NEWSLETTER: "SHOWCASING THE AWESOME POWER OF BOREDOM"
This Week:
* COTTAGING - Everyone's favourite toilet lols
* CHALLENGE - Wrong man for the job?
* QUESTION - Rat out your bastard colleagues
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Amy Winehouse
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | takes drugs...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| OMG! OMG! OMG!"
B3ta email 312 - 25 Jan 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue312/
Ed Mitchell: [email protected]
Amy Winehouse: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Weebl & Bob's Sticky Ending: Part 2
With cinema-goers bracing themselves for the
new Indiana Jones film, here comes the second
part of this timely fondant-centred parody from
Jonti. It's completely eggcelent and we're not
yolking.
http://tinyurl.com/2ub4oc
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gays, Songs and Fingerprints
>> Bush cottaging <<
"I've made an ill-informed guide," minces BIG
FACE, "It's a short but serious expose of gay
cruising in Clapham Common." Heh, looks like
a sketch for TV?
http://b3ta.com/links/Gay_Cruising_an_ill_informed...
>> "We Made a Film" <<
Remember Hexachordal? He did that internet love
song we featured a few weeks back. And now? He
writes, "That's right guys, my first PROPER
MUSIC VIDEO. Filmed and edited by my mate Alex
Parsons, obviously performed and written by
little ol' me." It certainly has charm and your
B3ta Towers scribe has bought his limited
edition CD in the hope that it'll be worth
gazillions in a few years' time.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_Made_A_Film
>> Removing fingerprints with pineapple <<
"I've finally got around to putting the video
of my latest experiment together," boasts
Thomas Scott, "I'd heard that pineapple can
remove people's fingerprints. But, to be honest,
it's more about me being in pain than any kind
of actual science. Part of me hopes B3ta people
will try to one-up me using sandpaper and a
Dremel." We wonder if this clip will end up on
QI?
http://www.thomasscott.net/fingerprints/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Hotel Splendido
We wanted your crap hotel stories last week:
http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels/
* DON'T MENTION THE RAJ - "Around 10 years ago
I was stationed in Hyderabad whilst I did
interesting things with agriculture. Ten of us
attended a conference in Bangalore. I arrived
first and checked in. Next to me was an
American lady was was also attending the
conference, patiently waiting. Not sure how it
happened but the the receptionist just assumed
that the lady next to me was my wife. Thus
about 20 minutes later, I step out of the
shower as she walks into my room and screams.
But my favourite was my boss, Andy Whitman. He
arrived much later with just a reservation, and
when he tried to get a room he was told, "We
are full to bursting sir: the only room left is
reserved for a Mr Andy". It's quite common to
juxtapose surnames and first names in India. My
boss shouts, "AHA! That's mine, I'm A. Whitman,
I'm A. Whitman." The receptionist replied, "You
may be a whiteman sir but you still cannot have
Mr Andy's Room." (smells-like-victory-v's)
* HOTEL MERIDIAN, BRAZZAVILLE, REPUBLIC OF
CONGO "I arrived in the Congo at the arse end
of the country's civil war on a bit of
ill-advised business. Le Meridian turned out to
be a heavily-armed compound in the centre of
the city, next-door to the ruins of the
cathedral. The hotel doubled up as the
officers' mess of the Congolese army, so it
was crawling with over-dressed young ladies and
their angry AK47-toting husbands. If you wanted
to venture outside, you had to get a posse of
hired goons and hire the hotel's bullet-riddled
Mercedes. What I took for charming concrete
mouldings around the hotel reception, were in
fact rocket-propelled grenade scars. The hotel
had its own zoo. When I arrived, it was the
army's practice range and free supply of tasty
meat products. A five-minute phone call urging
my boss to get me the fuck out of there cost
£90. Not a trace of Um Bongo." (Scaryduck)
* PIKMIN PORN - "A couple of years ago, my
company relocated me to Canada. While I tried
to find somewhere to live, they paid for me to
stay in a very average hotel out by the
airport. It was miles away from anything, and I
had nothing to do in the evenings except read
and watch telly, which got boring pretty
quickly. Salvation came in the form of the
in-room Gamecube, which cost about 5 bucks to
play for half an hour; I got hooked on Pikmin
and eventually racked up about $120 of room
service charges. I innocently sent the bill off
to expenses, not realising that every single
half-hour session of innocent Gamecube playing
was itemised as "In-room entertainment charge."
Or, to put it another way, exactly what it
would have looked like if I'd been ordering new
porno every half-hour. This led to an
'interesting' conversation in which I had to
try and convince the nice lady from HR that I'd
actually been trying to help the spaceman get
back to his home planet with the help of some
magical flowers, rather than masturbating
myself into a frenzy." (silencer)
And one from the other side:
* FILTH - "I ran a pub in York with a B+B
attached. One Tuesday I checked in a
reasonable, well spoken, late 30s couple who
were visiting. They left in the morning, paid
the bill, had breakfast, asked directions, nice
and polite. Got to the room to clean it. Oh. My
word. Blood and red wine on the sheets. Broken
glass in the bin, on the carpet, in the sink. A
pint glass filled with piss on the night-stand,
the remnants of a couple of lines of charlie
next to said pint glass. And a 9 inch turd in
the bath. Just beautiful." (jameslib)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to rat on your bastard
colleagues. especially the weird one with no
mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr
Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a
woman). Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bastardcolleagues/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Darth Vader church carving <<
Washington National Cathedral held a
competition for children to design a grotesque
(like a gargoyle but without the water). To
their credit they went with the popular choice
of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Not so often
pointed out on tours - the crude cock-and-balls
water spout winner of the compo they put on
the interwebs.
http://www.cathedral.org/cathedral/discover/darth....
>> Rap explained through graphs <<
In spite of the title, this is a collection of
very in-jokey rap references in pie- and
bar-chart format. Raised a chuckle or two.
--link removed because it was changed to goatse
>> 'Chav your say' <<
Blog that prospects through the BBC's news
discussion forums for shiny nuggets of bigotry,
pretension and general
being-a-sheep's-vagina-iness. Gives a sense of
smug superiority and/or despair at the futility
of the human condition, depending on your own
proclivity.
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/
>> Non-existent film <<
Due to some sort of coding spack-out,
Temporarily Unavailable appears as an actual
film you can get hold of on this video rental
site. Inevitably, waggish users have left a
smattering of amusing reviews. "A masterpiece
of minimalism" and "I found this film literally
unwatchable" come immediately to mind.
http://snipurl.com/filmlolsforcunts
>> Racist lols <<
"Yesterday was Dr. Martin Luther King day on
this side of the pond," hoots ttdi. "This was
how the food service department at my
university decided to...er...celebrate." They
could, perhaps have given a little more thought
to what was going on the menu.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thinly_veiled_racism
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Better than ceefax we suppose
>> Sweary Aussie ad man <<
We'd like to think that this is what Australian
advertising is like normally but sadly it's a
blooper reel. Anyway, a combination of his
beaming, wholesome face and free-flowing foul
mouth makes for comedy gold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ant colony plaster-cast <<
Scientists, or at least we assume they're
scientists, pour concrete down an ant nest,
then clear away the soil when it's hardened.
The good stuff starts at about 2:50, with the
rest effectively talking about how great ants
are. Fascinating stuff, as the shape of the
colony is revealed a la Rachel Whiteread. It
is, however, slightly disturbing just how
callous the film crew is about all the killing.
We hope they don't start thinking our house is
interesting.
http://b3ta.com/links/Enormous_plaster_cast_of_an_...
>> Bubble-blowing dolphins <<
Everybody's favourite sea-going mammals,
mucking about in that effortlessly impressive
way they have. It's probably the equivalent of
us doing tricks with our farts though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dolphins
>> Church-moving song <<
Peculiar bit of TV, with a church choir singing
their hearts out to accompany the moving of a
100-year-old church across America on the back
of a very big lorry. Nice music, lovely visuals.
http://snipurl.com/100twats
>> 'Party at Google's house' <<
Mandatory to include this week's hot web
in-jokey link. Google has a party and all the
guests are other websites. Some nice
characterisation, although we're a bit offended
we don't seem to have been invited to join in
the lols.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Internet_has_a_party
>> Awesome George Washington <<
Excellent song and animation about the
supernatural qualities of the US President.
Reminded us a bit of 'Pablo Picasso was never
called an asshole'. But with a lot more death.
http://snipurl.com/fuckingshittyurl
>> Plasticine disaster <<
Satan destroys a plasticine-based civilisation
and tells some kids that humanity is
unimportant. Rather odd animation based on a
Mark Twain short story from his 'I hate
everything' period. Like a particularly bleak
and soul-blasting Wallace & Gromit.
http://ca.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Triple penetration funny lols
* HORSE WITH COCK MARKINGS - "You wouldn't want
to ride bareback..." (davepomphret)
http://www.horsenetwork.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php
* ARTY STATEMENT - "I was looking for cheese
and I found something more profound..." (adrian)
http://www.artisanalcheese.com
* HANDS THAT DO DISHES... "I always keep a
stash of this in my drawer at work. Keeps my
hands lovely and soft. And prevents friction
burns when my secretary wanks me off." (Goatboy)
http://snipurl.com/bashthebishop
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Maps Challenge
Last week we wanted you to redesign maps.
Your favourites included:
* THE MIDDLE EAST - everyone's favourite
internecine conflict and the UN peace roadmap
explained via a simple red line (b3th)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7975133
* BELARUS - putting a cheery face on Europe's
biggest sufferer of radioactive fallout
(printmeister)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7962978
* YOU ARE HERE - yes, you are (Dixon Scarlet)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7961871
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/maps/
>> New challenge: Wrong Man For The Job <<
Imagine: Howard Marks is presenting Top Gear,
while Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is down the
Chicken Shack serving up nuggets. Show us the
wrong men for the jobs. Challenge suggested by
HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongman/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* COCK APP - ShodoPan writes, "In last week's
newsletter, you asked, 'What next? A web app to
add purple cocks and fluffy kittens?' At the
price of considerable self-loathing, my answer
to you is 'Yes.' Here it is, in all its spunky
glory." Heh, this amuses us more than it
should, so if you've got a jpeg on your desktop
give it a quick go.
http://www.cs.grinnell.edu/~youngian/b3tizer/
* UNEXPECTED EMAIL FROM FREAKPOWER - "Hi B3ta,
I'm afraid i can't offer you anything for this,
except maybe some wholesome man sex, but is
there anyway I can convince you to give a plug
of some sort to the Freakpower reunion gig at
the jazz cafe on the 22nd of February.
Freakpower was a one-hit wonder band from the
mid 90's and I was the bald guy from that band.
Always enjoy your rag. Ashley." Heh, how
disarmingly self-effacing. *sings Spacemaaan, I
always wanted you to go into spaaaaceman* Sorry
- only messing.
* CHEAP CAT TOYS - HappyToast blithers, "Having
just read this weeks newsletter and
stripeertw's suggestion to buy our cat a bath
chain, I thought I'd make sure everyone was
aware of the manic pleasure cats get from Emery
Boards (nail files/buffing pads/call 'em what
you will). Ours go mental, rubbing against
them, chewing at them and chasing them wherever
we drag them. Only question is why? Can some
bright B3ta spark tell us if they contain a
substance similar to catnip, and more
importantly if the things are actually toxic?!"
* DAILY MAIL HEADLINEATOR - "I don't know if
anyone else has already done this," wonders
Greem, "but as requested in your latest
newsletter, I've made a Daily Mail
Headlineinator. Enjoy!"
http://www.greem.co.uk/dailymail
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: FRIDAY GAME
White Dwarf
Simple, addictive; collect the green balls then
touch a blue ball to bank your points. Avoid
the red balls. Red balls are death! Got it?
Great. It's slightly trickier than it looks.
Nothing particularly whitey or dwarfey about it
though, which was a very mild disappointment.
http://whitedwarfgame.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TRAIN/PLUG LOLS - "On a lot of trains they
have plugs, with a little sign that says they
are for laptops and mobile chargers only. What
I want to know, and see in photographic form,
is the biggest household appliance that can be
used on a train. How many toasters does it take
to bring a train to a standstill? Or is there
some simple science why this whole idea is
rubbish?" (hickford)
* MOUSE PATTERNS - Ever wondered what shapes
your mouse makes whilst you use it? Get a glass
desk, and place your camera on a long exposure
beneath it. We reckon it might look quite
pretty.
* USB MOUTH ORGAN - store your files and handy
for playing the hobo blues, "I done lost my
woman, my house and my data."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny
Martin, Rusty, Fat Joe, Snail, Redsushi,
Chairman Wow, Enzyme , Professor Fnord, Mr
Tocker, xemetery, purple_gromit. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectline from my
other username is a porsche and mugatu.
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TOP TIP:
Pringles tins make the best ashtrays, even when
accidentally kicked the ash is virtually
unspillable, and they come with a handy lid.
(beard of destiny)
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking
up your driveway.
Not sick enough for you? Ok: What's black and
white and goes to bed hungry? Heath Ledger's
cat.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
