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This Week:
* VID - Hitler BNP tantrum
* SONG - Perverts on the Internet
* ESCAPE - Penguin v whales

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 355 - 21 NOV 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

       Yes:  [email protected]
         No:  [email protected]

  How are your man-hunting skills?

  From Monday 17 November LiveGuy will be
  travelling through 11 cities with his netbook,
  leaving clues to his whereabouts live online.
  Find him and win his Dell Inspiron Mini 9
  netbook with built-in mobile broadband from
  Vodafone. Good luck. You’ll need it.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Hitler, Perverts and Pirates

  >> Hitler's leaked BNP membership <<
  Shit hits the fan in the Fuhrerbunker when
  Hitler finds out that the BNP membership list
  has been posted over the internet. Much kudos
  to qwghlm for a great bit of rewriting and

  >> Perverts on the Internet <<
  Kunt and the Gang sing the plight of many randy
  young chaps trying to pull via teh interwebs.
  Disturbing mask of Kunt's mum.

  >> Somalian Pirates <<
  A rare venture into topical commentary from
  Jonti and Wonchop, with a peculiar take on
  recent events in Somalia. Is there no event so
  bad it can't be lightened with cheery Northern



  We are lazy bastards here at B3ta and this
  question was only asked to make us feel better.
  Go read tales on laziness here, especially
  BOATongism's creepy tale at number 1:

  * SPERM - "My girlfriend wants to have my baby.
  Yay! She's had a few problems with her lovely
  lady bits and so I have had to have a few tests
  carried out too to make sure I'm firing on all
  cylinders. General health assessment - check.
  Blood tests - check. Semen count - err, well, I
  actually kept putting that off. Not because I
  have a problem about wanking in public places,
  it's more because the doctors gave me a number
  of a clinic on Euston Road to phone and sort
  out my own appointment. This was back in early
  September. I only got round to ringing them
  last week. I was supposed to go down there
  today armed with a fresh batch of my man juice
  for them to count, quaff, whatever they do with
  it. I slept in. Got up late. Quickly knocked
  one out. (You're not allowed to cum for three
  days before giving them your best dairy
  produce, so it didn't take too long), and then
  legged it down to the tube with my man juice in
  a little container under my arm so I wouldn't
  miss my appointment. I made the appointment -
  just - at ten thirty... Only my specimen
  didn't... If you happen to be on the Northern
  Line, High Barnet branch today and see a small
  container containing what looks like spunk,
  well, yes, it is actually spunk..."
  * ELOPED - "Several decades ago, I got married.
  Since we were living far away from family, and
  couldn't afford a big deal wedding, we simply
  visited the local Judge one day. We were going
  to call the folks that night, and tell everyone
  what we'd done, but it slipped our minds. The
  next day she thought I would call, I thought
  she would call, so neither of us called. We
  decided that it was not appropriate to say "We
  got married the day before yesterday" via a
  phone call. So, we planned a trip home the next
  weekend, when we would tell everyone. Things
  came up, and we couldn't make the trip. Before
  we knew it, we were a month married, and nobody
  except our local friends knew. We went home at
  Christmas with great resolve, but both families
  were so unkind to 'that person you're living
  with', that we chickened out. Next we decided
  to actually have the big deal wedding, on or
  about our anniversary. Unfortunately, neither
  of us spent much time planning or arranging the
  event - so it simply didn't happen. We finally
  told them on our first anniversary: "Mom, Dad -
  we're married." "Oh, no!" "This is a -
  surprise." "-----!" "What? When did that
  happen?" "Um, we got married last year. Today
  is our first anniversary." I don't recommend
  eloping for a full year. It doesn't ingratiate
  you with anyone, really. Plus, no wedding
  gifts. Still, it's been 30 years, so we must
  have done something right." (danalan)
  * SHIT - "I came upstairs because I needed a
  shit. It was 7.30pm. I noticed Mrs Norris had
  left the PC on in the spare room. I thought
  "Ooh, I haven't read qotw on B3ta for ages,
  I'll have a quick look." It's 11.20pm. I still
  need a shit." (Soapy Norris)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to know all about your family codes
  and rituals. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Let me google that for you <<
  Who hasn't been on a messageboard and seen
  someone ask a really simple question that would
  have taken more time to post than it would to
  simply google in the first place? Help is at
  hand with this fantastic new Patronise 2.0

  >> How young are your ears? <<
  Teenagers - like bats - communicate in
  frequencies too high-pitched for grown-ups to
  hear. Find out if your ears are young enough to
  enjoy Emo, sniffing glue and fingering in this
  rather neat collection of piercing frequencies. 
http://snurl.com/we-are-ears-older  [journal_plasticmind_com] 

  >> Tattoo fails <<
  Seeing as we have nothing positive to say on
  the subject, here's three tattoo-themed jokes
  to get you in the mood for looking at some of
  the worst body art ever:
  * My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell
  on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it,
  I swear you can smell the ocean.
  * Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I
  want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock". "You'd
  be better off with a Land Rover" replies the
  tattooist, "It won't get stuck in the shit".
  * Fashions come and go, I know. But don't you
  think it a bit odd you never see Jewish people
  with those trendy little number tattoos on
  their wrists these days?

  >> Random recipe generator <<
  Don't know what to cook and fancy trying
  something new? Extra credit to anyone who
  actually follows any of the recipes this site
  comes up with and provides documentary evidence
  of themselves eating it. We genuinely lolled.

  >> Betting on real world events <<
  The interesting thing about betting is that it
  reveals predictive information. Say most people
  are betting a win for Arsenal then there's a
  good chance they will win. What betting shops
  don't tell you though, is how other people are
  betting. This all changes here. Fascinating,
  and potentially disruptive stuff. Even if it is
  all for fun and not cash.

  >> 25 Websites that became books <<
  We're only linking this for the vague
  irritation that it doesn't include any UK sites
  which have taken this path. We could do an
  answer article with Nicecupoftea, Kittenwar,
  B3ta (yay!), Law of the Playground etc but we
  simply can't be arsed. Maybe you can? Stick in
  a fuckload of amazon affiliates and you'll make
  a couple of hundred quid probably.
http://snurl.com/yanky-book-twats  [www_avclub_com] 

  >> Congratulations to the happy couple <<
  "I finally did it, married my girlfriend of 5
  years. She means the world to me, I can't
  believe what a lucky guy I am. I never thought
  I would find true love, but now that I have my
  life is complete. Here are the pictures from
  our ceremony." We're saying nothing.
http://snurl.com/talk-board-wedding  [www_sherdog_net] 

  >> 118 118 live feed <<
  You can now text 118 with questions and they'll
  reply back, the interesting bit is watching
  what people ask. The really interesting bit is
  that we tested the service with the ego-led
  question "who is rob manuel?" And got back an
  unattributed cut-and-paste from Wikipedia.
  Which, we suspect, if you can be arsed to cause
  some trouble, COULD cause them some trouble.


  Stuff not ripped from textfiles.com

  >> Penguin escapes orcas <<
  A boatload of tourists get front row seats as a
  wily penguin confounds the entire pod of killer
  whales pursuing him.  
http://snurl.com/p-p-p-pickupapengiun  [www_b3ta_com] 

  >> Candle project <<
  Step-by-step instructions to build a simple,
  little toy from just a tealight and a length of
  copper tubing. Excellent.

  >> Cat + robot cleaner <<
  Looking like a feline equivalent of the Mekon,
  a surprisingly serene cat sits atop one of
  those automatic vacuum cleaner jobbies as it
  spins and whirls around the carpet.

  >> Stupid exercise machine <<
  Investor video for a fitness device so oddly
  misguided it beggars belief. There is such a
  thing as thinking too far outside the box. A
  treadmill that - get this - moves along as you


  Double shaft rollover week, bonus balls

  * MORE COCK LOGOS - "thought you might like
  this logo I saw while driving yesterday" (The
http://snurl.com/lol-penis  [s35_photobucket_com] 

  * SHADOW PENIS - "My cock-fixated girlfriend
  snapped this glorious array of todgers made of
  pure sunlight at Westminster Bridge, London."



  Results from the Daily Mail Challenge

  Last week we gave you three words: The Daily

  Your favourites included:
  * EXPRESS - rather brilliant exposé on the
  science of headline creation (zeltergiset)

  * SITH - sometimes, the foreigners are from
  further away than usual (plentyofants)

  * DOG - how the papers see the news differently

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Recreating Albums <<
  Using just what you have about you, recreate
  your favourite album cover. Photoshopping album
  covers doesn't count.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  Pigeon: "Loved guessing the number 1s of the
  80's last week, but it took half an hour to
  listen to and had loads of lyrics in that gave
  the game away. To make amends I have created a
  perfectly sequenced 80's quiz using musical
  bits only (no lyrics) which will only take 5
  minutes to listen to, but might just keep you
  wondering about for hours." If you get all 36
  you are officially old/sad/musically
  well-informed (delete as applicable)

  * SPIDER vs. BANK INTERVIEW - A Perth newspaper
  caught up with the bloke who tried to pay off
  his overdraft with a sketch of a spider, as
  featured an issue or two ago. Thanks to ex-pat
  Pat for the link to a nice little interview.

  * "WE FOUND A TROLL" LIES! - As many of you
  pointed out, last week's QOTW story of
  drug-addled revellers was, and is, a great big
  urban legend. "It's Snopetastic," said

  * TOILET PISS MEASURER - We demanded a way of
  telling just how huge our mighty pisses really
  are. "The easy way to do this is to piss into a
  kitchen measuring jug," informs Ruddles. "I can
  tell you that a normal piss is about a pint.
  Remember to wash the jug afterwards." Or
  Madonna will be round, licking the inside of it.


  Mental cooking thing

  "PETA have apparently lost their minds and made
  a parody of a game called Cooking Mama for the
  DS.", writes n.d.turton, "They were upset with
  the fact that it features too much meat, so
  they made an ironic version which called
  'Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals'. I think
  they intended it to be shocking, but it's
  actually rather cool and I imagine much better
  than the original."

  BTW: We've stuck up an archive of all the old
  Friday Games. Thanks Cr3 for coding that for
  us. Woo hoo.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  hamburger? A Findus Crispy Pancake? A very thin
  calzone pizza? 

  * MAKE YOUR OWN GLUE - glue's traditionally
  made from horses. Can you make adhesive from
  the dead birds your cat brings in?

  * OPIUM HONEY - feed your bees pollen from the
  heroin poppies and make some Honey Nut Smack. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  Sherman, Panzer IV, and the Churchill Crocodile
  which threw flames! How cool is that? This
  issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Lord Gnome.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Barbarossa.

  We were saddened to hear the news of Baby P's
  death. 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy' was one of the
  best dance music singles of the 90s.

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