NEWSLETTER: "IN A MOMENT OF MADNESS I TOOK SEXUAL ADVANTAGE OF THIS NEWSLETTER BUT I DIDN'T KILL IT."
THIS WEEK KIDS IT'S:
* OMG - Coggy lols
* PICS - Rainbow puke
* CHALLENGE - Animal instruments whimsy
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Tearing your fragile
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | inbox open with our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| enormous link-cock."
B3ta email 314 - 08 Feb 2008 - Est 2001 (blimey)
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue314/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Weebl goes to Hollywood part III
In the grand finale of Weebl's chocolate movie
adventures, our egg-bound hero grapples with
aliens. Don't leave your seat before the
credits else you'll miss the best gag. Wonder
if this will end up on the front page of Digg
like the last one?
http://tinyurl.com/2bslsh
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We love you mister ad man - talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Punchlines, poos and some bloke called Tom
>> Punchline Piracy <<
Goodiebag Kirby continues his Jane Austen-like
skewering of social convention, tackling
head-on the awkward problem of 'punchline
piracy'. Experienced raconteurs will
immediately recognise what he's talking about.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/09_punchline_pira...
>> Crap Animation <<
Disgustingly poo-themed animation from b3ta
king of dismay Butters. Smooth jazz soundtrack,
distressing imagery. Just to clarify btw, it's
drawings of poo, not actual animated poo - not
saying that we don't get sent that, of course.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_Crap_Animation
>> Tom's Tales of Brilliance <<
Animated glob of comedic fun that's eclectic
even by our standards. Slightly overlong intro,
sit tight though, as Scrambled Edd heats up the
action. Inventive.
http://b3ta.com/links/Toms_Tales_of_Brilliance
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Stalked
Last week we wanted to know if you'd been
stalked or done some stalking yourself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stalked/
Serious subjects seem to bring out the
long-but- worth-reading answers that are ruined
by squeezing them into a tight-fitting
newsletter. So here's three shorter, funny ones
for you:
* WELL, THEY SEEMED ALRIGHT - "We met a couple
on holiday - he was a bit of a "fiveskin" but
she seemed really pleasant. Good company. Until
they started "joining" us in restaurants and
bars, whether we liked it or not. Turned up
everywhere we went, ate the same food, and
drank the same beer. They'd keep us sunbeds,
right beside them. "Where are we going
tonight?", they wanted to know. We haven't
decided yet. We'll wait in reception for you,
then. Oh dear. We hung about in our room for
hours, hoping they'd get fed up and go out by
themselves. No such luck. After four hours,
there they were, all gussied up for the night
out. For the next ten days, everywhere we went,
they were right behind us. We tried saying we
fancied a quiet, romantic meal. For two. They
still waited for us. Our tolerance lasted until
the final night. Sitting at the table, nice
meal inside us, a few beers have gone down.
Then fiveskin asks his question. "Fancy coming
back to our room for a foursome, then?" I
choked on my beer, and couldn't say a word. Mr
Witch had no such problem and suggested that
they fuck right off. There and then. Before he
got angry. We never saw them again. You may be
wondering why we kept wanting to be alone and
reacted with horror at the suggestion of a
foursome. Aside from the fact that we don't
share... This was our honeymoon!" (TheWeeWitch)
* THE PIED PIPER OF STOCKPORT- "Tonight, I
picked up my little girl from her school disco.
The DJ had decided to finish with the conga: A
big snake-line formed across the dance floor as
all the little darlings follow the kiddie in
front of them with the DJ leading them all. The
DJ in his infinite wisdom decides to venture
off the dance floor and weave his way all
around the chairs, with ankle-biters still hot
in pursuit. Until... one little lad halfway
down the line sees his Mum standing there with
his coat, all ready to leave. He does what any
4 year old does and runs over to his Mum, puts
his coat on and follows her out of the door.
What she didn't realise is that all the kids
behind would keep on following. Cue absolute
chaos as all the children leg it outside
following the fabled Pied Piper of Stockport."
(brocky)
* I'M BEING STALKED BY A DOG - "A proper one
with four legs and fur. I found her living
rough and starving. I gave her some dog food,
so she followed me home. I never let her in the
house, but she refused to leave, just sitting
in the garden staring at me through the glass
door for days. It rained and she just sat there
in the pouring rain, looking even more
miserable. I'm a sucker for animals so had to
let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention
was to feed her up a bit and find a new home
for her. Four months later, she isn't
officially "my dog", but I am definitely her
master whether I want to be or not. She refuses
to let me out of her sight, being in the same
house isn't enough, it has to be the same room.
Even going for a crap means having to leave the
door open. If I close it, she'll lean against
it and make it rattle with her nervous
shivering. I'm currently away on business:
she's at my sisters house, and is spending all
day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable
sulk. Guess I'm stuck with her now. (dave
likes cheese)
http://snipurl.com/woofywoofter
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever compiled a collection of songs to express
your feelings for someone? What happened when
they got it? Did someone send you a bunch of
crap music to make them seem more interesting?
Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The evolution of tech company logos <<
Interesting article showing some rather
bizarrely clunky-looking corporate identity
from companies we now associate with slickness.
We particularly liked Canon's awesome original
logo with a 1,000-armed bodhisattva surrounded
by flames.
http://snipurl.com/bass-howlogocanugogo
>> Mentalist business manual <<
A lot of these books purport to have distilled
the secret of achieving success. In a sense,
this is no exception, being some 400 pages of
"Work hard, keep going, focus" and variations
thereof, in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of
The Shining. Brr.
http://snipurl.com/keepclickingnextpage
>> World map of Prince Philip gaffes <<
Wonderful use of the Google Maps API to provide
an interactive atlas of locations that the
outspoken royal has stuck his foot in it. We
must say, we have a soft spot for old Greeky
and his penchant for enlivening dull social
functions by insulting anybody nearby.
http://snipurl.com/hes-the-gaffer
>> Rainbow puke <<
Lots and lots of multicoloured art, inspired by
the beautiful and poetical combination of
rainbows and vomit.
http://www.rainbowpuke.com/
>> Coggy lols <<
This clockwork-motif poster for Manchester
Metroshuttle warrants a second look. Just what
are they trying to say about the service? Is
this some sort of subversive marketing satire?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/156427
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Although we prefer betamax...
>> Domino trick shot <<
Initially, this doesn't look all that
impressive - if you were allowed dominoes on a
pool table we could be world champions by now -
but the trick just keeps on going, long after
you were expecting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fuck Planet Earth <<
Trailer for the lavish David Attenborough
nature-fest redubbed with the F-word. Sort of
reminded us of Four Weddings and a Funeral,
although we're fucked if we know why. Anyway,
the photography's great!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_Planet_Earth
>> 1,000-car computer game <<
Surprisingly pretty race-game footage,
superimposing images of 1,000 vehicles going
round the track. They look a bit like water and
it's quite restful.
http://b3ta.com/links/1000_cars_racing_at_the_same...
>> Facial flex <<
Poor infomercial shills; the crap they have to
put up with. This 'face gymnasium' takes the
cake, with presenters having to fizz effusively
while having their cheeks stretched in a
peculiar manner. Good job they appear to have
no sense of shame or embarrassment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facial_flex
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring... 'I spotted a rudey'
Jonnyfatman informs, "I was watching '1983:the
brink of apocalypse' on More4 tonight and about
70 minutes in it showed a soviet spy keying a
'secret code' into his calculator. That code
was... 55378008." Which, as all schoolboys
know, is one of the best phrases to type in to
a calculator, and here's the clippy on youtube
if you're calling chinny reckon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pylons Challenge
Last week we wanted you to play around with
pylons.
Your favourites included:
* AT-AT ACCIDENT - possibly the most voted-for
challenge entry in the history of the galaxy
(tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8017428
* SOUP - a new twist on an old joke (The
Neville)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014820
* SKIPPY - look a the little pylon, see him
bounce (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014540
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pylons/
>> New challenge: Animal Instruments <<
We love animals, and we love music. Can you
imagine what a wonderful world it would be if
one was used to produce the other? Show us the
tuna trombone and the otter organ.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalinstruments/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INSIDE-OUT TOYS, God_of_the_Mind blithers, 'A
couple of issues ago you posted an article
called "Mutant toys", with the inside-out teddy
bears. Well I had a crack at it myself and took
before and after pictures. Have a gander. The
question begs, "Have I just ruined a perfectly
good teddy bear?'
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/02/08/inside-out-toy...
* FRUITY CUM - Senseless spluffs, "Was rifling
through Friday's newsletter and 'came across'
the 'fruity cum' response to the pineapple
fingerprint fiasco. Funnily enough, me and the
missus recently did an experiment into the
effect of various fruit on the taste of jizz,
with frankly marvellous results. Mangoes: Give
your man-milk a palatable tang. Oranges: No
real change in my fruition, but they were
tasty. Pineapples: Apparently, they lessened
the taste! Not fruitier, just less salty."
* GLOW STICK MAN - as per last weeks request,
Monty Boyce dribbles, "My prim and proper
middle class mother delightedly showed me a
Cerne Abbas Giant costume she'd made for a chap
she works with - complete with flashing
glow-in-the-dark cock."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* ANOTHER SHITTY CONSOLE REVIEW - DR_A is back,
and this time he's reviewing a Chintendo Vii -
yep, you heard right.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chintendo_Vii_Review
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: FRIDAY GAME
Spinning spike maze
Simple but infuriatingly tough, in the way we
like these things here: rotate the maze to
guide a little ball to the exit. We liked the
soundtrack too - full of the pathos inherent in
being a tiny, spinning ball trapped in a black
iron maze of doom. The first proper level after
the tutorials end made us laugh with its crazy
harditude.
http://onemorelevel.com/game/spin_the_black_circle
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SLOW MOTION FILMS - we've just bought a
Viewty phone. To be honest, as a phone it's too
delicate for day to day use but it does have a
120FPS film thingie on it. Surely there MUST be
something interesting that B3tards can do with
this? We would show you the video of newsletter
co-writer Dave leaping about like a spaceman,
but he's vetoed it, so here's a linky to Amazon
to buy one instead.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WFI8D...
* UNREAD POST - just looking around the house
for random inspiration for this section and we
notice a pile of letters that's building up -
mostly to people who lived here years ago. What
about starting a blog collecting peoples unread
post? There's bound to be the odd gem, poignant
letters from ignored family members, invites to
long forgotten weddings etc. Could be the
postsecret of 2008...
* THE WORLD'S BIGGEST CUP OF TEA - ask the
local council if you can fill your swimming
bath with tea bags? Gah, we're really scrapping
the barrel now. Ok - *goes for walk about the
house* - what about seeing how much money you
can get Adsense to pay out by making a flash
game called Kitten Roulette? Apparently
gambling sites pay very nicely for clickthrus.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob "I've got a hat"
Manuel with David "I have't" Stevenson. Stuff
sent in by Mike Monaco, planearm, Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectlinelols via
Thor_sonofodin, and mastheadrofls via my other
username is a porsche.
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NOT TIP:
"You know the funny smoked bacon and/or fishy
smell that comes from dusty lights, radiators
and stuff that's not been turned on in a while?
Dust is mostly dead skin, so the smell is that
of fresh-cooked human." (TechImp)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
