NEWSLETTER: "PHONING SAMARITANS AND SAYING 'TALK DIRTY ELSE I'LL KILL MYSELF'"
This Week:
* ANSWERS - Ask the internet 'Which is Gayer?'
* HI-FI - Paper plate speakers
* ANIM - Screaming, flailing machine
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shouting at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tramps... together"
B3ta email 347 - 26 Sep 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue347/
Credit: [email protected]
Debit: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in plasticine
It's that time of the year - Amnesty are doing
their big comedy event: The Secret Policeman's
Ball and your newsletter team will be in the
audience because they produced this obviously
"completely brilliant" little animation. It was
entirely filmed on our desk using some clay
from eBay and bits of decking left over from a
building a shed. Rah!
http://www.protectthehuman.com/videos/the-ball-is-...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Gayness, Dr Who, machines and meat
>> Which is gayer? <<
Props to Jon4009, who made this handy tool to
answer the age-old question by harnessing the
google pixies. "You asked for it, so here it
is," he beams. "Still trying to figure out how
to crowbar in some more pie-charts, though."
http://www.whichisgayer.com/
>> Dr Who: What are you doing here? <<
The aptly-named NoDaylight has edited together
an enormous and inexplicable montage of Doctor
Who characters asking, "What are you doing
here?" Goes from the Hartnell black-and-white
days right up to big Dave Tennant. Watching
the entire thing broke our minds to the extent
that we were completely unable to answer
questions for ten minutes or so.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Who_What_are_you_...
>> Screaming flailing machine <<
"Hello," yells Joel. "I've got a new vid this
week - for Screaming Flailing Machine. It is
our greatest work. It is our masterpiece. It is
our gift to humanity. Hooray!" Corporate
sponsors: Joel needs to make this doomsday
device for real so please send him cash.
http://rathergood.com/machine/
>> Meat <<
Celebrating tasty animal parts through the
medium of song and dance. We like koit's
little characters: almost an A-Team made of
dead pig.
http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/mea...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Food Sabotage
Last week we asked for how you'd sabotaged the
food of others for entertainment/revenge:
http://b3ta.com/questions/foodsabotage/
* QUEEF - "I have no idea why I'm making this
one public [erm, so we can send it to thousands
of people - Ed.], but I fucking love queefs. I
think they are absolutely brilliant and
hilarious and the best things in the world. So
imagine my joy when I started dating a girl who
could queef on command! When she first told me
about this, she actually demonstrated how she
can draw air into her thingywotsit. Seriously,
it looked like a gummy old man trying to
whistle. I then happen to notice an untouched
glass full of Coke on her bedside table with a
straw in it... well, I'd be crazy not to
suggest it wouldn't I? And so it came to pass
that I am lying collapsed on the floor, having
the mother of all asthma attacks from laughing
my guts out as this amazing young lady blows
bubbles in the Coke using her ladybits. And
after? She gave it to her sister, and
apologised that she'd already sipped the straw.
Her sister told her off for leaving it
'slobbery'." (badongism)
* WORM - "You can poke dry spaghetti into the
bottom of an unpeeled banana so that it slides
all the way up the inside. Leave it in the
banana overnight, and the moisture turns the
spaghetti soft-ish. Wait for your unsuspecting
housemate/family member/local greedy glutton
to start eating, and, wow! They think they've
eaten part of some crazy-ass tropical worm! Get
it right and you can tell them it was a tape
worm!" (ThornbankJim)
* THATCHER - "I rubbed my cock on Mrs T's new
spectacles, which I had just made. Not food or
tea, but I just need to tell everyone. My
life-long socialist father cried with pride
when I told him. She wore them for years too."
(BigAndyBee)
Oh, and nobody steals the lunch of the Legless:
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a398/Legless123/...
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your sexual misconceptions. Tell
Uncle B3ta all about where the bad man touched
you here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> DIY speakers <<
Fans of science know the best way of getting
great sound quality for your music is to use
solid gold cables and wooden tone knobs. But
no! There's a new player in town - making your
own speaker from the disposable plates you
might use at a child's birthday party. This is
pimping out your iPod ghetto style.
http://snurl.com/tescosvaluestereo [www_josepino_com]
>> Sane or Insane? <<
Many of us have weird little rituals that are
border-line OCD; the official B3ta wife has to
sleep on the left hand side of the bed, there's
no other option. Rate your madness here -
warning: this is engrossing stuff.
http://www.saneorinsane.com/Default.aspx
>> Silly Hats <<
Hat enthusiasts! We know the fashionati members
of B3ta never miss a chance to wear something
stupid on their heads, so next year, see if you
can outdo the ladies from Ascot. This is not a
challenge for amateurs.
http://snurl.com/twatsinhats [www_bestweekever_tv]
>> Dirty hoarder <<
Always a win, hoarders supply the best internet
content. This one scores highly for the
multiple cigarette ends.
http://www.houston-imports.com/dirty/dirty.html
>> Antique Big Mac <<
Not that we trust everything we read on the
internet, but if this is true...?! This
purports to be a 10-year-old McDonalds burger
and it hasn't decayed. Can a B3ta reader test
this? Ok we haven't got 10 years, but a couple
of weeks should tell us something.
http://snurl.com/chewy [bestwellnessconsultant_com]
>> TV theme medley <<
Nostalgia. We're forward-looking people at B3ta
Towers and we're in no way culturally trapped
in an early 90s time-warp thinking that modern
music is just bad rave with shouting on top.
Therefore we found nothing, simply nothing, to
enjoy in this chappy singing literally hundreds
of old theme tunes from kids TV.
http://www.clumsy.info/pages/medley_main.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like stop motion without the stopping
>> Rachmaninoff had big hands <<
Russian composer Sergei Rachmaninoff is famed
for having had enormous mitts and writing piano
music to match. So how do small-handed pianists
get around playing it? Here's an ingenious
solution.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rachmaninov_had_big_Hand...
>> Super-conducting maglev toy train <<
A strange air of Look Around You lingers in
this vid of a model train that eerily hovers a
significant distance above its track. So odd we
can only conclude it's witchcraft or something.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superconducting_maglev_t...
>> Little grey, fluffy clouds <<
A spoof of The Orb's Little Fluffy Clouds by,
well, The Orb and Alan Parker, Urban Warrior.
Made us laugh, then go download a ton of
Nineties music and comedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hardeep Singh Kohli v BBC Radio Brum <<
Car crash radio as the Glaswegian writer falls
foul of an unbelievable Alan Partridge-style
local radio presenter, eventually walking out.
Kohli could probably have salvaged it, but
he's clearly so irritated he just lets the
Brummie squirm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Work-safe porn <<
What could be better than porn you can watch in
the comfort of your work cubicle without fear
of your boss's raised eyebrow? Be warned,
despite the cartoon disguises this is still
clearly dirty.
http://creativity-online.com/work/view
>> Dancing Christians <<
Bunch of musical religious types show it's cool
to love Christ. Yeeha!
http://www.theway.org/Current/Mar07/Mar07Flash4.ht...
>> Weatherman blooper <<
It's the sudden off-on-off outburst that makes
this. It's like, "Hello and welcome to the
Tourettes news."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: THE INCREASINGLY INACCURALTY NAMED...
Funny Name Corner
* TWATBOOK - nope, not some lame-arse facebook
parody, but a gas industry site. (NegCheg)
http://twatbook.com/
* GOATSE ON THE UNDERGROUND - "I called up my
mate to tell him about it... Old people started
looking at me funny." (Krono6)
http://i35.tinypic.com/1zdw6rn.jpg
* HERBY CRACK - "It's worth reviving 'Funny
Names Corner' for one more week just for the
local councillor mentioned in this story"
(robertcallaghan)
http://snurl.com/herbytwats [www_yourmedway_co_uk]
* SANDY MINGES - "This reminded me of my potty
aunt; when publicly scratching an intimate
itch, she would say she had 'dirt in her eye'."
(daddypigsaw)
http://mingesrealty.com/about.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animated Emoticon Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to bring smilies
up-to-date.
Your favourites included:
* SMUG BASTARD - a b3ta favourite gets the
animated icon treatment (Bloop)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8755152
* BOTTOM - innocent smilie mutates into
dreadful shock image (madridiot)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8754904
* DICK BEATTIE - another b3ta favourite gets
the animated icon treatment (Bloop)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8755346
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smilies/
>> New challenge: Make Sci-Fi Retro <<
Steampunk Star Wars, Renaissance Robocop, Art
Deco Daleks and everything sci-fi in between.
Open up photoshop and show us the fantastical
future, yesterday. Challenge suggested by The
Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/retrosciencefiction/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOOGLE PORN GAME - You put a
seemingly-innocent word into google images and
see how many of the results are porno. "I'm
surprised nobody submitted 'kiddie' as an
unsafe Google search." ventures Grampa. "Of
course, now that I've run that query, the cops
will be busting through my door in a couple of
days."
* THE GUYS KISSING behind a TV news reporter
are Howard Stern stooges, reports US
correspondent thefoggypoo in response to a link
we ran a wee while ago. "The two lads kissing
each other are Sal Governale and Richard
Christy. One of the other staff members, Benjy
Bronk was arrested on Monday last for shouting
loudly in the background of news reports. He
normally shouts 'Ba Ba Booey' - the nickname of
show producer Gary Dell'Abbate."
* MALE TORTOISESHELL CATS exist, according to
Smoke me a kipper. Basically, he's just saying
"Ha!" to his little brother, Pyrotyger, who
took us to task last week and claimed that all
tortoiseshell cats are female. Smoke me writes,
"I draw your attention to the following paper
published in 1981 by the _Journal of Heredity_
(American Genetics Association): _XXY-trisomy
identified by banding techniques in a male
tortoiseshell cat_. Got that? MALE
TORTOISESHELL CATS! Hahaha! Haaaahahahaaaa!" On
a similar note, all completely ginger cats are
male. Females have white feet.
http://snurl.com/catpedantry [jhered_oxfordjournals_org]
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* APPLE REMOTE GUN - you know that funny little
remote control you get with Apple laptops? Can
someone program it to pretend to shoot lasers
and make bullet holes in the screen? We were
making pew-pew noises earlier this week and
thought it might briefly amuse.
* SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - davetheexplosivenewt
asks, "As a follow-up to the sellotape
cling-film - why not try sellotape condoms?
Someone out there must be willing to compare
them to normal condoms in terms of unwanted
pregnancy?"
* MAIN PAGE WIKIPEDIA CHALLENGE - johnnymrninja
blithers, "Wikipedia has a problem, in that the
'Main Page' is actually in the space where
articles go. It is not an article about
something called "Main Page". So I have devised
the simplest open-ended contest ever. The goal
is to make something called 'Main Page',
notable enough to deserve an article on
Wikipedia. This will force them to rename the
main page to something more sensible. The prize
is the above URL, and the thousands upon
thousands of incoming links that go with it.
This is the best URL on Wikipedia, and their
own naming conventions will make them give it
up. So, please take it."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ryz0r, Dr.Fun, Dr
Dee, lucasheron. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. We love b4ta.
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TOP TIP:
Security markers are great for drawing big
hairy cocks on banknotes so they show up when
put under the UV forgery-testing light. (Wurzel)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I was horrified to read about the mother who
drowned her disabled daughter in a sink. That
is NOT how you make vegetable soup.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
