NEWSLETTER: "TONY HART CAN'T MASTURBATE NO MORE *CRIES*"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Cheer up Tony Hart
* BANKING - LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland
* WEEBL - Cat Face returns and poos everywhere
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 348 - 3 Oct 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue348/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Comedy podcasts
Amnesty's famous Secret Policeman’s Ball is
back on Saturday 4th October! Go to our site
for exclusive podcasts from the likes of Robin
Ince and David Baddiel. See it live at a cinema
near you and go backstage with our live blogger.
http://www.protectthehuman.com/ball
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense and pillockry
>> LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland <<
LloydsTSB/HBOS's new site is up and running, we
see. "Howard is back," chirps mischievous
Smurph, "And he seems to be having issues with
the Lloyds horse."
http://lloydshalifaxtrusteesavingsbankofscotland.c...
>> Star Wars remastered scene <<
The Force is strong with young Monty Props, who
has massively improved this classic scene from
Empire Strikes Back. Look out! It's a trap!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Guess_whos_coming_to_din...
>> Happy birthday <<
"We made this jolly greeting for an ecards
thing," brag an enthusiastic Rob and Dave.
"Unfortunately, the client didn't feel that
jokes about anal buggery were quite the thing
for the target audience. However, we hope
you'll love it and give it a place in your
heart."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Happy_Birthday:2
>> Cat face shits <<
"Cat Face needs to do a toilet," implores Jonti
Picking, and apparently he's going to do it
now, all over your internet.
http://weebls-stuff.com/catface/cat+face+10
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: ANOTHER AMNESTY PLUG
What should they ask the stars?
A couple of the Ball team will be in the thick
of it, stuffing their camera and microphone
right in shiny celebrities’ faces. What would
you like them to say on your behalf? Graham
Norton, Izzard, Mitchell & Webb and even Gok
Wan are there to answer your questions.
http://blogs.amnesty.org.uk/blogs_entry.asp
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Recession Blocker <<
Tired of reading all the doom and gloom of the
credit crunch. Keep your own consumer
confidence high with this handy site, which
acts as a filter, blocking any crash-related
words from appearing. Ignorance is bliss, after
all.
http://www.recessionblocker.com/
>> Optical illusions illustrated <<
Excellent use of flash on this interesting blog
that demonstrates a variety of optical
illusions.
http://www.illusionsciences.com/
>> Magazine says politicians = dogs? <<
Nice find - Nature magazine back cover weirdly
mirrors the front.
http://b3ta.com/links/Nature_Magazine_goes_to_the_...
>> Google 2001 <<
Ye olde version of internet search shows the
internet as it used to be. B3ta gets 104 links,
entirely through hacker 1337 5p33k.
http://www.google.com/search2001.html
>> Cow Lady runs wild <<
Drunken woman terrorises her neighbourhood
while dressed as a cow. We could say that it's
udderly ridiculous. Oh god, we have.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/09...
>> The 'Silent Duck' <<
Ah, the images that you find on wikipedia. This
hand gesture is a treat, particularly when you
read about the context when it's, apparently,
used.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Silentduck.jpg
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Harry Hill! We've done your research! Now pay us!
>> Sliding cats <<
Ah magical Chariots of Fire theme, such is your
power you can lend dignity to anything. Even
cats falling on their arses on a
highly-polished floor. Even that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Miss Piggy: Fuck the Pain Away <<
Muppet diva covers the Peaches classic. Well
ok, it's a redub. Still it's a win.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "How is babby formed?" <<
Yahoo Answers is a repository of mankind's
collected wisdom. This animation briefly shows
some of the brains behind such classic threads
as "How is babby formed?" Seems to get funnier
each time it loops.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_is_babby_formed
>> Dildo shown on news <<
Perfect comic timing as the reporter remains
blissfully unaware of the enormous wobbling
dildo being carried out of the house behind his
back.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dildo_shown_on_live_news
>> Star Trek 'outtakes' <<
Clips from Trek with peculiar and surreal
dialogue dubbed on to synch with the lip
movements. Very odd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Outtakes_Volum...
>> The Assumption Song <<
Animated video on the classic theme of
frustrating your expectations of a dirty rhyme.
Also, damn you Newgrounds, why you gotta make-a
us open a new window every time, eh? Whassa
matter with you?
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/460854
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Sexual Misconceptions
Last week we asked for all the things you'd
misunderstood about sex. Luckily, Chart Cat's
story of accidental felching is too long for
this newsletter, but you can read it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/
* FONDLY FONDUE DO - "When I was younger, my
parents used to throw a huge costume party
about once a year. A hundred or so of their
friends dressed in ridiculous outfits would
invade the house, while all the kids were shut
in a bedroom to watch videos and get utterly
buzzed on soft drinks. When I was about nine or
ten, the APs were discussing the theme for
their next bash. I'd been reading Asterix in
Switzerland. This featured a Roman official who
periodically throws large parties for all his
Roman buddies, except they aren't called
parties - they're called orgies. Of course,
since Asterix is a book for kiddies, these
'orgies' don't actually feature any sex - just
drinking and music and, because it's set in
Switzerland, fondue. My parents owned a fondue
set! So, armed with my misconception, I walked
up to my parents and suggested that for their
next party they could invite all their friends
over for an orgy. It was another six years
before I figured out why they both went bright
crimson and stifled laughs. I didn't get it at
the time. After all, who doesn't love fondue?"
(oball)
* BLOODY BABIES - "When I was but a wee lad I
assumed that whenever a lady hurt herself and
screamed in pain, a baby came out. I don't
think this is completely screwy logic - I'd
seen women giving birth in soap operas and I
concluded that pain = childbirth, not the other
way around. One afternoon my Mum fell down the
stairs picking me up from infant school. I came
out of class to see her in a heap at the bottom
of the stairs, screaming in pain, rather
bloodied up and surrounded by people. My
response? 'Noooo! I don't want another
brother!'" (badongism)
* SECRET SCRUBBER - "I was 12 or so when my
best friend told me that it was the sensation
of a woman's pubes rubbing against your cock
that made you jizz. And that's why I spent at
least an hour sitting in the bathroom rubbing
my bell-end raw with a toothbrush. It didn't
work. To my eternal shame, it was my sister's
toothbrush... which I guiltlessly placed back
on the sink after giving up." (DickieDoesDallas)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear about the nicest things that
people have ever done with you. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nicethings/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Recycling jokes before it was fashionable
>> Metal cockage <<
Unfortunately-placed artwork on the side of a
van. Quick "hee hee looks like a willy"
photography by Pter. Well spotted!
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j25/pternz/misc/...
>> Sausagey cockage <<
Poor sausage vendors; what they're selling
looks enough like a knob. There's no need to
ram the point home quite so enthusiastically
with the logo, is there? Cheers son_of_crazymum.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3157/2894943440_0cc...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge
Last week we wanted yo to make the future
into the past.
Your favourites included:
* RE-TRON - it's difficult to imagine
a Penny Farthing coping with those
right-angle corners (The Great Architect)
http://b3ta.com/board/8776823
* AMERICAN GOTHIC - updated with added
Darth Maul (prodigy69)
http://b3ta.com/board/8775304
* TURNER - rare work from the romantic
English landscapist. With bonus AT-ATs
(hYpe)
http://b3ta.com/board/8788721
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/retrosciencefiction/
>> New challenge: Cheer Up Tony Hart <<
The great Tony Hart has had to give up
drawing after two strokes, poor chap.
Let's cheer him up with a "Gallery"-themed
compo. Challenge suggested by Parmesan.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tonyhart/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOOGLE SEARCH GAME - Major props to Owen
Sanity who points out "The phrase 'Safe Search'
really isn't."
http://images.google.co.uk/images
* MOVIE DURATIONS as a function of time. A
while back we asked "are films getting longer?"
Jodrell has applied computer science to the
problem, analysing enormous amounts of data
from the IMDB. The answer, in short, is "yes".
Here are some graphs:
http://jodrell.net/journal/article/k2rr44.html
* WIKIPEDIA SABOTAGE by godspants made it into
the hallowed pages of Private Eye. You may
recall he hoodwinked the Daily Mirror's sports
journalist with spurious facts about Cypriot
football team Omonia Nicosia. As the Eye notes,
according to the rules of wikipedia these are
now true, having been published in a verifiable
source.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/godspants_made_it_into_p...
* SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - "made me remember that
'Durex' used to be a generic term for sticky
tape in Australia," confides beetlehead. "A
factoid that always makes me smile."
* GINGER CATS are not all male, according to
griff220. "I have a female cat who is ALL
ginger," he protests, "with not even a spot of
white on her let alone her legs. Yes she is a
freak, but she fits in so we keep her. She's
called Wilma and is 17. Bye." Hmm.
* SAMARITANS PEEPS have been in touch about our
newsletter title "Phoning Samaritans and saying
'Talk dirty or I'll kill myself'".
"As the Head Outreach bod of an unnamed branch
of the Samaritans in the South West (the bit
between Cornwall and Zomerzet), I'd like to
correct your assumptions in the title line of
your otherwise excellent newsyletter.
1) All sex calls are ended immediately (by us,
you dirty f*ckers!).
2) We don't stop people from committing
suicide. Not even if you're in the process
while on the phone (and it happens).
Self determination is and always has been one
of the major policies of the Samaritans. So
funny as the suggestion is (and believe me, no
one has ever tried saying that before!), it is
also utterly wrong."
We stand very well corrected. Ta.
* 1996 BIG MAC - gronkpan chimes in with
"McDonalds really do use a fuckload of
preservatives. When I was fresh out of school I
shared a flat with a guy that had been working
there for a few years, and had put a burger bun
on top of the fridge during his first week
there.
"When he quit it was three years old and he
brought it home to show off. It was a little
bit stale (just on the outside, the middle of
the bun was still soft) but other than that it
seemed fresh. There wasn't a speck of mould on
it. We fed it to some seagulls who gobbled it
down.
"That being said, the lady in the article you
posted makes some pretty wild claims. There's
plenty of food value (too much if anything) and
I'm pretty sure Mcdonalds aren't cloning
hamburgers." Ah more fool you, dear gronkpan.
For you will be FIRST AGAINST THE WALL when
their mighty CLONED BURGER ARMY rises to crush
the world of man. Oh yes.
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: FRIDAY GAME
The return of...
"Why no weekly game for the last few weeks?"
implores stripeertw. "I live for the weekly
game. Please don't expect me to get through my
week to finally arrive at a Friday, getting
home to find my weekly game fix is just not
there." Thank goodness that this week Niklas
has sent us something nice. Swing the wrecking
ball to fend off hostile blue squares. Fucking
blue squares. Always looking to start
something, aren't they?
http://www.lofiminds.com/blog/static.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAILY MAIL SOFT PORN WATCH BLOG - mock the
Mail AND look at porn - double win. Really, the
website is stuffed with soft porn. Today alone,
we have Lily Cole in Playboy, a shot of Liz
Hurley's crotch and Kelly Brook in a
"tight-fitting fishtail skirt suit and
Christian Louboutin heels."
* SHITTING CHALLENGE - phantomjack asks, "My
mate Kev ate two $2 coins for a laugh and they
are still in the bottom of the toilet bowl - a
tarnished black colour. What could the B3tans
eat and shit back out?"
* GUN CHALLENGE - stripeertw suggests,
"Airports, upon being asked 'anything to
declare?' I dare someone say 'Nothing too
dangerous, just these' and present both hands
in a gun shape and then make a 'pew pew
pew"'noise to go with it. A final flourish of
blowing smoke from the ends of the fingers
would finish it off perfectly.'
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Credits are short because we're rubbish.
Subjlol via Jeccy.
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SICKIPEDIA:
My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get
rid of her love handles. I said she would look
fucking stupid without any ears.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
