NEWSLETTER: "CLOSING DOWN SALE: ALL LINKS 50% LESS FUNNY"
This Week:
* TOY - Kh(aX)n Machine serves YOU
* VEITCH - Gas mask pervert shock
* POINTLESS HEADLINE - ex-pat sex-rat wrecks flat
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're serving our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | lizard overlords
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta e-fax 363 - 30 Jan 2009
Tweet this issue in your Facebook daddio:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue363/
Sub Sub: [email protected]
The Doves: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Viral Video Chart
Want to know what's a hit or what's shit in the
world of viral video? Maybe you work in
advertising? Or maybe you've got some kind of
compulsive disorder that makes you care about
the clickthrus of agency campaigns? Whatever
the weather, you'll go hell for leather for the
Viral Video Chart. This week featuring an
advert for Malibu, but if you click around a
bit you can find the awesome Cadburys Eyebrows
thing and other stuff that keeps 30-something
men in skinny jeans.
http://www.viralvideochart.com/b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than pretending to have quims
>> Gas mask <<
Joel's wheelings and dealings in the
international arms trade have paid off this
week. He's landed some awesome Soviet nuclear
gasmasks and turned them into nightmare kazoos.
The final performance is genuinely odd.
http://rathergood.com/gas_mask
>> Chin review <<
The intellectual sorts of the Chin Review take
on Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species.
Mostly, we enjoyed weareace's attempts at not
giggling and having to reshoot.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Chin_Review
>> Ninja school <<
The Brothers Mcleod proudly present their
inexplicable ninja school-based animation Fuggy
Fuggy.
http://uk.youtube.com/user/brothermcleod
>> The Kh(aX)n Machine <<
"Khaaan!" as William Shatner so memorably
screamed. Or was it "Khaan?" A wee while ago we
were wondering what other words are commonly
overextended for dramatic effect and how long
for. It just wouldn't do to misspell "Pleeeease
noooo!". Anyway, b3tard area has built a clever
thing that makes graphs of just exactly that.
Awesome!
http://www.idefex.net/b3takhan/
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We interrupt this advertising for a special
message:
darlo_russ pleads, "My girlfriend left me a few
weeks ago. We'd been going out for 2 years. One
of the first ever conversations we had was
about B3ta and in particular the front page
image of 'Super Mario Bank.' Anyway I know this
request probably wont achieve anything but i
was wondering if you could put the following
message in tomorrow's newsletter. I know she
still reads it every week and it would mean the
world to me if you could help me get the
message across to her. In fact, if you include
the below text in this Friday's newsletter I
will donate £10 of my own money to the site.
Think of it as a paid advertisement if you must.
"Ariana Preston, Please get back with Russ. he
loves you and he misses you. Plus who else
would use B3ta to beg for you back?"
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Credit Crunch
We wanted to know how the credit crunch was
affecting you. Yes, you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/creditcrunch/
* OWN GOAL - "I love my Saturday football fix
but am unable to afford Southend's 25 quid, so
I've started to walk down to my local
non-league team. A few weeks ago, I was
standing about 10 yards to the side goal, on a
slope, as the away team came towards me. The
forward lined up a shot that he couldn't miss.
Except, being a shite non-league footballer, he
missed by about 10 yards. It took me a second
to realise I was about to get smacked square in
the face by the ball, but I just about bent
over in time... Only to see the ball cannon
straight into the face of the 10 year old boy
standing behind me up the slope, forcing his
hot dog so far into his mouth that Linda
Lovelace would've been proud. I didn't mean to
laugh while he bawled his eyes out. And I
didn't expect to be too scared to go back to
the ground after his Dad told me he didn't want
to see my 'fucking face' there again. It's
difficult to hide at a non league football
ground. I now need something else cheap to do
on Saturday afternoons." (scarpe)
* WOOLIES - "When it was announced that
Woolworths was going toes-up, overnight my
local branch became a dumping ground for all
the old crap that no other branch had ever
managed to shift. Someone, somewhere in a
warehouse far far away obviously thought, "Sod
it, we're going under, let's just ship all
these boxes of shit out and see what sells".
Consequently, my local branch became a one-stop
shop for: Diet Irn-Bru; a whole rack of actual
VHS videos; several hundred 'Worth It' toilet
seats. Strangest of all was the sudden arrival
of about a thousand 'Worth It' ironing boards.
One aisle was filled with the bloody things
until the last day, when it was 80% off
everything. Only the offer of an ironing board
for 50p could trigger that involuntary reaction
amongst the over-60s, compelling them to buy.
They flew off the shelves, filling the High
Street with pensioners clutching 'Worth It'
ironing boards under their arms. So, for all
the bad things about Woolworths going under,
one positive did come out of it. For one day
only, walking up the High Street felt like
being in a care-home production of Point
Break." (costas)
* CATS - "Interesting times: Living in a semi
bankrupt country (Iceland) - Check. Lost my job
- Check. Stomach ulcer - Check. This all
happening in the most depressing time of year -
Check. Thinking you might have to eat your cat
to survive - Check. The good news? I have two
cats." (snordfjord)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your best school stories. You
remember school - that place where you learnt
to speel. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Voice drawing <<
Neat web-based drawing tool. Raise or lower
your voice to influence the direction of the
line. Or put some of your favourite music/TV
shows through it.
http://www.zefrank.com/zesblog/archives/2009/01/wa...
>> iPhoto recognises cats <<
The latest whizzy bit of Apple software rather
alarmingly includes face recognition to help
organise your pics. Turns out it works on cats
too. But not dogs - how racist!
http://snurl.com/cat-scan-for-steve-jobs
>> Virgin complaint letter <<
Unappetising airline meal dissected verbally in
an excellent letter from a disgruntled airline
passenger.
http://snurl.com/yaddayadda
>> Seriously weird magazine covers <<
Peculiar covers from 1960s French satirical
publication Hari Kiri. The government wound up
banning it - and from this it's no surprise.
NSFW, in the sense that a lot of it's filth.
http://flabbergastedly.com/
>> Bloke who looks like a thumb <<
Or perhaps a thumb in front of the lens that
looks like a bloke. This image is inexplicably
turning up in all sorts of places this week.
Something to do with Stephen Fry and Twitter or
something.
http://thumbman.net/
>> Hospital food revealed <<
Disgusting pics smuggled out of US hospital
canteen. Fortunately for us, British hospital
food is healthful and delicious, like the
Whittington's Snickers muffins.
http://hospital-chow.livejournal.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like an old Video iPod minus scrollwheel
>> Sleepy stop-motion <<
Lovely animated music video, about a girl who
seems to be an exceptionally restless sleeper.
And a duvet burrower.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Her_Morning_Elegance_Ore...
>> Four Chords, 36 Songs <<
There are only so many pleasing combinations of
chords, so conceivably we could one day run out
of new tunes. Hence this clever demonstration
of the awesome power of E, B, C#m and A.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Four_Chords_36_Songs
>> Literal 'Under the Bridge' <<
The literal video lyrics guys turn their
attentions to pompous rock wrinklies, Red Hot
Chilli Peppers.
http://snurl.com/and-for-our-next-trick
>> Rat loves cat <<
Your stomach with churn at this hideous
upending of the natural order. A cuddly cat who
is friends with a fluffy rat. Will the horror
never cease?
http://www.youtube.com/user/chibudgielvr
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Actually contains a funny name for once
* SAY IT OUT LOUD - "Speaking of poorly-named
doctors...", writes Dave, "I pity my mate Kira,
who had the job of phoning the place to check
if the details we had on file were correct
without sounding like she was taking the piss."
http://www.vitals.com/doctors/Dr_Jack_Kanoff.html
* CASH FOR COCKS EBAY SCANDAL - "eBay's coins
looks like a penis", writes pete.cheyne, "It's
most pleasing."
http://snurl.com/ebay-cock-explosion
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: NERD JOKES
Please, no more, our funny bone can't take it
* Pope John Paul II was flying back to Rome,
when both the engines failed. Captain: Your
holiness, we're going to crash, you must do
something Pope: There is nothing I can do; I am
a simple pole in a complex plane.
* ERRATA: At least 20 of you wrote in similar
messages to Sentynel, "Do we get bonus points
on the nerd jokes section for spotting that the
kitten with the greatest mew/mu falls off last,
not first? (sorry, I'm a physicist)." Which is
obviously the problem of running nerd jokes, we
need a science editor as our Grade C at GCSE
physics just won't cut it.
* ERRATA 2: Only one of you, barry.rowlingson,
spotted this though, "I not only scored 12 on
your Nerd Joke quiz, but I also spotted the
deliberate mistake. It should be 'contour
integral', not 'contour interval'. [That joke
was actually published: Renteln, P. and Dundes,
A. "Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk
Humor." Notices Amer. Math. Soc. 52, 24-34,
2005.]" Oooh, square brackets! Fancy!
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Caricatures Challenge
Last week we wanted you to exaggerate people.
Your favourites included:
* BORIS - the financial collapse hits London's
Olympic plans (Tart Monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9133801
* POLICE - keeping the kids happy as the
recession bites (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9135776
* GLASSES - nice tribute to the four-eyed
famous. And Patrick Moore (Wildyles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9121022
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/caricatures/
>> New challenge: Protecting America <<
The US are moving their London embassy to
Battersea. It's likely to have a 30m exclusion
zone around it and "look like a fortress" to
stop people blowing it up. Show us how it
SHOULD be defended.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/americanembassy/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GAME ENDINGS - gronkpan blithers, "I just
noticed your request for video-game endings in
the newsletter - I posted this on /links a
while back but it was grossly
under-appreciated. I hope that this is an
opportunity for vindication."
http://www.vgmuseum.com/end/zx/
* COMPARE THE MEERCAT - people have been asking
us about this advert recently and saying, "It's
dreadfully b3taish isn't it?" So we were happy
they are obviously quite aware of us and got in
touch to say, "Hello Internet peoples! Please
be kind for help remove confusion between mine
website www.comparethemeercat.com and
www.comparethemarket.com. I compare meercats,
not the hatchbacks insurances. Thanksing you.
Aleksandr." We are amused - it's a cute ad.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WRITE "TWAT" ON YOUR HEAD BACKWARDS - pretend
you're oblivious and walk about town. Record
people's reactions.
* GUESS THE AGE OF MY TITS.COM - hundreds of
photos of breasts, can you guess the owner's
age? Prompted by recent comment from a doctor
friend of ours who said, "I've seen fantastic
tits on a patient of sixty that you would not
believe."
* DIY RENNIES - can you cure indigestion with
Polos and some chalk?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Puerile Digital
Arts Community, rollthetroll, Kushan, Rob T
Firefly, intesvensk, NoSoup4U, nowimboard
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
subjlol via Joe Scaramanga.
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SICKIPEDIA:
My wife came home from work crying yesterday
and asked me to console her. So I hit her over
the head with my X-box.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
