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This Week:
* SONG - Letter to Lily Allen
* CHALLENGE - Hollywood pun porn film titles
* QUESTION - Your IT support tales of woe

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're printing out 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     the web... together"

B3ta email 398 - 2 Oct 2009

Invite your friends to a newsletter party

          Edlin:  [email protected]
      Notepad:  [email protected]

  Smile and the whole world smiles with you

  Smiling is the universal sign of wellbeing.
  It's scientifically proven that smiling makes
  you feel and look happier, healthier and more
  attractive. So as it's World Mental Health Day
  on Saturday 10th October, get smiling with the BBC:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then phone us on 01 811 8055.
  Actually that's the old number for Swap Shop,
  so just use the form instead:


  Lily Allen, Credit Crunch and 28 days later

  >> Letter to Lily Allen <<
  A link that's been everywhere this week but was
  launched on our very own B3ta Links is Dan
  Bull's letter to Lily Allen. It's great because:
  1. Adding Lily after every line is
  extraordinarily catchy and reminds us of that
  joke letter to Richard Branson a while back.
  2. It makes its point without resort to name
  calling and calling her music shit. (We rather
  like her here, despite her silly views)
  3. It's just so bloody epic.

  >> I Spot Credit Crunch <<
  Your newsletter team of Rob & Dave made this
  yonks ago but it's taken time to go live - hope
  you like some of the jokes, we spent bloody
  ages doing it.

  >> 28 Days Later, in one minute, in one take. <<
  Cap'n writes, "Hello! Is this too late for the
  newsletter? I've just finished the new one
  minute, one take film - it's 28 Days Later. We
  were going to have the Christopher Eccleston
  guy say, 'I'm here to help you... help you with
  RAPE', but we decided that this was terrible.
  But yes, very much hope you like it."


  IT Help Desk

  Last week we asked for your tales of the IT
  help desk. One of the few jobs where browsing
  B3ta all day is not only possible, but

  * STUCK IN A DOOR - "We had an extremely
  aggressive Dept Head in one bit of the company,
  who was renowned throughout for the bollockings
  he liberally distributed and his no-nonsense
  manner. He was also a boozer and schmoozer, and
  a bit of a porker. Let's call him Jim Clark.
  One afternoon when he was out on the lash, his
  Department concocted a test to see just how
  scary he was. They would email various people
  round the building with ridiculous requests and
  see how quickly they were complied with. One
  email to Facilities went 'SENT FROM MY
  BLACKBERRY' appended to the end, saying 'I'm
  stuck in the door to my office. Send someone to
  free me, NOW!' Sure enough, two blokes in
  overalls turn up five minutes later, looking
  apprehensive, to find a department in hysterics
  and no Jim Clark stuck in the door."
  * STAR SPOOGE - "I was once hired by a swanky
  London meeja agency as their resident nerd
  because I ‘looked good bending over’. Having
  great tocks generally doesn’t send a girl geek
  to the dizzying heights of IT support mastery,
  but it got me a job and that job paid for beer.
  One of the reasons that they needed a fine
  filly to crawl around underneath desks was
  because of their high-profile clients. These
  were international stars, genuinely some of the
  biggest names in the world. Who liked porn. I
  received one laptop from an international star.
  It was caked in sperm. It was splodged
  everywhere, and there wasn’t any way I was
  going to bloody touch it. I decided to have a
  word with the MD: "I understand that X is a
  very powerful man, but he submitted his laptop
  and it was covered in 'white stuff'" "Ah, don’t
  worry. He’s got a bit of a problem with
  cocaine." "Ah, erm, ah, no. I meant that every
  damned inch of his laptop is covered in
  ejaculate." An ungodly amount of antibac wipes
  and rubber gloves later, I found out that his
  laptop was well and truly fried after a year of
  semen seepage. Did he never consider cleaning
  up after himself?" (TheSnark)
  * BLADESERVER - "Can I just say to all the
  people who work in IT, IT/Support and hate
  their jobs? Fuck off and get a new career. I've
  now got over 25 years service in and I can't
  think of a better career... I've seen things
  you people wouldn't believe. Sun-servers on
  fire over the shoulder of Ryan. I watched
  tape-reels glitter in the dark near the
  Mailgate. All those backups will be lost in
  time, like tears in rain. Time ... to die."

  >> This Week's Question: Neighbours <<
  We have a theory about neighbours - the ones
  that have lives are busy having lives and don't
  need to pester you, whilst the ones you want to
  be friends? Be very afraid indeed.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  >> Laughing at Yahoo Answers <<  
  "Have you seen this joy-factory?" writes
  celebrity newsletter reader Ben Goldacre. He
  also suggests we should do a Question of the
  Week on hitchhiking but as we've never ever
  thumbed a lift we were less sure about that.

  >> Will you marry me? << 
  Bloke makes a sign saying, "Marry me Jennifer"
  but then follows it will another 4 signs that
  rub salt into the wounds. Revenge is a dish
  best served on a billboard. Keep pressing next.

  >> The power of make-up <<
  Really eye-opening series of pictures showing
  how incredible the effect of make-up can be -
  reminds us of that old gag, "Why do women wear
  make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and
  they stink." BTW: If any B3tan man wants to do
  a similar experiment then send it in.

  >> Dating site lols <<
  A 28 year-old guy makes a profile of a hot girl
  on a free dating site and keeps a record of the
  conversations. You might assume this would be
  all about getting blokes to do horrid sex chat,
  but no, it goes off in an entirely different
  direction that's 100% on the money - there's
  desperate spinsters on these sites with their
  egg-clocks a-ticking.

  >> Old people are cool <<
  A couple of links we're running together as
  they're variations on a theme. The first being
  photos of your parents looking cool, and the
  second being photos of mostly old people, who
  if you're young you might be able to take style
  inspiration from. Seeing as we spotted blokes
  wearing pink tights in London's Shoreditch
  recently, we reckon anything goes. That's why
  we're wearing a rara skirt and deely boppers.

  >> Emails from Adland <<
  A collection of emails sent from people working
  in advertising to people working in
  advertising. It's wonderfully voyeuristsic -
  and as we haven't worked regularly in an office
  since about 2001 - it almost makes us nostalgic.


  Must return your downloads else you'll get fined 

  >> Bloke scares the shit out of his girlfriend <<
  Boyfriend places dummy head on the pillow and
  then wakes her using a broomstick. We know it's
  meant to be funny, but it's more like the work
  of a psychopath in training. Still, guys will
  watching it hoping the girl is hot.

  >> Gayest cat in the world <<
  According to wikipedia, "Jazz hands is a
  gesture that projects exuberance often
  associated with the performing arts." Well,
  what Wikipedia doesn't know is that it was
  invented by cats. BTW: Cats also invented being
  aloof, hissing and passive-aggressive shitting
  in people's shoes.

  >> 'Bacon is good for me!' << 
  "Have you done the Bacon Is Good For Me kid
  yet?" asks kittwalkerphoto. Erm no, mainly as
  we saw the remix and didn't realise quite how
  good the original was.

  >> Graphic Designer vs client <<
  Anybody who's ever had a client - nor just gfx
  nerds - will find something to recognise in
  this video. BTW: Our tip for difficult clients?
  Hide from them until they stop employing you.

  >> Japanese Carter USM <<
  OK, for the young people at the back, in the
  early 90s there was a really shit indie band
  called Carter USM. They were dreadful - they
  looked crap and their songs were rotten. Who
  would have thought that nearly 20 years later
  there would be a Japanese tribute act? Thank
  you internet, we've now seen it all.


  Our members write in, in their droves
  Last week we suggested our members use ladies'
  depilatory creme on their faces instead of
  shaving - it seems that many of you have had
  similar thoughts whilst bored in the bathroom
  and with disastrous consequences: 
  * "BURNED LIKE FUCK!" - "Please don't ask blokes
  to Immac (or Veet) their beard ! I tried it
  about 20 years ago, having got really, really
  bored with shaving. What happened ? It BURNED
  LIKE FUCK, my face swelled to about twice its
  normal size and was bright red, painful and
  tender for three sodding days. Not a single
  sodding hair fell out." (The Mighty Gusset)

  * "TOOK WEEKS TO HEAL!"  - "Facial hair removing
  creams specifically tell you not to put it on
  your neck. A few years back I disregarded this
  warning and my neck turned into one veiny,
  giant 'love bite' which took weeks to fully
  heal. Hair removal creams chemically burn the
  skin if left on longer than it says on the
  packet. A fraction of the recommended time is
  enough to damage the thin skin on the neck. The
  packets say don't use it on your neck, and I
  can personally endorse this. (loveaintgonnawait)

  * "OLD LADIES' CHINS!" - "my now-deceased nana
  used to use it on her lady beard. You know,
  those tough stray hairs on old ladies' chins.
  She would slather it around her mouth, and
  then, instead of using the palette knife like
  remover, she would scrape it off with a butter
  knife. All whilst sat at the kitchen table.
  When done, the knife would have a quick rinse
  and then be put back in the drawer. Lovely
  lady, honestly." (Marcella)

  * "NO MORE SKIN!" - "I remember guy at my
  school did this and it successfully took off
  the hair from his beard. It also took all the
  skin off his chin with it." (mikearthur)

  * "BRIGHT PURPLE!" - "I used to work with a guy
  who was phenomenally hairy. He'd shave on a
  morning and by the time he got to work he'd
  have half an inch of stubble. One day he
  thought "bugger it, I'm sick of looking like a
  bloody wino all the time, I'll use some of that
  stuff the wife does her legs with" and
  liberally blethered half a tube of the foul
  caustic slop about his fuzzy chops. When he
  reached work, his face was indeed entirely
  hairless. Unfortunately it was also bright
  purple and twice its usual size, and we could
  still smell the burning as the relentless Immac
  continued its grim task deep inside the poor
  sod's follicles. Immac on the face - don't try
  this at home, kids." (ratbag)
  beard? I'm ashamed to say that I did that at
  about the age of seventeen. I'd been shaving
  for 5 years by then and with some kind of
  half-arsed teenage logic thought that my mam's
  depilation cream would be a real time-saver, as
  well as making stubble rash a thing of the
  past. 15 minutes later and my jaw reeks of eggs
  and ammonia and my stubble is coming off in
  uneven clumps. I persevere however. 45 minutes
  later and I'm resembling a tear-streaked,
  Threads-y radiation victim, my neck is burning
  white-hot like it has a vicious space-STD. I
  stop persevering and reach for the razor,
  wincing. It's about four hours until the
  devil-egg smell fades, and four DAYS later that
  the burning and angry redness finally subside.
  There are still a couple of patches of my beard
  zone where hair will still not grow, thirteen
  years on." (Doran)


  Ooooooh. Rudies!

  * KUMON KIDS - The maths-based funny name that
  just keeps on giving. Surely somebody has told
  them by now?

  * MINGE TENNIS - How did Boabmaster find this
  unfortunate lady? "I was basically googling
  'minge tennis'," he sheepishly admits.

  * ARSE SPORT-  Well, any hole's a goal... would
  have been a better gag if this wasn't clearly a
  bike shop.


  Advertising on bog roll

  "Hello crap-dragons," begins Tom Marianczak.
  "Maybe a feature in the newsletter will make us
  all billionaires!" His mind-boggling get-rich
  scheme is printing classified ads on toilet
  paper. We understand the same thinking was
  behind putting Osama Bin Laden's face on bog
  roll - and now he's the most-loved man in the

  If you've got a really crap internet business
  that makes people go, "wtf? that's just stupid"
  then get in touch.


  Results from the Modern Bible Challenge

  Last week we asked you to bring the Bible up
  to date for today's youth. We got long term
  B3ta fan, the Revd. Robbie Pearson to find
  the entries that were, in his words, "not
  only funny but make really excellent
  theological sense":
  * 10 MORE COMMANDMENTS - "Brilliant and so true.
    Hmm, must get this one into a sermon -
    are there copyright issues?" (mushroom)

  * BIBLE CLASSES - "Frankly don't understand a
    word of it, but that's why we have exegesis."

  * GOD SWAP - "At first sight this seems obvious
    but it has deeper layers which made me ponder
    the nature of it all. Whatever that is."

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Reborn As Porn <<
  Take existing films, books, video games, whatever
  and remake them as porn movies:


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BORING LIFE MESSAGES - in In newsletter 394
  we asked for, "FUCK OUR LIFE - FML for married
  people." BadBadman replies, "Well I came up
  with something for grownups along those lines
  (but SFW)."

  complains that our recent requests is 100%
  nonsense, "You can't just use a Brita filter to
  make wee drinkable. You have to use a reverse
  osmosis pump to get all the yucky ions and
  things out, but it still tastes a bit like wee.
  POSSIBLE' show years ago, and then again when
  brainiac stole the idea."

  * DOES SPUNK GLOW UNDER UV? - Kipper writes, "I
  used to work in Preston, Lancashire's Premiere
  Shite Discotheque and you would often see ropey
  slappers inadvertantly dancing under the UV
  lights with bright blue splodges on their chin!"

  Although another B3tan SLVA says it doesn't
  work on fresh semen, only dried semen, "I
  bought a handheld UV-blacklight thing and spunk
  was the first thing I tested with it when I got
  home. In my experience, no it doesn't. Skip
  forward a year or two, and we're replacing the
  bedroom carpet and noticed some peculiar
  markings on the floorboards.  I dug out the
  blacklight and the boards lit up like the walls
  in a rave warehouse.  Or a crime scene,
  depending on your point of view. As gross as it
  sounds, it was then that I realised where Mrs
  SLVA had been flicking/spitting my nocturnal
  emissions after bedtime fun." Nice, and we bet
  she's happy with your sharing that story. 
  SLVA also suggests that we should "Get a UV
  lamp, go in the bathroom in the dark and you'll
  know what Howard Hughes felt like in his final
  years." As John Lennon sang, "Instant OCD's
  gonna get you."

  Nirmeth writes, "Nope - because a penny spins
  its drag is so large when it's horizontal that a
  penny will reach a terminal velocity of about
  30mph on average."  Also many of you sent in
  the mythbusters link on the same idea:



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GPS BEER IPHONE THING  - robertptaylor
  suggests, "As the office clock slowly ticks
  around to knocking-off time, someone mentions
  going for a well-deserved, cool, refreshing
  pint - but where?

  "This is where my idea comes in - an iPhone
  application that uses the phone's inbuilt GPS
  capabilities and tells you which of the pubs
  nearest to you;

  "a) have beer gardens b) if said beer garden is
 still in the sun and c) for how much longer."

  writes, "I've got a few great moneymaking
  ideas. When I say great, I mean shit.

  1. Rent a billboard, and get a couple of 0900
  premium rate numbers from BT. Put up on massive
  billboards something very controversial i.e.
  Should black people be allowed to mow the lawn?
  vote YES 0900 -- -- -- vote NO 0900 -- -- --

  2. Get another 0900 number from BT. Hire a van.
  Get a 'how's my driving?' sticker with the 0900
  number printed on. Put sticker on back of van.
  Drive like a cunt."

  with a third useless idea we'll look around the
  room and see what springs to mind. MICROPHONE
  COCKS! Stick the muffler foam bit from a mic
  onto your penis and get ladies to sing into it.
  No? Ok. Fuck it, it'll do.
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  @greebowarrior, paul moyses, augsav, Shazzoir,
  @SetecAstronomy, @danielbevis, HoratioFellatio,
  Muler, @ElectricSpectre, @kittwalkerphoto,
  boabmaster, lardpig, @Noit, @RareLtd and
  @AndrewMcPlastic. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via ac123. A surprise back from
  the dead hello to b4ta.


  When people ask me what I do, I tell them I
  test rape alarms. It sounds better than saying
  I'm a rapist.

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