we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* ANSWERS - Ask the internet 'Which is Gayer?'
* HI-FI - Paper plate speakers
* ANIM - Screaming, flailing machine

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're shouting at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      tramps... together"

B3ta email 347 - 26 Sep 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

        Credit:  [email protected]
       Debit:  [email protected]

  Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in plasticine

  It's that time of the year - Amnesty are doing
  their big comedy event: The Secret Policeman's
  Ball and your newsletter team will be in the
  audience because they produced this obviously
  "completely brilliant" little animation. It was
  entirely filmed on our desk using some clay
  from eBay and bits of decking left over from a
  building a shed. Rah!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Gayness, Dr Who, machines and meat

  >> Which is gayer? <<
  Props to Jon4009, who made this handy tool to
  answer the age-old question by harnessing the
  google pixies. "You asked for it, so here it
  is," he beams. "Still trying to figure out how
  to crowbar in some more pie-charts, though."

  >> Dr Who: What are you doing here? <<
  The aptly-named NoDaylight has edited together
  an enormous and inexplicable montage of Doctor
  Who characters asking, "What are you doing
  here?" Goes from the Hartnell black-and-white
  days right up to big Dave Tennant. Watching
  the entire thing broke our minds to the extent
  that we were completely unable to answer
  questions for ten minutes or so.

  >> Screaming flailing machine <<
  "Hello," yells Joel. "I've got a new vid this
  week - for Screaming Flailing Machine. It is
  our greatest work. It is our masterpiece. It is
  our gift to humanity. Hooray!" Corporate
  sponsors: Joel needs to make this doomsday
  device for real so please send him cash.

  >> Meat <<
  Celebrating tasty animal parts through the
  medium of song and dance. We like koit's
  little characters: almost an A-Team made of
  dead pig.


  Food Sabotage

  Last week we asked for how you'd sabotaged the
  food of others for entertainment/revenge:

  * QUEEF - "I have no idea why I'm making this
  one public [erm, so we can send it to thousands
  of people - Ed.], but I fucking love queefs. I
  think they are absolutely brilliant and
  hilarious and the best things in the world. So
  imagine my joy when I started dating a girl who
  could queef on command! When she first told me
  about this, she actually demonstrated how she
  can draw air into her thingywotsit. Seriously,
  it looked like a gummy old man trying to
  whistle. I then happen to notice an untouched
  glass full of Coke on her bedside table with a
  straw in it... well, I'd be crazy not to
  suggest it wouldn't I? And so it came to pass
  that I am lying collapsed on the floor, having
  the mother of all asthma attacks from laughing
  my guts out as this amazing young lady blows
  bubbles in the Coke using her ladybits. And
  after? She gave it to her sister, and
  apologised that she'd already sipped the straw.
  Her sister told her off for leaving it
  'slobbery'." (badongism)
  * WORM - "You can poke dry spaghetti into the
  bottom of an unpeeled banana so that it slides
  all the way up the inside. Leave it in the
  banana overnight, and the moisture turns the
  spaghetti soft-ish. Wait for your unsuspecting
  housemate/family member/local greedy glutton
  to start eating, and, wow! They think they've
  eaten part of some crazy-ass tropical worm! Get
  it right and you can tell them it was a tape
  worm!" (ThornbankJim)
  * THATCHER - "I rubbed my cock on Mrs T's new
  spectacles, which I had just made. Not food or
  tea, but I just need to tell everyone. My
  life-long socialist father cried with pride
  when I told him. She wore them for years too."
  Oh, and nobody steals the lunch of the Legless:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your sexual misconceptions. Tell
  Uncle B3ta all about where the bad man touched
  you here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> DIY speakers <<
  Fans of science know the best way of getting
  great sound quality for your music is to use
  solid gold cables and wooden tone knobs. But
  no! There's a new player in town - making your
  own speaker from the disposable plates you
  might use at a child's birthday party. This is
  pimping out your iPod ghetto style.
http://snurl.com/tescosvaluestereo  [www_josepino_com] 

  >> Sane or Insane? <<
  Many of us have weird little rituals that are
  border-line OCD; the official B3ta wife has to
  sleep on the left hand side of the bed, there's
  no other option. Rate your madness here -
  warning: this is engrossing stuff.

  >> Silly Hats <<
  Hat enthusiasts! We know the fashionati members
  of B3ta never miss a chance to wear something
  stupid on their heads, so next year, see if you
  can outdo the ladies from Ascot. This is not a
  challenge for amateurs. 
http://snurl.com/twatsinhats  [www_bestweekever_tv] 

  >> Dirty hoarder <<
  Always a win, hoarders supply the best internet
  content. This one scores highly for the
  multiple cigarette ends. 

  >> Antique Big Mac <<
  Not that we trust everything we read on the
  internet, but if this is true...?! This
  purports to be a 10-year-old McDonalds burger
  and it hasn't decayed. Can a B3ta reader test
  this? Ok we haven't got 10 years, but a couple
  of weeks should tell us something.
http://snurl.com/chewy  [bestwellnessconsultant_com] 

  >> TV theme medley <<
  Nostalgia. We're forward-looking people at B3ta
  Towers and we're in no way culturally trapped
  in an early 90s time-warp thinking that modern
  music is just bad rave with shouting on top.
  Therefore we found nothing, simply nothing, to
  enjoy in this chappy singing literally hundreds
  of old theme tunes from kids TV. 


  Like stop motion without the stopping

  >> Rachmaninoff had big hands <<
  Russian composer Sergei Rachmaninoff is famed
  for having had enormous mitts and writing piano
  music to match. So how do small-handed pianists
  get around playing it? Here's an ingenious

  >> Super-conducting maglev toy train <<
  A strange air of Look Around You lingers in
  this vid of a model train that eerily hovers a
  significant distance above its track. So odd we
  can only conclude it's witchcraft or something.

  >> Little grey, fluffy clouds <<
  A spoof of The Orb's Little Fluffy Clouds by,
  well, The Orb and Alan Parker, Urban Warrior.
  Made us laugh, then go download a ton of
  Nineties music and comedy.

  >> Hardeep Singh Kohli v BBC Radio Brum <<
  Car crash radio as the Glaswegian writer falls
  foul of an unbelievable Alan Partridge-style
  local radio presenter, eventually walking out.
  Kohli could probably have salvaged it, but
  he's clearly so irritated he just lets the
  Brummie squirm. 

  >> Work-safe porn <<
  What could be better than porn you can watch in
  the comfort of your work cubicle without fear
  of your boss's raised eyebrow? Be warned,
  despite the cartoon disguises this is still
  clearly dirty.

  >> Dancing Christians <<
  Bunch of musical religious types show it's cool
  to love Christ. Yeeha!       

  >> Weatherman blooper <<
  It's the sudden off-on-off outburst that makes
  this. It's like, "Hello and welcome to the
  Tourettes news."


  Funny Name Corner  

  * TWATBOOK - nope, not some lame-arse facebook
  parody, but a gas industry site. (NegCheg)

  * GOATSE ON THE UNDERGROUND - "I called up my
  mate to tell him about it... Old people started
  looking at me funny." (Krono6)

  * HERBY CRACK - "It's worth reviving 'Funny
  Names Corner' for one more week just for the
  local councillor mentioned in this story"
http://snurl.com/herbytwats  [www_yourmedway_co_uk] 

  * SANDY MINGES - "This reminded me of my potty
  aunt; when publicly scratching an intimate
  itch, she would say she had 'dirt in her eye'."


  Results from the Animated Emoticon Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to bring smilies

  Your favourites included:
  * SMUG BASTARD - a b3ta favourite gets the
  animated icon treatment (Bloop)

  * BOTTOM - innocent smilie mutates into
  dreadful shock image (madridiot)

  * DICK BEATTIE - another b3ta favourite gets
  the animated icon treatment (Bloop)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Make Sci-Fi Retro <<
  Steampunk Star Wars, Renaissance Robocop, Art
  Deco Daleks and everything sci-fi in between.
  Open up photoshop and show us the fantastical
  future, yesterday. Challenge suggested by The
  Great Architect.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOOGLE PORN GAME - You put a
  seemingly-innocent word into google images and
  see how many of the results are porno. "I'm
  surprised nobody submitted 'kiddie' as an
  unsafe Google search." ventures Grampa. "Of
  course, now that I've run that query, the cops
  will be busting through my door in a couple of

  * THE GUYS KISSING behind a TV news reporter
  are Howard Stern stooges, reports US
  correspondent thefoggypoo in response to a link
  we ran a wee while ago. "The two lads kissing
  each other are Sal Governale and Richard
  Christy. One of the other staff members, Benjy
  Bronk was arrested on Monday last for shouting
  loudly in the background of news reports. He
  normally shouts 'Ba Ba Booey' - the nickname of
  show producer Gary Dell'Abbate."

  * MALE TORTOISESHELL CATS exist, according to
  Smoke me a kipper. Basically, he's just saying
  "Ha!" to his little brother, Pyrotyger, who
  took us to task last week and claimed that all
  tortoiseshell cats are female. Smoke me writes,
  "I draw your attention to the following paper
  published in 1981 by the _Journal of Heredity_
  (American Genetics Association): _XXY-trisomy
  identified by banding techniques in a male
  tortoiseshell cat_. Got that? MALE
  TORTOISESHELL CATS! Hahaha! Haaaahahahaaaa!" On
  a similar note, all completely ginger cats are
  male. Females have white feet.
http://snurl.com/catpedantry  [jhered_oxfordjournals_org] 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * APPLE REMOTE GUN - you know that funny little
  remote control you get with Apple laptops? Can
  someone program it to pretend to shoot lasers
  and make bullet holes in the screen? We were
  making pew-pew noises earlier this week and
  thought it might briefly amuse.

  * SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - davetheexplosivenewt
  asks, "As a follow-up to the sellotape
  cling-film - why not try sellotape condoms? 
  Someone out there must be willing to compare
  them to normal condoms in terms of unwanted

  blithers, "Wikipedia has a problem, in that the
  'Main Page' is actually in the space where
  articles go. It is not an article about
  something called "Main Page". So I have devised
  the simplest open-ended contest ever. The goal
  is to make something called 'Main Page',
  notable enough to deserve an article on
  Wikipedia. This will force them to rename the
  main page to something more sensible. The prize
  is the above URL, and the thousands upon
  thousands of incoming links that go with it.
  This is the best URL on Wikipedia, and their
  own naming conventions will make them give it
  up. So, please take it."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Ryz0r, Dr.Fun, Dr
  Dee, lucasheron. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. We love b4ta.

  Security markers are great for drawing big
  hairy cocks on banknotes so they show up when
  put under the UV forgery-testing light. (Wurzel)



  I was horrified to read about the mother who
  drowned her disabled daughter in a sink. That
  is NOT how you make vegetable soup.

next issue »
« previous issue