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This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Mock Parliament and win a laptop
* CYRIAK - Makes vid that'll freak out your cat
* ANTHEA TURNER - Does she have a penis?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 391 - 14 Aug 2009

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  The Cult of Cartman - Revelations

  Relive those memorable moments by 'big-boned'
  prankster, Eric Cartman as the bible of his
  funniest South Park episodes is released on one
  DVD. With episodes like 'Cartmanland', this
  collection is a must-have for any fan. Buy the
  DVD at:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Meow, Pubs, Kittens, Touching, Anthea Turner

  >> Meow Mix <<
  "My cat wrote a song," scrawls a distressed
  Cyriak. It must be great living in his head,
  where even a simple feline hello becomes a
  throbbing symphony of impending doom.

  >> Pub Stop <<
  "Forget motorway services, have a pub lunch
  instead," proffers Santa Claws. This route
  finder will plot a lovely little beer break
  along any medium distance UK journey. Handy if
  you're driving anywhere this summer. Well,
  handy if you're a passenger, anyway.

  >> Kittenify the Web <<
  "I've made a bookmarklet that turns all the
  images on a page into pictures of adorable
  kittens," glees Blak. "No more shall you have to
  look at dreary pictures on that thar interweb!"
  Jazzes up the BBC News page just lovely.

  >> Diarmuid Makes Me Touch Myself <<
  "My friend Diarmuid doesn't have a girlfriend
  and he's a bit down about it," explains Paint
  My Album. "So I filmed some willing girls
  saying he makes them 'touch themselves', to
  cheer him up." Inappropriate but amusing.

  >> Anthea Turner's cock <<
  Fat Boab sings the memory of a traumatic
  childhood moment.


  Food Sex

  Last week we asked for your food sex stories.
  The big problem for most of you seems to be the
  smell of 'off' milk/cream/yoghurt that follows you
  around for days afterwards:

  There can only be one story this week. The tale
  we shall title, "Why B3ta won't be sponsored by
  Twix anytime soon":
  * "My first girlfriend and I were together for
  about two and a half years. A few weeks before
  we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
  in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
  auntie’s boss. We had a nice time there, wandering
  around the priory, eating toasted teacakes and
  crumpets in a small tea shop, but a more deviant
  event was on the horizon. "Would you eat something
  out of me?" she asked one evening. I confess I
  was rather bewildered and wondered what she could
  mean: A banana? Some chocolate? A pie? I suggested
  these things and she decided that a Twix would
  be a good idea. The next morning we walked to
  the local Spar shop and, being a chivalrous type,
  I allowed her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate
  was slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe
  put it into the freezer for a while so that it
  wouldn’t melt in a flash. "I’m ready," she said
  late that evening. She went upstairs before me
  while I retrieved the Twix from the freezer.
  When I reached the bedroom she had already
  undressed and was lying on the bed, her legs
  apart. For a moment I wondered how I was going
  to do this: do I actually remove it from the
  wrapper or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put
  one finger in or both of them? I didn’t want to
  ask as I felt this would just make her nervous
  and would hardly instil confidence in the poor
  girl as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
  penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to insert
  a single finger and opened the wrapper. The
  chocolate had that slightly grey sheen of having
  been in the freezer all day, and was also as hard
  as a pavement. "This is going to be cold," I warned
  before introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
  inside and I left about an inch of it sticking out.
  For a moment I looked at the rather ridiculous and
  mildly scary sight before me, before bending down
  and biting off about half of the exposed finger of
  Twix. Without warning the whole thing vanished
  inside her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
  wondering what I should do. I didn’t think it would
  be The Done Thing to prise apart her labia like a
  mechanic lifting a bonnet before rummaging around
  inside, so I just lay there, staring, wanting to
  cry for a moment. And then a thick, brown liquid
  began to ooze from her pubis. Terrified that it
  would ruin the sheets - which, after all, were not
  ours - I thrust my hand between her thighs and
  caught the melted chocolate as it dribbled out,
  but my hand quickly filled and I was then forced
  to consider what I was going to do with a hand full
  of rather hot, melted Twix as I could hardly say,
  "just crimp yourself off, love - I need to go and
  wash my hand", so screwing my eyes shut I licked
  it off my hand while my other one was slowly filling.
  Then, just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse,
  the biscuit base popped out, completely, eerily
  clean, stripped bare of chocolate and caramel,
  like an albino penis. I pulled it out and, hands
  full of chocolate, quickly ate it while I waited
  for her sugary, genital deluge to stop. I don’t
  think I’ve eaten a Twix since." (nasalhair)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  MostlySunny wrote to us to tell us all about
  the school project she did on shark nets, "I
  got an A - mostly because I handed it in cut
  out in the shape of a shark." What fine tat
  have you glued together for teacher?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Men at their most masculine <<
  A photographer put ads on Craigslist asking for
  people who feel masculine. This is the
  frighteningly puckered fruit of that endeavour.
  Look out for unexpected todger in picture #9.

  >> View Page Source lols <<
  Looks like these guys wanted the font size to
  be 8-point. Really, really wanted it. Bad.

  >> Periodic Table Jumper <<
  This winter why not be both warm and useable as
  a reference to chemists and microbiologists,
  with this stylish, little number? Hopefully Dr
  Ben Goldacre will be wearing one for his next
  TV appearance. 

  >> The art of StreetView <<
  Thoughtful article about Google's street
  photography project, illustrated with some of
  the brilliant shots it's managed to randomly
  capture with its beady, robot eye.

 >> 3 ad: who's to blame <<
 Angry website tracks down the culprits for those
 '3' comedy spots that seem to bookend all of
 Channel 4's programming at the moment. And
 rightly so, as they are fucking awful.


  Like telly but not rented off Rumbelows

  >> "My phone was off" <<
  Bloke turns off his phone while he backpacks
  around Europe. His girlfriend somehow misses
  this important info. The situation breaks down
  surprisingly fast.

  >> Candy bra <<
  Aged tranny belting out disco. We can't tell if
  this is a tribute to John Waters or John
  Carpenter. Freakydeaky.

  >> iCarly mashup <<
  Teen sitcom re-edited to baroque effect. At
  least, we presume it's not normally an
  innuendo-laced voyage into sweat-soaked terror.

  >> Planes Trains & Automobiles re-cut <<
  That old Brokeback meme resurrected - but in a
  good cause. "Those aren't pillows!!!"

  >> Cat, dog, happy finish <<
  How adorable - this crafty canine has trained a
  cat to perform erotic acts upon his lipstick.
  NSFW, in principle at least.

  >> Smelly Americans <<
  Lanny F is our new infomercial hero, cheerily
  warning viewers that their bodily bits are
  stinking up the place - unless they buy some
  handy product.



  * NEW WIKTIONARY LOGO? - The wiki-based
  dictionary recently held a competition to
  design a new identity. This cheery 'thumbs-up'
  image gives us a strange twinge of deja vu... 


  Results from the Real Celebrity Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make celebrities out
  of real world stuff.

  Your favourites included:
  * HOMER - Springfield's most famous resident,
  all made out of stones (Prawnsoda)

  * BOTTOM - we're not sure if Mr Goatse is a
  'celebrity', but this cigarette box version is
  a thing of beauty (Dixin_Speedos)

  * HELLBOY - made out of a dog, and a couple of
  slices of tomato. Lovely (gspgirl)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> Sponsored challenge: Mock Parliament <<
  Blimey - sponsored challenge time! Vote 
  For A Change want you to make an image 
  that mocks Parliament. The winning image 
  gets a 13" Macbook Pro and there's more.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * JOEL ON FOX NEWS - The Veitches made a
  ridiculous appearance on everyone's favourite
  right-wing TV station. They didn't stop
  giggling for a second, and this, contrasted
  with the uber straight host, makes for a great
  little clip:

  * KITTENFY MEDIA BLITZ - no sooner had we done
  the call out for someone to create a Kittenify
  site, The Metro newspaper had it covered. Nice
  to see B3ta get a mention.

  * MORE "THE RING" PHONE GAGS - edb1984 writes,
  "In relation to (Flim-Flam the Magnificent)'s
  story in the newsletter last week, I used to be
  the assistant manager at Blockbusters - and
  when we were bored we used to look up on the
  computers who had rented the film "The Ring"
  that night, and, after we closed, call them up
  from the phone box over the road to tell them
  they were going to die."

  * GMAIL AD FILTER - GothicTechie writes, "I
  read your newsletter in Gmail, and it appears
  you use enough offensive jokes about sensitive
  issues for the no ads thing to kick in (I first
  noticed for the most recent one but the last
  few back issues also have a sufficient density
  of the keywords). Keep it up!"

  * MORE URINAL PISS GAMES - Lunatic Pole writes,
  "If only I had a penis to be able to partake of
  such jollity :)" 


  I Say Potato, You Say Porn-star

  Back in the dim distant past we used to run
  either/or quizzes. The idea was to find things
  that looked similar - say some pubes / beards
  and then think of an awful name, say Tash or
  Gash and job's a good 'un. This quiz is simply



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAT PIANO - Donkey Gums asks, "You should get
  someone to make a Katzenklavier by asking in
  the newsletter." The device is so extraordinary
  that we're sending you to Wikipedia rather than
  describing it ourselves.

  * WHAT'S THAT WORTH NOW? - "Enter amount+date
  and it tells you the equivalent in today's
  money. Useful for historical novels" (Mike

  * RUDE TWITPIC NAMES - Whiskerson writesm "You
  might have noticed www.twitpic.com/cuntm - the
  pic of Stephen Fry with a nice dollop of cunt
  in the URL - this led me to realise that they
  have not filtered out possible 'bad' urls from
  the site (www.twitpic.com/pedo is my fave...)
  How about asking people to build a checker -
  which polls twitpic to see when 'good' urls are
  coming up then spams the images uploader to
  ensure you get the chosen URL... first to get
  'twitpic.com/fucker' wins a prize."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @MagicallyAdept,
  @cr3, connor, @blogjam, @BPScott Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia japes
  via FIDDLERBOY. Game suggested by via
  executiverocker. Subjlols via The magic of
  chutney, and if you didn't get it then read
  this: http://tinyurl.com/quorcc

  What's the difference between Tango and
  Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.

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