NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY EASTER!"
This Week:
* DIY - Hampster Davros Dance
* CHALLENGE - Uncropped album art
* QUESTION - "I'm so dumb that I..."
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "GEOFF MAN AYUM BLIND
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | AYEE CANNA SEE ME
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| TURKEY, MAN!"
B3ta email 308 - 21 Dec 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue308/
Finger: [email protected]
Poke: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Not including the lame xmas virals
>> Hampster Davros Dance <<
Oh yes oh yes yes, this is more like the
projects we like to see on B3ta,
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed has mashed up an old
singing hamster toy and turned it into his
very own leader of the Daleks, Davros. First
gawp at the photo then giggle at the video.
Our faith in the world is restored.
http://vitaminmp3.blogspot.com/2007/12/dancing-dav...
>> Best of Question Swap <<
Remember Question Swap - if you missed it,
then think yahoo answers, but peopled by
mentals. Its creator phantomboner blithers,
"I've made an eBook. All the best Q&As from
the site in one handy format. You could
pretend it was a Xmas gift and give away to
newsletter readers." Heh, quite amusing
actually. It's the randomness of it all that
makes it compelling.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/906991/Best-Of-QuestionS...
>> Naked mankini promo video <<
"We're doing this show," complains Ryan, "but
the problem is nobody knows how to use Joost.
So we made this video and put it on youtube."
Heh - we're linking this for two reasons: 1,
we're amused that even the show makers for
Joost are admitting the platform is useless,
and 2, it features a bravely cheerful naked
man dressed in Borat's, swimsuit gallivanting
around London. What's not to like?
http://youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Evil Pranks
Last week we asked for the nastiest pranks
you've played on your mates:
http://b3ta.com/questions/evilpranks/
* "And after nearly a year of groundwork and
being turned down times beyond number, my
friend Tom got the girl, the perfect girl, to
finally go out on a date with him. Tom was
beside himself. '"I'll take her to the finest
restaurant in town. The new Thai one - it'll
be perfect." We're all rooting for Tom. As
D-Day approaches, we slap him on the back,
ease his nerves and wish him well. On the
night itself, most of us have forgotten, but
not Alan. Oh, no. Alan's car turns up outside
everyone's house at 8pm, beeping like a
maniac. What's going on? Ten minutes later the
answer is clear - we're parked opposite the
new Thai place. And look, just inside is Tom,
the happiest man in the world. Al begs
silence. Al's phone appears. A number is
dialed. "Hello, Thai Kingdom?" "Good evening,
this is Doctor Wilkinson of Grantham Hospital.
Could you please pass on a message to a
gentleman I believe is dining with you
tonight? Could you tell him that his wife has
just gone into labour? Thank you. Good
evening." The helpful manager strolls over to
the table. The girl stands up. Slaps him.
Leaves. He runs after her. A few steps outside
he pauses, then stops. He sees our car. He
sees his friends in stitches. He clicks. He
screams. He runs towards the car, profanities
flying. Five people are laughing so hard that
they are in danger of having a cardiac arrest.
The car lurches away. We have to avoid Tom for
three weeks..." (Khaos)
* "My girlfriend is petrified of the
loft/attic and wont go in unless I'm there, on
the ladder, head in the loft to make sure
she's ok and body outside to keep ladder in
place. She's scared that she'll standing
between rafters, that the ladder will fall
away, that the light will go out, that
insulation will brush against her leg. Oh and
spiders obviously. I am in no way to make
jokes about any part of this. The really weird
thing is that she organised the whole loft so
I'm not allowed to move stuff or get stuff
out. The other week, perched on the ladder I
hatched my plan. When she wasnt looking, I
ducked down the ladder, knocked the ladder out
so it crashed down, then hit the ground with a
loud yell that appeared to just cut off half
way before lying very still, face down. I
listened, trying not to laugh at the wild
hysterical screaming as she ran across the
loft, losing her footing and, one foot through
the plasterboard, tripped grabbing the
extension cable to the lamp we hung up there,
tearing it out so the light goes off. It all
took about 5 seconds. I turn over with a big
smile and look up at her face hanging over the
hatch literally unable to stop screaming at
"seeing me dead." It's really weird watching
the love of your life screaming like her whole
world just ended. Seriously, try it. She'll
get over it." (I have run out of coke)
* "Not really evil, but a few weeks ago I went
into Waterstones. Someone had left a sheet of
'signed by the author' stickers on a table, so
I swiped it and spent a while sticking them on
copies of The Bible, Dickens and Jane Austen"
(shavedchimp)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?
We're keeping this question open for two weeks
to allow you to get up to stupid stuff and
send it in:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dumbthings/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Simple tips for writing <<
No massive internet rofls here, just a clear
and interesting guide to writing style that we
quite enjoyed poring over. Illustrates, for
example, the power of understatement: "It is
never very difficult to distinguish between a
Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of
sunshine.” [P. G. Wodehouse]
http://snipurl.com/cleverwordycunts
>> Letters to rock stars <<
Pretty much everyone has naughtily downloaded
an illegal mp3 or sneaked into a gig from
their favourite band. Here, people write
confessional letters to their musical heroes,
telling all and including $5 for expenses.
http://www.dearrockers.org/
>> Ren & Stimpy animator's blog <<
The website of R&S artist John Kricfalusi,
where he analyses cartoons and posts tips for
upcoming animators. Interesting stuff, even if
you lack the ambition to create scatological
scribblings.
http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a web based PXL-2000
>> Make a toothbrush robot <<
Step by step details on how to transform your
toothbrush from useless implement of dental
hygiene to fearsome engine of destruction.
Please note, your fearsomeness mileage may
vary.
http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/bristl...
>> Terry chops <<
We're not sure what this is. Well, obviously,
it's a bloke walloping household objects in
slow-motion with an extremely sharp axe. But
the production values are extremely high,
leading us to think it's marketing. But what
on earth for? Highly entertaining nonetheless.
http://terryschopshop.blogspot.com/
>> Simpsons 'picture a day for 39 years' <<
Animated, yellow take on Noah Kalina's
mesmerising YouTube hit of last year
'Everyday'. Funny Homer montage presented as a
picture taken every day of his life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Gordon Ramsey's fucking nightmares <<
Peculiar glimpse into the self-loathing mire
that makes up the private life of TV's mouthy
uber-chef.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ramseys_Nightmare
>> "Borderline pornographic" cat video <<
A 30-second clip of someone's cat that was
deemed unsuitable for a number of cat
enthusiast forums. Entirely safe for work, in
our opinion. Although it is somewhat
unsettling seeing a podgy old moggy made to
look like she's flirting with the lens.
http://snipurl.com/avoidspussypun
>> Ocean Finance ad - Trek-style <<
Shoddy daytime TV ads create their own cult
among their few viewers who are not elderly,
infirm or stupid. Here, debt consolidation
agency Ocean gets its cheapo campaign revoiced
by original Star Trek characters. We must
admit to a partiality for Kirk & co that made
us like this, perhaps more than we should.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ocean_Finance_Ad
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Buck & Follocks PLC
"My mate set this company up ages ago", writes
Lord_Munkee, "and has decided to sell it." He
he, the real amusement for us in the story
contained within the ebay page - companies
shoue wouldn't accept the name Buck &
Follocks, so they created two companies,
'Buck' and 'Fullocks' and then incorporated!
Genius. Lord_Munkee also asks us to point out
you can buy the company as it would "make a
great xmas pressie."
http://snipurl.com/buybuybuy
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Literal Band Names Challenge
Last week we wanted you to envisage band names
as if they were real-life things.
Your favourites included:
* LED ZEPPELIN - fiendishly clever
interpretation of the inspiration for Jimmy
Page's rock colossus (disconnected)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7872637
* SMASHING PUMPKINS - not what you expect, and
all the better for it. (Ttssattsr)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7863929
* ARCADE FIRE - further double-edged
picture-play from the b3tard whose images have
now graced the b3ta homepage a remarkable 446
times. (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7880024
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_band_names/
>> New challenge: Extending Album Art <<
Using any tools available - you, your record
collection, a camera, photoshop, a scanner,
whatever works - show us what happens beyond
the borders of classic album sleeves, how the
artwork continues. Challenge open for TWO
magnificent weeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/album_art/
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: BEST BEFORE SURVEY?
Members bravely test sellby dates
We asked you to test best before dates, in a
shock result, many of you wrote in to say how
much booze improves after leaving it for a few
years.
* LAGER - " I drank a can of Red Stripe lager
that I found in the office fridge. It was FIVE
YEARS out of date. It tasted a bit like
whisky, and two cans later, my colleague and
I were rolling around drunk under our desks."
(Mr Gear)
* GUINNESS - "I drank some canned Guinness
dated Feb '02. It smelt like guinness, but
had, in time, turned into a chewy Special
Brew. After 3/4 of a can, I nearly stopped
drinking it." Note the careful use of the word
'nearly ' from Fishbowler.
* SCIENCE BIT - "... it doesn't go off as
such, it's because after that date, the
brewery cannot guarantee that it will still
be only 4.1%. COnsequently, the alcohol level
rises after the best before date. Hurrah for
residual yeast." (just1bloke)
* SPECIAL MEATY AWARD - "A few weeks ago I
cooked some chilli with some nice beef mince.
I then left it in the fridge for 9 days. After
briefly pondering whether that was too long
(it's about 6 days longer than the internet
says you should), I ate it topped with some
bacon that had been open for about a fortnight
(packet says 48 hour maximum). I got the shits
and won't be doing that again." (Shitworth)
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: FRIDAY GAME
Don't let go! returns!
A b3ta favourite from some time ago, AKX has
revamped his internet version of 'Touch the
truck' for a new generation of powerful
machines.
http://servut.us/akx/dlg2/
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: STAR IN NEXT YEAR'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY
LIVEJOURNAL - live like Roy Wood's fantasy hit
for a whole year, Turkey and Dam busters every
day, and blog the accumulative misery.
* BUS LOLS - we sitting on a public transport
the other day and were enjoying the live CCTV
feed of the other passengers, and briefly
fantasied about a website where you could pick
the route you wanted to spy on and vote up
your favourite captured incidents to the front
page. Sell a bit of advertising on it - and
you'd have cheap entertainment and subsidised
transport.
* RELATIVE MINGER THEORY - Dr Ben Goldacre has
written to us about a project idea that
fascinates him but he's too lazy to carry out,
"My girlfriend says that whenever a woman uses
a profile picture of herself with a friend, on
a social networking site, that friend will
always be uglier. After looking on facebook
for 20 minutes I'm inclined to agree. Can
anyone be bothered to apply for a grant, take
some two-faced profile pics, split them in
half, get a panel of superficial men to rate
their fitness, crunch the results, and publish
on this Relative Minger Theory?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob Todd,
Terry, gormo. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subj from SexFace and prodigy69.
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TOP TIP:
Annoy airport security! Scribble 'made you
look :)' on some paper, wrap it in a condom
and shove it up your arse. Act in a suspicious
manner when going through customs, once you
have agitated security enough, wait until they
search you then point and laugh. (Willenium)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You
Die. I would have thought the obvious one was
"Shout For Help".
http://www.sickipedia.org/
