NEWSLETTER: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC 2: THE VON TRAPPED FAMILY"
This Week:
TOON - Cat Face 7
VID - Flappy lips
READ - Weird Wikipedia
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "NEVER MIND THE BALLOTS
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | HERE'S THE NEWSLETTER"
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B3ta email 326 - 2 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue326/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Crossing Swords
Ever wanted to punch your boss in the face with
a hot iron? I bet this guy does. Get clicky.
http://tinyurl.com/6pfdto
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Raspberries, Rap, Hotlinks and Cat Face
>> Flappy lips <<
"Students and posh camera equipment should
never be given an excuse to mix," warns t0mki.
But why not, if this classical aria of rubbery,
slow-motion raspberry-blowing is the inevitable
result?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flappy_Lips
>> 'Would Like to Meet' <<
"My mates and I did this drunken sweary hip hop
thing," confesses DaveTheTriffids, "About our
desperate loneliness and general sense of self
loathing." It's an unsavoury Midlands-based
lonely hearts ad.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/183397
>> Italian politico hotlink madness <<
"An Italian politician called Francesco Storace
stole one of my pictures and hotlinked it,"
complains Occulus. Briefly, this means he stole
the pic to use on his website but left her to
pay the bills. She asked him to stop. No
response. "So I swapped my picture of the
Pantheon for one of him receiving it up the bum
courtesy of Berlusconi." Hehe.
http://www.sionmc.com/storace/stealing.htm
>> Cat Face 7 <<
This latest instalment sees Jonti's macroephalic
hero hounded by wildlife documentary film crews.
Silly David Attenborough.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+7
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
When animals attack
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted your tales of dreadful
spiky-fanged death.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/animals/
* HAPPY FINISH - My mate D spent some of his
gap year working in a wild animal sanctuary in
Malaysia. One day he was happily cleaning the
area next to the orang-utan enclosure when
suddenly a huge, hairy orange hand reached
through the bars of the enclosure and grabbed
him round the back of head. He froze, having
been told the best thing to do if grabbed by
one of the animals was not to struggle as most
would then think you were dead and drop you.
However this didn't seem to have much of an
effect as the orang-utan then slowly but surely
began to pull him towards the cage. D twisted
his head round to come face-to-face with Omar,
the biggest and most bad-ass of all the male
orang-utans in the sanctuary. Now in fear of his
life, he then noticed something worse. Omar was
only holding him with one hand because he was
furiously wanking himself silly with the other.
(I just went out to feed the pigeons)
* TICK - My friend John and I were in
Bangladesh and we got lost in rare style. We
found ourselves in a jungle, and, to cut a long
story short, two days later we ended up in a
hotel in Chittagong. We splashed out on some
luxury, but on inspecting my shoulder to see
why it was so itchy, I found I was infested
with ticks. Tugging them with tweezers didn't
work, as their heads gripped very tightly.
John, damn him a thousand times, at that point
"remembered" that the way to get rid of ticks
is to burn them off. Holding a lit match to
your skin is never fun at the best of times,
but holding one under your earlobe is simply
awful. The worst moment came when I thought I
had finished, but then realised that a tick was
in fact sucking on my scrotum. I was being
tea-bagged by an insect, and the only way to
stop its advances was to hold a lit match to my
balls. The bathroom filled with the smell of
singed pubic hairs (and howls of laughter from
John). The next day we happened to come across
some doctors, to whom we told our story. They
smirked, shook their heads and told us that
burning a tick leaves its head buried under
your skin. We could look forward to some nasty
infections, and sure enough for months to come
the bites were gushing pus. The one above my
nipple wept so much that four months later
someone pointed out that I appeared to be
lactating. (I grew it myself)
* KITTY KALAMITY - I brought it upon myself. I
once bit the cat on the stomach. Think
facehuggers from alien. CLAMP. Mum couldn't get
her off because she was laughing too hard.
(ClanSoul)
>> This Week's Question <<
Pet peeves. What makes you angry? Tell us so we
can laugh at your impotent rage.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/peeves/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Kittywigs <<
In case your feline companion is struck down
with a debilitating case of the mange before
that all-important dinner party. Or perhaps
just to 'spice things up' around the... oh god,
we don't know why you'd want to dress your cat
up. But this is the place. If it was real.
http://www.kittywigs.com/wigindex.html
>> Neverland at night <<
Slightly creepy gallery of pics, taking you by
the hand and leading you round Michael
Jackson's notorious, private amusement park.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tunnelbug/sets/721576...
>> The weird side of Wikipedia <<
Massive chunk of read-y goodness; wikipedia's
list of articles considered unusual. If we were
smart we'd keep this secret and grind about 5
newsletters'-worth of ideas from it - it's a
gold-mine!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Unusual_art...
>> Coffin Couches <<
Enterprising company that converts 'factory
damaged' coffins into gothic sofas. Soft
furnishings with an inappropriate aura of
menace, as if they scuttle round the room on
their spindly legs and creep up behind you when
you go to put the kettle on.
http://coffincouches.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Grrrrrrrr! Bears!
You know one of these little scamps could
easily take an arm off but it doesn't stop them
being quite delightful. We wonder why they're
being so lovingly reared; our guess is they'd
all make a lovely Russian hat.
http://englishrussia.com/
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: E4
Bonus sponsored linky
Who said traffic wardens can’t rap? Click below
to see more at E4.com/webheroes
http://tinyurl.com/6ha6re
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Stuff that's almost funny if you're simple
>> Metronome experiment <<
Ever wondered how to synchronise 5 metronomes?
Maybe you're a bit deaf and one isn't loud
enough? Help is at hand with SCIENCE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Synchronisation
>> Visual bromide <<
In a clip that's enough to put you off sex for
life, we see what really happens when a man and
woman 'make love'. Very NSFW and very, very
disgusting.
http://snipurl.com/dontwatchthis
>> Facebook nightmares made real <<
Taken from BBC Sketch show "The Wall" that, for
all we know, may be great or may be a bit shit
(like Lily Allen and Friends). Anyway, this
sketch is spot on and sent a chill down our
collective spines. Not just because we know
idiots like this, but because we're all a
little bit guilty ourselves.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_in_real_life
>> Billy Connolly pisstake <<
Billy Connolly was vaguely entertaining in the
70s when he swore a lot and did ridiculous
songs like "In the Brownies". Now he's had too
much therapy to be properly funny, yet still
pops up on screen doing his rambling monologues
without punch-lines. This perfectly captures the
intrinsic lameness of the contemporary Connolly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Connollys_Bullshit...
>> Floating head lol <<
This starts off by looking like some rotten
student film complete with inept special
effects. It then turns into pure psychodrama.
And if that wasn't enough, it ends on a song.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Twin Towers conspiracy parody <<
We've all seen our fair share of theories about
why 9/11 really happened, so we love this next
clip, complete with CGI worthy of an Amstrad
GX4000.
http://b3ta.com/links/REAL_proof_that_9_11_was_all...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Gladiators Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what Gladiators:
Extreme Edition would be like.
Your favourites included:
* TERMINAL 5 - The Travelator proves unpopular
with contestants at Heathrow (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8315578
* SPEIGHT - while over at St. Pancras, the
latest challenge takes its first victim (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8320312
* TOM CRUISE - finally, the Hollywood action
hero tackles an opponent his own size (The
Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8330121
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gladiators/
>> New challenge: Uxbridge English <<
In tribute to the great Humphrey Lyttelton,
this week's challenge is to expand the Uxbridge
English Dictionary. We shouldn't have to
explain this. Challenge suggested by clorey
mcnuggety.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uxbridge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MAKE YOUR OWN PUMPKIN FACE-
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed retorts, "From a 1938
issue of "Popular Science" the first step is to
make an aluminium mould of the face, I assume
this is done by placing a sheet of aluminium
over the face and beating it into shape with a
hammer."
http://snipurl.com/boris
* RETRO-GAMING SPAT - "Bruce Everiss has
deleted around 180 posts from his original
blog, and subtly edited other posts to skew
the argument in his favour," informs
bertybop909. "Luckily, someone preserved the
original thread before Bruce butchered it in
his favour. Even better, they've produced a
web-page that shows the original thread
side-by-side with the edited version, so people
can see exactly the extent Bruce went to to
hide/edit comments from his detractors."
http://worldofstuart.excellentcontent.com/brucewor...
* SHED LOAD OF DATA - Linbox geeks out, "Just
kind of interesting in a techie way: The stats
from my host made interesting reading
during/after my shed made it to the newsletter.
It also shipped about 1.6Gb of data in 7 days,
compared to 42Mb for the whole of March...
Yay!" And indeed woo, and we hope you lose your
virginity soon. (Sorry!)
http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/shed-hits.jpg
* FRUIT OF THE PENIS - last week we asked you
go grow oddly-shaped veg. Of course you're
all too lazy and just reached for google
instead. jbarlow_jb ejaculates, "These peppers
taste quite nice as well, always a surprise
for people to find a whole one in a salad."
http://www.g6csy.net/chile/peppers/pene.jpg
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: FRIDAY GAME
Perfect Pitch Game
Being crap musicians we've delighted in playing
this 'can you guess the note' game, and we've
concluded that we haven't got perfect pitch
(far from it), but our relative pitch is fine.
Woohoo.
http://detrave.net/nblume/perfect-pitch/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERNATIONAL TALLER OR SMALL - just been
reading this great wikipedia page that has the
average heights of different nationalities.
Could be a great game here - like Bruce
Foresight does higher or lower, but very
vaguely racist.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height
* DISPOSABLE HEROES OF HIPHOPRACY MASH UP -
been amusing ourselves all week singing,
"Cbeebies, the drug of the nation, breeding
ignorance and feeding radiation." Could be a
great video - cutting from Michael Franti
bombastically denouncing TV, and clips of In
The Night Garden and that dickhead Justin who's
on everything.
* KEYBOARD PRANKS - swap the n and m key on
your mums keyboard. Or install Linux. Mums love
linux.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bad Horsey who
moaned that we didn't credit him last week for
well, being bad and also being a horse we
suppose, seekew SockCooker, netkiller2005, and
not forgetting stevepiercy. Subjlol from Ad7.
Mastheadlol from barryheadwound. We also liked
'A product of the untalented, sold by the
unprincipled to the utterly bewildered' but it
was a bit long. Thanks art of work. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Scaryduck is QOTW bloke. B4ta is secret, don't
go hunting for weird URLs. Yes, we mean YOU
b3tard. (clicky pen)
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the most sensitive part of your body
when you're having a wank? Your ears.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
