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This Week:
* QUESTION - Your personal-ad dating hell...
* OUCHY OUCHY VIDEO - Bum branding

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B3ta email 294 - 14 Sep 2007

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  Fanbanta Football Quiz

  Could you see Wayne Rooney as a kid? If you
  can imagine his ugly, shrek-like mug in
  child-like form – you’ll be good at this. We
  have 50 kiddie pictures of professional
  football players (and Frank Lampard) – all you
  have to do is tell us who they are! It’s the
  only fun and legal way of looking at kiddie
  pics on the net!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Hey ad people - bung us a few quid. Cheers.


  Plod, Grey bloke and Scooby

  >> Police game <<
  "Hello b3ta," jives listenupsucka, "I made a
  police pursuit game based on permatanned
  super-honky Sheriff John Bunnell. Please,
  please, please pimp me in your newsletter -
  for the soundclips I had to download 30 hours
  of 'World's Wildest Police Videos'
  authoritarian bons mots." Ok then, just this
  once, you can use our arsehole as a cunt.

  >> Grey Bloke cartoon <<
  "You said you liked my previous Grey Bloke
  cartoon," mumbles Madridiot, "So here's the
  latest one, just in case you need filler this
  week." Don't put yourself down Mr Madridiot,
  you're very talented and we're sure you'll
  meet a nice girl one day.

  >> Buy my Mystery Mobile! <<
  I_am_man has painted up his VW Camper Van to
  look like a prop from Scooby Doo. Do you have
  a £1000 burning a hole in your pocket?


  Too Much Information

  Last week we wanted the situations you've been
  in where someone's provided a little too much

  "My Gran’s dear departed sister, Annie, was a
  lovely woman. Mad as cheese, but sweet and
  kind and tough as old boots. By the time she
  reached the age of 85, she’d survived breast
  cancer, cervical cancer, pneumonia, and she’d
  gone totally blind after refusing to have her
  cataracts treated and leaving it until too
  late. She ended up in hospital shortly before
  she died; her son came round for lunch to tell
  us that she wasn’t too good physically, but
  mentally she was in good spirits. But he
  warned us that should we decide to go see her,
  we should be prepared that there had been
  some, well, complications pertaining to her
  blindness. Because she’d not had her cataracts
  removed, an infection had built up behind her
  eye. This had built up pus and bacterial
  detritus over a period of time, which hadn’t
  been spotted. The pressure build up behind her
  eye had got so great that her eye had
  exploded. The nurse had come in to find the
  remnants of Annie’s eye ball hanging halfway
  down her cheek by her occular nerve. It was at
  this point that I put down the cherry tomato
  that I had been eating and went to be quietly
  sick in the bathroom." (Rakky)
  "My mother is a hardcore feminist. Nowt wrong
  with that, but she is of the scary-hairy,
  ball- breaking, man-hating maniac variety. For
  as far back as my memory goes, she has
  regularly tried to engage me in conversation
  about my vagina. She used to tell me all about
  her sex life at great length and in great
  detail. But the worst thing she ever did,
  worse than the masturbation tutorials, worse
  than inviting me to inspect her labia, was
  locking the two of us in a tiny toilet cubicle
  together and making me watch her insert a
  tampon. She stood up, naked from the waist
  down, put one pale, heavily-muscled leg up
  against the wall for easy access and barked a
  running commentary at me as she shoved a
  tampon into her bloody vagina, greying pubes
  glistening, a maniacal, I-am-woman-
  hear-me-roar expression in her mad, rolling
  eyes." (grandmasterfluffles)
  * PO HO HO
  "At the age of 3, daughter proudly emerged
  from the bog to tell me she'd done a poo
  shaped like Santa." (mudskipper)

  And a big thank you to Pooflake for giving us
  a new word, overheard in a campsite loo:

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Ever placed a personal ad? Ever seriously
  replied to one?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Weird meat <<
  Funny thing about Chinese takeaway is that
  it's not really representative of Chinese
  cuisine. Which is disgusting to the point of
  causing psychological scars, if this food blog
  is anything to go by. Drunken Shrimp is
  particularly grim.

  >> Barbie electric chair <<
  Step-by-step instructions on how to execute
  your glamour doll buddy with the humane,
  cleansing power of electricity! The make-up is
  a nice detail.

  >> Vege-Art <<
  Lovely, inventive art made from vegetables -
  might be familiar to you if you frequent the
  more poncey kind of greetings card shop as we
  often do. The gathering of grinning peppers
  and orange near the end fair put the wind up
  us though - sinister!

  >> Second Life Unicorn Porn <<
  Get cute little unicorn babies to play with in
  Second Life. Seems all you have to do is have
  graphic low-polygon sex with an adult unicorn.
  A small price to pay indeed.

  >> Best livestock auctioneer mp3s <<
  The Livestock Marketing Association has made
  available its extensive archive of Livestock
  Auctioneer of the Year winners dating back to
  1963. A bit of remixing and there has to be a
  novelty yodelling-style hit in here somewhere.

  >> Dirty Mozart <<
  'Lick me in the arse' is a canon in B Major by
  Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, probably done as a
  joke for his mates. His publisher posthumously
  bowdlerised it and the original was only
  rediscovered in 1991. That's the thing with
  being quite so prolific... we'll probably see
  the same thing after Stevie Wonder dies. You
  don't wanna know what the real lyrics are to
  'I just called to say I love you.' 

  >> This is The Future: c.1910 <<
  Entertaining illustration of early 20th
  century Frenchmen's predictions for the year
  2000. Lots of flying police and robot
  hairdressers. Maybe they were right; the
  millennium was a long time ago and we were
  probably drunk.

  >> Upside-down house <<
  Workers building this peculiar bit of public
  art took about four times as long as they
  normally would because they were disorientated
  by the strange angles of the walls. Looking at
  it, you can see why. It makes us slightly


  Because Ascii-art lols aren't enough for you

  >> "Leave Britney alone, you bastards!" <<
  2.4 million views in just 48 hours and with
  reason. Weeping tranny Chris Cocker jumps to
  defend the erstwhile pop sensation in her hour
  of greatest need.

  >> Kitten eating melon <<
  Aww so cute! He holds it in his little paws
  and just nibbles away. Nom nom nom nom nom nom
  nom nom nom nom!

  >> Here's to Dead Pets <<
  Props to Log of Law of the Playground fame
  (judge it by the website, not the rubbish TV
  show) for this obituary to all the animals his
  friend Jennifer has lost under her careful

  >> Gerry McCann interviewed about sedatives <<
  Not the most cheerful thing, but no subject
  has got B3ta Towers more talkative than the
  endless 'did they, didn't they do it'
  speculation on the McCann story. This clip of
  Gerry being asked, "Did you sedate Maddy?"
  produces an alarming response as he tugs his
  ear and stumbles over the word 'sedative'. As
  one observer writes, "Wow. It's like a classic
  TV clip of 'we know this person is lying


  Ikea and Tina Turner

  Chris90uk complains, "They have gone and done
  it - spoiled all our fun taking the piss out
  of their names by creating the Kolon floor
  protector." The Scandinavian shits!

  BTW: We've just thought of a BRILLIANT
  campaign for Ikea with Gary Glitter singing,
  "I care, you care, we really do care, I care,
  You care, Ikea!" Advertising people, please
  send us money now.


  Chav Map

  B3ta boarder Emvee has spent the last few
  weeks playing with a London Tube to make it
  look like Burberry. Is he saying that London
  is full of pikeys? Quite possibly. BTW: Emvee
  first caught our attention making those
  "Ginger Fuhrer is a transvestite" cartoons we
  featured a few months back.


  Results from the Animal Secrets Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what animals get
  up to when we're not looking.

  Your favourites included:
  * POLAR BEAR 1 - Squeal with delight as the
  secret partnership between polar bears and
  seals is revealed (Pachey)

  * KITTEN GETAWAY - Roar with pleasure as this
  feline Thelma & Louise flee an airborne
  terrier (bloop)

  * POLAR BEAR 2 - Shriek with mirth as this
  ingenious bear blacks up for the ladies (Joe

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Elvis <<
  It's time for another one of b3ta's occasional
  one-word challenges, where the only limit is
  your own creativity. This one? ELVIS.
  Challenge suggested by Mictoboy.


  Follow-ups on previous thingamajigs

  * NAKED STEVE - Mr_SD spluffs, "Remember Steve
  with the champagne cork... and the balls...
  and the pain...? Well we may have branded his
  arse too. And yes that is an N and an S for
  'Naked Steve'." Eek. If the last one isn't
  homerotic enough.

  * TANTOOS - Pfy "had a go at this", not very
  successfully mind you. We'd still like to see
  someone tan an image using, say, jism onto a
  lady's tits.

  * THANKYOUS - "Thank you so much for linking
  to my flash toy FEED THE HEAD in your
  newsletter!" smiles Patrick Smith, "I have
  been confused and delighted by b3ta for years
  now, and am tickled to learn that I have
  returned the favour." Gah, we feel all loved
  now! Here you go Patrick, have another link.

  * WORD SUBSTITUTION - irsimon claims the best
  version of this idea is to replace the word
  fight for wank. Here goes, "The first rule of
  Wank Club is - you do not talk about Wank
  Club. The second rule of Wank Club is you DO
  NOT talk about Wank Club. Third rule of Wank
  Club, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps
  out, the wank is over. Fourth rule, only two
  guys to a wank. Fifth rule, one wank at a
  time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirts, no shoes.
  Seventh rule, wanks will go on as long as they
  have to. And the eighth and final rule, if
  this is your first night at Wank Club, you
  have to wank." *Raises an eyebrow to pretend
  that B3ta is above this sort of thing*

  * CELEBRITY VERBS - many emails sent in on
  this including Ash who suggested Leanne Rhimes
  (no it doesn't), and airliebird74 who blathers
  rather entertainingly, "We used to play a game
  where we would come up with Celebrity Verb
  one-upmanship. One memorable exchange went:-

  'Ok, Celeb Cricket match, Peter Bowles,'
  'Sally Fields, Gracie Fields and WC Fields',
  'Erm....Mike Batt?'

  and Celeb Cooking
  'Don't let Stephen Fry,'
  'But let Robin Cook,'
  'Will Katie Boyle?'
  'Only if we let Danny Bak-er!'

  And finally, giant_squid points out that, "It
  has been a running B3ta project of mine to
  find celebrity verbs of this kind, and
  photoshop them." Fucking hell, right under our
  nose, hundreds of the fuckers.


  MISSION OBJECTIVE: You are a god-like
  mouse-pointer whose one goal in life is to
  make balls go into buckets. Using only your
  power to arrange the angle of the shelves you
  see before you, can you fulfil your life's



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  Birdie Song.

  * SQUARE SCOTCH EGGS - as greenycrimson
  complains, "I'm sick of the wee fuckers
  rolling around in my lunch-box, and this is
  the sort of madness that B3tans excel at."

  * GOATSE JELLY MOULD - c'mon - can't someone
  at school with access to vacuum forming
  equipment help us out here?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Flood.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke and
  we all love B4ta. Newsletter title from
  Jessie. Who is a lady.

  Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills,
  they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies,
  "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in
  the kitchen?!"

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