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This Week:
* CATS - Kitten Newz
* DOLLS - Argos Jade tribute
* PRISON - Jailbird Inventions

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saying 'the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      web...' together"

B3ta email 390 - 7 Aug 2009

Read this issue in your browser:

       Superglue:  [email protected]
         Tippex:  [email protected]

  "The Adventures of One eskimO"

  One eskimO are a London based indie band and
  their "The Adventures of One eskimO" takes
  viewers on an animated journey through an epic
  love story. The animation was produced by
  Passion Pictures, who were also behind the
  production of the visual elements of Gorillaz.
  The online experience, through a series of
  astonishing flash games to be released at the
  beginning of September, allows fans to delve
  deeper into the story and to feel part of the
  world of One eskimO.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Abba, KTN, Silences and Webcycle 

  >> Abba sings <<
  "Sweden's premier musicians sing about their
  infestation of martial artists," claims a
  wild-eyed Joel Veitch.

  >> KTN Newz <<
  Monty Propps helps deliver the cats' eye view
  of some shocking, kitten-teasing youTubery. Oh!
  Teh humanitiez!

  >> Awkward Silences: Dragon's Den <<
  Thorpe's Pinteresque re-edit of the poor people
  dance for venture capital reality show classic.
  "The first in a series (possibly)..." he muses,
  stroking his luxuriant beard.

  >> The Webcycle <<
  Tom Scott and Matt Gray have come up with a
  novel solution to the nerd obesity time-bomb.
  "The faster you pedal, the faster your internet
  goes," he cackles gleefully, heralding a new
  era of whippet-thin Torrent-tards.


  Name that Copyright Free Tune

  This is the last of the 7 games in our series -
  "pimp b3tards to E4 so they can afford to buy
  food." Produced by... well we'd like to name
  this chap but he actually refuses to allow us
  to use his name and wants to be credited as NTC
  Inc. We like this one a lot actually, as it has
  fun with the problem of doing a "name that
  tune" style thing but having to keep it all
  legal by using rubbish old tunes.


  Mobile Phone Disasters

  Last week we wanted to know how mobile phones
  have wrecked your life:

  We start with possibly the fluffiest QOTW answer
  on b3ta ever:

  * DAD - "In the pub and one of my chums goes off
  for a wee. I took advantage of his absence by
  grabbing his phone and texting his dad. Nothing
  nasty, just something along the lines of 'I LOVE
  YOU DAD, MISS YOU LOTS xoxox' How we laughed.
  Chris didn't laugh that much. It turned out that
  he hadn't spoken to or seen his dad for about 4
  years following a rather spectacular falling out.
  Needless to say I felt like a bit of twat,
  apologised and bought him a pint. He was busy
  explained what had happened when his phone beepety
  beeped. It was his dad. "I MISS YOU TOO SON.
  was a bit stunned and disappeared off the toilet,
  returning a bit red-eyed. He had spoken to his dad
  (in a drunken stupor) and agreed to go round the
  next day, and he did. He met his half brother and
  sister for the first time ever, cleared the air
  with his dad, was best man at his wedding and is
  now in regular contact and they all lived happily
  ever after. The End." (spikeypickle)
  * DATE - "I once had a date with the dizziest
  girl in the world. When I arrived at her front
  door to pick her up for the evening, I noticed
  a set of keys in the lock, so I took them out
  and knocked. And waited. And waited. And knocked
  again. And waited. Eventually on the third attempt
  the door was opened by my flustered-looking date. 
  "You'd better come in, I can't find my mobile."
  I stood in the hallway while she flung cushions
  off chairs and emptied the contents of her handbag
  onto the floor. Noticing she had a landline, I
  suggested, "Why not give your mobile a ring?"
  She furrowed her brow, "But who’s going to answer
  it?" I laughed thinking that she had made a joke.
  She hadn't. "We might hear the ringing?" Her face
  lit up with understanding as she thrust her hand
  into her coat pocket and pulled out a mobile phone
  and started punching in numbers... "You must think
  I'm an idiot." "Not at all," I lied, "shall we
  go? The table is booked for 8pm". "Ok," she said, 
  "I just need to find my keys." (Colonel Dracula)
  * DATA - "Not long after starting work I ended up
  on the IT desktop support team for the trading
  floor of a bank. When I started out-of-hours
  support, I received a pager. Contained in the box
  was the device itself and a printed sheet with
  two similar phone numbers on it. I thought it
  would be prudent to test it so I logged in to
  Vodafone's website, entered my name and sent a
  test message to myself with a cheery reminder,
  "Don't forget Andy's birthday!" No 'Are you
  sure?' message, no warnings whatsoever, it just
  sent it. I was impressed by the fluidity of it
  all... until about five seconds later, when I
  heard beeping behind me. Then to the left, then
  to my right, forwards, in the distance... phones
  started going off all around me. It was like the
  final scene of Lawnmower Man. "Who's Andy?" asked
  a colleague. Oh crap. I'd paged the fucking
  disaster management distribution list: the entire
  management team for the bank, the board of
  directors, head traders, front, middle and back
  office and the IT department. Worldwide. Around
  3,000 in total. One director in New York called
  me to complain that I'd woken him up for nothing,
  another in Singapore called to tell me how I'd
  ruined the expensive dinner he was enjoying with
  his wife. From that day forwards, I was known as
  'Pager'" (chart cat)

  Finally, Meat2veg's brother is going to get
  beaten up one day: "My brother bluetooths pics
  of himself smiling to people on the tube. When
  whoever said 'okay' looks around, he smiles and
  waves maniacally."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Tell us your tales of your custard fetish and
  the rash you got from a bottle of HP sauce.
  Because we've ALL had a cucumber stuck up our
  chuff at least once in our lives:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Argos commemorate Jade Goody's wedding <<
  Argos is always good for a cheap laugh -
  remember that stuff about typing "chav" into
  their search box and getting a load of rubbish
  jewellery? The lols keep coming.

  >> Wow, multiplayer notepad! <<
  We caught this link on Weds night about 10pm
  and didn't stop playing with it until 2am and
  our eyes were bleary. 

  >> Sticking the word "Fuck" on stuff <<
  Defacing things with stickers is always fun -
  and "Honey, I fucked the kids" brings joy to
  our childish hearts. You can join in too.

  >> Prison Inventions <<
  Fantastic compendium of jailbird ingenuity -
  frankly if the lags are this clever and cunning
  they should be on Dragon's Den and not rotting
  away inside. 

  >> Texts from last night <<
  We meant to feature this months ago but the
  site was down when we went to send the
  newsletter - anyway, if you haven't seen this
  archive of texts that people have regretted
  sending is worth 10 minutes of scanning for
  funny lines - "i told him he had the best dick
  i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept
  repeating 'peter piper picked the perfect

  >> How to stop gmail showing you ads <<
  In the interests of not creating bad publicity
  for their clients, Google scans your mail and
  if it looks to be of a sensitive nature, say
  death, they don't display ads. This, of course,
  can be simply hacked by including a few key
  words in every mail you send, however the
  suggestion to end every mail you send with "PS.
  Suicide death 9/11 murder" makes you look mental,
  and made us giggle rather uncontrollably.


  We are your internet VCR

  >> Handerpants <<
  Sick and tired of chafing and hand-damage?
  Here's the solution - a garment you wear on
  your hands, like the underwear you use to cover
  your shame.

  >> Wanky band interview <<
  Could this be the most pretentious band
  interview ever? Certainly up there.

  >> The Wire with a laugh track <<
  We're massive fans of Paul Simon's gritty cop
  caper but it's always hard to spot the funny
  bits. Thank goodness for this:

  >> Bleeding billboard <<
  Absolutely terrifying NZ road safety notice
  that oozes blood whenever it rains.

   >> DuckTales is awesome! <<
  Man dances in pants to celebrate his love for
  80s cartoons. What's not to love? 

  >> Copycunts <<
  Adland, eh? Full of plagiarising dickheads!
  That's the line taken by this blog, which spots
  video ideas lifted for ads then rages violently
  against the admen involved. For shame!


  Child-size lols for the simple
  * UNEXPECTED GOATSE - "I saw this in the pub
  and thought of you," greets coobeastie. "The
  subtle message is that if you drink and drive,
  then your rectum with become distended."

  * MARKETING THE RAPISTS - This company clearly
  doesn't shy away from a challenge.


  Results from the Teletext Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show how Teletext
  could be saved.

  Your favourites included:
  * JACKO - the deceased King Of Pop lives on,
  via 7-bit pixel magic (Q4nobody.co.uk)

  * HORSES - they're the best of all animals,
  they're our friends, and they WILL save the
  service (Barbarossa)

  * TESCO - a version of this appears in almost
  every challenge, but never used so
  appropriately (RedStar)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Real World Celebs <<
  Can you make Simon le Bon out of a pizza? What
  about Fred West from some wool? Pick your
  favourite celeb and render them in any media
  you like, as long as it's not Photoshop or


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CLARKSON BEATBOX HIT - This linky did really
  well for Swedemason and we've got a bit of
  extra background on it from him, "I was
  recently laid up with a broken clavicle and
  knee, so took advantage of the written-off time
  and the trippy painkillers by trawling through
  hours of top gear repeats on Dave. Finding
  enough sounds for the beat-box almost cost me
  my sanity. The ultimate has to be getting a bit
  of airtime on Radio 1. Caught it in real time
  as we were driving home from a wedding in
  Wales. Just very weird." Also MTV producer Ils
  got in touch to say, "I sent that lovely
  Clarkson beatbox clip to one of the main
  editors on 'Top Gear' and he is sending it on
  to the lads ASAP." Wonder what the great man
  will make of it?
   That beatbox link again:

  * LCD PISS TARGETS - "I live in Melbourne,
  Australia," claims Dr Dee. "One of my fave
  bars, the Horse Bazaar has what they call 'the
  Rear Projection Urinal (RPU)' and in the past
  I've pissed on Michael Jackson, President Bush
  and Arnold Schwarzenegger."

  * WEE GAMES - Thanks also to aspottedbeetle who
  pointed us at a company that makes simple video
  games controlled by your urine flow. They claim
  it's suitable for teaching toddlers proper
  toilet behaviour. Which we doubt.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ARE THEY DRINKABLE? "Have you noticed how
  household cleaning products are increasingly
  appearing to be drinkable?" writes swa110w,
  "Now Comfort conditioner looks like a smoothie
  and Bloo toilet cleaner looks like orange
  squash!" Can someone turn this into a photoquiz
  where players have to guess - from liquid
  poured into glasses - which one is drinkable and
  which one is liquid death?

  * GLOVEMATCH.COM - "National Database of Lost
  or Found Gloves." (@shedfire)

  * KITTENSLAP - "A bookmarklet that replaces
  every image on the site you are viewing with
  appropriately-sized kittens." (@killarneyman)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @lendmeyoureyes,
  @waxy, drew, @cartelmike, @screechin,
  @applepies, @matt512 and @Dylsy Top Tippery by
  Tedium. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via benja18. Sickipedia via

  TOP TIP: Do a lot of baking?
  Dont want to shell out for vanilla essence? Get a
  whole vanilla pod and put it in a jar, fill the
  jar with sugar, and use this sugar whenever you
  need vanilla, just keep topping it up whenever it
  gets used.


  Have you noticed, whenever you go into a cancer
  research shop, they never seem to be doing any

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