NEWSLETTER: "NOW WITH 25 MILLION MORE SUBSCRIBERS"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Elephant darts
* QUESTION - B3ta goes Daily Mail
* COMPO - 'shop a Transformer and win a Macbook
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "COLOSTOMY: OVERUSE
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | OF THE SEMI COLON"
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B3ta email 304 - 23 Novhombre 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue304/
Sub: [email protected]
Dom: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gay, Sprouts and Lightbulbs
>> Don't be gay! <<
"Hey guys," purrs Kirby. "You might enjoy this
short video I made about preventing inadvertent
homosexuality." We not only enjoyed it, we are
actually following its advice, after some
slightly worrisome moments watching it.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/03.htm
>> Sprouty Christmas <<
Ah, the old-time Christmas of Yore; horses
trotting through the snow-covered streets; rosy
cheeked carollers in top hats; Eyegas's 'Attack
of the Sprouts' (2005). The man with
leguminous/festive proclivities is back with a
sort of sequel. Eat as many sprouts as you can,
while venting wind to avoid a nasty explosion.
http://www.eyegas.com/sproutifarts/
>> Arty farty lightbulbs <<
Bored with the bog-standard design of
energy-saving bulbs, emotionblurred has come up
with some alternative looks that actually make
a feature out of their bizarre shape. It's a
nice thought, although you'd probably go blind
actually looking at them.
http://www.plumen.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Desperate Times
Last week we asked for stories of desperation:
http://b3ta.com/questions/desperatetimes/
* PENGUINS - "I think I was 9 or 10, sat in the
back of the car. Idly gazing out of the window
I saw a guy come half running, half tripping
out of Kwik-Save. He looked slightly different;
a look I'd later discover was caused by Downs
Syndrome, but that didn't matter. The thing
that struck me so hard was the look of pure
determination on his face: clutched lovingly in
both of his hand was a single packet of Penguin
chocolate bars. Seven individually wrapped bars
wrapped in one long pack. The moment he was out
of the store he started to tear at the
cellophane wrapper. He'd clearly been looking
forward to them all day. He'd been and got
them, they were all his, and now... Now it was
all going wrong. The plastic packaging seemed
to be impervious to his efforts. He was a
strong looking guy, but he simply didn't seem
to have the knack of opening them. He must have
only tried for 10 or 15 seconds with the
package skittering around in his fingers, but
during this time his determined expression went
through joy, desperation, utter panic, and
then, horribly as tears welled up in his eyes -
total and utter crushing defeat. He sat on the
pavement not three meters from the car and,
clutching the penguins to his chest, started to
sob and cry. I looked out of the window, hands
pressed against it and completely powerless to
help. My dad dropped the clutch and we began to
move again. I begged him to stop: I wanted to
show him I cared and open his penguins for him,
but dad said we had no time. Sat here, 20 years
on, I can still see his face in every detail,
and the frustration of it all makes tears well
up and puts a lump in my throat." (Humpty
Dumpty was Pushed)
* KITTENS - "This is a friend's act of
desperation, but also an act of pathetic
genius. He wanted a cat. His mother didn't want
a cat about the house. So he bought a kitten,
and just before bringing it home, he poured
water all over it. Then he told her that
someone had put it in a bag and thrown it in a
river. She felt so sorry for the wee kitty she
let him keep it. He was 26 at the time." (Dr
Preference)
* NAPPIES - "A friend was on a long drive home
with her baby son in the car. She got stuck in
a long tail back, traffic moving very, very
slowly. Fortunately her baby had just been fed
and was sleeping soundly. Unfortunately she was
desperate for a pee. She tried thinking of
other things. She tried listening to the radio.
She tried singing along. She tried crossing her
legs (no mean feat when you're trying to
drive). Eventually she gave in. Grabbing the
baby's change bag she retrieved a clean nappy,
opened it up, slipped it under her skirt,
knickers aside and began to pee. Baby nappies
are designed for baby amounts of pee. She
attempted to stop the flow... The baby was
still very young and she hadn't been as
diligent with her pelvic floor exercises as she
should have been. It cost 40 pounds to get the
car valeted." (chickenlady)
>> This Week's Question <<
Has Political Correctness gone mad, or is that
just a convenient newspaper cliché? Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/politicalcorrectness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Is it Christmas? <<
Not much to say about this that wouldn't spoil
the gag. BTW: Also available as a RSS feed.
http://www.isitchristmas.com/
>> Fold a towel elephant <<
Got a spare towel? Need an elephant? Help is at
hand with this guide to creating an elephant
out of a towel. Why not stuff a few in your
airing cupboard and build a playtime elephant
graveyard for the kids?
http://www.wikihow.com/Fold-a-Towel-Elephant
>> Extremely harsh web comic <<
We met a bloke who worked with Viz the other
day, he mentioned that they'd complain "There's
no good new talent anymore" and he'd say, "Why
don't you open the pile of submissions that's
500-deep in the other room?" Anyway, THIS is
what they should be publishing, not rubbish
sub-b3ta photoshops.
http://www.electricretard.com/0010.html
>> 'Money shots' <<
Imaginative use of dollars, lining up the
artwork with the public monuments depicted. For
bonus points try with British notes and the
Queen or Florence Nightingale.
http://de.fishki.net/picsw/112007/19/bonus2/2.jpg
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Puppies on-the-go
Dog panniers doesn't sound too promising, but
look at their cute little faces! We're just sad
that our mums can't carry us to work like that.
http://www.internet-memes.com/images/puppiesontheg...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Talking cats revisited <<
A new soundtrack added to the 'talking cats'
vid that has been around a while. Nice voice
characterisation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiem
>> Elephant darts <<
Darts contest between a human and an elephant.
Interesting that there seems to be a definite
correlation between one's weight and one's
proficiency at the noble, winged sport.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Three ways to melt chocolate bunnies <<
Those Dutch love a memento mori. Stylish film
of chocolate rabbits being slowly destroyed to
the accompaniment of a mellow, crooning
soundtrack. Both pretty and disturbing.
http://www.lernert.nl/haas.html
>> Bouncing sheep <<
Sheer fluffy joy as Bambi the sheep happily
jumps about on her owners' bed. Aww.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kids_just_love_to_jump_o...
>> Petition to ban water <<
Old but amusing stunt by Penn & Teller, getting
the well-meaning-but-stupid to lend their names
to a campaign aimed at banning the use of
life-giving H2O. There's a moral there, but we
were too busy laughing at the thickies to pay
it much mind.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_m_starting_a_petition_...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny, still not a corner
"For your never-ending list of funny names",
writes Emily Nixon, "Local police officer Sgt.
Ray Pugh was involved in a high speed chase
here in metro Atlanta the other day." In case
you've missed the joke try saying 'Ray Pugh'
out loud.
http://snipurl.com/killyourselfnow
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Kids' TV Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what happened
next for the characters of kids' TV.
Your favourites included:
* MOWGLI - life after the jungle was never
going to be easy (Damocles)
* CAPTAIN SCARLET - Without the Mysterons to
battle, the good Captain's career took an
unexpected turn east (Beau Bo d'Or)
* ZIPPY - with Bungle no longer at his side,
Zippy's life was one tragedy after another (The
Great Architect)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kidstv/
>> New challenge: Transformers <<
Oooh, we've got a sponsored image challenge:
Paramount is releasing the Transformers DVD on
the 3rd of December and wants you to take an
ordinary thing, say a stapler, and photoshop it
into a Transformer. Best of all? We've got a
shed-load of prizes to give away: a lovely
Macbook, an HD DVD player, and 5 HD DVD copies
of the film.
http://snipurl.com/transformersdvdchall
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NO HANDS IN THE NEWS - remember the kitten
with his hands up? He's been implicated in a
very serious crime and we're dreadfully sorry.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/from1993/2050365710/
* PERETUAL PENCIL PEDANTRY - meercat writes
(and we can't be arsed to give you the back
story as we're so, so bored of this), "The last
bit of s.bradshaw's 'How Long Can a Pencil
Draw' calculation assumes there 1500 metres in
a mile, but there are 1600. So it should be
5.5e4 / 1600 = 34.37 miles (assuming the rest
was correct). Hopefully this will stem the tide
of people complaining their pencil ran out 2
miles too soon." Also thanks to the literally
three or four people who pointed out that the
whole thing is an exercise in futility, as the
pencil has not been sharpened.
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: JOEL AND WEEBL'S SHONKY ADS
Linking them coz otherwise they'll hit us
Joel and Jonti both have soft-toy tie-ins to
flog to you in the all-important pre-festive
retail window - and they are not shy about
telling you. We can vouch for Jonti's badgers
being a nice little pressie you could get even
for someone who'd never heard of the internet.
Joel's offering is rather more peculiar - but
the demented energy of the ending made us grin.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Baby+Badgers/
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rathergood_Toys_Song
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HEWLETT PACKARD RHYMING SLANG FOR KNACKERED -
organise the black ops PR campaign, we know you
can do it as you did such a good job with James
Blunt / cunt.
* DMCA / YCMA MASH UP - "Old man, there's a
place you can go. I said, old man, when you're
short on your dough. It's fun to sue with the
D.C.M.A"
* FACEBOOK APPLICATION JAMMER - please oh
please can someone make something that stops
all requests from all applications except ones
on an approved list. Our list.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chickenlady, kip666
Top Tippery by FNORD Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. B4ta la la la. Thanks to Tacky
Tiger for the lovely title.
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NOTSICKIPEDIA:
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my
door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
