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This Week:
* PROPOSAL - Marry a B3ta lady!
* ANIM - Kitten warfare
* QUESTION - Worst flatmates

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |       "We're not really
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       saving the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       very much TBH"

B3ta email 367 - 27 Feb 2009

Load this issue on your Amstrad iPhone

         Kylie:  [email protected]
       Danii:  [email protected]

  Shaun Ryder Jigsaw
  "Son, I'm 40, I only went with yer mam coz I'm
  portly." Who can forget the great lyrics of
  Shaun "X" Ryder? Celebrate your Madchester youth
  with this lovingly handmade jigsaw of the Happy
  Mondays head-honcho looking a bit fat and
  sweaty on stage.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Kitten war, Graybloke Facebloke, Narwhals and Marriage

  >> Kitten War <<
  "I've got a real epic this week," beams a proud
  Joel Veitch. "Weep at the futility of war. Weep
  at the lost innocence. Weep at the horror...
  the horror... of Kitten War!" (no relation to
  the famous website of the same name)

  >> Weebl vs. Ghostbusters <<
  Jonti Picking is a lovely man who used to live
  in B3ta HQ until he met his charming wife and
  moved out to make babies. Recently he's been
  beavering away making adverts for Cadbury's
  Creme Eggs, and the latest is based on the
  movie Ghostbusters. These choccy webspots 
  are in a series of five, with the next one
  parodying Sci-Fi epic Sunshine. Anyway, make
  sure you watch it so Jonti can afford some baby
  wipes and nipple cream. BTW: He also tells us
  that he's working on a TV ad for a 118 service
  based upon the Magical Trevor tune.

  >> Graybloke talks social networking <<
  Madriot's monochrome alter-ego reminds us all
  why we're hesitant to go on Facebook. "I was
  quite pleased with this one," explains the
  divine Mr M. "Even though it's painfully close
  to being my reality.

  >> B3ta lady wants husband <<
  "I am a 23 year-old student in my final year at
  art college," writes Alexandraaa, "As part of
  my course we have to complete a final major
  project. For mine, I am going to attempt to
  find myself a husband over the next three
  months. I am not getting any younger and really
  don't want to end up as a bitter old spinster,
  covered in cats. Do you know anyone who fulfils
  the following criteria and would be willing to
  date me? 1. Male; 2. As tall or taller than me;
  3. Sense of humour." If any readers fancy
  getting married in the name of art, then check
  out Alexandraaa's blog where she'll "endeavour
  to update my progress, and hope to be able to
  exhibit a marriage certificate as my final
  piece in the exhibition."



  Last week we wanted your tales of hypocrisy and
  got enough ranting and moralising to fill a
  tabloid letters page for months:

  * CARMA - "I'm actually ashamed of this one as
  I nearly killed myself and 2 other people doing
  this. I was driving home and came to a village
  with a 40mph limit. Unfortunately, I was doing
  about 70 at the 40 limit sign. The roundabout
  was just after the sign and there was no way I
  was going to stop. Ever. So I didn't and flew
  across the mini(ish) roundabout at about 65.
  Right across the front of the car on my right
  which I damned nearly hit. My reason for not
  stopping? I was on the phone. Who to? The guy
  who I nearly hit. The hypocrisy? We were just
  telling each other we really shouldn't be on
  the phone while driving - shortly before a scream
  from him and his OH as "some crazy bastard has
  just driven over the roundabout at breakneck
  speed nearly killing us all.... Hang on JTW -
  was that you???" (james_tiger_woods)
  * MJOLNIR-ENVY - "Religious 'moralists' who 
  condemn what I do as a geneticist, citing that
  I shouldn't be "playing God"... I don't condemn
  you for "playing Thor" every time you go to hang
  a new painting of Jesus with your handy hammer.
  Get with the millennium." (jme)
  * DON'T KNOW WHERE - "That Vera Lynn - pretends
  to be all into animal rights, when her whole
  lifestyle is based on royalties from a song
  about whale meat." (apeloverage)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We've returned to that QOTW comedy goldmine,
  housemates. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Tiny Art Director <<
  Bloke asks his four-year-old daughter what he
  should draw. Then she tells him how much she
  hates his work. e.g. "Stupid ugly angry monkey.
  I hate him. His tummy and his belly button and
  his eyebrows and his hands and his feet. And
  his head too."

  >> Pissglass <<
  Classy tableware for your sophisticated dinner
  parties. Works best with drinks that resemble
http://snipurl.com/pissglass [gizmodo.com]

  >> "My beautiful menstrual cycle" <<
  Day-by-day pictures of a woman's cervix in
  full-on gynaecological detail. There's a fair
  amount of blood. Yes, we knew that'd get
  you fapping. NSFW. 

  >> Backwards game plots <<
  Twitter-inspired collaborative effort at
  pitching games which reverse existing
  video-game plots. Eg. Donkey Kong: "Pauline
  takes her boyfriend to the top of a building.
  There, she dumps him for a giant ape, and the
  heartbroken plumber climbs down the

  >> Check out word of the day <<
  This is either the unfortunate consequence of
  using a random dictionary or a particularly
  public way to kiss goodbye your employment on
  Scrabble's website.


  Almost funny, sometimes...

  >> Robert Webb does Flashdance <<
  Best known for his low-key performance in
  Peepshow - who knew that Robert Webb had it in
  him to pull off physical comedy? And he's
  really good at dancing, and we kinda fancied
  him in a completely "oh shit we're gay" kinda
  way, like when Roger Taylor from Queen dressed
  as a schoolgirl. As submitter planearm says,
  "Definitely worth the licence fee for this

  >> Stop-motion rapist musical <<
  Yes, that's right; a stop-motion rapist
  musical. Critics long considered it impossible
  to sensitively tell the story of basement
  rape-dad Josef Fritzl in song, dance and
  plasticine. This does not prove them wrong:
  breathtakingly offensive.

  >> Shake a Tail Feather <<
  This little parakeet's whole-hearted
  appreciation of vintage R&B can't fail to raise
  a smile on even the thinnest of lips.
http://snipurl.com/isitaparakeet  [www_b3ta_com] 

  >> Rollercoaster Tycoon massacre <<
  There's a whole genre of videos, building an
  in-game rollercoaster to cause the most
  catastrophic loss of human life. This one has
  the inspired idea of having people queue along
  the track.

  >> The evils of coffee <<
  French animated cautionary tale on the perils
  of overindulgence in the little brown cup of

  >> Give us our money back! <<
  Blokey takes it on himself to go collecting
  donations from Royal Bank of Scotland employees
  under the guise of organisation GMBYC. He
  proceeds to tell them it stands for 'Give Us
  Our Money Back You Cunts'. Must admit, we also
  enjoyed seeing him then get a bollocking from
  the police.


  Lots of stuff for you to click, woo hoo!

  * GOATSE WIN? - "In the constant quest for
  finding Goatse-like logos, I think I've struck
  goatse gold (if you can imagine such a thing),"
  whimsies garethterrace. "A heating company
  which associates itself with many flavours of
  goatse, judging by the various different
  coloured Mini-goatses they go for on the

  * NO, REALLY, HOW COULD THEY? - "I feel sure
  that somebody must have pointed this out
  already," opines hjb303, "Has nobody informed
  Burger King of the UK slang phrase associated
  with their new miniature meaty product?"

  * CLICK THIS, GO ON - "Another improbable
  name," shames meepmeep, "This one cannot 
  be real." 

  * AND THIS ONE, CLICKY-CLICK, "The missus and I
  were being nice and middle class the other
  evening," chatters Che Grimsdale, "listening to
  the arts programme on BBC R4. We both sprayed
  our tea over the rug when they mentioned a
  certain French actress. See, in French the
  surname is pronounced 'ardon, in case you
  didn't know."


  Results from the Wii Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design the Wii games
  Nintendo won't.

  Your favourites included:
  * MONTY - it's only a virtual fleshwound

  * JOUST - horse not included (Fresh Water Mole)

  * NAZI - the ever-popular bunker diversion

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Evolution <<
  David Attenborough keeps banging on about
  evolution, but he can't see where it's headed.
  Show him how frogs, giraffes, monkeys, people
  and the rest will evolve to cope with whatever
  the future holds.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BEST OF TUBEDUBBER - "SauronWibble submitted
  this," chirps Bobsworth, "It's so terrible and
  incorrect in every way, and so hilarious." Yep,
  Virginia Tech Massacre is now officially funny.
  Hooray, and a one-way ticket to Hull please.
http://snipurl.com/vtechlols  [tubedubber_com] 

  * WORD REPLACEMENT GAGS - ben_dadds smirks,
  "re: substituting words in films; For many
  years the replacement of the word "Fight" with
  the word "wank" in the 8 rules of Fight Club
  have kept me consistently amused."
  The 8 Rules of Wank Club.
  1st RULE: You do not talk about WANK CLUB.
  2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about WANK CLUB.
  3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp,
  		taps out the WANK is over.
  4th RULE: Only two guys to a WANK.
  5th RULE: One WANK at a time.
  6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
  7th RULE: WANKs will go on as long as they
  		have to.
  8th RULE: If this is your first night at WANK
  		CLUB, you HAVE to WANK.

  * THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN - Waynster states,
  "Regarding this week's newsletter and request
  for the Sisters of Mercy/Scooter video. I am in
  the process of trying to go one better - my
  mate is the bass player in the Sisters of Mercy
  (and a big fan of Scooter, it turns out). He's
  here in Amsterdam this week and I have
  mentioned your request, so maybe he can
  persuade the band to cover a Scooter song
  during sound-check or something, just for b3ta.
  If its possible, I'll make sure to video it and
  send it over. Can't promise, but if they sample
  a lot of the local produce they may indeed go
  for it. Fingers crossed - I've let my mate know
  and am just awaiting the feedback. He's the
  sort to maybe go for it!"

  brianarmstrong2 writes, "I love the bill so i
  dont know why your just going to show it ones a
  week so can you please leave it twice a week
  four you had it three times then twice now you
  are going to cut it down aagain.so please leave
  it as it is please.please e-mail me please and
  tell me why your going to cut it pleease.
  thankyou.Brian" Um, quite how anyone can
  confuse B3ta with a major UK TV broadcaster is
  mind-boggling. We're a website with crappy
  animated gifs on it that hasn't been properly
  updated since 2001. FFS! 


  Don't Poo Your Pants

  "I found this awesome game recently," shouts
  Jody, "Simple narrative and very few options,
  but enough scope (using achievements) for
  players to replay several times. The
  illustrations make it more interesting too."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  blithers, "This week, I have read on the Daily
  Mail that Facebook causes cancer. And on the
  BBC, drinking ONE GLASS A DAY also causes it.
  I'd love some sort of RSS feed just to see how
  ridiculous scientific journalism gets. Get one
  of the newsletter readers to do it."

  * SPIDER CARDS - "You know how some credit card
  companies let you get a custom photo on the
  front of your credit card?" blurts iowaseven.
  "How bout one with the $233.95 spider on the

  * RANDOM ACTS OF DINNER-PARTY - "I have an idea
  for THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE," chortles ljl of
  w-rabbit.com fame, "walk out your front door
  and invite the VERY first person you see over
  to dinner."

  Send contributions via the mail form. Or even
  suggestions of things you'd like to see.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Seventh, Dang,
  amoebaboy, the_log_knows, UTB, Pointy Head, and
  planearm. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Holly Would.

  My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other
  day. That's the last time I buy Tesco Value

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