NEWSLETTER: "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FROM CHILD ABDUCTION. YOUR STEP BY STEP GUIDE"
* VIDEO - I think I fancy Boris
* QUIZ - Youtube's shitty comments
* QUESTION - Share your phobias
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "But we did come when
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | you were crying
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| last night..."
B3ta email 323 - 11 Apr 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue323/
Karen Matthews: [email protected]
Kate McCann: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Guitar Hero video compo - last chance
We already pimped this compo a couple of weeks
ago, but today is closing day for the first
round where the prize is you get flown out to
Los Angeles, and a digitised likeness of you
gets put into the next Guitar Hero release.
So get something in quick for everlasting fame
and possibly fortune.
http://www.releaseyourrockstar.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than pick fluff from their bellybuttons
>> YouTube troll quiz <<
Great to see Monkeon busting out his
quiz-making mojo with this peculiar game. Can
you identify famous video clips solely from
comments left by YouTube troglodytes?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/youwhat/
>> Lost title music <<
"Lost needs a theme tune," booms Jonti Picking.
"So we've made one." It's great, Jonti - now do
one for The News At Ten.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Lost+Titles/
>> "I Think I Fancy Boris" <<
"Mayoral elections are coming up in London,"
reminds ryandeean. "We all know they are a
bit of a farce. This is a video I made for
Boris called: 'I think I fancy Boris'" We were
initially suspicious this was some sort of
political PR stunt but, if so, it's the kind we
could happily live with.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Do the indie kid <<
MJ Hibbett and friends sing the praises of the
trendy dance of their misspent youth. Catchy
stuff, endearingly home-made video. "We're
really chuffed with it!" he justifiably beams.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Do_The_Indie_Kid
>> Bewildering teddy bear vid <<
"I sent a teddy bear hitch-hiking for charity
around some of the more troubled areas of the
world," claims VicJameson, rather
unconvincingly. "This film has recently been
emailed to me anonymously." The ending is wrong
on any number of levels but, frankly, we're too
scared not to include it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
DIY Disasters
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about your DIY disasters:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/
* CHANDELIER - "We'd moved into our first flat
together and done what all sickly, loved-up
first flat couples do - decided to 'make it our
own.' This involves painting the 'Apple White'
to 'Apricot White' and going to Ikea. In the
lighting section my girlfriend stopped dead in
the aisle making a strange cooing sound, 'It's
soooo pretty.' It was a mock bronze chandelier.
It was a pig ugly piece of junk. 'It looks like
something Del Boy would try and flog for a
fiver, anyway I know how to put it up and you
don’t.' 'Yes I do.' 'What? Okay, you can buy it
if you put it up.' To my complete shock Mrs
KMWIP managed to put the chandelier up. To my
greater shock, up it stayed. That night, after
sharing a warm bath, we walked into the front
room to try our new sofas. A bottle of
champagne was opened and we kissed in that
sickly, doughy way that you do when you first
live together. Within a few minutes I was
removing her dressing gown and caressing her
body. After at least an hour of award-winning
foreplay (what? it's my story) we were gently
making love on the sofa. I remember looking
deeply in her eyes and thinking how lucky I am.
I required 5 stitches when the chandelier fell
on my back. My spine was so bruised that I was
unable to walk for a week. She'd thought that
the Rawl plugs were little plastic sleeping
bags for the screws so they wouldn’t bang about
in the bag. She had carefully removed each one
before screwing the screws into the half inch
plaster ceiling." (kiss.me.where.i.poo)
* PAINT - "You know that old story where some
dickhead starts paint a floor and ends up in
the far corner of the room with the whole floor
painted and he's unable to get out? I was that
dickhead. But, being me, I had to make it
worse. So I took my shoes and socks off and
made a dash for the door reasoning that I could
paint over my foot marks when the floor had
dried. I also decided to run on the tips of my
toes and use big strides to minimise the
damage. First stride lands OK, but the momentum
swung me into my second stride which touched
the floor and went into an immediate skid
ending up with me crashing into a wall,
bouncing off, and rolling all over my freshly
painted floor. I'm a great ideas man but my
implementation lets me down." (Legless)
* BEER+SHED = PISSED SHED - "In my defence, I
was very drunk and it was raining. Work was
generally interrupted by sniggering about the
word 'erections'. When all is said and done
though, if it's raining, it's too wet to fix
and when it's dry, it's as good as anyone
else's shed..." (Linbox)
http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/pissed_shed.jpg
>> This Week's Question <<
What gives you the heebie-jeebies? Tell us of
your phobias here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/phobias/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Emails from mum <<
This site has rather brilliantly hit on the
slightly odd way in which mums communicate with
their offspring via the internet. It's an
interesting collection of messages with a high
proportion of "why don't you call more often?"
Guilt.
http://postcardsfromyomomma.com/
>> Over-priced TV comments <<
B3tard Thundercat informs us that he and
various internet randoms have been amusing
themselves with reviewing this £21,000
television set. We particularly liked the guy
who was disappointed that 'the 70" size
referred to is the screen size not thickness
(which is only a puny 3-4").'
http://www.ebuyer.com/product/134563/show_product_...
>> "My sister is a porn star" <<
First-hand account of a bloke who bought a porn
magazine, only to find his estranged sister
pictured inside. Thought-provoking stuff, as he
recounts the family history that led her down
the path of porno.
http://snipurl.com/sisterfister
>> My Nazi dolls <<
In what may be the best personal ad ever, this
collector explains his unfortunate predicament.
The 'action figure community' are mean to him
because he is gay; other gay men are appalled
by his extensive collection of nattily-dressed
nazi action men. Still, at least he has his
little guys. "I like to keep them looking
fancy," he explains.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/51526837....
>> Hidden images in audio tracks <<
It's reasonably well-known that Aphex Twin
concealed images in his music, viewable with a
spectrograph. Inspired, this bloke grabs his
spectrograph and investigates, uncovering some
more hidden pictures, including an endearing
cat.
http://www.bastwood.com/aphex.php
>> Better coin designs <<
Amusing commentary on the Royal Mint's recent
call for ideas from the public for new UK
coinage. We particularly liked the suggestion
of selling advertising on the back of the 50p
piece, which we figure is actually sort of
workable.
http://www.apathysketchpad.com/blog/2005/08/19/pic...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Startled moonlight rabbit
A beautiful baby bunny caught, poised in the
camera flash as she raids the lettuce patch.
She would probably be delightful in a casserole.
http://i26.tinypic.com/10mpw2e.jpg
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Your pathetic cameraphone lols
>> Painting on toast <<
Enjoyable sped-up footage of someone creating a
portrait out of toast and the Australian wonder
food vegemite. Gets the idea across pretty
quickly, but we liked the long period of slight
alterations and revisions as it showed a rare
attention to detail for an internet vid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sex crime fashion <<
Comedian Jon Lajoie on his extensive range of
alluring paedo/rapist/killer clothing
accessories - guaranteed to win the ladies over.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0b502feff0
>> Toilet graffiti <<
Arty contrast between the polite, charming face
men present to women and the things they scrawl
on the walls of the toilet. We suspect that the
gents toilet is the best glimpse you can get of
what a world without women would be like.
http://www.icewhole.com/site/films/film.cfm
>> Home-made DS <<
Nicely-rendered all-paper Nintendo DS, complete
with hand-drawn Super Mario.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Home_Made_DS
>> Headcases "ok" <<
Slacking on YouTube, we happened across the
recent satirical successor to Spitting Image.
Surprisingly, it wasn't shit. In fact, we sort
of kind of enjoyed watching it. So if you missed
it while it was on telly and you have some time
to spare you could do worse. Let this ringing
endorsement be your guide!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Will they never learn?
* INADVERTENT SEX LINE - Horrific
mispronunciation on the Computer Exchange
automated phone system. "Welcome to Cex." Your
fearless b3ta team investigates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* BONE SUCKING SAUCE - ill-advised attempt at
southern slang from a Lakeland catalogue.
http://img398.imageshack.us/my.php
* ASK FOR COCK - Astonishingly direct vintage
advertising.
http://snipurl.com/andgodsavethequeen
* DOCTOR FUCK - The pubmed archive throws up
yet another amusingly-named medic. Is there any
limit to its wonders?
http://snipurl.com/doctor-fuck
* DAILY STAR SNATCH AGONY - UK tabloid words
front page headline really, really badly. Or,
considering their deputy editor used to edit
Zoo, maybe it's all on purpose?
http://shrunk.net/45c7ea60
* NIPSUK - alas, no erotic topless pictures on
this website for Northern Insulation and
Pipeline Stockists Ltd
http://www.nipsuk.com
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Third World USA Challenge
Last week we wanted to see how the USA
would suffer in a global depression.
Your favourites included:
* PARIS - celebrity goes to the dogs (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8246267
* MEARS - survival, southern style
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8252046
* HAPPY - the world's reaction to the USA's
demise (Alpaca)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8254048
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thirdworldamerica/
>> New challenge: The Future of Ads <<
What will ads look like the future? What new
products will there be, and how will they be
advertised? What current products will still be
around, and how will they be sold?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/advertising_future/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* OVER-EGGING THE PUDDING - "One of my student
mates was a bit of a space cadet," explains
Sarah. "When he made a birthday cake for
another friend, it was his first ever baking
adventure and enjoyed cracking the eggs open so
much he got a little carried away and ended up
using 18 eggs (the recipe called for two)." The
result was cake-shaped scrambled eggs.
* ALEISTER CROWLEY - "The Great Beast was my
great uncle," confesses Boxofrabbits. "It's no
joke. My grandfather used to hate all mentions
of him because the family was forced to sell
their brewery to pay for the debts he racked
up."
* LIGHT GRAFFITI - "After seeing that link in
the newsletter the other day, I remembered that
there was a whole music video done with this by
Kaki King," explains W3rthers. It works well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* VEXATIOUS LITIGANTS - "Regarding your
American prisoner who keeps suing people
[Jonathan Lee Riches, last issue]," informs
Christi. "That wouldn't actually be possible if
he lived over here. There's a bunch of people
who have basically been barred from bringing
cases in the UK courts without the permission
of a judge, as they were taking the piss."
Interestingly, they are sort of named and
shamed here:
http://snipurl.com/yourcardismarked
* FAMOUS YORKSHIREMEN - "A sarf African
colleague was asking me 'who famous comes from
Yorkshire'," explains John. "After a bit of
thought I came up with Peter Sutcliffe but then
decided on a bit of a google to find out more.
Have a read down this list and see if you spot
anyone familiar ." To save you the effort,
Jonti is a famous Yorkshire man. And they're
boasting about it, TO BOOST TOURISM! He should
do them a little animation or something, like
he did with Kenya.
http://www.yorkshiretouristguide.com/Articles/Arti...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RANDOM PROVERB GENERATOR - write code to
split up old phrases to make new ones, "Two
heads are better than two in the bush", "Don't
cut off your nose after the horse has bolted"
or even, "when the cat's away, three's a
crowd." Lovely list of proverbs here, that kept
us amused for too long:
http://nostalgia.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_prover...
* TOASTER CIRCUIT BENDING - rig up your toaster
with the biggest spring you can find, how high
can you make your caramelised bread jump?
* STARBUCKS IS THE NEW MCDONALDS - how many
calories is it possible to consume in both for
£5 and who wins? Our money is on Starbucks,
the new home of the internet fatty.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Love it : [email protected]
Hate it: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matthewmarter,
Fishgoth, The magic of chutney, Monkey Tennis
*naf, flame boy, P3te, Pixelpops, jon pitt,
chequebookvandal, roystead, SickRik,
vinnie.brien, BadBadman, Friz 3.0, gertrude
went home, jim keane and your mum. Top Tippery
by monkeon. Not only a quiz, but a tip too!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Webbies to b4ta. Subjlol from The Great
Architect, mastheadrofl via thiswasmyclone.
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TOP TIP FOR VANDALS :
Because The Kooks have printed their name in
white on a black background for their latest
poster campaign, all it takes is two strokes of
a black marker to change their name to The
<ocks.
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SICKIPEDIA:
Thumbs up for leprosy! Oh, wait a sec...
http://www.sickipedia.org/
