NEWSLETTER: "CRASHING THE MERCEDES OF GOOD TASTE INTO THE TUNNEL OF YOUR INBOX"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Kiddy celeb photos
* QUESTION - Your guilty secrets
* LEGO - Stephen Hawking rendered in brick
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're drinking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tipp-ex thinner, together"
B3ta email 292 - 31 Aug 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue292/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: ACT AND WRITE FOR A SITCOM
Sponsored linky
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You read B3ta, we know you THINK you're funny,
but are you brave enough to play with the big
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Quizzy, Shitty and Catty
>> Celebs as kids quiz <<
Could you recognise a photo of Kurt Cobain as a
child? What about Bruce Willis? Take this
simple, but extremely enjoyable quiz from
Gerport and find out. BTW: You Ginger Furher
scored about 82%. Rah!
http://gerport.com/celebQuiz/
>> 100 Shittiest songs <<
Rotating Wobbly Hat has been playing a
substitution game with song titles, changing
'love' to 'shit'. Doesn't sound promising, but
we gleaned much amusement from such cheap shots
as Aerosmiths' 'Shit in an elevator' and Def
Leppards' 'When shit and hate collide.'
http://members.aol.com/prawnknackers/titles.htm
>> Cat Face 4 <<
Jonti has been build a new cult following with
his mental moggy animations. We were rather
alarmed to pick up a recent copy of the NME -
the one with Tony Wilson on the cover - and
find a nice long write up praising their
genius. So here you go, Cat Face, big with emos.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+4/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sleepwalking
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the inter-web.
Last week we asked for your sleepwalking stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sleepwalking/
* Breaststroke
"I once woke up to hear some strange noises
coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's
place. I found her mum, naked and grunting,
doing a perfect front breast stroke up the
stairs with toilet paper sticking out her
arse. I ran upstairs and was laughing so hard
it took me minutes to say what was happening.
I went to have another look with girlfriend
in tow, to see that she's now reached the
top, doing a swimming front crawl, turning
into her room with a tail of toilet paper
still trailing out her crack. The next
morning at breakfast she said that she had a
dream she was swimming up a waterfall to get
to work, and woke up with friction burns on
her bristols. We never told her what she
actually did." (Donkey Gums)
* You're not my mum
"My cousin, whilst fast asleep, got out of
his bed, walked down the road about 500
yards, opened the front door of a house
(small country town, no one locked their
doors), walked down the hall, entered the
master bedroom and climbed into bed with a
random couple. He awoke in the morning at the
same time as this woman who had her arms
around him. "You’re not my mum." "You’re not
my son." And then they both started
screaming. He gets up and pegs it out of the
room but being a house he’d never been in
before he couldn’t find the way out. He was
running from room to room trying to find the
front door whilst this woman kept screaming
hysterically." (Creamy Discharge)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us your guilty secrets,
so we can blackmail each and every one of you
before retiring to a nice little island in the
South Pacific. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Stuck in the mud <<
"Never trust sat-nav," warns the bloke who's
telling the tale and taking the photos. But
really it should be "Never take an 'unsuitable
for motor vehicles' sign as a driving challenge
and wind up in mud so deep and clinging that
you maroon a succession of breakdown vehicles
in the same stinking morass." And that is good
advice.
http://snipurl.com/sat_nav_is_for_gays
>> Head Hoodies <<
Novelty street wear with celebrity faces.
Should this catch on, you stand the unnerving
prospect of being mugged outside McDonalds by a
bunch of hoodies who resemble Audrey Hepburn.
Brr.
http://www.headhoods.com/
>> Poison ivy rash hall of fame <<
Who would have thought the stuff was so
virulent? Christ, they should have called it
'bastard flesh-bubbling doomweed'. Not safe for
pre-lunch viewing. Particularly if you're going
to eat ivy.
http://www.poison-ivy.org/rash/rash-26.htm
>> Suicide by ball-point pen <<
Ever wondered just how far up your nose you can
push a biro? Possibly something similar was
going through the brain of this (obviously)
disturbed individual. Right before the pointy
tip of the pen entered it. Oh God, we're sorry
- sometimes this stuff just sort of writes
itself.
http://snipurl.com/ballpoint_suicide
>> Lego Hawking <<
Lego playsets they are never going to bring out
#5 - a realistic depiction of acclaimed
physicist Prof Stephen Hawking, with moving
wheels. Or you could reuse the bricks to make a
motorised robot space gun. Your choice.
http://rgh.cc/displayimage.php
>> Unpretentious ad awards <<
Advertising awards organised by some industry
magazine. Several nice categories including
'best use of plagiarism' and 'reject of the
year'. Check out this year's nominations - some
stuff reminiscent of the b3ta board on display.
http://www.chipshopawards.com/nominations/2007/
>> Expensive typo <<
How much could missing a letter out cost you.
In the case of this unfortunate it was
$503,000. First link is his initial listing,
the second is the guy who bought it and
re-listed it. Ouch. eBay's expired auction
tracking can be so harsh sometimes.
http://tinyurl.com/ysd89b
http://tinyurl.com/2q2e37
>> Bic bow and arrow <<
Part of our continuing series on how to stalk
and kill your fellow office workers. Neatly
solves the 'rubber band bites the hand that
feeds' issue that so often mars this type of
endeavour. Anyway, next week we'll probably be
covering how to start a cooking fire and
setting a simple bivouac between desks.
http://www.instructables.com/id/E7B934L6M5EQ6T2IG5...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The nice bit without any AIDS lols
>> Sleepy cats <<
Always a winner - massive gallery of kitties
dozing in odd positions and locations.
http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions
>> Orphan hedgehogs think brush is their mummy <<
Another classic from the Daily Mail which
surely must have an entire special department
devoted to rooting out stories over-brimming
with both pathos and fluffiness.
http://snipurl.com/daily_mail_are_poo
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Coz words are for losers dumm ass!
>> Anna Nicole Smith outages <<
If we'd said "bloopers" you might have got the
wrong idea. But honestly, our deepest
sympathies to the crew as the former Playmate
flubs her way through a Tesco Value Die Hard.
We suspect she may have been using some sort of
pharmaceuticals - surely nobody can be that bad
an actor?! Also note - her breasts are scarily
huge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Why Americans can't locate the US <<
It's been doing the rounds this week but we'd
be remiss if we didn't give you the opportunity
to listen once again to a panic-stricken Miss
Teen South Carolina completely failing to make
sense. Nice to see her go back on telly,
though, to explain herself. Or rather just say
"Doh."
http://www.maniacworld.com/what-is-she-talking-abo...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Arseholes
We've recently been reminded of the rather rude
song that goes, "Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier
went to war. Too piss, too piss, two pistols by
his side. Fuck you, Fuck you, For curiosity. To
fight for his cunt, to fight for his cunt, to
fight for his country." Also not a million
miles form m.pearce suggestion that, "This URL
speaks for itself."
http://www.aarsol.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the AIDS Challenge
Last week we wanted you to combat AIDS.
Your favourites included:
* THE HEF - Everyone's favourite
octogenarian lethario is still alive.
He must be doing something right (Guy
Incognito)
* SAVILLE - Nicely subtle, but certainly
not lacking in impact (1.618...)
* RUBBER - The old messages are the
best. Nice and colourful too (custard)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aids/
>> New challenge: Monkey Movies <<
Imagine, if you will, that monkeys rule
Hollywood. What movies will they
re-make? The Apes Of Wrath? Any Gibbon
Sunday? Macaque to the Future? Your
primate punnage starts now. Challenge
robbed from Tarka the Frotter.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
POP SONG IN 30 DAYS - Journalist Rhodri Marsden
writes up the story behind the song we featured
last week. And a most interesting read it is
too. Still, his status as our Facebook friend
is in dire jeopardy as he neglected to mention
us even once - the unspeakable cunt!
http://rhodri.biz/diy-internet-popstar/
PAYING £3,800 IN COINS - insertspam takes issue
with claims that this sum would take four
strong men to lift. "Essentially, for any
significant amount, only £1, £2 and £5 coins
are legal tender. The weight can be increased
with £10 of 50p pieces, £10 of 20p pieces, etc.
But, realistically, £3,800 is not going to
weigh more than 40 kilogrammes (in £1 coins,
£3,800 weighs 36.1kg as a pound coin is 9.5
grammes). "I can lift up my wife and she weighs
more than 40 kg," he continues, somewhat
ungallantly. Ah well, nice story anyway.
http://www.royalmint.com/Help/faqs.aspx#faq42
T-SHIRT BLEACHING - "I had a bash at it," hugs
Wuggl3z. The results are rather pleasing, but
sadly no cockage.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/wugglez/DSCF...
COLOSTOMY SEX - "I have no photos," reveals
twmdavies to our immense relief, "But I do have
some info which may be of interest.
"I had a ileostomy as a result of having the
whole of my large intestine removed. This is
similar to a colo, but leaving the ileus, the
tip of the small intestine stitched inside out to
my abdomen. Thoroughly unpleasant, but at least
i had a good come back in a bar room brawl if
someone offered to 'tear me a new ass hole'.
"Now obviously having your guts on your abdomen
means you are going to be a bit curious while
in hospital for 3 weeks and I can testify that
the wall of the small intestine is the
smoothest most lovely touch sensation in the
world. Imagine a tight warm hole made out of
something akin to the fabric of which the
inside of your cheek is woven. (Ohhh all those
millions of microvilli are softer than velvet).
"So anyway, I'm not a sicko and haven't tried
it but colostomy sex may not be that different
to bum sex if there is no poo in the tract
(depending on how low down the colostomy was
made) - but ileostomy sex would be the nastiest
thing I can imagine because your cock would be
immediately immersed in pancreatic juices and
enzymes which would start to breakdown your
manhood.
"If engaging in such activity, you should get
out quick." Amen to that, brother!
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOHICAN TIPS - "The sideburns/earbrows
correspondence has me wondering if any of your
delightful readers know of a technique for
doing an even mohawk in the mirror.", writes
godisdead, "The best method I've found so far
was bending a coathanger and hooking it into a
nostril to form guide-rails. I say best method
because while it was ultimately ineffective and
quite painful, it did make me look like a
pig-man." What is it that Digg says - photos or
it didn't happen?
* CELEBRITY VERBS - "Celebrities whose names
imply they do something. Jeremy Irons. Gordon
Banks. Tom Waits. Go on, sit and have a think.
You'll get at least five if you try.", so says
catachresis who also mentions we should stick
this in "the bit at the end of the newsletter
that's always shit." Cheers!
* TANTOOS - With the recent sunshine we were
admiring the lovely ladies sunning themselves
on Hampstead Heath idly wondering about making
temporary tattoos my gluing plastic stencils on
skin and letting sunshine do the rest. Your
Ginger Fuhrer is far too gingery for such
tanning experiments, but maybe some of our more
olive skinned readers could experiment?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES SAID IN A VERY FAST
VOICE LIKE AT THE END OF A RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collatalliesisters,
Funkyjams, pippy is a truck, mr_chopper, saul
ezra taylor, hahn, saladin zero, Top Tippery by
x Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
Mike is addicted to spoons? Yay to DogHorse for
the newsletter title.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're
not falling for that one again.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
