This Week: * BOOKY THING - Bestest Computer Game Characters * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Shatner, William Shatner * FUNNY NAME CORNER - It's back, sorry ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're mostly __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| over-weight..." B3ta email 381 - 5 Jun 2009 Sync this issue with your Palm Pilot: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue381/ Beautiful people: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Shit-heads: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK How to be jolly evil with Overlord II He’s a delightfully despotic tyrant and they’re the most vicious, yet lovably insane, critters in video gaming. Meet the Overlord and his Minions in a series of jolly informative films from the Minionstry of Information, preparing the nation for Overlord II. The first, Controlling One’s Minions, is full of practical advice on handling the little blighters. http://tinyurl.com/ovlord2 >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than wanking to Daily Mail >> Iconic games characters << Join your humble newsletter scribes on a i-spot guide through the most outstanding computer games characters of the last two centuries. Will your favourite get a look in? Words mostly by Rob, scribbles mostly by Dave. http://www.e4.com/wtf/iconic-game-characters/ >> Pretty Game Boy tuneage << The highly-talented hexachordal covers the Magnetic Fields' 'All My Little Words', accompanied by a Game Boy. Sentimental 8-bit loveliness. http://snurl.com/youngpeopletoday >> Billy Brit - the BNP pamphlet << Manic has been amusing himself with the racist nonsense of BNP spokes-doll 'Billy Brit'. He bought an identical 'Billy Brit' and has been putting his own words in the puppet's mouth. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Brit_II_the_BNP_pa... >> Little pink bear << Joel's jaunty cat tells of his meeting with a cuddly little woodland resident. http://rathergood.com/bear ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Unexpected Nudity Last week we were musing on how unsexy nudity can be at times. voodo_kinky's story of a tick on his cock proves our point nicely: http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/ * EAR-ACHE - "I was flashed once when I was 14. I'd seen him a few times earlier that same day without incident, but decided to flash me when I was out with my dog. Jack was the size of a small horse. He was also daft as a brush and loved to chase things, just not when to stop. He started to growl at this strange man waving his cock at me, pulling on his leash and I was really struggling to keep a hold of him. The bloke gets scared and, not even bothering to put his bits away, he decides to leg it... The leash is torn from my hands and Jack is off like a shot. I ran after them, following the screams. By the time I caught up, I couldn't do anything to help: I was too busy laughing. Jack had tackled him from behind and was trying very hard to stick his cock in this disgusting fella's ear. I explained to a couple of guys what had happened. The police were called. Flasher was lifted on the spot and taken to A&E. Jack's vigorous humping had burst his ear drum." (panda_sam) * NOT AS I'D HOPED - "Staying at a girlfriend's parents' house, no sharing rooms allowed. We had not yet reached the point of sharing bodily fluids: a little bit of upper torso groping had been the limit up until that point. I had to sleep in the living room. At about 2am the girlfriend walks in naked, I wake up and immediately think, "Fuck Yeah, Action Time!" She ignores me, walks behind the TV set and proceeds to take a quite substantial shit. There was the body I'd been lusting after... heading back upstairs to her room. Fuck me, I thought, I'd better clean this up as I'm going to be blamed if anyone sees it. Two minutes later, her mum walks in while I am on the floor with paper towels. "I heard the stairs creaking. I see Patricia has been sleep walking again, let me clean that up." (Dilligaf Jakarta) * POSTMAN TWAT - "A few weeks ago, one Saturday morning, the wife decides she'd get us a breakfast roll from the local butchers. It's about 5 mins away and after 15 mins I hear the front gate open. Being the mischievous blighter I am, I decide it would be funny to stick my willy through the letter box... only to get my cock rammed by two bank statements and our voting cards." (rambosilk) >> This Week's Question << Mud, Dysentery and Syphilis? They'll be on the pyramid stage. Tell us your music festival stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/festival/ ------------------------------------------------- 10 days to go until the closing date of the fantastic Glacéau / Don't Panic design competition. A great opportunity to have your artwork wrapped around an iconic building in the heart of Shoreditch. Does this interest you? The winner will receive £500 + 2 passes to Bestival. ...so you better get designing! . http://sn.im/ixkej ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Soft furnishings for gays << Last week we featured photos of 1970s pron interiors with all the naughty bits cut out - this week Goldenlad writes, "Why bother with vintage porn backgrounds when you can have some nice up-to-date ones?" Warning NSFW. Unless your office loves photos of cocks. http://www.luriddigs.com >> Pets wind-up lols << Remember that money-spider gif from internets past? The creator David R Thorne is now playing games with his landlord, who recently complained about the pets he's keeping in his apartment. Funny, if you're prepared to do a bit of reading. http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html >> Interactive photo gallery thing << What looks like the start of a very interesting graphical adventure, where instead of killing trolls and collecting gold, the aim is to wander round a camp-site full of half-naked fashion models. We can't seem to win, but if you like scantily-clad ladies then every click is a win. http://www.kubikfoto.de/index.php >> Flying dogs << Adding to the pile of dog photo memes we've caught recently (remember that one of flipping pics of dogs lying on their backs?) comes this: snaps of pups caught mid jump so as to look as if they're flying. Next week? Dogs with boners. http://www.holytaco.com/flying-dogs >> Book of the week << Finding life full of sticky problems? Then you need to read the seminal tome "Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk." Apparently a seriously dull book on leadership techniques, but what a title. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/098162102... ------------------------------------------------- : 'WITH SAILS AND I' UPDATE The other night we got a very excited call from John Hopkins, the landlubbing comedian planning to sail a yacht up to Edinburgh in some quixotic rebellion against the credit crunch. Anyway, since we last featured his story, a lovely b3ta person built him a website for the venture - plus Hopkins & Glover will be explaining themselves at a London gig this Sunday! http://www.withsailsandi.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Because reading text makes your brain wilt >> We buy any car dot com << Loving / hating this ad on TV at the moment, the jingle is so moronically catchy. Does anybody have an idea of who wrote it? http://snurl.com/catchyasinaids >> Beatles rock band ad << We love the Beatles in a completely gay way and are amused to report that we nearly cried watching this advert for the computer game. Yep. Tears. An emotional response. What a bunch of twats we are. BTW: We'd pay good money to sit in on the horse trading that the Beatles' living representatives must have gone in for to decide the track listing. Yoko: "OK, if Ringo's getting Octopus's Garden then I want Revolution No. 9." Paul: "Fuck the lot of you, I wrote Yesterday you know." http://www.thebeatlesrockband.com/cinematic.php >> Literal Rock Video remake << Continuing the 'sing what you see on screen' meme is this reworking of Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart. Next week we're hoping for Duran Duran's Wild Boys. C'mon! It would be worth it for the Simon Le Bon windmill scene alone. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Rock_Video_remak... >> Got a bottle of wine, but no corkscrew?! << Then try this handy tip - open it using a toilet seat! Shitty camera-phone quality video that we nearly couldn't be bothered to watch, but then sat through it and laughed like a drain. BTW: Has anybody ever seen a laughing drain? What an odd expression that is. http://b3ta.com/links/Got_a_bottle_of_wine_but_no_... >> The astounding world of the future! << Fantastic idea for a gag here - take dull footage of the contemporary world and give it a 1950s "world of the future" voice over. Wish we'd thought of it. http://b3ta.com/links/The_astounding_world_of_the_... >> Cricketer vs Pigeon << Never had much time for cricket, but we think these guys have stumbled upon a way to liven it up a bit: Cricket as a blood-sport where the idea is to kill pigeons. We'd certainly watch. http://bit.ly/15t2KO ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER The Semmys If you're about to go up on stage to accept an award, getting a Semmy would surely be any bloke's worst nightmare: http://www.semmys.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Extreme Sports Challenge Last week we wanted you to make sport more extreme. Your favourites included: * RAZOR - those terrifying moments on the gymnastics beam made just a little tougher (drbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9487815 * TOSS - scoring a perfect ten in the very competitive pedestrian accident section (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9478685 * 180 - if Premier League Darts is a little safe for you, this alternative might get the blood pumping (835Rocks) http://www.b3ta.com/board/9474899 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/ >> New challenge: SHATNER! << The new Star Trek film is out, and it's great. The only problem is it completely lacks William Shatner. So let's see Shatnerised movies: Shatner on the Roof, The Good The Bad and The Shatner, Indiana Shatner, Shatnerman! SHATNER! Challenge suggested by Bobman500 http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shatner/ ------------------------------------------------- BTW: We recommend the audiobook of Shatner's recent autobiography Up Till Now. It's not going to change your world, but it is an entertaining collection of anecdotes - and having Shatner read them adds a lot to it. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. VERBSWAPR - We asked for someone to come up with a site where you could input URLs and it would exchange all verbs for the next one in the dictionary. "Here you go, you cunts." snarls lovely b3tan Michael Worth. Particularly good results from putting the newsletter through it - arguably an improvement tbh. http://stuttr.netii.net/verbswapr MICROWAVE RAY GUN - Can you turn a microwave into some sort of slow-acting ray-gun? That was the question. "Yes... sort of," answers chazz, "A microwave is basically a radar set which fires all its radar waves into a tin box. It happens that this particular radar works at the resonant frequency of water and fat, so it makes water and fat get hot. By taking the gubbins out and making a wave guide at the exit port of the magnetron, you can make a beam of microwaves that will heat up things in front of it." "You can," confirms Sonny_Jim, "But it would be horrifically dangerous. The magnetron will cause cataracts and other damage to your eyes. The kicker is you won't feel it as there are no pain receptors there, so the first thing you realise is that you can no longer see." http://www.hairfacts.com/medpubs/mwave/cutz.html * LEGO WEDDING - "We were very surprised (and incredibly chuffed) when our lego wedding showed up in the newsletter a mere 20 days after the event," beams Greg Tudor. "As well as the cake, we made different coloured lego cufflinks for all the groomsmen, and a garter with one of my blue lego space men (old, borrowed and blue) for my bride, Louise." http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregtudor/sets/721576... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we asked all our lovely chums on twitter for their suggestions: * BACKWARDS MICROWAVES - Something to make beer really cold, really quickly. (jamesellison) * MP SLEAZE TOP TRUMPS - Expenses taken, houses owned, number of times caught with rent-boys, etc (@peregr1n) * WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE WON - Enter lottery numbers & site calculates what you'd have won/lost if you'd played them since the start. (@ricomonkeon) And special thanks to @SetecAstronomy who suggests, "real life pinatas - donkeys force fed sweets, children then beat them with sticks until they explode." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @danielbevis, magictoast, @alnapp, tubaman, gunkyfibbon, Lord Gnome, @A_Philly, @normanmcleod. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Waspbox. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi. http://www.sickipedia.org/
