NEWSLETTER: "THE ROAD TO ORGASM IS LITTERED WITH PITFALLS, GLASSHOPER"
This Week:
* BOOKY THING - Bestest Computer Game Characters
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Shatner, William Shatner
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - It's back, sorry
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__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| over-weight..."
B3ta email 381 - 5 Jun 2009
Sync this issue with your Palm Pilot:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue381/
Beautiful people: [email protected]
Shit-heads: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than wanking to Daily Mail
>> Iconic games characters <<
Join your humble newsletter scribes on a i-spot
guide through the most outstanding computer
games characters of the last two centuries.
Will your favourite get a look in? Words mostly
by Rob, scribbles mostly by Dave.
http://www.e4.com/wtf/iconic-game-characters/
>> Pretty Game Boy tuneage <<
The highly-talented hexachordal covers the
Magnetic Fields' 'All My Little Words',
accompanied by a Game Boy. Sentimental 8-bit
loveliness.
http://snurl.com/youngpeopletoday
>> Billy Brit - the BNP pamphlet <<
Manic has been amusing himself with the racist
nonsense of BNP spokes-doll 'Billy Brit'. He
bought an identical 'Billy Brit' and has been
putting his own words in the puppet's mouth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Brit_II_the_BNP_pa...
>> Little pink bear <<
Joel's jaunty cat tells of his meeting with a
cuddly little woodland resident.
http://rathergood.com/bear
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Unexpected Nudity
Last week we were musing on how unsexy nudity
can be at times. voodo_kinky's story of a tick
on his cock proves our point nicely:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectednudity/
* EAR-ACHE - "I was flashed once when I was 14.
I'd seen him a few times earlier that same day
without incident, but decided to flash me when
I was out with my dog. Jack was the size of a
small horse. He was also daft as a brush and
loved to chase things, just not when to stop.
He started to growl at this strange man waving
his cock at me, pulling on his leash and I was
really struggling to keep a hold of him. The
bloke gets scared and, not even bothering to
put his bits away, he decides to leg it... The
leash is torn from my hands and Jack is off
like a shot. I ran after them, following the
screams. By the time I caught up, I couldn't do
anything to help: I was too busy laughing. Jack
had tackled him from behind and was trying very
hard to stick his cock in this disgusting
fella's ear. I explained to a couple of guys
what had happened. The police were called.
Flasher was lifted on the spot and taken to
A&E. Jack's vigorous humping had burst his ear
drum." (panda_sam)
* NOT AS I'D HOPED - "Staying at a girlfriend's
parents' house, no sharing rooms allowed. We
had not yet reached the point of sharing bodily
fluids: a little bit of upper torso groping had
been the limit up until that point. I had to
sleep in the living room. At about 2am the
girlfriend walks in naked, I wake up and
immediately think, "Fuck Yeah, Action Time!"
She ignores me, walks behind the TV set and
proceeds to take a quite substantial shit.
There was the body I'd been lusting after...
heading back upstairs to her room. Fuck me, I
thought, I'd better clean this up as I'm going
to be blamed if anyone sees it. Two minutes
later, her mum walks in while I am on the floor
with paper towels. "I heard the stairs
creaking. I see Patricia has been sleep walking
again, let me clean that up." (Dilligaf Jakarta)
* POSTMAN TWAT - "A few weeks ago, one Saturday
morning, the wife decides she'd get us a
breakfast roll from the local butchers. It's
about 5 mins away and after 15 mins I hear the
front gate open. Being the mischievous blighter
I am, I decide it would be funny to stick my
willy through the letter box... only to get my
cock rammed by two bank statements and our
voting cards." (rambosilk)
>> This Week's Question <<
Mud, Dysentery and Syphilis? They'll be on the
pyramid stage. Tell us your music festival
stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/festival/
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10 days to go until the closing date of the
fantastic Glacéau / Don't Panic design
competition. A great opportunity to have your
artwork wrapped around an iconic building in
the heart of Shoreditch. Does this interest
you? The winner will receive £500 + 2 passes to
Bestival. ...so you better get designing! .
http://sn.im/ixkej
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Soft furnishings for gays <<
Last week we featured photos of 1970s pron
interiors with all the naughty bits cut out -
this week Goldenlad writes, "Why bother with
vintage porn backgrounds when you can have some
nice up-to-date ones?" Warning NSFW. Unless
your office loves photos of cocks.
http://www.luriddigs.com
>> Pets wind-up lols <<
Remember that money-spider gif from internets
past? The creator David R Thorne is now playing
games with his landlord, who recently
complained about the pets he's keeping in his
apartment. Funny, if you're prepared to do a
bit of reading.
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
>> Interactive photo gallery thing <<
What looks like the start of a very interesting
graphical adventure, where instead of killing
trolls and collecting gold, the aim is to
wander round a camp-site full of half-naked
fashion models. We can't seem to win, but if
you like scantily-clad ladies then every click
is a win.
http://www.kubikfoto.de/index.php
>> Flying dogs <<
Adding to the pile of dog photo memes we've
caught recently (remember that one of flipping
pics of dogs lying on their backs?) comes this:
snaps of pups caught mid jump so as to look as
if they're flying. Next week? Dogs with boners.
http://www.holytaco.com/flying-dogs
>> Book of the week <<
Finding life full of sticky problems? Then you
need to read the seminal tome "Overcoming
Obstacles with Spunk." Apparently a seriously
dull book on leadership techniques, but what a
title.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/098162102...
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: 'WITH SAILS AND I' UPDATE
The other night we got a very excited call from
John Hopkins, the landlubbing comedian planning
to sail a yacht up to Edinburgh in some
quixotic rebellion against the credit crunch.
Anyway, since we last featured his story, a
lovely b3ta person built him a website for the
venture - plus Hopkins & Glover will be
explaining themselves at a London gig this
Sunday!
http://www.withsailsandi.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because reading text makes your brain wilt
>> We buy any car dot com <<
Loving / hating this ad on TV at the moment,
the jingle is so moronically catchy. Does
anybody have an idea of who wrote it?
http://snurl.com/catchyasinaids
>> Beatles rock band ad <<
We love the Beatles in a completely gay way and
are amused to report that we nearly cried
watching this advert for the computer game.
Yep. Tears. An emotional response. What a bunch
of twats we are. BTW: We'd pay good money to
sit in on the horse trading that the Beatles'
living representatives must have gone in for to
decide the track listing. Yoko: "OK, if Ringo's
getting Octopus's Garden then I want Revolution
No. 9." Paul: "Fuck the lot of you, I wrote
Yesterday you know."
http://www.thebeatlesrockband.com/cinematic.php
>> Literal Rock Video remake <<
Continuing the 'sing what you see on screen'
meme is this reworking of Bonnie Tyler's Total
Eclipse of the Heart. Next week we're hoping
for Duran Duran's Wild Boys. C'mon! It would be
worth it for the Simon Le Bon windmill scene
alone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Rock_Video_remak...
>> Got a bottle of wine, but no corkscrew?! <<
Then try this handy tip - open it using a
toilet seat! Shitty camera-phone quality video
that we nearly couldn't be bothered to watch,
but then sat through it and laughed like a
drain. BTW: Has anybody ever seen a laughing
drain? What an odd expression that is.
http://b3ta.com/links/Got_a_bottle_of_wine_but_no_...
>> The astounding world of the future! <<
Fantastic idea for a gag here - take dull
footage of the contemporary world and give it a
1950s "world of the future" voice over. Wish
we'd thought of it.
http://b3ta.com/links/The_astounding_world_of_the_...
>> Cricketer vs Pigeon <<
Never had much time for cricket, but we think
these guys have stumbled upon a way to liven it
up a bit: Cricket as a blood-sport where the
idea is to kill pigeons. We'd certainly watch.
http://bit.ly/15t2KO
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
The Semmys
If you're about to go up on stage to accept an
award, getting a Semmy would surely be any
bloke's worst nightmare:
http://www.semmys.org/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extreme Sports Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make sport more
extreme.
Your favourites included:
* RAZOR - those terrifying moments on the
gymnastics beam made just a little tougher
(drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9487815
* TOSS - scoring a perfect ten in the very
competitive pedestrian accident section
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9478685
* 180 - if Premier League Darts is a little
safe for you, this alternative might get the
blood pumping (835Rocks)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9474899
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremesports/
>> New challenge: SHATNER! <<
The new Star Trek film is out, and it's great.
The only problem is it completely lacks William
Shatner. So let's see Shatnerised movies:
Shatner on the Roof, The Good The Bad and The
Shatner, Indiana Shatner, Shatnerman! SHATNER!
Challenge suggested by Bobman500
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shatner/
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BTW: We recommend the audiobook of Shatner's
recent autobiography Up Till Now. It's not
going to change your world, but it is an
entertaining collection of anecdotes - and
having Shatner read them adds a lot to it.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
VERBSWAPR - We asked for someone to come up
with a site where you could input URLs and it
would exchange all verbs for the next one in
the dictionary. "Here you go, you cunts."
snarls lovely b3tan Michael Worth. Particularly
good results from putting the newsletter
through it - arguably an improvement tbh.
http://stuttr.netii.net/verbswapr
MICROWAVE RAY GUN - Can you turn a microwave
into some sort of slow-acting ray-gun? That was
the question.
"Yes... sort of," answers chazz, "A microwave
is basically a radar set which fires all its
radar waves into a tin box. It happens that
this particular radar works at the resonant
frequency of water and fat, so it makes water
and fat get hot. By taking the gubbins out and
making a wave guide at the exit port of the
magnetron, you can make a beam of microwaves
that will heat up things in front of it."
"You can," confirms Sonny_Jim, "But it would be
horrifically dangerous. The magnetron will
cause cataracts and other damage to your eyes.
The kicker is you won't feel it as there are no
pain receptors there, so the first thing you
realise is that you can no longer see."
http://www.hairfacts.com/medpubs/mwave/cutz.html
* LEGO WEDDING - "We were very surprised (and
incredibly chuffed) when our lego wedding
showed up in the newsletter a mere 20 days
after the event," beams Greg Tudor. "As well as
the cake, we made different coloured lego
cufflinks for all the groomsmen, and a garter
with one of my blue lego space men (old,
borrowed and blue) for my bride, Louise."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gregtudor/sets/721576...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we asked all our lovely chums on
twitter for their suggestions:
* BACKWARDS MICROWAVES - Something to make beer
really cold, really quickly. (jamesellison)
* MP SLEAZE TOP TRUMPS - Expenses taken, houses
owned, number of times caught with rent-boys,
etc (@peregr1n)
* WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE WON - Enter lottery
numbers & site calculates what you'd have
won/lost if you'd played them since the start.
(@ricomonkeon)
And special thanks to @SetecAstronomy who
suggests, "real life pinatas - donkeys force
fed sweets, children then beat them with sticks
until they explode."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @danielbevis,
magictoast, @alnapp, tubaman, gunkyfibbon, Lord
Gnome, @A_Philly, @normanmcleod. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
Waspbox.
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