NEWSLETTER: "WATCH OUT - B3TA'S ABOUT"
This Week:
* INTRODUCING... Mini lols!
* CHALLENGE - Pylons. Yes, pylons.
* QUESTION - Stalkers. Should be good we think.
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Your tax return
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | should have been
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| in yesterday"
B3ta email 313 - 01 Feb 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue313/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Is this the world's biggest online jigsaw?
Not sure. But placing a piece could bag you a
Honda Civic Hybrid.
http://tinyurl.com/2ollcr
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than collecting their poos in buckets
>> QOTW poster celebration <<
"Hey B3ta," pipes up Pineapplecharm, "I don't
know if you noticed but the last QOTW was the
200th! To celebrate, I took the top three from
each QOTW and compiled them into a monster
PDF." Just about legible if printed at A1 size,
this labour of love is currently emblazoned
across the wall at B3ta HQ.
http://www.spinelessclassics.com/b3ta.pdf
>> Sleepy Sheepy <<
Sheep, probably best known for lighting his own
farts whilst wearing a b3ta t-shirt (oh did
that make our sales sky rocket), has been
troubled by a defective bedside lamp and has
such an exciting life that he's decided to film
it. Oh well, half a lol is better than no lols
at all.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Light
>> Call for sheds <<
We get a lot of 'call for content' requests at
b3ta, but few as unusual as this. Uncle Wilco
squeaks, "Last year you covered our 'Shed of
the Year' competition. It was the Roman temple
shed, if you don't remember. Anyway we are
looking for other unique sheds for 'Shed of the
Year 2008'." The lovely Sarah Beeny is signed up
to judge your wooden erections, so go on, it's
time to expose those unused tools.
http://www.readersheds.co.uk
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bastard Colleagues
Last week we asked you to rat on the colleagues
that make your life hell:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bastardcolleagues/
* THE LIST - "B had a notebook, and in it was
'The List'. The List had been compiled over
many years and contained the names of every
single person in the building who'd offended B
in any way. Going back to the day he started.
If you offended him and then left (or got
really lucky and died) then your name was
scored through with red pen. Not the sort of
guy you'd ever trust with a weapon. With his
retirement beckoning, we all began to wonder -
what would he do with The List? Would he work
his way around the building, slapping
offenders, righting wrongs? Fate conspired
against him: the night before his final day at
work, his manager jimmied the lock on his desk
and removed the notebook. B arrived on his last
day at precisely 9am, clocked in and sat down.
Noted the loss of the precious notebook, stood
up, put on his coat and walked out. All without
a single word spoken. No one I know ever saw
him again. Security were on alert for several
weeks in case he came back and went postal."
(TheWeeWitch)
* CLICKY PEN - "He has a clicky pen and sits
all day clicking his clicky fucking pen. Click,
click, click, clicketty clicky, click, click...
clickclickclickclickclickclick. Clicky click,
clickclickclickclick....clickety click.... and
on it goes, on and on and on, sitting there
clicking his pen, clicking away. When he is
telling a hilarious story about his X-Box or
latest graphics card, the clicking of his pen
gets faster. When he's trying to explain
something to someone he clicks his pen slowly.
When he walks he clicks his pen in time with
with footsteps. Click, click, click, click,
click, clicketty, fucking click. All bloody
day. I've even started hiding his pens by
throwing them out the window on to the roof,
but some how he always manages to find a new
clicky pen." (The Duke of Prunes)
* DARREN - "Real oddball. About 27 but dresses
like a 45-year-old did in 1950. Never uses one
word when he can ramble (eloquently) for twenty
minutes. Took his mum to the Xmas do. Very
serious, tries to be uber-professional. Caught
him today pretending to balance along the join
in the carpet with a happy grin on his face
when he thought he was on his own. He suddenly
noticed me smiling and went bright red. I like
him." (inflateable)
>> This Week's Question <<
Been stalked? Stalked someone? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stalked/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Fundamentalist = funny <<
Like Hot or Not with readers voting on the
funniest fundamentalist quotes from around the
internet. "I can sum it all up in three words:
Evolution is a lie". We suspect that a huge
chunk of it is actually trolling but after that
peanut butter vid the other week who knows?
It's an entertaining read anyhow.
http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx
>> What I killed today <<
A massive dose of pathos from this blogger who
works in an animal shelter. It's a laconic list
of all the pets that have been killed each day,
and why.
http://whatikilledtoday.blogspot.com/
>> Most amazing tree-houses in the world <<
Certainly some incredible buildings in this
list, but we can't help feeling some people
were taking the piss with their enormous
castles spread across a whole forest: why
bother putting it in a tree at all if you're
going to do that?
http://freshome.com/2008/01/08/top-8-most-amazing-...
>> "Down with the BNP!" <<
Probably the lamest attempt to organise an
anti-racism rally we've ever seen. Lovely
vignette of someone's apathetic life.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Down_with_the_BNP
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
The clicky of teletext meets the magic of TV
>> Appalling old ads <<
Some fantastic commercials from the good old
days. We particularly liked the one with the
'Chinese baby' and the fantastic sell for
asbestos flooring.
http://snipurl.com/crackedlistwhores
>> Fucking stupid stoners <<
They are testing out the 'turbo-bong', which is
all well and good. But it's clearly wildly more
successful than they'd hoped an they all just
stand around making "dude" noises as the room
rapidly fills with choking, unbreathable smog.
http://www.yikers.com/video_the_turbo_bong.html
>> Grandstand Theme - live <<
Like the devil having the best tunes, sports
shows always seem to have the best themes.
Grandstand was a UK show that we rarely watched
beyond the title sequence - but what a cracking
opening. Here's the music, conducted by the guy
who composed it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 3-man WWII beach landing <<
Fascinating making-of vid for a documentary
about the Normandy beach landings. There's a
massive amount of cutting and pasting to turn
three graphic designers into thousands of
American troops on Omaha beach.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Head in a pot <<
The set-up - hollowed-out cooker in a communal
kitchen with a man hidden inside so that his
head sticks out the top, then a pot with the
bottom cut out placed over him. Hungry
passers-by who fancy a taste of what's in the
soup are horrified when they lift the lid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: MINILOLS
Small things that made us smile
>> Scary-eyed lemur <<
You'll need sound to get the full effect of
this THX ad parody.
http://www.glumbert.com/media/thx
>> 19th-century drive-by <<
Honestly? We have no idea what this short film
loop is about but it's classic slapstick.
http://www.todayandtomorrow.net/2008/01/08/djoef-o...
>> Art Garfunkel moustache <<
Put your finger over Paul Simon's face on the
cover of Bridge Over Troubled Water. Voila! You
can see what Art would look like with a
handsome set of facial whiskers!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005ML9...
>> Untimely announcement <<
Poor astrologers... can't say anything more
without blowing the punchline.
http://www.astrologicalmagazine.com/
>> Insensitive advertising <<
Unfortunate ad placement in the Telegraph last
week: want to see some puppies? Eww.
http://snipurl.com/telelaughs
>> BBC radio blooper <<
On-air, a BBC DJ falls for a schoolboy prank of
the 'Hugh Jass' variety. Oh dear
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Wrong Man Challenge
Last week we wanted to know who the wrong men
for the job were.
Your favourites included:
* CATHERINE TATE - just wrong in so many ways
(Stan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7987856
* COOKIE MONSTER - bonus points for the
splendid use of tea-cakes (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7988696
* THATCHER - amazingly, she's still not dead
(deshnoodle)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7988433
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongman/
>> New challenge: Pylons <<
Pylons are ace, transporting our electricity
across the nation and making the dull
countryside look all science-fiction and that.
If anything deserves photoshopping, it's the
pylon. So that's what we're doing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pylons/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FRUITY CUM - Tom Scott chirrups re his
pineapple fingering exercise, "Thanks for the
newsletter link, B3ta - so far I've had one
email, interested in whether pineapple would
make my semen taste better. Funny old thing,
the internet."
* TRAIN PLUGS - last week we asked what happens
if you overload the plug sockets on trains with
lots of toasters. Milowagner informs, "I tried
to plug my iMac in once, but it didn't turn on.
Turns out I tripped the fuse. They just have to
reset them at the end of the day. Nothing bad
happens." So there you go. It trips a fuse. Woo
hoo.
* MOUSE PATTERNS - a number of you wrote in to
mock our suggestion that you could make nice
photos from a long exposure shot under glass of
mouse LED movement. "And how do you expect a
laser mouse to work on a glass surface?" you
said. Well, we've just tried it on a window and
it does sort of work if they're really mucky.
Like ours. Huzzah.
* B3TARD WINS $10k - giant_squid boasts, "Dear
b3ta, You were kind enough to declare my Cow
in the Tree animation one of the 'best of 2005'
(a very long time ago). I stuck it on a
'talent' site, not believing I had a chance to
win. Unbelievably, I've won my category and am
set to receive $10,000. So, I'd like to thank
everyone who voted for me, and your newsletter
for inspiring me to do silly animations in the
first place." Woo hoo, you'll be sending us our
usual 50%, yeah?
http://www.clipstar.com/videopage.jsf
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TWO-PENNY TOWER CHALLENGE - build the highest
tower of 2ps without knocking them over.
* GLOW-STICK MAN - place those nasty tubes on
your clothes to create a stickman outline,
dance in the dark for the camera.
* DEEP HEAT FULL-BODY ENDURANCE TEST - how long
can you last?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Watch out for Mr Pitchy. Stuff sent
in by ||III||II||III||, necromanc17, redazril,
masackatsu, prodigy69, Rainbored, FishNChimps,
insignificantsnivellinglittleturd, CapnChkn,
Supergyrations, James Lan Doky and Redsushi
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjectlols from Mofaha and The Great Architect
for other bit in the header. Rah! to b4ta.
(Numbers, who gives a fuck?)
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TOP TIP:
Beadle may be dead but commemorate his passing
with this simple prank: get a new bar of soap
and paint it with clear nail varnish. Let it
dry and place it out to be used. (Yank Meoff)
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the shortest joke known to man? Dwarves!
http://www.sickipedia.org/
