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This Week:
* INTERVIEW - B3ta talks to Eoin Colfer
* SONG - Celebrating the 80s
* VEITCH - Sings about lamb instead of pork

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 399 - 9 Oct 2009

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  Hitchcon '09 

  Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Fan convention
  - Sunday 11th October. 11.30am, bring your
  dressing gown, bring your towel for the
  biggest gathering of Hitchhiker fans ever.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Lamb, Eoin, 80s & MJ Hibbett

  >> Joel Veitch vs. Lamb <<
  Veitch's songs are a mixed bag - some are shite
  and sometimes he's capable of being dreadfully
  amusing. This is in the later camp - and
  reminds a little (if your memory stretches that
  far) of Giovanni & Sebastian's 'Fucking Dwarf'

  >> B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer <<
  Irish author Eoin Colfer is best-known to
  younger readers for his Artemis Fowl series of
  novels but his latest project is more
  controversial: writing a new Hitchhiker's
  novel. So we thought we'd get the B3tans to ask
  him lots of questions, giving you a chance to
  make your feelings known. It's a stunning
  interview actually - quite how he put up with
  it without walking out is a mystery.

  >> Celebrating the 80s <<
  "Hello", writes Ricardo Autobahn, "I was taking
  all my old VHS cassettes to the tip, but
  thought I'd give them a good send-off first by
  making this pop track celebrating The Old Days.
  That's the paper-thin concept, which doesn't
  really work 100% because 'cos it's full of '30
  Rock' clips and stuff." BTW: We've just googled
  Ricardo Autobahn and he's previously made
  records with Ian Huntley lookalike Daz
  Sampson. But we won't hold that against him
  because this is bloody brilliant.

  >> My Boss Was In An Indie Band Once <<
  MJ Hibbett has written a great song about how
  his employer used to play in a band and now
  brings the power of punk to his presentations -
  then pulls a neat little turnaround which
  actually moved us. BTW: MJ's band now lives 150
  miles apart and he directed the video by
  writing them a list of things to film and email
  back to him. 


  Crap neighbours

  Last week we asked you about your neighbours
  to find out what kind of person would dare 
  set up a home near any of you lot. You poor,
  poor people.

  * ALBERT THE KNOB - My area's full of oldies 
  with nothing better to do than complain. Next 
  door to me is an old Scottish twat and his wife.
  He constantly complains about anything, even 
  though my wife and I are out all day and give 
  him no reason. Anyhow, I built a nice big brick 
  shed at the end of my garden, and felt the rough, 
  unpainted side facing him needed something to
  finish it off. So I put this on the apex. My wife 
  suggested I pained it pink, but I want it to 
  slowly dawn on him... (KipperFillets)

  * ROCKY - When I was 15 years old, my parents
  decided that we needed an exchange student.
  Upon receiving a dossier, my sister and I did
  what any teenage girls would do: we chose the
  cutest one. We lived in the most backwards
  sliver of cow-fingering Northern Michigan. My
  parents were educated people, but the town was
  full of yee-haw gelatinous hillbillies in
  Nascar t-shirts cloaked in a film of crystal
  meth, comprised of 2 parts human and 98 parts
  gesticulating faeces. The Swede arrived, as
  handsome as expected. As conversation flowed,
  it was revealed that he was seriously wealthy –
  his mother was an MP and his father a
  millionaire giant of industry. At the end of
  his stay, his parents decided to visit. My
  parents were keen to show that we weren’t
  inbred cretins, so my mother repainted much of
  the house, the garden was full of flowers,
  thicker books received more prominent positions
  in the bookcase – my parents were ready. We sat
  down for the first dinner around the table. I
  spied the fat neighbour boy, Rocky (for that
  was actually his name), creeping through the
  front garden. I saw The Swede’s parents lift
  eyes and follow this root vegetable of a human
  being... Then Rocky pulled down his trousers
  and shat in our front garden, like a dog.

  * MURDER - My dad used to burn rubbish in a big 
  metal barrel in the garden, and I'd stand to one
  side and breathe in the heady fumes of whatever 
  he was burning, watching the dancing flames, 
  mesmerised - probably a little turned on. Then one 
  time on a dark November morning a blue and white 
  panda car came screaming up the drive with the big 
  blue light flashing. The police officer got out 
  and ran over to us. He looked into the burning 
  barrel, panting heavily. "What are you burning?" 
  he asked my dad. My dad poked around a bit with his
  stick. "Errr... I'm burning some of my daughter's old 
  toys, officer," he said. The police officer left 
  looking perplexed. "We had reports you were burning 
  something illegal." It took my dad until after 
  Christmas to find out why the copper had come 
  tearing up the drive like Starsky and Hutch. The 
  next door neighbour had alerted the authorities 
  when she saw my dad putting a baby in a burning 
  barrel with some small demonic kid (me) clapping 
  his hands in glee and looking on. It was one of 
  my sister's old and knackered dolls. (Pastabator)

  worth a read is spimf's two-parter about a hideous
  pair of harpies who deserved everything they got.

  >> This Week's Question: Celebrities <<
  Back by popular demand - Have you ever annoyed
  a celebrity, or been on the receiving end of 
  the wrath of some Z-Lister? Spill all.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Radio fail <<
  Great collection of radio bloopers - we
  particularly enjoyed the abortive interview
  with Kylie where she describes the DJ as a
  retard. Frankly, reminded of our own interview
  with Eoin Colfer this week - he's Kylie and
  we're the retards.

  >> All the shit and weird stuff off Etsy <<
  Etsy - to those not in the know - is like an
  eBay for handmade crafty projects. People
  generally think it's the most wonderful site on
  the planet - it is - but some of the stuff sold
  there is a bit crap. Look, see:

  >> Take A Weird Break blog <<
  UK magazine Take A Break might be aimed at
  chavy mums but it's actually quite surreal and
  funny - as evidenced by this great collection of

  >> The most awesome guy on Earth <<
  Looks like Hoxton has a new style icon:

  >> Dollar Defacing <<
  A collection of creatively vandalised
  dollar-bills. He draws on them, photographs them
  and then uses them. Much like us with our

  >> Sponsored rant <<
  Bloke gets offered money to write a blog entry
  - he tries his best but the client just isn't
  buying it. Amusing to anyone who's every worked
  at the grubbier end of the web market.


  We're into this new great site called YouTube

  >> Lady 'Arm Exerciser' <<
  Girlfriend's arm muscles too weak to give you a
  proper hand job? This specialised bit of
  exercise kit is almost too good to be true.
  BTW, we have exceptionally toned lower arms,
  like Popeye.

  >> Fiji Meat Man <<
  Apparently an actual TV commercial from Fiji,
  this is basically 'Sixteen Tons' but added fun
  with sausages and dead pigs.

  >> World's loudest alarm clock <<
  Having trouble waking up? You will after using
  this. Talk-through guide to modding your alarm
  clock so as to permanently render you deaf.

  >> How to: Smack My Bitch Up <<
  Dead-on deconstruction of the Prodigy hit,
  using pens, paper, scissors and other people's
  records. Amazingly simple.

  >> Poignant singing children <<
  Disabled Thai schoolkids sing Que Sera Sera.
  Tear-jerkingly cute but simultaneously a teeny,
  tiny bit disquieting.

  >> Making stairs more interesting <<
  Wouldn't it be nice to somehow trick fatties
  into taking more exercise? That's what we
  assume is the thought behind this rather lovely
  exercise in changing people's behaviour through


  Like jokes used to be in the 70s
  >> Passport vagina <<
  Close examination of the UK passport shows the
  word QUIM clearly printed above the crest. FYI:
  When Charles is King the word will be altered
  to COCK.

  >> Bath Spa happy finish? <<
  Untoward imagery on the website of Bath's
  swanky Thermae spa seems to imply a mucky range
  of additional personal services. "I was booking
  a birthday massage for my lovely lady," claims
  informant cidercomic. Hmm.

  >> Lee Wank-hoo <<
  South Chungcheong's governor is wildly
  successful at getting his name in the top
  Google search results for rude words.

  >> 'History For Kids' <<
  "I was looking for a junior version of
  wikipedia," explains teacher misterlegs.
  "Imagine my surprise/delight/horror when I came
  across this:"


  Results from the Reborn as Porn Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know dirty up classic
  media, while keeping it SFW.

  Your favourites included:
  * UNDERAGE - Las Vegas crime caper transformed
  into a kiddy-fiddlin' classic (thefwf)

  * HOLE - x-rated, shock-site take on Dan
  Aykroyd's ghost-busting comedy vehicle. Just
  add arse (Q4nobody.co.uk)

  * APE - cinema's favourite primate returns as a
  monocled, lascivious bounder (but the

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: British America <<
  Since Great Britain and the US separated in
  1776, the Americans have very much gone their
  own way, inventing both canned cheese and
  obesity. But what if America were still
  British? Show us, using Photoshop devilry.
  Challenge suggested by Mushroom


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHAVING WITH VEET - Adding to the wealth of
  cautionary tales as to why you shouldn't try to
  dissolve your body hair, Shifty confesses, "My
  ex-girlfriend insisted that the long hairs
  growing from round my nipples were removed
  prior to a holiday in the sun. Didn't have a
  razor to hand so she immac'd them for me (as it
  was known at the time).

  "Stung like buggery and ensured I was sleepless
  until I had to drive us and her parents to
  Gatwick the next day. Waking up going 120mph is
  no fun."

  * TOP TORRENTS - Singapore-dwelling Baron
  Greenback writes, "Years ago in the newsletter
  there was a torrent suggestion section. That
  was great - local TV sucks so my entertainment
  depends on torrents. Any chance you could
  revive the feature?" OK, as a special one-off
  here's a quick list of the TV we're bothering
  watching at the moment. It's pretty mainstream
  stuff so don't expect any amazing secret finds:

    * Cougar Town - lady telly to keep the wife
    happy but there's enough gags in it to amuse
    the men.
    * Curb Your Enthusiasm - Just started on
    Seinfeld reunion plot and it's so good that
    we'd gladly go gay for Larry even though he's
    very bald.
    * Entourage - current season hasn't really
    grabbed us but we'll probably stick with it.
    * Peepshow - worth it for Mark shouting,
    "Obey my command ORAC!" 
    * Mad Men - like a very slow and nicely
    filmed soap opera.
    * Dollhouse - patchy Joss Whedon product,
    it's no Buffy but we're fanboys so we're
    giving it a chance.

  We're also downloading the new episodes of
  Dexter, Californication and Heroes  but we
  haven't actually watched any of them yet.
  Heroes will probably be crap, as it has been
  for ages.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAN A MAN LIVE ON SALAD ALONE?  Over lunch we
  noticed that our 100g bag of leaves was 15
  calories. *Does maths* Hence a salad only diet
  would require over 16 kilos of salad per day.
  Is it even possible to eat this much?

  * BACON SOCKS - fredthedeadhead writes, "I
  really, really want socks that look like bacon.
  Can b3ta make this possible for me please?"

  * IPHONE HOLIDAY PAL - Divstivs writes, "I
  really want an iPhone app for when you go on
  holiday to a city you don't know. You mark up a
  google map or something with the places you
  think are interesting and it makes your phone
  bleep when you happen to wander near one,
  tracking your position via GPS. Saves loads of
  retracing your steps, because you didn't know
  two cool places were really close to each

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by coolchick365ca,
  djlumpyrulesok, Collatallie Sisters, schondie,
  joe.aule, cidercomic, mrmajorisin85,
  @mattround, @mothdust, jesus.christ, benvenuto,
  slippery doctore AND @elsie_em. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Sickipedia subjlols via sick_dave. Alistair
  Coleman is QOTW bloke.


  Impress your friends (and make some of them
  hate you) by changing your email signature to
  "Sent from my iPhone"


  I was raping a woman the other night and she
  cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky

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