NEWSLETTER: "B3TA: NO LONGER ON FUCKING FIRE."
This Week:
* COOKING - Sweets in the Breville
* LEGO - Amy Winehouse is bricking it
* EVIL PENCILS - Everyone loves evil pencils
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're touching the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cloth... together"
B3ta email 331 - 6 Jun 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue331/
Obama: [email protected]
Hillary: [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Tattoo your ad message on our internet face.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Haribo, Lego and Jedi nerds
>> Internet fatty toasted sandwich <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has been playing with a
Breville and a load of sweets, in an attempt to
imagine what a true internet fatty would
concoct when feeling peckish. This is full of
win.
http://www2.b3ta.com/internetfattytoastedsandwich/
>> Amy Winehouse in Lego <<
Last week we asked you to beat our version of
Star Trek's Sulu and make your own favourite
celebs from Danish plastic bricks. Viridian
stepped up to the might challenge with a
fantastic and almost arty Amy Winehouse. Looks
just like her, but with better skin.
http://www.merde-sans-frontieres.co.uk/Amy/
>> Star Wars jugglers <<
"I've made something that you might like,"
proffers Thomas Scott like an internet Fagin,
"it's called "The Coruscant Juggling Club", and
it's got some Jedi jugglers in it." He also
asked us to make some jokes about balls but
we're far too sophisticated for that. (BTW: Our
favourite new expression for semen is
'ballpaper paste'.)
http://www.thomasscott.net/jugglers/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Public Transport Trauma
Last week we asked for your public transport
woes. Based on these, we don't ever want to
share a bus with any of you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/
* OMG NATIONAL NEWS STORY IS A B3TARD, YEP THAT
TRANSFORMERS AT AIRPORT THINGIE - "A couple of
weeks ago I was forced to remove my
transformers t-shirt at Heathrow Terminal 5 to
get through airport security. Because the
depicted robot was carrying a gun according to
the security guy. I got on page 15 of "The Sun"
on Monday. The BBC heard about it, and sent
over a film crew - I even got a pint on the
BBC. Which tasted even better coming from my
license fee. It even got as far that my Mum in
Brisbane. The worst experience is to come as I
expect I've been put on a 'black list' for
extra special treatment next time I go through
an airport for showing what fools BAA are. The
most amusing thing about the whole thing is
reading comments on blogs/news sites around the
world. They range from those giving grief to a
30 year old wearing a transformers t-shirt, to
those arguing that it isn't Megatron, it's
Optimus Prime." (Kaer)
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* FREE HAIR GEL - "Manchester, Saturday night.
The last available double seat downstairs was
right in front of a pack of chavvy looking guys
of about 15. They didn't look too bad though
and the one directly behind me was unmistakably
learning disabled so I thought they were
probably quite nice to be out with him really.
I have pretty nice hair. It's long, it's silky,
it's been described as 'glistening in the sun
like freshly spun gold' when just washed.
People comment on it a fair amount and a lot of
my friends like to randomly stroke it, so I
wasn't all that surprised when I felt someone
behind me playing with it. When I turned round
to ask the kid to stop... well, you can't hide
a raging boner in a pair of nylon trackies.
Somewhat freaked out, I said nothing and turned
back around. I didn't really want to draw any
attention to the poor guy, but when I heard the
lads he was with start laughing, I realised
they must have noticed. I felt a bit sorry for
him when I got off the bus to meet my friend
for swimming. She told me I looked a bit weird,
so I explained what had happened as we went
inside. It was only when passed her in the
changing rooms that she let out a shriek. You
guessed it. Retarded Scally Boy had had a
lovely bus wank and jizzed in my hair."
(Completely Underwhelmed)
* SO, SO SORRY - "I would like to apologise to
the cleaners of the toilets on First Capital
Connect trains. I was mid-poo and needed to be
sick and I wasn't sure what to do. I now
realise that deliberating with my arse facing
the door and my mouth the wall wasn't the best
thing to do when the spasm hit. To spray so
completely two sides of a toilet and the floor,
although impressive, must have ruined your
morning. You will be rewarded in the afterlife
and I will be reincarnated as a toilet duck."
(sepang - who is not welcome in B3ta HQ any
time soon)
>> This Week's Question <<
How far have you had to go before someone will
finally get the message and accept that they
are dumped? Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasereleaseme/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Sexist lols <<
Men all over the world are being currently
dragged to see the Sex And The City movie, to
keep their wives and girlfriends happy. They
may pretend to like it, but these two links
represent what they really think. (Unless they
are gay. Or like wearing dresses.)
http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/
http://thechickensarescratching.ytmnd.com/
>> 2girls1cup Cake <<
We recently made a Thomas the Tank Engine cake
for a child's birthday, simply by taking a
picture off the internet and giving it to our
local cake shop. These people did the same, and
we hope the party went with a swing. BTW: Just
looked into printing our own cakes, you can get
special non-lethal ink for printer for about
£120 and make about 150 cakes.
http://flickr.com/photos/pinguino/2543609793/
>> Crap Album Covers <<
We shouldn't slag off MS Paint, it's like
kicking a wounded puppy, but the Fisher-Price
version of photoshop you get with Windows
really is shit. Nonetheless we love this series
of classic album covers, all lovingly rendered
with - yes, you guessed it, MS Paint. Their
spack-handed quality gives them a remedial
charm.
http://snipurl.com/mspaintisbent [flickr_com]
>> Joke with a five year punchline <<
We marvel at someone who can be arsed to bury a
laminated letter at the bottom of a pond in the
hope that they can go HA! at some unspecified
time in the future.
http://snipurl.com/pondlols [www_thatcanadiangirl_co_uk]
>> Nasty prison knives <<
Shivs are improvised weapons made by lags for
stabbing the screws. We enjoyed this rather
nasty little collection, although if we were in
chokey, we'd blind people with our thumbs.
http://www.designobserver.com/archives/shiv1.html
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: SPONSORED LINKYWOOS
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now showing on Easyjet...
>> Wazzock of the week <<
Only a complete pillock would decide to slide
down a ladder in his mum's laundry basket,
especially if the laundry basket is haphazardly
propped up against a tree. The result is
predictable but who ever said predictable isn't
funny.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/193028
>> MMORPG LOLS <<
Multiplayer games: most people play by the
rules, spoilsports hide behind a wall and snipe
their opponents, but it takes a special type of
cunt to sit on a horse and systematically kick
anyone who passes him into a deep ravine. Bonus
points for the music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Can I smell yo dick? <<
Beyond parody and possibly one of the chavviest
tracks we've ever heard. Jeremy Kyle should
abandon his rubbish lie detector tests and go
for the penis-scented jugular - "can I smell
your dick?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Riskay_Smell_Yo_Dick
>> Jacko is the Child Catcher <<
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is made even more
noncetastic by the addition of Michael Jackson's
Earth Song. BTW: Sadly cuts out before Guy
Pratt's brilliant bass work on the final chorus.
(Um. We've been reading his autobiog, and it's
highly recommended to all music nerds.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Child_Catcher
>> Creepy pencil <<
Donnie Darko so much to answer for. Art
students can't even do course work these
days without turning it into a vortex sucking
pan dimensional paedo fest. Top marks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Creepy_Pencil
>>Charlie the Unicorn is back <<
A year ago we featured the very loveable
Charlie the Unicorn. Now he's back with two
supremely irritating Cartman voiced companions
who remove an amulet from his back while he's
trying to watch the telly. Adult Swim we hope
you're reading as this is genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charlie_The_Unicorn_2:2
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring Penis User
Whoever designed the cover of this issue of
Parents Magazine might regret the placing of
mummy's head. The sticker doesn't help either.
Old, and all over the internet, but then so are
we.
http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized...
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: B3TA ON FIRE
Burn baby, burn
Many of you will have noticed that our site
was down for much of the previous week, thanks
to a fire at our service provider. It was a
right painus in the anus, we can tell you.
However, we got some lovely messages of
encouragement like this from Sheep: "Really
glad B3ta's up and running again. Slightly
soppy thanks to you (and your support people)
for still doing b3ta after all these years. I
only realised how much I enjoy and appreciate
the site when it was gone, and it was
definitely sad to have B3ta down even for a few
days."
BTW: Make sure you check out Sheep's site, he's
been brightening up our boards with his
self-starring loops since time began.
http://sheepfilms.co.uk/anims/animindex.htm
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: MESSAGE TO VICKY DARKNESS
Girlfriend, give your boy mo love!
Mike W pleads, "I write to you with what I
assume is an unusual personal request. My
wonderful girlfriend Vicky Darkness is a fan of
this website and all the random/pointless crap
it contains. And to put it bluntly, the fact
she's always on this website, it's destroying
our relationship. She has actually told me that
she prefers to have a computer than me, which
makes me feel just spiffing. So instead of my
trying and failing to get through to her myself
I figured I'd ask if you could possibly put an
eye-catching feature in your next newsletter to
give her a message... maybe saying something
about B3ta always being there but Mike (Me)
won't be."
So there you go. Phil Collins dumped his missus
by fax, and Mike W is issuing an ultimatum by
the magic of B3ta. There will be wobbling.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ronseal Plots Challenge
Last week we wanted you to do exactly what it
says on the tin.
Your favourites included:
* BINTS - Sex In The City (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8415032
* MIDGETS - Lord of the Rings (Damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414146
* CHRIST - The Bible (M3Essential)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8414194
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealplots/
>> Famous Tart Cards <<
Take a celeb, and fire up Photoshop to show us
how they would advertise their wares in a seedy
telephone box ad. Challenge suggested by The
Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/famoustartcards/
BTW: As Fraser was busy helping the police with
their enquiries last week, we didn't run the
results form the photoshop money challenge.
Winners were Spunky McPunk, WiL and tapeworm
- them and all the rest can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/photoshoppedmoney/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CYRIAK RIP OFF - Our very own photomashing
B3tard is feeling a bit peeved by a recent
McDonalds ad. Compare and contrast.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/gifs039.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DIY LION POO EXPERIMENT - Eat an entirely
meat diet for a few weeks, then see if your
shit repels cats from the garden? (Joel, this
one is for you.)
* ANSWER A B3TARD'S QUESTION! - omg_oakley asks,
"Is there such thing as a pill or some other
system to make ordinary tap water into fizzy
water?"
* COCK AND BALL QUIZ - Woking Girl coquettishly
enquires, "Have you ever played cock or ball?
It's where you show a bit of your cock or ball
over your trousers and everyone else has to
guess if its a bit of cock or ball.Good way to
pass a bank holiday. I am a girl, by the way,
I didn't take part." Nonsense, you loved it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
'Lucy Reese' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
Azra3l, Caewan and some others who we're deeply
sorry we're forgetting to mention but Dave is
on his hols and he's much better at remembering
who to credit than Rob is. Top Tippery by
Maudlin McCann. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via chenobble.
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TOP TIP:
Just the right amount of Mr Muscle in your
wife's tea allows you to satisfy your
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
I for one much prefer the Austrian version of
Big Brother.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
