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This Week:
* COTTAGING - Everyone's favourite toilet lols
* CHALLENGE - Wrong man for the job?
* QUESTION - Rat out your bastard colleagues

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "Amy Winehouse
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       takes drugs...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       OMG! OMG! OMG!"

B3ta email 312 - 25 Jan 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

     Ed Mitchell:  [email protected]
 Amy Winehouse:  [email protected]

  Weebl & Bob's Sticky Ending: Part 2

  With cinema-goers bracing themselves for the
  new Indiana Jones film, here comes the second
  part of this timely fondant-centred parody from
  Jonti. It's completely eggcelent and we're not

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Gays, Songs and Fingerprints

  >> Bush cottaging <<
  "I've made an ill-informed guide," minces BIG
  FACE, "It's a short but serious expose of gay
  cruising in Clapham Common." Heh, looks like
  a sketch for TV?

  >> "We Made a Film" <<
  Remember Hexachordal? He did that internet love
  song we featured a few weeks back. And now? He
  writes, "That's right guys, my first PROPER
  MUSIC VIDEO. Filmed and edited by my mate Alex
  Parsons, obviously performed and written by
  little ol' me." It certainly has charm and your
  B3ta Towers scribe has bought his limited
  edition CD in the hope that it'll be worth
  gazillions in a few years' time.

  >> Removing fingerprints with pineapple <<
  "I've finally got around to putting the video
  of my latest experiment together," boasts
  Thomas Scott, "I'd heard that pineapple can
  remove people's fingerprints. But, to be honest,
  it's more about me being in pain than any kind
  of actual science. Part of me hopes B3ta people
  will try to one-up me using sandpaper and a
  Dremel." We wonder if this clip will end up on


  Hotel Splendido

  We wanted your crap hotel stories last week:

  * DON'T MENTION THE RAJ - "Around 10 years ago
  I was stationed in Hyderabad whilst I did
  interesting things with agriculture. Ten of us
  attended a conference in Bangalore. I arrived
  first and checked in. Next to me was an
  American lady was was also attending the
  conference, patiently waiting. Not sure how it
  happened but the the receptionist just assumed
  that the lady next to me was my wife. Thus
  about 20 minutes later, I step out of the
  shower as she walks into my room and screams.
  But my favourite was my boss, Andy Whitman. He
  arrived much later with just a reservation, and
  when he tried to get a room he was told, "We
  are full to bursting sir: the only room left is
  reserved for a Mr Andy". It's quite common to
  juxtapose surnames and first names in India. My
  boss shouts, "AHA! That's mine, I'm A. Whitman,
  I'm A. Whitman." The receptionist replied, "You
  may be a whiteman sir but you still cannot have
  Mr Andy's Room." (smells-like-victory-v's)
  CONGO "I arrived in the Congo at the arse end
  of the country's civil war on a bit of
  ill-advised business. Le Meridian turned out to
  be a heavily-armed compound in the centre of
  the city, next-door to the ruins of the
  cathedral. The hotel doubled up as the
  officers' mess of the Congolese army, so it
  was crawling with over-dressed young ladies and
  their angry AK47-toting husbands. If you wanted
  to venture outside, you had to get a posse of
  hired goons and hire the hotel's bullet-riddled
  Mercedes. What I took for charming concrete
  mouldings around the hotel reception, were in
  fact rocket-propelled grenade scars. The hotel
  had its own zoo. When I arrived, it was the
  army's practice range and free supply of tasty
  meat products. A five-minute phone call urging
  my boss to get me the fuck out of there cost
  £90. Not a trace of Um Bongo." (Scaryduck)
  * PIKMIN PORN - "A couple of years ago, my
  company relocated me to Canada. While I tried
  to find somewhere to live, they paid for me to
  stay in a very average hotel out by the
  airport. It was miles away from anything, and I
  had nothing to do in the evenings except read
  and watch telly, which got boring pretty
  quickly. Salvation came in the form of the
  in-room Gamecube, which cost about 5 bucks to
  play for half an hour; I got hooked on Pikmin
  and eventually racked up about $120 of room
  service charges. I innocently sent the bill off
  to expenses, not realising that every single
  half-hour session of innocent Gamecube playing
  was itemised as "In-room entertainment charge."
  Or, to put it another way, exactly what it
  would have looked like if I'd been ordering new
  porno every half-hour. This led to an
  'interesting' conversation in which I had to
  try and convince the nice lady from HR that I'd
  actually been trying to help the spaceman get
  back to his home planet with the help of some
  magical flowers, rather than masturbating
  myself into a frenzy." (silencer)

  And one from the other side:
  * FILTH - "I ran a pub in York with a B+B
  attached. One Tuesday I checked in a
  reasonable, well spoken, late 30s couple who
  were visiting. They left in the morning, paid
  the bill, had breakfast, asked directions, nice
  and polite. Got to the room to clean it. Oh. My
  word. Blood and red wine on the sheets. Broken
  glass in the bin, on the carpet, in the sink. A
  pint glass filled with piss on the night-stand,
  the remnants of a couple of lines of charlie
  next to said pint glass. And a 9 inch turd in
  the bath. Just beautiful." (jameslib)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to rat on your bastard
  colleagues. especially the weird one with no
  mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr
  Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a
  woman). Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Darth Vader church carving <<
  Washington National Cathedral held a
  competition for children to design a grotesque
  (like a gargoyle but without the water). To
  their credit they went with the popular choice
  of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Not so often
  pointed out on tours - the crude cock-and-balls
  water spout winner of the compo they put on
  the interwebs.

  >> Rap explained through graphs <<
  In spite of the title, this is a collection of
  very in-jokey rap references in pie- and
  bar-chart format. Raised a chuckle or two.
--link removed because it was changed to goatse

  >> 'Chav your say' <<
  Blog that prospects through the BBC's news
  discussion forums for shiny nuggets of bigotry,
  pretension and general
  being-a-sheep's-vagina-iness. Gives a sense of
  smug superiority and/or despair at the futility
  of the human condition, depending on your own

  >> Non-existent film <<
  Due to some sort of coding spack-out,
  Temporarily Unavailable appears as an actual
  film you can get hold of on this video rental
  site. Inevitably, waggish users have left a
  smattering of amusing reviews. "A masterpiece
  of minimalism" and "I found this film literally
  unwatchable" come immediately to mind.

  >> Racist lols <<
  "Yesterday was Dr. Martin Luther King day on
  this side of the pond," hoots ttdi. "This was
  how the food service department at my
  university decided to...er...celebrate." They
  could, perhaps have given a little more thought
  to what was going on the menu.


  Better than ceefax we suppose

  >> Sweary Aussie ad man <<
  We'd like to think that this is what Australian
  advertising is like normally but sadly it's a
  blooper reel. Anyway, a combination of his
  beaming, wholesome face and free-flowing foul
  mouth makes for comedy gold.

  >> Ant colony plaster-cast <<
  Scientists, or at least we assume they're
  scientists, pour concrete down an ant nest,
  then clear away the soil when it's hardened.
  The good stuff starts at about 2:50, with the
  rest effectively talking about how great ants
  are. Fascinating stuff, as the shape of the
  colony is revealed a la Rachel Whiteread. It
  is, however, slightly disturbing just how
  callous the film crew is about all the killing.
  We hope they don't start thinking our house is

  >> Bubble-blowing dolphins <<
  Everybody's favourite sea-going mammals,
  mucking about in that effortlessly impressive
  way they have. It's probably the equivalent of
  us doing tricks with our farts though.

  >> Church-moving song <<
  Peculiar bit of TV, with a church choir singing
  their hearts out to accompany the moving of a
  100-year-old church across America on the back
  of a very big lorry. Nice music, lovely visuals.

  >> 'Party at Google's house' <<
  Mandatory to include this week's hot web
  in-jokey link. Google has a party and all the
  guests are other websites. Some nice
  characterisation, although we're a bit offended
  we don't seem to have been invited to join in
  the lols.

  >> Awesome George Washington <<
  Excellent song and animation about the
  supernatural qualities of the US President.
  Reminded us a bit of 'Pablo Picasso was never
  called an asshole'. But with a lot more death. 

  >> Plasticine disaster <<
  Satan destroys a plasticine-based civilisation
  and tells some kids that humanity is
  unimportant. Rather odd animation based on a
  Mark Twain short story from his 'I hate
  everything' period. Like a particularly bleak
  and soul-blasting Wallace & Gromit. 


  Triple penetration funny lols

  * HORSE WITH COCK MARKINGS - "You wouldn't want
  to ride bareback..." (davepomphret)

  * ARTY STATEMENT - "I was looking for cheese
  and I found something more profound..." (adrian)

  * HANDS THAT DO DISHES... "I always keep a
  stash of this in my drawer at work. Keeps my
  hands lovely and soft. And prevents friction
  burns when my secretary wanks me off." (Goatboy)


  Results from the Maps Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to redesign maps.

  Your favourites included:
  * THE MIDDLE EAST - everyone's favourite
  internecine conflict and the UN peace roadmap
  explained via a simple red line (b3th)

  * BELARUS - putting a cheery face on Europe's
  biggest sufferer of radioactive fallout

  * YOU ARE HERE - yes, you are (Dixon Scarlet)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Wrong Man For The Job <<
  Imagine: Howard Marks is presenting Top Gear,
  while Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is down the
  Chicken Shack serving up nuggets. Show us the
  wrong men for the jobs. Challenge suggested by


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * COCK APP - ShodoPan writes, "In last week's
  newsletter, you asked, 'What next? A web app to
  add purple cocks and fluffy kittens?' At the
  price of considerable self-loathing, my answer
  to you is 'Yes.' Here it is, in all its spunky
  glory." Heh, this amuses us more than it
  should, so if you've got a jpeg on your desktop
  give it a quick go.

  I'm afraid i can't offer you anything for this,
  except maybe some wholesome man sex, but is
  there anyway I can convince you to give a plug
  of some sort to the Freakpower reunion gig at
  the jazz cafe on the 22nd of February.
  Freakpower was a one-hit wonder band from the
  mid 90's and I was the bald guy from that band.
  Always enjoy your rag. Ashley." Heh, how
  disarmingly self-effacing. *sings Spacemaaan, I
  always wanted you to go into spaaaaceman* Sorry
  - only messing.

  * CHEAP CAT TOYS - HappyToast blithers, "Having
  just read this weeks newsletter and
  stripeertw's suggestion to buy our cat a bath
  chain, I thought I'd make sure everyone was
  aware of the manic pleasure cats get from Emery
  Boards (nail files/buffing pads/call 'em what
  you will). Ours go mental, rubbing against
  them, chewing at them and chasing them wherever
  we drag them. Only question is why? Can some
  bright B3ta spark tell us if they contain a
  substance similar to catnip, and more
  importantly if the things are actually toxic?!"

  * DAILY MAIL HEADLINEATOR - "I don't know if
  anyone else has already done this," wonders
  Greem, "but as requested in your latest
  newsletter, I've made a Daily Mail
  Headlineinator. Enjoy!"


  White Dwarf
  Simple, addictive; collect the green balls then
  touch a blue ball to bank your points. Avoid
  the red balls. Red balls are death! Got it?
  Great. It's slightly trickier than it looks.
  Nothing particularly whitey or dwarfey about it
  though, which was a very mild disappointment.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TRAIN/PLUG LOLS - "On a lot of trains they
  have plugs, with a little sign that says they
  are for laptops and mobile chargers only. What
  I want to know, and see in photographic form,
  is the biggest household appliance that can be
  used on a train. How many toasters does it take
  to bring a train to a standstill? Or is there
  some simple science why this whole idea is
  rubbish?" (hickford)

  * MOUSE PATTERNS - Ever wondered what shapes
  your mouse makes whilst you use it? Get a glass
  desk, and place your camera on a long exposure
  beneath it. We reckon it might look quite

  * USB MOUTH ORGAN - store your files and handy
  for playing the hobo blues, "I done lost my
  woman, my house and my data."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny
  Martin, Rusty, Fat Joe, Snail, Redsushi,
  Chairman Wow, Enzyme , Professor Fnord, Mr
  Tocker, xemetery, purple_gromit. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectline from my
  other username is a porsche and mugatu.

  Pringles tins make the best ashtrays, even when
  accidentally kicked the ash is virtually
  unspillable, and they come with a handy lid.
  (beard of destiny)


  What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking
  up your driveway.
  Not sick enough for you? Ok: What's black and
  white and goes to bed hungry? Heath Ledger's

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