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This Week:
* TOY -  Kh(aX)n Machine serves YOU
* VEITCH - Gas mask pervert shock
* POINTLESS HEADLINE - ex-pat sex-rat wrecks flat

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "We're serving our
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |        lizard overlords
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         ...together"

B3ta e-fax 363 - 30 Jan 2009

Tweet this issue in your Facebook daddio:

        Sub Sub:  [email protected]
    The Doves:  [email protected]

  Viral Video Chart

  Want to know what's a hit or what's shit in the
  world of viral video? Maybe you work in
  advertising? Or maybe you've got some kind of
  compulsive disorder that makes you care about
  the clickthrus of agency campaigns? Whatever
  the weather, you'll go hell for leather for the
  Viral Video Chart. This week featuring an
  advert for Malibu, but if you click around a
  bit you can find the awesome Cadburys Eyebrows
  thing and other stuff that keeps 30-something
  men in skinny jeans.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Other than pretending to have quims

  >> Gas mask <<
  Joel's wheelings and dealings in the
  international arms trade have paid off this
  week. He's landed some awesome Soviet nuclear
  gasmasks and turned them into nightmare kazoos.
  The final performance is genuinely odd.

  >> Chin review <<
  The intellectual sorts of the Chin Review take
  on Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species.
  Mostly, we enjoyed weareace's attempts at not
  giggling and having to reshoot.

  >> Ninja school <<
  The Brothers Mcleod proudly present their
  inexplicable ninja school-based animation Fuggy

  >> The Kh(aX)n Machine <<
  "Khaaan!" as William Shatner so memorably
  screamed. Or was it "Khaan?" A wee while ago we
  were wondering what other words are commonly
  overextended for dramatic effect and how long
  for. It just wouldn't do to misspell "Pleeeease
  noooo!". Anyway, b3tard area has built a clever
  thing that makes graphs of just exactly that.


  We interrupt this advertising for a special

  darlo_russ pleads, "My girlfriend left me a few
  weeks ago. We'd been going out for 2 years. One
  of the first ever conversations we had was
  about B3ta and in particular the front page
  image of 'Super Mario Bank.' Anyway I know this
  request probably wont achieve anything but i
  was wondering if you could put the following
  message in tomorrow's newsletter. I know she
  still reads it every week and it would mean the
  world to me if you could help me get the
  message across to her. In fact, if you include
  the below text in this Friday's newsletter I
  will donate £10 of my own money to the site.
  Think of it as a paid advertisement if you must.

  "Ariana Preston, Please get back with Russ. he
  loves you and he misses you. Plus who else
  would use B3ta to beg for you back?"


  The Credit Crunch

  We wanted to know how the credit crunch was
  affecting you. Yes, you:

  * OWN GOAL - "I love my Saturday football fix
  but am unable to afford Southend's 25 quid, so
  I've started to walk down to my local
  non-league team. A few weeks ago, I was
  standing about 10 yards to the side goal, on a
  slope, as the away team came towards me. The
  forward lined up a shot that he couldn't miss.
  Except, being a shite non-league footballer, he
  missed by about 10 yards. It took me a second
  to realise I was about to get smacked square in
  the face by the ball, but I just about bent
  over in time... Only to see the ball cannon
  straight into the face of the 10 year old boy
  standing behind me up the slope, forcing his
  hot dog so far into his mouth that Linda
  Lovelace would've been proud. I didn't mean to
  laugh while he bawled his eyes out. And I
  didn't expect to be too scared to go back to
  the ground after his Dad told me he didn't want
  to see my 'fucking face' there again. It's
  difficult to hide at a non league football
  ground. I now need something else cheap to do
  on Saturday afternoons." (scarpe)
  * WOOLIES - "When it was announced that
  Woolworths was going toes-up, overnight my
  local branch became a dumping ground for all
  the old crap that no other branch had ever
  managed to shift. Someone, somewhere in a
  warehouse far far away obviously thought, "Sod
  it, we're going under, let's just ship all
  these boxes of shit out and see what sells".
  Consequently, my local branch became a one-stop
  shop for: Diet Irn-Bru; a whole rack of actual
  VHS videos; several hundred 'Worth It' toilet
  seats. Strangest of all was the sudden arrival
  of about a thousand 'Worth It' ironing boards.
  One aisle was filled with the bloody things
  until the last day, when it was 80% off
  everything. Only the offer of an ironing board
  for 50p could trigger that involuntary reaction
  amongst the over-60s, compelling them to buy.
  They flew off the shelves, filling the High
  Street with pensioners clutching 'Worth It'
  ironing boards under their arms. So, for all
  the bad things about Woolworths going under,
  one positive did come out of it. For one day
  only, walking up the High Street felt like
  being in a care-home production of Point
  Break." (costas)
  * CATS - "Interesting times: Living in a semi
  bankrupt country (Iceland) - Check. Lost my job
  - Check. Stomach ulcer - Check. This all
  happening in the most depressing time of year -
  Check. Thinking you might have to eat your cat
  to survive - Check. The good news? I have two
  cats." (snordfjord)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your best school stories. You
  remember school - that place where you learnt
  to speel. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Voice drawing <<
  Neat web-based drawing tool. Raise or lower
  your voice to influence the direction of the
  line. Or put some of your favourite music/TV
  shows through it.

  >> iPhoto recognises cats <<
  The latest whizzy bit of Apple software rather
  alarmingly includes face recognition to help
  organise your pics. Turns out it works on cats
  too. But not dogs - how racist!

  >> Virgin complaint letter <<
  Unappetising airline meal dissected verbally in
  an excellent letter from a disgruntled airline

  >> Seriously weird magazine covers <<
  Peculiar covers from 1960s French satirical
  publication Hari Kiri. The government wound up
  banning it - and from this it's no surprise.
  NSFW, in the sense that a lot of it's filth.

  >> Bloke who looks like a thumb <<
  Or perhaps a thumb in front of the lens that
  looks like a bloke. This image is inexplicably
  turning up in all sorts of places this week.
  Something to do with Stephen Fry and Twitter or

  >> Hospital food revealed <<
  Disgusting pics smuggled out of US hospital
  canteen. Fortunately for us, British hospital
  food is healthful and delicious, like the
  Whittington's Snickers muffins.


  Like an old Video iPod minus scrollwheel

  >> Sleepy stop-motion <<
  Lovely animated music video, about a girl who
  seems to be an exceptionally restless sleeper.
  And a duvet burrower.

  >> Four Chords, 36 Songs <<
  There are only so many pleasing combinations of
  chords, so conceivably we could one day run out
  of new tunes. Hence this clever demonstration
  of the awesome power of E, B, C#m and A.

  >> Literal 'Under the Bridge' <<
  The literal video lyrics guys turn their
  attentions to pompous rock wrinklies, Red Hot
  Chilli Peppers.

  >> Rat loves cat <<
  Your stomach with churn at this hideous
  upending of the natural order. A cuddly cat who
  is friends with a fluffy rat. Will the horror
  never cease?


  Actually contains a funny name for once

  * SAY IT OUT LOUD - "Speaking of poorly-named
  doctors...", writes Dave, "I pity my mate Kira,
  who had the job of phoning the place to check
  if the details we had on file were correct
  without sounding like she was taking the piss."

  looks like a penis", writes pete.cheyne, "It's
  most pleasing."


  Please, no more, our funny bone can't take it

  * Pope John Paul II was flying back to Rome,
  when both the engines failed. Captain: Your
  holiness, we're going to crash, you must do
  something Pope: There is nothing I can do; I am
  a simple pole in a complex plane.

  * ERRATA: At least 20 of you wrote in similar
  messages to Sentynel, "Do we get bonus points
  on the nerd jokes section for spotting that the
  kitten with the greatest mew/mu falls off last,
  not first? (sorry, I'm a physicist)." Which is
  obviously the problem of running nerd jokes, we
  need a science editor as our Grade C at GCSE
  physics just won't cut it.

  * ERRATA 2: Only one of you, barry.rowlingson,
  spotted this though, "I not only scored 12 on
  your Nerd Joke quiz, but I also spotted the
  deliberate mistake. It should be 'contour
  integral', not 'contour interval'. [That joke
  was actually published: Renteln, P. and Dundes,
  A. "Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk
  Humor." Notices Amer. Math. Soc. 52, 24-34,
  2005.]" Oooh, square brackets! Fancy!


  Results from the Caricatures Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to exaggerate people.

  Your favourites included:
  * BORIS - the financial collapse hits London's
  Olympic plans (Tart Monkey)

  * POLICE - keeping the kids happy as the
  recession bites (monkeon)

  * GLASSES - nice tribute to the four-eyed
  famous. And Patrick Moore (Wildyles)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Protecting America <<
  The US are moving their London embassy to
  Battersea. It's likely to have a 30m exclusion
  zone around it and "look like a fortress" to
  stop people blowing it up. Show us how it
  SHOULD be defended.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GAME ENDINGS - gronkpan blithers, "I just
  noticed your request for video-game endings in
  the newsletter - I posted this on /links a
  while back but it was grossly
  under-appreciated. I hope that this is an
  opportunity for vindication."

  * COMPARE THE MEERCAT - people have been asking
  us about this advert recently and saying, "It's
  dreadfully b3taish isn't it?" So we were happy
  they are obviously quite aware of us and got in
  touch to say, "Hello Internet peoples! Please
  be kind for help remove confusion between mine
  website www.comparethemeercat.com and
  www.comparethemarket.com. I compare meercats,
  not the hatchbacks insurances. Thanksing you.
  Aleksandr." We are amused - it's a cute ad.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  you're oblivious and walk about town. Record
  people's reactions.

  * GUESS THE AGE OF MY TITS.COM - hundreds of
  photos of breasts, can you guess the owner's
  age? Prompted by recent comment from a doctor
  friend of ours who said, "I've seen fantastic
  tits on a patient of sixty that you would not

  * DIY RENNIES - can you cure indigestion with
  Polos and some chalk?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Puerile Digital
  Arts Community, rollthetroll, Kushan, Rob T
  Firefly, intesvensk, NoSoup4U, nowimboard
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  subjlol via Joe Scaramanga.

  My wife came home from work crying yesterday
  and asked me to console her. So I hit her over
  the head with my X-box.

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