The Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_afterlife/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
MOBILE PHONE CHARGERS - "A little fact," beams
gphilpots, "In South Korea, all the phones made
there (Samsung, LG) use the same kind of
chargers, so you're unlikely to run out of
power." Very enlightened - shame they don't do
it here, really.
"MY CHOCOLATE RAIN PARODY," confides
RussInLondon, "As posted via B3ta, led to me
being interviewed about Tay Zonday on E! Online
and in the LA Times. It'll be in the print
version on Sunday, apparently." Yay! Hope fame
doesn't destroy you!
http://snipurl.com/1pm5d
SHOE CAMERAS - for taking photos of ladies'
knickers on the underground. That's what we
asked for last week. HomerJH reminds us that
this is indeed the reason why mobile phone
cameras make a noise when they take a picture -
to avoid this sort of thing. "But what with the
smaller wireless cameras now available," he
continues brightly, "a false leg cast could be
used: plenty of space to fit a camera!"
http://snipurl.com/shoecam
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TEST SCIENCE - this sounds like bollocks to
us but Jamie_W writes, "I was reading
'Environmental Enrichment for Captive Animals'
and have come across this piece of information:
'If a chipmunk is housed in a room with a
television left in standby mode, the ultrasound
produced by the television can kill the animal
within two days'." So, if anyone has a chipmunk
they don't use anymore, perhaps they could test
this for us?
* FIREWORK CHALLENGE - If you tied forty or so
rockets to an office chair - would it get off
the ground?
* SAUSAGE SONGS - we think almost all tunes are
improved by changing the main noun in the title
to sausage, e.g., "My own, personal, sausage,
someone to be my friend." Not sure where we're
going with this, maybe you can help?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by blogoscoped,
reject_jon, Cakie Top Tippery by, err remembar
that? Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj
from connor.
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SICKIPEDIA:
A man goes into a library and asks for a book
on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you
won't bring it back."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
