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This Week:
* INTRODUCING... Mini lols!
* CHALLENGE - Pylons. Yes, pylons. 
* QUESTION - Stalkers. Should be good we think.

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "Your tax return
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      should have been
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      in yesterday"

B3ta email 313 - 01 Feb 2008

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  Is this the world's biggest online jigsaw?

  Not sure. But placing a piece could bag you a
  Honda Civic Hybrid.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Other than collecting their poos in buckets

  >> QOTW poster celebration <<
  "Hey B3ta," pipes up Pineapplecharm, "I don't
  know if you noticed but the last QOTW was the
  200th! To celebrate, I took the top three from
  each QOTW and compiled them into a monster
  PDF." Just about legible if printed at A1 size,
  this labour of love is currently emblazoned
  across the wall at B3ta HQ.

  >> Sleepy Sheepy <<
  Sheep, probably best known for lighting his own
  farts whilst wearing a b3ta t-shirt (oh did
  that make our sales sky rocket), has been
  troubled by a defective bedside lamp and has
  such an exciting life that he's decided to film
  it. Oh well, half a lol is better than no lols
  at all.

  >> Call for sheds <<
  We get a lot of 'call for content' requests at
  b3ta, but few as unusual as this. Uncle Wilco
  squeaks, "Last year you covered our 'Shed of
  the Year' competition. It was the Roman temple
  shed, if you don't remember. Anyway we are
  looking for other unique sheds for 'Shed of the
  Year 2008'." The lovely Sarah Beeny is signed up
  to judge your wooden erections, so go on, it's
  time to expose those unused tools.


  Bastard Colleagues

  Last week we asked you to rat on the colleagues
  that make your life hell:

  * THE LIST - "B had a notebook, and in it was
  'The List'. The List had been compiled over
  many years and contained the names of every
  single person in the building who'd offended B
  in any way. Going back to the day he started.
  If you offended him and then left (or got
  really lucky and died) then your name was
  scored through with red pen. Not the sort of
  guy you'd ever trust with a weapon. With his
  retirement beckoning, we all began to wonder -
  what would he do with The List? Would he work
  his way around the building, slapping
  offenders, righting wrongs? Fate conspired
  against him: the night before his final day at
  work, his manager jimmied the lock on his desk
  and removed the notebook. B arrived on his last
  day at precisely 9am, clocked in and sat down.
  Noted the loss of the precious notebook, stood
  up, put on his coat and walked out. All without
  a single word spoken. No one I know ever saw
  him again. Security were on alert for several
  weeks in case he came back and went postal."
  * CLICKY PEN - "He has a clicky pen and sits
  all day clicking his clicky fucking pen. Click,
  click, click, clicketty clicky, click, click...
  clickclickclickclickclickclick. Clicky click,
  clickclickclickclick....clickety click.... and
  on it goes, on and on and on, sitting there
  clicking his pen, clicking away. When he is
  telling a hilarious story about his X-Box or
  latest graphics card, the clicking of his pen
  gets faster. When he's trying to explain
  something to someone he clicks his pen slowly.
  When he walks he clicks his pen in time with
  with footsteps. Click, click, click, click,
  click, clicketty, fucking click. All bloody
  day. I've even started hiding his pens by
  throwing them out the window on to the roof,
  but some how he always manages to find a new
  clicky pen." (The Duke of Prunes)
  * DARREN - "Real oddball. About 27 but dresses
  like a 45-year-old did in 1950. Never uses one
  word when he can ramble (eloquently) for twenty
  minutes. Took his mum to the Xmas do. Very
  serious, tries to be uber-professional. Caught
  him today pretending to balance along the join
  in the carpet with a happy grin on his face
  when he thought he was on his own. He suddenly
  noticed me smiling and went bright red. I like
  him." (inflateable)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Been stalked? Stalked someone? Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Fundamentalist = funny <<
  Like Hot or Not with readers voting on the
  funniest fundamentalist quotes from around the
  internet. "I can sum it all up in three words:
  Evolution is a lie". We suspect that a huge
  chunk of it is actually trolling but after that
  peanut butter vid the other week who knows?
  It's an entertaining read anyhow.

  >> What I killed today <<
  A massive dose of pathos from this blogger who
  works in an animal shelter. It's a laconic list
  of all the pets that have been killed each day,
  and why. 

  >> Most amazing tree-houses in the world <<
  Certainly some incredible buildings in this
  list, but we can't help feeling some people
  were taking the piss with their enormous
  castles spread across a whole forest: why
  bother putting it in a tree at all if you're
  going to do that?

  >> "Down with the BNP!" <<
  Probably the lamest attempt to organise an
  anti-racism rally we've ever seen. Lovely
  vignette of someone's apathetic life.


  The clicky of teletext meets the magic of TV

  >> Appalling old ads <<
  Some fantastic commercials from the good old
  days. We particularly liked the one with the
  'Chinese baby' and the fantastic sell for
  asbestos flooring.

  >> Fucking stupid stoners <<
  They are testing out the 'turbo-bong', which is
  all well and good. But it's clearly wildly more
  successful than they'd hoped an they all just
  stand around making "dude" noises as the room
  rapidly fills with choking, unbreathable smog.

  >> Grandstand Theme - live <<
  Like the devil having the best tunes, sports
  shows always seem to have the best themes.
  Grandstand was a UK show that we rarely watched
  beyond the title sequence - but what a cracking
  opening. Here's the music, conducted by the guy
  who composed it.

  >> 3-man WWII beach landing <<
  Fascinating making-of vid for a documentary
  about the Normandy beach landings. There's a
  massive amount of cutting and pasting to turn
  three graphic designers into thousands of
  American troops on Omaha beach.

  >> Head in a pot <<
  The set-up - hollowed-out cooker in a communal
  kitchen with a man hidden inside so that his
  head sticks out the top, then a pot with the
  bottom cut out placed over him. Hungry
  passers-by who fancy a taste of what's in the
  soup are horrified when they lift the lid.


  Small things that made us smile

  >> Scary-eyed lemur <<
  You'll need sound to get the full effect of
  this THX ad parody.

  >> 19th-century drive-by <<
  Honestly? We have no idea what this short film
  loop is about but it's classic slapstick.

  >> Art Garfunkel moustache <<
  Put your finger over Paul Simon's face on the
  cover of Bridge Over Troubled Water. Voila! You
  can see what Art would look like with a
  handsome set of facial whiskers!

  >> Untimely announcement <<
  Poor astrologers... can't say anything more
  without blowing the punchline.

  >> Insensitive advertising <<
  Unfortunate ad placement in the Telegraph last
  week: want to see some puppies? Eww.

  >> BBC radio blooper <<
  On-air, a BBC DJ falls for a schoolboy prank of
  the 'Hugh Jass' variety. Oh dear


  Results from the Wrong Man Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know who the wrong men
  for the job were.

  Your favourites included:
  * CATHERINE TATE - just wrong in so many ways

  * COOKIE MONSTER - bonus points for the
    splendid use of tea-cakes (prodigy69)

  * THATCHER - amazingly, she's still not dead

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Pylons <<
  Pylons are ace, transporting our electricity
  across the nation and making the dull
  countryside look all science-fiction and that.
  If anything deserves photoshopping, it's the
  pylon. So that's what we're doing.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FRUITY CUM - Tom Scott chirrups re his
  pineapple fingering exercise, "Thanks for the
  newsletter link, B3ta - so far I've had one
  email, interested in whether pineapple would
  make my semen taste better. Funny old thing,
  the internet." 
  * TRAIN PLUGS - last week we asked what happens
  if you overload the plug sockets on trains with
  lots of toasters. Milowagner informs, "I tried
  to plug my iMac in once, but it didn't turn on.
  Turns out I tripped the fuse. They just have to
  reset them at the end of the day. Nothing bad
  happens." So there you go. It trips a fuse. Woo

  * MOUSE PATTERNS - a number of you wrote in to
  mock our suggestion that you could make nice
  photos from a long exposure shot under glass of
  mouse LED movement. "And how do you expect a
  laser mouse to work on a glass surface?" you
  said. Well, we've just tried it on a window and
  it does sort of work if they're really mucky.
  Like ours. Huzzah.

  * B3TARD WINS $10k - giant_squid boasts, "Dear
  b3ta, You were kind enough to  declare my Cow
  in the Tree animation one of the 'best of 2005'
  (a very long time ago). I stuck it on a
  'talent' site, not believing I had a chance to
  win. Unbelievably, I've won my category and am
  set to receive $10,000. So, I'd like to thank
  everyone who voted for me, and your newsletter
  for inspiring me to do silly animations in the
  first place." Woo hoo, you'll be sending us our
  usual 50%, yeah?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TWO-PENNY TOWER CHALLENGE - build the highest
  tower of 2ps without knocking them over. 

  * GLOW-STICK MAN - place those nasty tubes on
  your clothes to create a stickman outline,
  dance in the dark for the camera.

  can you last?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Watch out for Mr Pitchy. Stuff sent
  in by ||III||II||III||, necromanc17, redazril,
  masackatsu, prodigy69, Rainbored, FishNChimps,
  insignificantsnivellinglittleturd, CapnChkn,
  Supergyrations, James Lan Doky and Redsushi
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjectlols from Mofaha and The Great Architect
  for other bit in the header. Rah! to b4ta.
  (Numbers, who gives a fuck?)

  Beadle may be dead but commemorate his passing
  with this simple prank: get a new bar of soap
  and paint it with clear nail varnish. Let it
  dry and place it out to be used. (Yank Meoff)


  What's the shortest joke known to man? Dwarves!

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