NEWSLETTER: "...CHIPS IT IS THEN, SAY PORTUGUESE POLICE"
This Week:
* FOOD - The Jaffegg
* PICS - Souvenir vs. Reality
* SCIENCE - Chemistry vids!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Upset by somebody !
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on the internet?
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| DISCONNECT!"
B3ta email 338 - 25 JULY 2008 - Winchester Ed.
Read this issue with Bowser. Or Wario.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue338/
Win: [email protected]
Fail: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Amazing yawning lions
Check out this online ad for a Samsung digital
camera. It's loaded with all the worst sort of
tired advertising cliches like yawning lions,
rapping dead gazelles and bopping meercats.
Why on earth can't these marketing idiots
ever try something new?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eggs, Money and Wanks (Our life really)
>> The Jaffegg <<
A scotch egg without all the tedious white -
just a smashing orangey bit of yolk. Sickpuppy
spent an evening turning the b3ta board's dream
into a sausagey, eggy reality. They look
extremely scary.
http://snipurl.com/eggylols [www_fatuous_co_uk]
>> Coin stack challenge <<
Your bored newsletter editors spent a sunny
afternoon stacking coins in the back-garden to
see who could make a higher pile. It's tough at
the top.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/coinstackchallenge/
>> Masturbation euphemisms <<
"I've had a theory for a while that any
combination of verb and noun can be a metaphor
for masturbation," burps flatfrog. "I created
the Marvellous Masturbation Metaphor Generator
to test the theory. Conclusion: it kind of
works. Now I'm off to strap the cloth."
http://b3ta.com/links/The_marvellous_masturbation_...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Tales of the Silver Screen
Each week you tell us lies, and we stick them
online before FHM.com does.
Last week we asked you for your favourite films
and how a trip to the cinema changed your life.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/films/
* SUPERHEROES! - "When I was four, my mum took
me to the cinema to see Superman, where I sat
wiggling with excitement in my seat, unable to
contain myself. This continued right up until
Lex Luthor has Superman, weakened by
kryptonite, drowning in his swimming pool. At
which point I ran, tears streaming down my
cheeks, screaming to the front of the cinema
and yelled at the screen: 'Come on Superman,
you can do it!' to gales of laughter from the
rest of the audience. To which I responded by
having a tantrum and repeating in my snotty
high-pitched sob 'Stop laughing, stop laughing,
stop laughing!' I’m now 34 and my Mum still
tells that story to anyone she meets for the
first time. Cow." (scarpe)
* ZOMBIES! - I used to go to the flicks every
Tuesday, usually to watch terrible horror
movies. This was in the days when you'd get two
movies for your money with an intermission
between the features. So there we were, first
flick finished, the lights came up and one of
the usherettes appeared in front of the screen
to sell ice-cream. One strapping Geordie lad
bought a couple of ices and walked back to his
seat, one in each hand. Then, suddenly, from
one of the curtains covering the fire exits, a
shambling monstrosity appeared. Off-green skin
tone, ripped clothing, lots of visible
festering wounds, head to one side - the whole
zombie experience. The strapping Geordie lad,
Cornettos clutched proudly in each hand, did
what any other full-blooded Geordie would do.
He screamed like a girl and kicked the zombie
right in the knackers. It turned out that the
zombie - which hit the floor like a sack of
shit - was a member of the theatre staff who
was dressed up to promote the next week's
horror offering. (Legless)
* DINOSAURS! - The touching tale of Spielberg's
epic dino movie, a doomed stunt goat and blind
panic in the auditorium. A modern classic, and
well worth your click. (Dr Tugnut2)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/films/post203246
>> This week: Pointless Experiments <<
Come on, we've all tried to live for a week and
an all-sweetcorn and beetroot diet to see if
we'd get yellow poo and purple wee, haven't we?
Tell us how you've diced with death in the name
of science.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/experiments/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Like if Reddit only ran 6 links per week
>> Sex education <<
Apparently commissioned by the NHS, and
completely bloody brilliant.
http://www.bebooksonline.co.uk/girls_and_boys/defa...
>> Souvenir vs. reality pics <<
Simply an excellent idea - take photos holding
up postcards and tacky keepsakes, masking views
of national landmarks. Some of the buses are
particularly amusing.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/michael_hughes/sets/3...
>> Creepy Prague TV tower <<
Frighteningly reminiscent of The Tripods, this
futuristic structure looms over the Czech
skyline. But wait... what are those figures
crawling all over it? They seem to be... giant
naked babies? And a closer look? Aiee!
http://deputy-dog.com/2008/07/17/ever-seen-a-creep...
>> Rate my network diagram <<
First it was Hot or Not, then it was Rate My
Kitten... Now it seems the nerds have caught up
with the internet. Check out these highly
stimulating pics of interlinked servers.
http://www.ratemynetworkdiagram.com/
>> "You are beautiful" <<
A bunch of arty types stick styrofoam cups into
a chain link fence to spell out a positive
message, then sit back to watch. It's not long
before negative-minded passers-by muscle in on
the action, modifying the message to their own
tastes...
http://www.you-are-beautiful.com/INSTALLATIONS/cup...
>> Angry journo whine <<
Times scribe Giles Coren lays into the
newspaper's hapless sub-editors after they
changed a single letter of his submitted piece.
We are, to be honest, quite sympathetic - we'd
*hate* for anyone to meddle with our deathless
prose. But surely he could see he was laying
himself open to the ensuing 127 comments
calling him a cunt.
http://www.order-order.com/2008/07/sub-standard.ht...
>> Crank calls <<
One of the blokes behind tip-top TV lolfest
Look Around You has a new book out - and to
promote it he's been making a series of prank
phone calls. Here he is, relentlessly wasting
the time of some poor call-centre monkey at
118118.
http://www.videojug.com/film/prank-call-118-118
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby sloth
This sleepy little sloth is barely a handful of
hugs and fuzz. Oh, and it's part of a photo set
titled Tiny Animals, which looks to be a rich
vein of cuteness.
http://snipurl.com/theslothofkahn [www_flickr_com]
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Video is the new animated gif
>> Periodic table of vids <<
The periodic table of elements and a video of
experiments for each, in what seems almost a
pitch for a Top Gear of science. Check out the
professor's awesome hair!
http://www.periodicvideos.com/
>> Font conference <<
The organisation of typefaces gathers to
consider admitting Zapf Dingbats to its ranks,
but danger rears its head. Nice selection of
gags for the graphic design-inclined.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1823766
>> Oobleck <<
Like watching the dawn of life in a tray of
milk. Oobleck is, apparently, a non-Newtonian
substance made from cornstarch and water. It
goes from liquid to solid when under stress. It
certainly looks cool when put on top of a
speaker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Crazy Saudi skate stunt <<
Fucking hell. Blokes in traditional Saudi
dress, on the motorway, rollerblading while
hanging onto a car. They aren't even proper
rollerblades - they look like a sandal version
of those rolly shoes small children wear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Doctor Horrible <<
Joss Whedon's serial musical about an inept
supervillain is excellent, ticking a load of
lol boxes at B3ta Towers. Shame you can't
watch it on the official site. Still, enjoy
YouTube and, hey, buy the DVD when it comes
out, kids! (Or download it from piratebay)
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
One dick, one cock, it's the B3ta newsletter
* 'STREWTH MATE! G-Funk babbles, "I was
watching Crocodile Dundee 2 the other night.
There wasn't much else on and, to be honest,
it's not bad. However, just as I stood up to
turn off the TV, I noticed a rather strange
name in the credits."
http://www.coolsmartphone.com/images/stories/crocd...
* COCK CACTUS - from the 'things that look like
other stuff' files comes this set of succulents
that resemble schlongs. Also reminiscent of
Vagina dentata. Which is nice.
http://www.sarahillenberger.com/news_viagra.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Low budget film remakes: results!
Your favourites included:
* SEARCH FOR SPOCK - can't find him on Google,
maybe they should have Asked Jeeves? (calibrax)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8565614
* GHOST - naughty Blinky! Demi's tits are not
for spunking ectoplasm on. (Brian O'Blivion )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8566308
* MSDOS 2001 - Poor Hal, someone should have
checked config.sys for conflicting drivers.
(maximinimus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8579739
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here, or you could look at
the lowest voted if you're some kind of
masochist.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lowbudgetfilmremakes...
>> Abusive Ducks - New challenge <<
Ducks are complete shits, famous for
wife-beating and general duck abuse. Show the
world you're on to them. Blame the board for
this when - they had mini-revolt and insisted
on ducks, in some form of dirty protest.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/abusiveducks/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
ANT TRAILS - "Just read last week's newsletter
Top Tip about confusing ants by crossing their
path with chalk," explains Kaol. "They walk in
lines because they follow scent trails that
other ants have laid down. A bit like tramps
following the reek of Special Brew to find the
Cardboard City. Rubbing chalk across the line
will rub the scent trail away, so they'll get
lost and confused. To be fair, rubbing anything
across the line would do the job. Cheese, a
severed toe or even a damp sponge would work
well."
BABY TIGER - The animal in the 'T' section of
last week's featured Baby Animal Alphabet
"bears a remarkably close resemblance to Robin
Williams," observes Alcoholics Heironymous. By
crikey - so it does! Poor, furry creature...
http://dalesdesigns.net/animals/baby_tiger.jpg
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: FRIDAY GAME
Heath Robinson game
Our favourite-ever PC game was The Incredible
Machine, so quite why we didn't linky this last
week is anyone's guess, as it was all over the
interwebs and some of you wrote in to complain
about its absence. Haven't you got anything
better to do? Like eat cake?
http://fantasticcontraption.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NAZI LOLS - The Vomiting Hitchhiker shouts,
"I am thinking of starting 'International Talk
Like A Nazi Day', in the spirit of Dr
Strangelove, Springtime for Hitler, 'Allo 'Allo
etc, but I'm worried that it might still be a
bit soon. What do your readers think?"
* ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - cowjam writes, "I
want to know which is cheaper, making tea using
an electric kettle or one on the gas hob. Tea
is important, and so is money. And I can't be
arsed to work it out for myself."
* LOWEST MB SD CARD CHALLENGE - we've got one
that's 16MB can you beat that?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by thewingedcroc, The
Fretful Porpentine, Rusty, SockCooker
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
Subjectline via The Great Architect.
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TOP TIP:
Prevent your grubby work colleagues from
nicking your milk by decanting it into a soya
milk carton or bottle. No-one will touch it,
believe me. (Bad Horsey)
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SICKIPEDIA:
What was Michelle McManus' favourite musical
instrument at school? The dinner bell.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
