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This Week:
* BAD TRANNIES - Don't blame us
* CREDIT CRUNCH - Your experiences 
* NERD JOKES - How many do you understand?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're hurting our selves  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | today, to see if we can   
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| still feel... together"

B3ta email 362 - 23 Jan 2009

Read this issue in your browser:

        Obama:  [email protected]
       Bush:  [email protected]

  Bad trannies, Scrambled egg and Sushi

  >> TV Fail <<
  We've been gawping, gobstruck at this for some
  time now. Favus has gathered the web's gammiest
  old trannies and tranny admirers, then
  captioned them with their own words. " I trawl
  through all this stuff so you don't have to,"
  he explains.

  >> Washing machine cookery <<
  Brave Tom Scott continues to push back the
  boundaries of appropriate appliances to use in
  food perparation. Will his post-wash scrambled
  egg and mulled wine party be a success?

  >> Meat sushi <<
  Reasoning that popular fast food sushi is
  basically rice and raw fish, Cheffervescence
  figured a reasonable subsitute would be mash
  and uncooked, bleeding beef. Yuk.

  >> Pornotron <<
  Type in a search term and Sn0tters' pornotron
  will search google images with safe search both
  on and then off. Then it shows you only the
  pics that dirty google pornbots try to keep for


  Fitting in

  Last week we asked how much you bend to peer
  pressure. We've picked three short funnies for
  the newsletter, but it is so worth clicking to
  find out how 'spankyhanky' got his username:

  * MOCKNEY TWAT: "I panic when I have to talk to
  anyone that doesn't work in an office,
  particularly tradespeople. For some reason I
  change my normal accent (something between
  Boris Johnson and Oscar Wilde) for an Essex
  Cockney effort - "Blaady freezin' innit?" - to
  demonstrate that I am just like them, and could
  probably fit the kitchen/clean the
  chimney/attach a shelf myself if I wasn't so
  damned busy duckin' and divin' makin' a few
  quid here and there. This came undone the other
  day when someone came round to fix the boiler
  and I accidentally got the wrong voice and
  spoke in Australian. "Hi, I've come to look at
  the boiler". "Noice one! Cam on in, mate! Can I
  getcha a cap of tea?" Even in my own ears it
  sounded bad, but I had to keep it up as it was
  too late to change back to my normal voice. "Oi
  dunno mate, it just sorrta stopped wurkin'!" I
  was almost crying with relief by the time he
  left. He probably was too." (browser)
  * MMM, NATURAL FIBRES: "When I was a 15 in '84,
  my first girlfriend lived 12 miles away. There
  was only one bus a day and that was at 7am, so
  I had to cycle. But, how to cycle 12 miles in
  the 28 degree summer heat, and still look like
  a New Romantic when I got there? With my
  limited funds, the nearest I'd got to looking
  like Simon Le Bon was to purchase an army
  surplus tunic, made of that green horsehair
  shit. Looked cool, I thought, as long as no one
  noticed the sweat patches on my back and
  armpits. This left me with the final issue of
  hair. Nowadays my hair has a slight wave; not
  curly enough to look after itself, but just
  enough life to sentence me to daily hairwashing
  or having a special-needs hairstyle. Aged 15
  though, my hair was full Duran length, and the
  slightest puff of wind would send it into a
  sort of demented furball, which, given my
  weekly quest of getting closer to my
  girlfriend's fanny, simply wouldn't do. The
  solution? Simple. I'm sat here 25 years on,
  still cringing at the thought that I used to
  ride down the main road every Saturday, in
  soaring temperatures, wearing that fucking
  tunic and a matching green wool balaclava.
  Never did get any further than her tits."
  * MMM, RIPSTOP NYLON: "Much worse than
  bullying; no one made me do it. I thought it
  looked cool and wanted to join in. I bought and
  wore a shell suit. I hang my head in shame.
  Expensive, designer shame." (Porkylips)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to know how the credit crunch has
  affected you. Did you score a bargain in
  Woolworths? Meet someone nice in the queue to
  withdraw your 10p from Northern Rock? 


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Credit cards do not accept penises <<
  Bored chap notices you don't have to write your
  signature perfectly on those credit card
  checking machines. So he decides to see how far
  he can push things...

  >> Rockstars and their parents. <<
  A series of 10 photos of famous 1970s
  singers/musicians and their folks. Our
  favourite would be Ritchie Havens here. Check
  out where his mum's hand is - and his dad's

  >> Interview with an Adware author <<
  Fascinating talk with a programmer who
  describes the path that led to his writing evil
  crap that tries to burrow into your computer
  and suck out its life.

  >> Pet hair sweaters <<
  You know those couples who dress identically,
  and how freakishly twee that looks? Now you can
  get the same effect when walking the dog.

  >> Useless superpowers <<
  Comics always feature the lucky guys who got
  the good powers. But what are the chances
  you'll end with a useful one - or taht you'll
  end up like these guys.

  >> Hacked road sign <<
  You must never, ever tamper with the electronic
  information signs they often have by the side
  of the road. But here's how to do it.

  >> Games on film and TV <<
  Picture gallery of computer games and consoles
  featured, however briefly, in films or on TV
  shows. Should not be as nerdily enjoyable as it


  Like Sky Plus but with less chavs

  >> Songsmith Roxanne <<  
  Microsoft's backing track software has really
  been let off the leash recently, with a bunch
  of classic tracks getting the 'treatment'. We
  were particularly tickled by the way it's
  butchered Sting.

  >> End of the world <<
  Pink Floyd provides the soundtrack for what
  might happen on the earth's collision with a
  giant asteroid that has a penchant for your
  dad's music collection.

  >> Youtube Street Fighter <<
  Video-and-figurine-based recreation of the
  classic fight game. You trigger special moves
  by clicking on the annotations - clever stuff!

 >> 'The slingshot man' <<
 Simple country gentleman who just happens to be
 a deadly aim with a slingshot. Seriously
 impressive - they should ban those things.


  Semen, penises and minges

  * FUNNY URL CORNER? - "ate this last night,
  really enjoyed it until i read the address."

  * ONE NIGHT IN MONGKOK - "Ha ha, you mentioned
  Mongkok in the newsletter and there's a film I
  I've had on DVD for a while now that's
  comedicly titled One Night In Mongkok." (13ffx)

  the sales team who placed this. (Supergyrations)


  How many do you understand?

  * F(x)= sin(x) walks into a restaurant and
  orders some soup.  The waiter replies, "Sorry
  but we don't cater for functions here."

  * I have a complex relationship with my
  girlfriend. I'm Real, and she's Imaginary...

  * What's got feathers and goes "Pieces of
  seven, pieces of seven?" A parroty error.

  * An infinite number of mathematicians go into
  a bar. One asks for a pint of beer, the next
  asks for a half. The third asks for a quarter
  of a pint, and the fourth asks for an eighth of
  a pint. The barman pours two pints and says
  "Just sort it out among yourselves".

  * Two kittens are on a roof but both of the are
  sliding down. which one falls off first? The
  one with the greatest mew.
  * Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because
  they can't C sharp.

  * Why do programmers get Halloween and
  Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

  * Two atoms are shooting the shit one day
    ATOM 1: Mate, I think I've lost an electron.
    ATOM 2: Are you sure?
    ATOM 1: Yep, I'm positive.

  * What is the contour interval around western
  Europe? Zero because all the Poles are in
  eastern Europe.

  * Some people think the glass is half empty.
  Some people think the glass is half full.
  Database admins think the glass is twice the
  size it needs to be.

  * Your mother is so fat she sat on a Binary
  Tree and turned it into a linked list in real

  * Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub. The
  landlord says "I can serve *you*..." (points at
  the first), "but not *you*..." (points at the
  second). "Why not?" - "Because you're barred."

  Scoring! If you understand X jokes then you =

  x=0:      Our mum
  x=1..3:   Our dad
  x=4..6:   Carol Vorderman
  x=7..9:   John Tickle 
  x=10..12: Steve Wozniak


  Completely fucking useless shit

  Last week was a rewrite of the famous Irish
  inventions jokes, rewritten of course, so that
  the micks don't dump a load of tarmac in our

  Our favourites included:
  * SPHYHOLE DARTBOARD - although you might feel
  a bit of a prick using it. (Last Night A DJ
  Killed My Dog )

  * FRENCH / BINARY DICTIONARY - a two-bit idea
  if we've ever heard of one. (monekeon)

  * FIRE ALARM WITH SNOOZE - better than those
  adverts with Julie Walters that make us feel
  dreadfully guilty, then of course, do fuck all.

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: caricatures <<
  Wikipedia defines caricature as something that,
  "exaggerates or distorts the essence of a
  person or thing to create an easily
  identifiable visual likeness." So pick a man or
  woman distinguished in Art, Letters, Science or
  Politics, and draw them, photoshop them or
  maybe use some plasticine. Fucking hell. It's
  art time init.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * IS IT GOING TO RAIN TODAY? -  We asked and
  jon4009 has delivered. A website that clearly
  tells you that YES it will rain today or NO it
  will not (via a quick query of the weather

 petitions don't work, but I'm going to try again
 anyway," says Happytoast. In honour of kids' TV
 hero Tony Hart, he wants a room in the National
 Gallery set aside to carry on the great man's
 legacy of educating and inspiring the children
 of the UK in art and media.

  * WHAT DAY IS CHALLENGE MEH - "None of them got
  it right", writes Canerbry, "I receive the
  newsletter somewhere around 3am on a Saturday
  morning here in New Zealand. The failure of all
  of the submissions to consider where in the
  world the page is being viewed is disappoint,
  but bloody typical of you backward northern
  hemisphere types. I will sit refreshing the
  page every hour until the screen turns to
  Saturday which will probably be around
  lunchtime, by which time I will have had a full
  half of Saturday where you poor folks will have
  had to wait. Kudos to matthewkimberly, who got
  it closest by proclaiming 'Probably Friday.'"

  * BLOGGIE AWARDS - "You know that What B3ta
  people have been making this week section",
  asks Scary Duck, "Does my site getting
  nominated for the 2009 Bloggie awards count?
  eh? EH? YES, I am letting this go to my head.
  Free beer, money and sex for every vote."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GAME OVER ARCHIVE - make a lovely Flickr set
  of computer game end screens. Our fave? The big
  boot in Manic Miner of course.

  * KHA(aX)RN MAHCINE - you know that graph that
  showed the number of google hits for how many
  a's are in Khaaaaaaan? Write some code that
  allows you to type any word in and specifiy the
  repeating element and return a lovely graph.
  E.g. Woo (36m), Wooo (5.7m), Woooo (2.2m),
  Wooooo(1.3m) etc.

  * GAFFA TAPE WAXING - how much body hair can you
  remove from your body only using the awesome
  power of gaffa tape?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by brainburger,
  Darklord, Marc B, beaverwastemanagement, and
  PaulGadd.  Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Geek jokes via DukeEuphoria
  biscuitbiscuit, sabre-tooth monkey, donkiddick,
  tjosas, RichieM, Rcantwell and KittyWaste, Le
  Branleur Formidable Newsletter subjlol via A


  B3ta members! Stuck for funny one liners to add
  to our top tips section? Simply steal them from
  Viz's excellent book.



  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are
  a paedophile, but you just haven't met the
  right child yet?

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