we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* SONG - Jonti sings about pork
* 'FUNNY' NAME CORNER -  Isle of Man Meat
* SEX SEX SEX - the word sex written thrice

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "38th greatest website
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     in the world...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      er, thanks FHM."

B3ta email 305 - 30 Nov 2007

Read this issue in your browser:

    Mario's Cafe:  [email protected]
  Pedro's Cafe:  [email protected]

  See a pretty boy take a good fisting from Ricky

  Win Hatton vs. Mayweather tickets, flights and
  5 Las Vegas nights! We know Hatton will
  flatten Mayweather, and batter that (soon to
  be ex) 'pretty boy' around the ring.
  Floor-shaking punches, cacophonous Vegas
  atmosphere, celebrity coat-tail clutchers. Get
  ready to rrrruuuuuuuumbbbbbbleeeee with

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Grey, Pork, Wallets and Porn

  >> Pork! <<
  Jonti this week usurps Joel's meaty crown with
  this heartfelt paean to this most disturbingly
  delicious product of the butcher's craft. It's
  a cavalcade of cavorting, gurning swine who
  are pleased to meet you. 

  >> All the crap in my wallet <<
  As all men know, the bulk and heft of your
  wallet is a direct reflection of your manhood.
  And that is why we stuff them with every
  receipt, sweet wrapper or Tube ticket that
  passes through our hands. But there comes a
  time when there's no room for money anymore -
  then there's a clearout. New_matt has obliged
  us with a pic of all the rubbish he fished out
  of his. We're toying with the idea of stealing
  his identity and using his WHSmith reward
  points for evil.

  >> Pick me a porn name! <<
  "Years ago i did some temp work filming porn,"
  explains postbear. "The guys I worked for
  recently asked if i wanted to shoot some more
  for them. Needing cash and knowing it's
  hilarious, I said yes. But I need a porn name
  to work with. Please to assign me something
  crude yet refined." He's keen to insist that
  he is staying firmly *behind* the camera, but
  we've all seen porn - things can get crazy. 

  >> Grey Bloke 11 <<
  Madriot's Grey Bloke explains just how selfish
  his ex-wife was. It rapidly becomes crystal
  clear why he's perennially sat, glazed, in
  front of the telly whenever we see him. 


  Political Correctness Gone Mad

  Last week we opened a can of worms and got you
  all rabidly arguing with each other about PC:

  Here's three stories that made us laugh:
  * TYPO OF DOOM - "We'd been commissioned by a
  rather large educational company to create a
  web site that allowed children to play games
  against each other. It was early in the
  development stage, and we’d knocked together a
  2D beat-em-up, mortal kombat style game.
  Throughout the design phase the client had
  specified that they would prefer one character
  to be Caucasian and the other African
  American, in order to appeal to the various
  minority groups and appear welcoming. So we
  settled upon a stocky, punkish sort of fellow
  with a green Mohawk, and a tall, black
  gangster kind of dude. We'd also inserted a
  chat screen below the main action, where the
  two kids fighting could communicate with each
  other. All was going well with presenting this
  to the client remotely: my boss was on-site
  with the client talking them through it before
  allowing one of the big honchos to play
  against me, safely nestled back in our office.
  We began and I noticed the movements of the
  client's character were a bit erratic. I
  initially assumed it was network lag, until I
  notice he kept moving away from me. He was
  confused as to which character was his, so I
  attempted to help using the chat screen: "I’m
  the punk, you're the bigger guy." Except,
  during the creation the computer keyboard,
  some intelligent bigot had decided to place
  the B key right next to the N key. My quick
  follow up of "*bigger" convinced no one that I
  wasn't a racist." (striker84)
  * MONKEY - "For some reason me and my wife
  starting calling each other monkey. I'm a big
  black guy. She's a petite white Russian girl.
  Nothing racial in it, and it wasn't until I
  mentioned to her once that she probably
  shouldn't use it in public that I had to tell
  her it's a racist term. In the pub, she's
  forgotten, and says, "My little monkey, can
  you get me a drink?" Silly eavesdropping
  middle-aged yank woman at the table next to us
  decides to intervene: "You shouldn't use that
  language against that poor man. Just because
  he is not white, you can't call him a monkey
  and make him get you drinks!" My wife speaks
  perfect English having lived in Australia
  since she was 17 and now in London, but turned
  up the Russian accent and responded back, "I'm
  sorry, what do you call your n-words here?"
  The woman stammered, thought for a second,
  then said, "We call them African-English".
  WTF? If I'd been able to stop cracking up at
  the bar, I would have told her off for that."
  * SPAZ - "Once in a supermarket, the young guy
  on the checkout had what I assume was a form
  of motor neurone disease. He asked how I was,
  we made smalltalk, he was steadily keying
  stuff into the till, and even helped me pack.
  Although he had trouble opening a couple of
  carrier bags. I paid and he looked at me
  sheepishly as he took several attempts to fish
  the correct change from the till. I grinned
  and said, "you take your time mate". However,
  the woman behind me was huffing and puffing
  and getting impatient, and started taking
  stuff off the belt back into her basket to go
  to another checkout. I tutted, and he called
  over to her in an exaggerated accent, "Is it
  'cos I'm a spaz?" I laughed so hard, my knees
  buckled and I had to put my shopping down."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Got a mate who lies through their teeth? How
  far did they go before it all came crashing
  down around them? Tell us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Weird static game <<
  We don't normally linky PC games that you have
  to download and install, but we're making an
  exception for this oddity. A platform game
  played entirely in static, combining
  properties of both schizophrenia and Manic
  Miner, if you play it and develop epilepsy,
  don't come crying to us, because we have no
  time for your internet tears.

  >> Mr Splashy Pants <<
  Greenpeace has stuck up a poll to name a
  whale, including an obvious winner, Mr Splashy
  Pants. A B3tard named 'mince' stuck up a
  message on our links board, 'I say we all vote
  for 'Mr Splashy Pants' - the only good one on
  there!' At the time Splashy was languishing at
  1%, this sparked a bit of a campaign, and a
  few days later it's a 71% win for the
  amusingly-named blubbery mammal. We can only
  wonder if the 'Mr Splashy Pants effect' will
  now be used to describe the internet's
  tendency to always vote for the silliest
  option. Remember the poll about The Spice
  Girls being forced to play in Baghdad? Now
  you'll be able to say - with the full
  authority of the B3ta newsletter - ah that's
  the Mr Splashy Pants Effect.

  >> Lol vogue <<
  We're getting some easy laughs looking at
  silly fashion photos captioned with lolcat
  stylee phrasing. All together now, "OH. HAI. I
  NIDDED YOU A SCARF." BTW: We're also amused
  that we can no longer see the font 'impact'
  without reading it in a lolcat voice. Which
  makes old KLF CDs more amusing than they
  should be. 

  >> We *heart* Phillip Schofield <<
  Being followers of Phillip since his days in
  the broom cupboard, to his starring role in
  Joseph in the West End, and most recently on
  the coach with Fern ion This Morning, we're
  delighted to join our fellow Phil fans on this
  fantastic website. 

  >> Secret photos! <<
  Visit a museum these days and there's bound to
  be a sign saying "no photography", which is a
  bit cunty, as it's simply a way of getting
  punters to pay for crap postcards in
  gift-shops. So erect penis yays to
  strictlynophotography, it's like a flickr for
  camera phone anarchists. Up the revolution

  >> Gay science <<
  Can't remember for the life of us what this
  link was about, but we remember reading it two
  in the morning going, "oh, that's interesting,
  oh that's a bit obvious, oh that's really
  interesting." And now? You can have exactly
  the same experience, thanks b3ta! you're
  really spoiling us!


  Only two vids - but it's the two BESTEST vids

  >> Billys Bailey and Bragg duet <<
  A heart-warming sight as legendary protest
  rocker Billy Bragg takes to the stage with
  Bill Bailey to sing the Bragg parody song
  Unisex Chip Shop.

  >> World's fastest clapper <<
  It's a fairly useless talent, but this is Kent
  Toast's claim to fame. He's an engaging chap
  and it's undeniable that he can move his hands
  very quickly, but the faces that he pulls are
  a mite disturbing.


  Renamed 'omg funny rofls' corner

  * ISLEOFMANMEAT.COM - "I mistakenly read their
  name out loud whilst at the Good Food Show,"
  explains Tunstall. We can only imagine the
  looks that drew, sounding as it does like some
  sort of cri de couer. Anyway, anyone else
  wishing to pursue their love of man-meat can
  find them at:


  Results from the Transformers Challenge

  To mark the DVD release of the Transformers
  movie on December 3rd, Paramount gave us lots
  of prizes.

  And the winners are:
  * CLOTHBOT - Sheep won with a surprisingly
  late entry, proving you can enter an image
  challenge the day before it closes and still
  get enough votes (an amazing 249!) to win. He
  fully deserves his new Macbook, which we're
  told will be ordered next week and sent
  shortly after. BTW: Click the Youtube linky to
  see it in its full coloured glory.

  * TEABOT - HappyToast's entry was a firm
  favourite at B3ta Towers, as for our money,
  there's nothing funnier than a cup that pisses
  tea. And guess what? Mr Toast is SUCH a nice
  man he's donated his prize of a HD DVD player
  to Great Ormond Street Hospital.

  * RUNNERS UP - and we also had DVDs to give
  away to c_kick, Zak McFlimby, Mystery Bob,
  collapsibletank & mutated monty. And a special
  mention to C_kick who put in an extraordinary
  effort with his monstrous church:
  * AND FINALLY -  it would be RUDE not mention
  Cyriak's entry, as it's a perfect
  representation of how certain members of the
  team feel after a night on the tramp juice.

  All these entries, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here, and to keep our
  challenge sponsor happy, "remember, remember
  the 3rd of December, for that's when the
  Transformers DVD is in the shops." Right,
  moving on swiftly!

  >> New challenge: Animal Suicides <<
  Do animals commit suicide? Yes, of course they
  do... and more often than not it's in grim,
  horrific, bloody ways. Please show us how.
  Challenge inspired by Evilscary.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * IF I COULD SHIT OUT MY COCK - older readers
  may remember your Ginger Fuhrer's scatological
  penis song, a satirical message on people
  willing to do anything for fame, but using a
  metaphor so disgusting that few grasped the
  soul searching the toilet humour. Anyway,
  there's a story doing the rounds at the
  moment, about a botched colostomy reversal
  which has resulted in a man literally crapping
  out of his todger. B3ta HQ has now been sent
  this link upwards of 20 times, and it's
  amusing to know that when people hear about
  people pissing shit they think "aha! Rob

 * BIG LOVE TO SACKED TUBE LADY - the now fired
 voice of the the London Underground, Emma
 Clarke who we interviewed back in 2002, you
 must have caught the story, it's been
 everywhere. She writes to us, "How far has the
 story travelled?  I've been called by the press
 in the States, Canada, Italy, Germany, Spain
 and news of the story has spread all over the
 world.  A very nice man from the Caribbean rang
 to tell me he likes my voice very much and
 would I do his answerphone for him.  I haven't
 been able to check where the site visitors have
 come from because my site's buckled because of
 the demand for the mp3s.  It's currently
 offline but the techies tell me it should be
 fit and well again very soon. I absolutely
 promise, honest promise that this isn't some
 bizarre conspiracy PR exploitation scam.  Being
 a global news story wasn't part of my agenda as
 I dropped the kids off at school yesterday
 morning." Anyway, if you work in advertising
 and need someone do some V/O then give Emma a
 bell, because surely there's a bit of PR value
 out of giving her some work in her hour of need?


  Nerds and fluff

  >> Name all the HTML elements <<
  We know we have two kinds of reader here at
  b3ta. Here's a test to see just how strong
  your net nerd credentials are by naming as
  many HTML elements as you can in 5 minutes. To
  our dismay we only got 41. Stupid <FORM>

  >> Catch the cat <<
  And for the rest of you; try to keep the cat
  from running off the screen. At least, that's
  what we're guessing. There isn't a lot of
  feedback when you do it. For the trouble the
  damn thing gave us, we were wanting a poison
  dart to punish the pesky feline.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we've written this section whilst
  having an open book of old record covers on
  our desk.

  the four Beatles across the road before being
  hit by a truck.

  - Can you make the poor infant keep swimming
  in his pursuit of a 10-dollar note on a
  fishing hook? How far can you make him swim
  before he drowns?

  the 'Wisdom of Crowds' internet voting to see
  if you are paying your breeder too much for
  YOUR dog.

  And finally a special request from b3tard
  Woking Girl who puckers up her pretty mouth
  and whispers, "I've got a mouse in my kitchen,
  and mousetraps/sprays/bleach in its hole just
  won't damn kill it. I'm sure some b3tan must
  know how to build a better mousetrap, or just
  exterminate the little bastard. I even put a
  toy mouse out in the hope it would fall in
  love and we'd catch it. Nothing. Help, please.
  Thanks in advance."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob 'Rob Manuel'
  Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  DR BEN and grey kid. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. We love b4ta. Subj from Monkeon.

  Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel
  Sinks". Bit obvious, I thought.

next issue »
« previous issue