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This Week:
* VID - Philip Schofield on drugs
* GREYBLOKE - Gets groomed
* WEEBL - Guide to Biscuits

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "All your luggage 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       are belong to us" 

B3ta email 322 - 04 Apr 2008

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           Ken:  [email protected]
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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  Other than semen stained rags

  >> Phillip Schofield on drugs <<
  "I made a video/tune out of Phil Schofield
  clips," gurns Swede 'are you on one matey?'
  Mason, "In which he raps about loving crack and
  heroin. It used to be on YouTube. Phil ended up
  seeing it; two days later it was gone. So I
  stuck it on Myspace instead." This is very
  entertaining, but has the vibe of kept in a
  sealed box since 1992, and maybe that's why we
  like it so much.

  >> Greybloke gets a Skype call<<
  You'll start of thinking this is a bit boring,
  then it suddenly becomes utterly foul and very
  funny in an extremely wrong way. We won't spoil
  it for you, just enjoy it.

  >> Horse Manure <<
  Your newsletter team has been thinking about
  the various methods used to stop Mr Spitty from
  spitting too quickly. We reckon Sting uses
  horse poo. BTW: This is the fifth and final
  episode of our Mr Pitchy series, for now anyway.

  >> Weebl's guide to biscuits <<
  It's fair to assume that Jonti Picking lives on
  biscuits, and if he doesn't he knows far too
  much about them. We love this tribute to the
  food of the gods, and have given Jonti's
  details to the producers of BBC3's Freaky

  >> Happy Birthday war <<
  "Here's a video that I made with Mitch Benn,"
  boasts adamjamesbromley, "to mark the 5th
  anniversary of the Iraq war." If you like
  politilols, then this is right up your Downing
  Street. Even if the singer does look like John
  Prescott in a blonde wig.


  Shit Stories, part poo

  Last week we pressed the shit button and our
  users started telling stories like they were
  on Ex-lax. Lots of long, involved stories about
  poo for you to read:

  * SHITTING OFF A BRIDGE - "I used to know a guy
  called Marcus who defined the word disgusting.
  After a very heavy night, Marcus found himself
  on Richmond Bridge waiting for the train
  station to open. Around 5am, rowers began
  splashing their way upriver. In a moment of
  sicko genius he decided to take a shit on them:
  crouched on the concrete ledge, it took all his
  concentration to control the push and balance
  at the same time. It was all the more difficult
  as he was physically trembling with laughter. A
  subtle change in the sound of the boats as they
  came under the bridge and his morning glory
  took flight. "What the fuck?" "Errr, you sick
  mother," came the shouts below. He'd managed a
  direct hit on his first attempt. Laughing too
  much, his balance started to go and despite
  flapping arms, he almost instantly fell off the
  bridge into the dirty water below. All credit
  to the rowers - they pulled him ashore, made
  sure he was alright... and then took turns
  kicking any remaining shit out of his body. The
  last thing he remembers was the expanding anus
  of a burly rower about to take a shit on his
  face." (kiss.me.where.i.poo)
  * WHAT'S GREEK FOR SHIT? - "On arrival on
  Zakynthos, we were solemnly instructed to put
  the tissue in the bin after wiping, and not
  down the ancient Greek plumbing. 11 days later
  we were talking about how sorry we felt for the
  maids having to empty the used tissues from the
  bin. Silence reigned for a couple of seconds,
  then Suzi piped up, "Hang on, what do you mean
  'putting tissue in the bin'? You haven’t been
  flushing your poo away, have you? You're not
  meant to put any solids down the toilet or
  it'll block the drains!" It turned out, that
  Suzi hadn't listened very well. Instead of
  passing her jobbies into the toilet, she'd been
  diligently folding tissue paper in to her hand,
  pooing on to that, and depositing the whole
  shitty, tissuey mess in to the small bin by the
  throne. She left the maid a big tip."
  * THANK YOU VERY MUCH - "My ambulance was sent
  to a woman complaining of abdominal pain. My
  partner Fabio and I can handle a lot of gross
  smells but this smelled like the patient had
  done a shit, vomited into said shit, let it
  ferment in piss for a week, added a heaped
  tablespoon of vinegar flavoured rat cum and
  then re-ingested the lot and shat it out again.
  There was shit on the sofa, shit in the carpet,
  shitty hand prints on the walls, shit all over
  the patient (who had passed out and was lying
  in the shitty shit) and there was shit in the
  shit. Fortunately, my partner was patient care
  officer on this job thus enabling me to tread
  shit whilst alternately making fake dry
  retching noises and laughing at his genuine
  retching. About a week later we received a
  thank-you card from the patient which
  surprisingly did not smell of shit. She was
  very embarrassed by the whole situation and was
  profusely apologetic. Before my partner saw the
  card I forged an extra line of writing which
  said: "Fabio, did your thumb slip up my arse
  because of the shit or was that just a way of
  stopping me doing any more? Either way, it was
  nice. Call me." I added a couple of brown thumb
  prints to the card courtesy of Cadbury's. He
  actually dry retched on reading it, which was
  nice." (emadex)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your DIY disasters. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Fantastic MAD fold-ins <<
  A classic feature of MAD magazine, and arguably
  the best thing in it, fold over the pages to
  reveal a hidden image and message by artist Al
  Jafee. We were left a bit confused by some of
  the more US-centric references, but it's all
  very clever stuff indeed.

  >> Ric Flair Finance <<
  In the UK it's TV brainbox Carol Vorderman
  inciting the poor to hazard their credit. The
  US, however, prefers someone a little more...
  energetic. The poor, sad little "woo" he adds
  to his sales spiel made us feel sorry for him

  >> Pretty, pretty light graffiti <<
  Some truly impressive effects in this galley of
  'light graffiti" culled from Flickr. To try it
  yourself you'll need a torch, a camera with a
  long exposure time and, er, darkness. 

  >> Incredible frivolous lawsuit guy <<
  Jonathan Lee Ritches is a US convict who is
  passing his lengthy jail term avenging himself
  against the US court system with an endless
  cycle of bizarre lawsuits. At last that's what
  we assume. Cases range from suing Brad and
  Angelina for kidnapping Madeleine McCann, to
  going after Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner for
  paying their taxes (which he alleged went to
  funding his incarceration). Perhaps it's all a
  surreal joke, perhaps he's actually mentally
  unwell... no-one can say for sure.


  Kitten goes to bed

  "Oh to be a kitten", news TIAL, "where the
  serious business of chasing a toy ends in
  finding oneself neatly tucked away for bed


  And remember next week, YOU could be the star!

  >> Monkeys on Motorbikes <<
  If we were wearing our PC hat, we'd say this is
  animal exploitation, from dreadfully
  economically-disadvantaged people for the
  entertainment of crass western tourists.
  However, fuck it, we're B3ta, and it's a monkey
  on a motorbike FFS! A monkey on a fucking

  >> Alien abduction <<
  No one at B3ta HQ can drive a car or pass a
  driving test, so imagine our mental trauma on
  watching this rather fantastic short from
  Pixar, Lifted. Shown before Ratatouille in the
  cinema, and if you're one of the two people
  left in the world who haven't caught that movie
  yet, then watch that too, for it comes with our
  prestigious 'ideal bank holiday' movie award.

  >> Drunk Jeff Goldblum <<
  In 1999 Jeff made a series of ads for Apple and
  some naughty internet pixie has slowed down the
  audio 30% to make him sound completely pissed.
  Yourzzz mah besstestss frriendds etc etc.

  >> Orange peel teeth trick <<
  We all did this as kids, but this man does with
  an unnatural precision. He's rather too nifty
  with a knife for comfort, and has the
  worryingly precise air of Gunther von Hagens.
  Still, nice to be reminded of a cute little
  trick. We also recommend doing similar with
  chewing gum and peanuts.

  >> Walk of death <<
  El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a
  ruined path along the walls of a gorge in
  Spain. After four people died at the turn of
  the millennium, the local government closed off
  the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker
  and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild
  side. Few vids make us as feel as sick as this.

  >> Remember Noseybonk? <<
  If you're British and in your 30s, you may
  remember this from kids' telly. It's bloody
  weird and only unintentionally funny. We're not
  sure if the "nosegay" seeds was a deliberate
  joke, but we certainly laughed out loud when
  six giant cocks - we mean noses - sprouted from
  their individual pots of muck.


  Now featuring Amazonlols quarterly

  * SPAAKY KIDS - Stephen Joyes belms, "My
  brother had a leaflet posted through his door a
  few weeks ago for a company called SPAAK. It's
  not exactly a politically-correct word at the
  best of times but these people decided it would
  make a good name for a children's
  afterschool/weekend club!"

  * PENETRATING WAGNER'S RING - an oldie but
  goldie from the 'amusing reviews on Amazon'
  series via David Beckett. "When I initially
  came across Wagner's Ring it was like a
  revelation. I couldn't quite put my finger on
  it - but I wanted to." etc. etc.


  Results from the famous babies challenge

  Last week we wanted to see famous people as

  Your favourites included:
  * MR BEAN - this image is terrifying (Pob_mk2)

  * KERMIT - it was never easy being green,
  especially in the early days (Beardo)

  * SOCK - not just for Christmas (prodigy69)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Third World America <<
  Use photoshop (or Microsoft Paint if you must)
  to predict the effects of global recession on
  the lovely US of A.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CELEB BABES IN THE STAR - Er... that would be
  the UK tabloid covering b3ta's 'Celebrities as
  Babies' image challenge  - and with a nice
  credit too. Amusingly, they do describe the
  pics as the work of 'a computer whizz'.

  * KENTISH TOWN MUSIC VIDEO - "In response to
  your plea for NW5-based pop vids in last week's
  newsletter," parps Seb, "here's the Ed
  Wood-tastic promo for 'I Want To Go To Borneo',
  the debut single by my band The Inconsolables.
  QUAKE! as a giant hamster marauds around
  Kentish Town, attacking taxis, phone booths and
  quality ladies-wear emporium Blustons. GASP! in
  amazement at the special FX. And WEEP! as Noel
  Fielding gets nibbled to death."

  * NOB SIGS - Mikemystery answers our call for
  cock and balls names with a brilliant example
  from occult japester Aleister 'Great Beast'
  Crowley. Can you uncover anything better? We're
  told that Mohammed al-Fayed also has a phallic
  sig but no examples were forthcoming.


  Burn the rope

  "Have you received about 5000 emails about this
  yet?" asks tismselfstorage, "You should have.
  It's the best game ever." Heh, he has a point,
  we enjoyed it muchly and wonder if it's making
  not-so-subtle reference to Portal.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ADULT-UP MOVIE - mictoboy ponders, "seeing
  your link to porn cartoons got me thinking. I
  reckon it must be possible to insert bits of
  hardcore porn into otherwise tame sex scenes
  from mainstream movies, to 'dirty up' the
  sexiness - Last Tango in Paris with proper
  money shots; Don't Look Now with anal
  penetration. For my money it could seriously
  improve otherwise rather dull cinema."

  * RICKROLL BBC NEWS - greem requests, "I read
  in your latest newsletter about the plan to
  rickroll an entire railway station. Interesting
  though this is, I think it can be taken
  further. You may know that Radio 4's six
  o'clock news starts with the chimes of Big Ben,
  which are broadcast live from a microphone in
  the clock tower. This microphone picks up other
  sounds around Parliament as well - occasionally
  you can hear a police siren going past. So, if
  a large group of people were to assemble in
  Parliament Square just before 6pm on a
  pre-arranged day, and sing very loudly in the
  general direction of Big Ben at the right
  moment, they could successfully rickroll the
  news." Heh, good plan, and we had no idea the
  live broadcasts of the chimes when they could
  just use a bloody tape.

  * OVER EGGING THE PUDDING - thinking about this
  odd little phrase and we've never eaten a
  pudding with too many eggs. Maybe you'd like to
  see what cake comes out like if you add 16
  eggs? How many eggs is too many? Only science
  knows the answer.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Just noticed that the BBC iPlayer
  has a volume control that is one louder and
  goes to 11. Stuff sent in by jessekillerkay,
  gronkpan, neal.atkinson. Tip Topiary by "when
  cutting your hedge into the shape of a penis,
  take a photo of your cock for the model, rather
  than waving your old chap all around the front
  lawn." Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via HappyToast, mastheadlols from Ad7.

  If you're bored and want to find out something
  amusing, go to www.imdb.com and in the search
  criteria type in the word wanker. (Ravage


  It's been confirmed that Dawn French has
  contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease.
  Doctors have given her 27 years to live.

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