NEWSLETTER: "BURN CALORIES - SET A FATTY ON FIRE"
* BAM! - It's butter AND jam!
* CHALLENGE - Make B3ta Xmas cards
* FOODY BOLLOCKS - Cooking with toasters
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're rimming the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 356 - 28 Nov 2008
Also available as a "web page"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue356/
Winners: [email protected]
Sinners: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than collecting belly-button fluff
>> Katie Melua vs rats <<
Hearing that Katie Melua has rats in her mind
and prawns in her ears (yuk) is far more
interesting than her twee (and probably wildly
inaccurate) claim that there are nine million
bicycles in Beijing. Squidboot's frankly
fantastic lyrics make even more sense when you
look at the slightly constipated look on Ms
Melua's pert little face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bam! <<
These plucky students could teach the admen a
thing or two. Namely that the only good ad ever
made was for Cillit Bang (big up to Barry
Scott) and that they all should basically be the
same. (Thanks Mattlees)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Calling all ladies: this man needs rescuing <<
We enjoyed teamfishcake's ode to the joys of
the TV dinner tray - a handy household product
if ever there was one. However, we do feel a
little unsettled by the life depicted in the
video. This poor bloke needs a good woman.
There's so much love in his heart and it's a
shame to waste it on a lump of plastic.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/articles/TV_Tray_Lov...
>> Album cover mimes <<
We once told an irritating Parisian mime to
"bog off" so we always get a frisson of
pleasure when we see chaps of this type. Quite
frankly the game is a bit beyond us but we love
the peculiar impulse that spurred Kill5 to
produce it. And those shiny black leotards are
to die for.
http://snurl.com/retards-in-leotards
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: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Popbitch annual
Readers from the very early days of B3ta will
know our long association with Popbitch.
Basically, not to pretend otherwise, we used to
work at a magazine company with the bloke who
started it. Best memory? Staying up all night
helping them write a special edition that
didn't bother with any gossip and was filled
with crap monkey jokes instead. Anyway. They've
now done a book; the theory being it'll be a
good gift for someone in your life who likes
pop gossip. Or knitting patterns for otters.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184605382...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Family Rituals
Last week we asked for the little things your
family does that make no sense to anyone else.
It's a wonder these people can breed outside
their close-knit circles of madness:
http://b3ta.com/questions/familycodes/
* HO JOKE - "Every stripper scene in a movie;
Every time a woman kicked ass and took names
on TV, posing afterward covered in blood with
bosom heaving; Every cheap and tawdry sex scene
in some back alley, motel room or prostitute
laden opium house... My father would say,
"And that boys, was how I met your mother."
(Allisade)
* CEREAL KILLER - "I used to lay down in the CHAIR
OF TERROR (tm) where our friendly Dr. De'Ath
would say "Aaaaaah, Weetabix/Frosties/Alpen
this morning young Prescott". I was regularly
amazed that he knew what brand of cereal I had
even though I had brushed hard and it was 4pm.
Fast forward. Same dentist, my kids. He asks
me what they had. And I tell him."
(prescottsflu)
* PRINCESS TOADSTOOL - "Whenever my girlfriend
is cooking something with mushrooms, and we
take out a mushroom from the 'work in progress'
to taste it, you must make the Mario power-up
mushroom noise. If it tastes really good, run
around the kitchen singing the "bonus level"
music."
(gordonjcp)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your most cringe-worthy moments.
GordonJCP's is above, tell us yours here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cringe/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Google racism! <<
It's easy to feign surprise that Google
autocompletes reveal a lot of racist questions.
Er, but hang on, it's us (us meaning you) that
make them. We also suggest trying searches on
the French, the Japanese and the Germans - the
main question that emerges about our sausage
loving neighbours is "why do Germans love David
Hasslehoff?"
http://snurl.com/google-hates-you
>> Gay-tabases <<
Whatever your thoughts on the pros and cons of
gay marriage, spare a thought for the poor
database engineer who has to re-jig a load of
standard forms to recognise that two men (or
two ladies) can live together in wedded bliss.
This is a bit geeky, but we liked it.
http://qntm.org/
>> Second-hand cheese <<
"I work for an Oxfam bookshop," squeaks Doctor
Butcher, "and recently one of our volunteers
bought in a piece of cheese that appears to
have the face of Greek god Zeus in the mould.
We decided to do the only thing such a miracle
deserves, and eBay the sucker. I was wondering
if you could possibly feature the auction in
your newsletter? All proceeds of the auction go
to Oxfam." Oh, ok then. Although why not cut
out the middleman and send the cheese to the
starving children of Africa?
http://tinyurl.com/5wd7r7
>> Cooking with spunk <<
We're big fans of spunk at B3ta Towers and were
therefore delighted to see a cookbook extolling
its many nutritious qualities. A truly seminal
work.
http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212
>> Bacon ice cream <<
Fatties the world over will be licking their
chubby chops when they clock this recipe for
bacon ice cream. We think it sounds pretty rank
but then we have strange food issues and could
have a whole series of Freaky Eaters to
ourselves. Next week: sausage cupcakes.
http://snurl.com/beercanbacon
>> Charlie Says <<
We love bitter and twisted TV genius Charlie
Brooker (probably because we're mildly envious
of him) and think his word is law. So we liked
this, even though there is more than a whiff of
scary fan art about it.
http://charlian.dracos.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
We're backing betamax
>> Ross Kemp on Gangs<<
This says everything we've ever wanted to about
Ross's slightly silly Sky One series. The high
pitched, Welsh voiceover is pure genius.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Freestlye rap battle translated <<
A treat for both rap fans and rap hatas, this
pretty much does what it says on the tin.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Freestlye_Rap_Battle_Tra...
>> Chicken head thingie <<
Who'd have thought you could have so much fun
with a chicken? This has a slight redneck
quality to it, but because the science is
solid, we can't totally mock it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chicken_head_tracking_DD
>> Sweaty Shatner <<
Anything with Shatner in it always raises a
cheap laugh with us and this is no exception.
He brings new layers (or should that be slices)
of meaning to the word "hammy".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Shatner_Reaction_to_new_...
>> Choose your own adventure YOUTUBE stylee <<
Following in the illustrious footsteps of the
"Warlock of Firetop Mountain", this video asks
the viewer to choose their own ending. If you
enjoyed this game, please turn to issue 357
next week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Kill us now. No more please
* GOATSE MACHINE - "A truck used as a snow
cannon at the Budapest airport" informs
goldenAXE.
http://m.blog.hu/be/belsoseg/image/unimogtali08/un...
* MMM... GOATSE - "Saw this at my local
Portuguese restaurant", drools Johan, "Don't
think I'll be ordering that in a hurry."
http://snurl.com/in-a-stew
* BET HE WAS BULLIED AT SCHOOL - Arnon Shimoni
points out this unfortunate name.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandeep_Dikshit
* TAKE A RIDE ON MY PENIS - "I love roller
coasters", trills Nick Tropy, "and here's a
nice little phallic logo for you that I found
at the Roller Coaster DataBase."
http://rcdb.com/
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: COOKING WITH TOASTERS
Only the finest features for the b3ta table
Last week we casually mentioned cooking other
things than bread with your toaster. Little did
we know that you're all at it, you cooker-less
studenty scummers.
YOUR TIPS:
* "Generally veggie burgers give best results."
(Vipros)
* "Don't try cooking burgers in a toaster. My
friend did this in the halls of residence at
Coventry University about 12/13 years ago after
coming home drunk. The alarms went off and the
fire brigade came and evacuated the building.
All 15 floors or so at 3 in the morning."
(crazyjude)
* "If you line the inside of the toaster with
tinfoil, you can in fact bake individual slices
of bread in a toaster. Works better if you
break the little thing that makes the toast pop
back up so you can time it yourself. Really you
can make just about anything that is prepared
in an oven, just flat and very tiny. I
recommend cookies and baked potatoes." (mprtech)
* "Turn toaster 90deg so it's on its side, so
the bread lays flat" (minimart)
* "Potato waffles in a toaster, fresh or
frozen, it is marvellous"(Greg)
* "Findus Crispy Pancake tip - the key is to
let them defrost fully first, either in the
microwave or at ambient temperature (unless you
like your FCP's with a 'surprise' nugget of
frozen brown goo inside - not actually that
bad, kind of like a gravy-based reverse baked
alaska. Num)." (Muffrat)
* "A general rule of thumb - if its covered in
crispy crumbs and is thinner than ten
beermats, defrost slightly and toast away."
(Muffrat)
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: SPACE HIJACKERS PLEA
Invade TopShop
Robin from Spacehijackers asks -
"I know it's not particularly web geeky so may
not qualify for the newsletter, however I
thought I'd drop you a line about our latest
project anyway. I know lots of B3ta types have
been coming along to our events for years so it
may appeal."
"The Space Hijackers are organising a special
TopShop SwapShop in the Oxford Street flagship
store this weekend."
"Simply turn up at TOPSHOP on Oxford Street
wearing an outfit you wish to upgrade, then on
the stroke of 2, marvel as hundreds of fashion
moguls offer to trade your clothes with you."
"2pm Sat 29th November – Topshop Oxford Street"
http://www.spacehijackers.org/html/welcome.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Recreating Album Covers Challenge
Last week we asked you to spurn photoshop and
re-make album covers using the power of art.
You did us fucking proud. You basically rocked
this challenge like a fucking horse.
Your favourites included:
* Beck's Odelay, recreated with a kitchen mop.
(Dog Horse)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8954506
* Primal Scream's Screamadelica as a tasty cheese
and tomato dish. (i_yam_bucket)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8960252
* Bob Marley's Legend from a biscuit. (q4nobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8959851
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recreatedalbums/popu...
>> New challenge: B3ta Christmas cards <<
Hoping that you'll make some stuff we can send
to everyone we dislike (and that's a lot of
people) we're asking you to make our Xmas cards
this year. Get to it kids.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmascards/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* LEGO GARDEN SHED FAIL - "You asked for a
garden shed made of Lego", bleats Numma
Supplies, "We tried and failed, mainly due to
lack of funds. Lego, as a construction
material, is surprisingly more expensive than
concrete or bricks per square metre."
http://shacklemore.blogspot.com/2008/11/build-hous...
* DATE RAPE WIKI LOLS - "I wish I could take
responsibility for having done this", moans
mrmajorisin85, "The Wikipedia article on date
rape comes under 2 categories: rape and dating.
I knew I wasn't the only one who saw it that
way."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape
* STEPHEN FRY SAYS HELLO - Last week we
featured Wordbombs video starring the Fry, who
got in touch to say, "You!! Why I oughter... V
funny. Only objection the number of people
who've tweeted me the URL. Damned smart tho:
compliment -( I think?) x. Stephen Fry." Mr
Wordbomb was dreadfully pleased about this and
has been skipping about all week.
* MORE PISS JUG STUFF - mrdirtylegs trickles,
"In newsletter 355 you passed on Ruddles'
kitchen jug tip for measuring piss. Well,
that's just not good enough. I piss my best
when out drinking, and almost never have a
kitchen jug with me. The logical method for
quantifying piss would be to pick up all the
empty pint glasses on the table, and take them
with you to the loo. Line them up, either in a
long urinal or perhaps against a wall, then
pass your water into the glasses. This method
would make for easy calculation of a
beer-in:wee-out ratio."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Energy bouncing
Our abilities to describe flash games decrease
as the years go by. Um, there's this whitish
stuff that's a bit like water, and you position
some thingies to make it bounce to the end bit.
You'll like it.
http://www.playauditorium.com/#index
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DAILYMAIL COMMENT DRINKING GAME
... 1 drink for "I demand we boycott them"
anytime a corporation makes a simple error
...1 drink for "This country has gone to the
dogs. Get out now before it's too late" from
an ex-pat
...1 drink for "More evidence of what Nu
Labour has done to this country"
* WHICH KIND OF MOTHER/SON RELATIONSHIP DO YOU
HAVE QUIZ
...Dot Cotton and Nasty Nick (Just another
cup of bleach tea ma)
...Norman Bates and Norma Bates (Murderous
tranny obsessed with dead mum)
...Peg and Noel & Liam Gallagher (Council mum
who'd give her kids a clip round the ear but
do anything for them)
* DURAN DURAN SONG PARODIES
"My tummy is growly and I'm seeing red.
Like wolves getting angry when they're not
being fed
do do do do DO DO
My insides are hollow I'm in a malaise
But I've got a spoon and a jar of mayonnaise
do do do do DO DO etc"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by DrPoppers, geekcat,
mvilrokx, lesbilicious, Boxy8su Top Tippery by
bugger it kev. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Well not this week
as he was in Iceland eating a puffin. The
economic issues means tourism is dirt cheap and
puffin is just as tasty as it ever was. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
If you are doing fuck all at work, but surf the
internet make sure you print off a page of
something resembling work every now and again.
Leave this on the printer so when a colleague
prints something they'll see your stuff and ask
who's it is and you can claim it and pretend
you were so busy you forgot to collect it.
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SICKIPEDIA:
"Is the cup half full, or half empty?"
For fuck's sake just buy the bra, Kylie.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
