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This Week:
* LOTTO - How much cash have you not won?
* SWEETS - mad Japanese candy
* CUTE - animals with casts

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're all precious
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       snowflakes"

B3ta email 382 - 12 Jun 2009

Read this issue in 2-D browservision:

       Sheeple:  [email protected]
         Goatse:  [email protected]

  William Shatner's audiobook 'Up Til Now'

   We used to think audiobooks sub-Catherine
  Cookson tosh for people who can't read but
  we've had a Shatner-inspired Road to Damascus
  experience. Load up your iPod with a couple of
  audiobooks and you can fill in all those odd
  bits of useless time with stuff - like having
  your own personal Shatner regaling you with
  endless anecdotes about his rather busy life.
  Admittedly it did mean we fell over on the
  stairs and dropped a cup of tea - but that's
  the price that's got to be paid - that and
  about £10 for the CD.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  You can do so much with round-ended scissors
  >> The Axe Trick <<
  Wheatley and chum limber up for a shambolic
  stage act involving a razor-sharp axe. It's not
  a question of 'if' but simply 'when' and 'how
  horrible'. BTW: This is a BBC link, meaning
  it won't play outside the UK which is a
  completely shit policy, licence fee or no
  licence fee. Still, great Wheatley clip.

  >> The Lottery Frustrater <<
  Look at what you could have won - "Put in your
  lottery numbers, and get an estimated value for
  what you'd have won if you'd been playing it
  for the last fifteen years, along with the
  dates you'd have won some money," explains
  area. You're probably better off not having
  played but you never know... Also kudos to
  Ptortoise, who also built a lottery results
  checker in response our newsletter request.

  >> Japanese DIY sweets <<
  "You might like this," volunteers Kim, "because
  it seems to be the kind of thing you might
  like." In fact, we find this self-assembly
  Asian confectionary repellant and somewhat
  frightening - you must check it out!

  >> Fa la la la you're a cunt <<
  Matt Boothman - this is what you get when you
  mess with Oxford thespians. Prancing minstrel
  Arran Glass jauntily sings out his rage at the
  hapless local journo who gave him a bad review.

  >> Why I wish Douglas Adams had stopped smoking <<
  Give up smoking the Ginger Fuhrer way. A
  thoughtful Rob explains why he packed in the
  smokes back in the day - and why he wishes
  Douglas Adams had done the same.



  Last week we asked for your festival stories.
  Click for mud, poo, wee, a putrid drumstick
  injury and a lovely photo of Phill Jupitus
  holding a stuffed bee:

  * SCHPOONING - "Gotta love the Danes. Great
  beer, good-looking people, and at Roskilde this
  year, for a little extra, they'd give you a
  tent already set up. In rows and rows of
  identical black fuckers... I ended up coming
  back on my own at about 3am. My mates had
  either copped off, fallen asleep in a bush, or
  staggered back to their own tents a little
  earlier. After a fair bit of confusion I found
  my tent, clambered inside and was asleep before
  my head hit the pillow. As is the case at most
  festivals, I was woken early the next morning
  by some talentless cunt playing a guitar badly.
  I opened my eyes and saw hair. Lots of hair.
  Then I realised I had my arm clamped tightly
  round something. I was spooning a stranger.
  Long gorgeous blonde hair. A smell of coconut
  shampoo. Fucking nice one. My hand stroked down
  her body - I couldn't remember getting any the
  night before, so I fancied a quick make-up shag
  for breakfast. She had nice soft skin, a firm
  tight torso. I breathed in the long locks and
  moved my hips so my cock nestled nicely in her
  arse crack. My sleep partner for the night
  stirred but didn't wake; she turned over onto
  her back. Now I could see her face. And she had
  a very nice, very long, very dense, bushy
  blonde beard. Fuck... Fuck? Shit, I hope not...
  I saw the bloke I'd slept with later. Had a
  chat with him - thankfully he was too pissed to
  remember me, the fella that'd crawled into his
  tent late at night and hugged him while he
  slept. His name was Darren and he was from
  Wolverhampton." (SpankyHanky)

  * A VERY ENGLISH RIOT - "I was at the Leeds
  Fest riots in 2005. The Foo Fighters had just
  headlined the main stage, and we were making our
  way back to the campsite only to find downtown
  Baghdad. There were huge fires all over the
  place, with the sound of gas canisters blowing
  up every few minutes. People were knocking down
  telegraph poles and destroying tents. I seated
  myself at the top of the hill looking down on
  the most tribal primitive and yet awesome sight
  I had ever seen. There in the clearing were
  hundreds of people running and dancing around a
  huge fire made of what was once the cider tent,
  the Carling tent and a telegraph pole. One guy
  was playing the drums using two tent poles and
  the upturned kettle drum bins while everyone
  danced around the fire with glow-sticks. There
  were people juggling fire, practising poi, and
  generally having a really good time. A Carling
  truck that was nearby had been broken into and
  was in the process of being relieved of all its
  goods. It looked like the apocalypse had come.
  And yet... there in the middle of all of this
  chaos, we rioting Brits had formed an orderly
  queue to pillage the Carling truck. Even in the
  middle of a riot we were waiting patiently as
  one guy grabbed 24 pack after 24 pack and
  offloaded one by one them to the waiting 'soon
  to be'  drunks." (Furness)
  * DESPERATE - "Bloodstock '08: this is where I
  saw possibly the saddest thing I have ever
  seen. A boy about 16, with soup in his hair and
  holding a sign saying, and I quote, 'I will do
  anything for beer! (Except male sexual
  favours) And then, written below in slightly
  shaky, smaller writing, 'Or getting kicked in
  the nuts again.'" (Charlietron)

  >> This Week's Question: B3tards on TV <<
  It's been four years since we last asked your
  appearances on TV and film. Since then we're
  sure you've sabotaged more productions. Tell us
  all about it here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Three frames of a movie <<
  This simple concept is hilarious. The site
  makes three-frame animations of 80s movies.
  Some hurt the eyes, others are just plain
  silly. Mostly we just wanted to download some
  films and join in. Then we got distracted by a
  wasp and forgot.

  >> Brian May's website site-map <<
  The point of a diagram is to use visual aids to
  help explain tricky concepts. But no, says
  Queen's guitarist Brian May, who lives in
  opposite land. The point is to take something
  simple, say a website, then use lines and
  squiggles to obfuscate and confuse. It's like
  looking at a mind map of a schizophrenic.

  >> Megan Fox's odd thumbs <<
  Nerds rejoice! You can now reject Megan Fox
  before she rejects you (and she would reject
  you, don't forget that.) And why? Because of
  her ever-so-slightly odd thumb. BTW: Personally
  we've gone off her a bit as she's starting to
  look like Angelina Jolie, and not young hot
  Angelina, but strained, thin, mad octomum
http://snipurl.com/omgthumbs  [www_sherdog_net] 

  >> Homeless Sims <<
  We've got other things to do than play Sims -
  like actually having real friends and family
  who constantly demand attention and even food
  sometimes. However, we're briefly contemplating
  a second look now that we learn you can torture
  your characters by making them homeless and
  miserable. Surprisingly moving, and as Matt
  Round who sent it in says, "better than I
  expected it to be."

  >> Crap demos blog <<
  Brilliant idea for a blog - laugh at all the
  rubbish demos that get sent in to a record
  company. We'd pay good money for Amnesty
  International to do a similar one with protest
  songs. Linky goes to a particularly
  cringe-worthy track with a parent explaining to
  a child that the noises he's hearing are mum
  and dad making love and it's all natural and
  lovely. Ewww. 

  >> All-meat dress <<
  Ladies! If you want Joel Veitch sniffing around
  your groin then why not make clothing from
  salami and bacon? BTW: Veitch can detect one
  bacon molecule per million which means he can
  seek meaty women within a radius up to to 100


  Animals With Casts. Fuck Yeah!

  Because kittun's got a hurty paw paw. Awwwwww.


  Last week's funny videos... today!

  >> Hot Tetris orgy <<
  Kicking ourselves for not making this gag -
  we've always thought there was something sexy
  about all those blocks slotting together.

  >> Post-it stop motion <<
  You think it's going to be shit, but then you
  get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex
  with your own mum really. 

  >> Classic 80's Hits... Interpreted for Ragtime Piano <<
  You think it's going to be shit, but then you
  get into it and quite enjoy it. A bit like sex
  with your own mum really.

  >> Moscow Cat Theatre <<
  You think it's going... sorry we're getting
  repetitive but it's Friday morning and ok,
  let's do this properly. Fraser Lewry sent this
  in, and he's been banging on about the Moscow
  Cat Theatre for oooh, 8 years now, and he's
  finally found a clip. So we're sticking it in
  to keep him happy.

  >> Toto's 'Africa' a cappella <<
  Toto famously named their hit song Rosanna
  after the writer David Paich's then-girlfriend
  Rosanna Arquette. Similarly, the follow-up
  single 'Africa' was named in reference to his
  current partner, the African elephant. "These
  guys were taking so many drugs, it's a miracle
  they didn't start fucking ghosts," we
  completely lie.

  >> Cigarette Trick <<
  Our only regret in giving up smoking is that we
  can't learn any fancy tricks like these that we
  could use to entertain the kids at parties.


  You can't say puerile without saying poo

  * GLASTOCOCK - From last year's festival, the
  Green Fields logo gets distinctly aroused
  around the f. "I reckon it was designed on
  one of the smaller iMac screens and they never
  bothered scrolling down," giggles spongemonkey.

  * BROWN SMEARS - best political headline ever?

  * GLOBAL SLAG CRISIS - who knew things were
  that bad?


  The Cap Sac
  "I am spreading the word about this product,"
  writes Info, "My mom co-created it in the early
  90's - but sat in her home for the decade. A
  bum bag for your head!" Er... putting all your
  money on your head is simply insane. You'd be
  mugged - surely?


  Results from the Shatner Challenge

  Last week we wanted SHATNER! 
  * CARROT - the Shat won't be getting any
  pudding until he's finished his vegetables (WiL)

  * JAWS - not-so-scary sequel in which our hero
  fails to terrify the beaches of California (WiL)

  * OOH - no idea what's going on here, but it's
  mightily psychedelic (mutated monty)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Nick Griffin <<
  Show us the world through Nick Griffin's eye:
  just what is the one-eyed nazi simpleton really
  scared of? Challenge suggested by Griffy Savalas


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CAN THE INTERNET BUY A BOAT- Rob went along
  to the 'With Sails & I' gig for more info on
  John Hopkins & Richard Glover's unorthodox
  marine master-plan. 

  * QUICK BEER CHILLERS - "Have been around for
  quite a while," offers Grampa, in reply to our
  request for a reverse microwave. "They had some
  nice models in local alcohol stores about 15
  years ago: basically open-top thermoses with
  salt water whirling inside. The water was
  chilled below the freezing point and you'd put
  your beer can in it for a minute or so. It
  worked like a charm." You can buy a pikey
  version here for about 5 quid: 

  * VERY FAST BEER FREEZING - 'Speedy beer
  chilling' clearly hit a nerve in our readers.
  "Put a beer in a freezer for about 3 hours and
  take it out. Hit it on a surface and because
  carbon dioxide is released when you do this, it
  super cools the bottle," glees b3tard Dave!

  * LAUGHING LIKE A DRAIN -We asked where the
  expression came from. Jajwhite explains, "Ever
  stood by a gutter outlet when a lot of water
  came out? It sort of breaks up into smaller
  bits, like a fart in a bath, and the resulting
  noise is sort of a "'Yuk Yuk Yuk', like
  laughter." Like a fart in a bath??


  Herding kittens

  E4 has asked your Ginger Fuhrer to round up a
  few B3tards to make some games - first off we
  have Matt Round who brings you the 'Rather
  Difficult game' where you have to nail jelly to
  a wall, herd kittens and get toothpaste back
  into the tube.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COCKS ON THE UNDERGROUND - we've all seen
  animals on the underground tube map, but what
  about penises, tits and ladies' vaginas? 
  * POSTCODE RAPE LOTTERY - "I saw this headline
  on Sky News,  and I'd would like to see it
  turned into a board game, sort of like Monopoly
  but if you land on Mayfair you get raped or, if
  feeling lucky, can pick a 'take a chance' card
  and walk home down Old Kent Road."
  (Mong The Merciless)
  * OPPOSITES GAME - a web game where a word is
  given, say, "elephant" and the player has to
  type the opposite word, say, "mouse." We're then
  shown a list of the most popular
  responses, and if the player has picked a
  common one then he gets a point. Another word,
  another round.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by My Future Self,
  trumpet, applehead, @mattround, @StoodUpTooFast
  @weskrantz, Mick Stubbles, disconnected,
  @codepo8 and @qwghlm. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Zak McFlimby.
  Respect to Poons whom we'll be missing on QOTW
  and /links.


  Tonight's forecast: Dark.

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