NEWSLETTER: "NICK GRIFFIN MAY WELL BE A HORRID RACIST BUT AT LEAST HE IS NOT BLACK"
This Week:
* FACT - Ad creatives are twats
* MICROSOFT - Everybody loves Redmond
* CHALLENGE - If Corporate Logos Told The Truth
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're living with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our mums... together"
B3ta email 401 - 23 Oct 2009
This is not the newsletter you are looking for:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue401/
Sausages: [email protected]
Unsausages: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Image Challenge winners get canvas prints
Oooh, should be fun this week, we're doing an
"If Corporate Logos Told The Truth" image
challenge and the best three will get 36"
canvases of their work courtesy of canvasRus.
We did have a fantasy of getting them to print
the top 50 entries and hiring an art gallery as
a bit of a stunt but budgets etc. Still, if
you're looking to get some arty stuff printed
then:
http://www.canvasrus.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Torrents, Fame and Twats and more
>> Slap BNP leader Nick Griffin <<
"Made this last night while watching him try
and cover up his racist ways on Question Time."
writes Jimmythepenguin, "Found this video of
him telling ex members of the KKK how to
pretend to be respectable until you get into
power, then added some slapping action. Have a
go, pass it on, tell me how you could've done
it better, etc etc. Oh yeah, if it goes to a
holding page, it's just the dns servers
catching up - only put it live last night. Give
it a few hours and try again, it's not like
there's anything better to do."
http://www.slapnickgriffin.co.uk/
>> Hosting Your Windows 7 Torrenting Party <<
Windows 7 Launch Party spoof. "Why not
celebrate the launch of Windows 7 by illegally
downloading it for free?" asks tedriley. BTW:
Some theorise that MS made their original
campaign deliberately bad, to win clicks from
viral lols like this. They are wrong.
http://snipurl.com/torrentparty
>> Everybody Loves Raymond. Except Raymond <<
"You claimed that fame makes people miserable,"
explains S Hogarty. "I present my own findings.
The increasingly sullen face of Ray Romano."
Indeed, by season 7 he really looks like he
wants to kill himself. Then you.
http://blog.escapedmonkey.co.uk/
>> Ad creatives are twats <<
"Booking an audio session - what could go
wrong?" asks Neil Parkinson. "My vid about ad
creatives seems to have caused a little bit of
a stir in my industry... Neil Parkinson is not
my real name, as I work in post audio and would
like to continue doing so."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Petty and difficult revenge on Microsoft <<
"Yesterday, I donated £70.93 to Linux Mint (a
free alternative to Microsoft's Windows
operating system)", writes graemecobbett, "But
I didn’t fund this myself: Microsoft gave me
the money. Here's how I did it."
http://gwa.tumblr.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I don't get the attraction
Last week we asked for thing you just didn't
get about life. We can safely say that the only
thing you lot actually like is to rant about
the things you don't:
http://b3ta.com/questions/coldfish/
* PORN - "I don't find the people in most porn
attractive in the least. I don't like how they
act, the over-the-top, utterly fake moaning and
noises. I don't like the bizarre sexual
positions. I don't like the baffling behaviour
that seems so common, like some guy
interrupting a blowjob to smack the girl in the
face with his cock. I don't find any of it the
least bit interesting or stimulating or sexy.
But my cock does. I sit there, uninterested,
bored, often revolted. With a hard-on." (bergec)
* SHOES - "I'm sorry, I just don't get the
whole Manolo Blahnik Jimmy Choo thing. I know
Sarah Jessica Parker likes them but she looks
like a foot anyway so her choice of attire is
naturally limited. They're all pointy and sharp
and noisy and fall-overy and none of them fit
properly and they're really uncomfortable and
crippling and every girl who straps herself
into 8-inch heeled diamante mantraps seems to
think that doing so makes falling out of taxis
and tottering about cackling look like the
height of sophistication when really they look
about as elegant as Stephen Hawking on a
waltzer. I'm not a lesbian, I just like flat
heels. And cock." (happylittletulip)
* WASPS - "WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT?" (MatJ)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your fetishes. Quick, get in there
before SpankyHanky explodes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fetishes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> A letter to Charles Manson <<
A creepy idea this - pose as a child, write a
letter to a serial killer and ask for advice.
Please can some B3tans do a UK version? Ian
Brady, Rose West and Peter Sutcliffe are
waiting for your missives.
http://www.thecuriouslife.com/
>> Jim Corr: a mental? <<
"Couldn't help notice in your interview with
Eoin Colfer a reference to The Corrs," writes
Davidcochrane, "Have you followed Jim Corr
recently? 9/11 truther, and quickly becoming
Ireland's answer to David Icke, I shit you not.
He may not think the illuminati are lizards,
but who the heck can tell what he'll come up
with next? Surely a lesson on the effects of
being a guy Corr."
Http://www.jimcorr.com
>> A postman writes about the upcoming strike <<
Last week we cracked the crap gag "I think I'm
about to go postal. That is, refuse to work,
demand more pay and get some grubby Arsenal
tattoos on my lower legs", which was mostly
about our own irritation about not getting some
books turn up in time - but, if you want to
hear about this from the other side, you could
do worse than read this:
http://www.lrb.co.uk/v31/n18/maya01_.html
>> The Ad Generator <<
Generates random, meaning-free headlines and
links them to Flickr images. The result is
mesmerising and strangely reminiscent of
working with b-list agencies. BEEP BEEP. Robot
Don Draper is fucking your wife. Beep.
http://www.cogandsprocket.com/adgen/adgen.html
>> Dead fly art <<
Speaking of serial killers - often they start
with cruelty to animals. So if any dead
prostitutes start turning up in Sweden we reckon
the local cops should start with these guys:
http://snurl.com/superdeadflyguy
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Look! An owl in a box!
Cute yet malevolent, check out the little guy's
baleful yellow eyes glaring out between the
flaps. Don't this at home.
http://reynen.livejournal.com/97704.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
This is our VCR, tell us yours
>> Life in the Google Streetview car <<
Genius idea for a gag here - making the simple
but brilliant logical leap from 'it might be a
bit dull driving around all day' to 'gosh
imagine if you were stuck in a car for years on
end with someone really annoying'. And then
secondly doing all the visuals from real Google
Streetview GFX. This is so full of win that it
makes our pee pees hard.
http://danmeth.com/post/213808236/googlestreetview...
>> Liam Maher - mini obit <<
We're saddened by the recent death of Flowered
Up vocalist Liam Mayer - whose track Weekender
still hold a special place in our memories for
reasons that are frankly too dark to go into
for the b3ta newsletter. If you don't know the
track Weekender then turn it up loud - if you
do then here's something a bit odder: "Dark
Side of the Spoon." Liam singing about finding
using spoons a bit much as they remind him of
heroin. If you believe there's art in telling
your truth simply then there's a shitload of
art here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rod Hull & Emu fix the aerial <<
Continuing the darkness is this eerily
prophetic mid-70s clip of Rod Hull & Emu
fixing the aerial. To those who don't remember
quite how Rod Hull died we suggest looking it
up on Wikipedia.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rod_Hull_Emu_fix_the_aer...
>> Pixar intro sequence- full version <<
Oooh - another little tutorial in writing gags
here courtesy of collegehumor - take an implied
moment of anthropomorphisation to its literal
conclusion. Genius on toast.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1921845
>> Nick Griffin - your racist friend <<
The UK has being going batshit mental over the
BNP leader's appearance on Question Time and
we've been overrun with anti-BNP links. So we
thought we'd pick just one. That goes to Ben
Goldacre, who has found that Nick and his team
have been writing music. "Clearly you have to
find some of these racist songs and put them in
b3ta," writes Ben. Well, ok then. Here's the
BNP's robust response to Lily Allen, as sung by
an BNP member who looks like he's enjoying
wearing a dress a little too much.
http://snipurl.com/soq1w
>> 30 years of hip hop <<
People pretending to be posh - always comedy
gold. Especially when they're attempting a
history of hip hop on the banjo. Actually, that
reminds us of a shit gag we tried to write the
other day, "I said a clip clip clop to the
clippity clop" Ah, I do love The Shergar Hill
Gang.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Oh the hilarity
* GAY WOOD TRADERS - "I accidentally 'came
across' this website, as they are a sponsor of
a football team local to my area," confides
Daniel Parker. Lols!
http://www.gaywoodtraders.co.uk/
* CUNTZ GUITARS - "I know they're German,"
chuckles Marc. "But that's no excuse."
http://www.cuntz-guitars.de
* PASSWORD RESET - "Two hours and countless
Bloody Marys into a Frankfurt-New York flight I
signed up for the airline's wireless internet
service," explains abandc. "As part of the
subscription process one had to enter a
memorable question and answer. Pissed as a fart
I just entered the first thing that came into
my head! After meal service I was really
rocking and rolling and had completely
forgotten my password. Luckily they provided an
online support service..."
http://www.fixfactory.co.uk/nycherewecome.JPG
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: ASK B3TA
We have an answer!
Ben writes - "Gents, I was looking for that
feature from a while back where a bloke had
pictures of birds, then you clicked on them and
it showed you their fanny. You had to guess
what it was going to be like I think. I can't
find it."
DrTugnut2 replies, "Hello Ben, The thing you
are talking about is Guess Her Muff which is
totally about what it says on the box. So you
know - myself and friends have started a
Fantasy Flange League where we have a table
based on accuracy of guesses on this site. The
winner gets the Fa(nny) Cup. All seems rather
childish now I talk about it."
http://guesshermuff.blogspot.com/
BTW: 37 of you also wrote in with similar
messages. Well done b3tans.
YOUR QUESTIONS THIS WEEK
* PISS QUERY - "After a heavy night of
drinking, the 1st piss of the day seems to go
on forever. What's the longest time someone
can actually piss for? Please can you ask
fellow B3tans to satisfy my own curiosity."
(Captain Pilchard)
* NICE WORDS FOR VAGINA - "One of the great
problems of our age is the fact that there is
no satisfactory word for ladybits. Every word
we have is either too crude (cunt, twat), too
silly (pussy, beaver) or too clinical (VAGINA)
to be considered adequate. Will we ever come up
with a word that truly captures the glory of a
girl's fanny? If anyone can end this injustice
it's probably the good people at b3ta."
(ElGranto)
FYI: Our new word we've coined for small,
perfectly formed vaginas that you might find on
a young lady is "vagette."
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: CORPORATE HATE NAMES
Last week we wrote, "thinking about the names
people use for institutions to signal their
personal antipathy to their valuees. eg.
Micro$oft, The Torygraph, The Daily Fail and
The Scum. Do you know any others?"
Rubbish outsourcing company Capita - Crapita
The Aktins diet - The Shatkins diet
The West Australian newspaper - The Worst Australian
The Commodore 64 - The Commode 64
Silverlink Trains - Silverstink
Hammersmith and Shitty - you can probably work that out
Amerikkka - ooh, racist old America
Win-doze Vista - although we prefer Microsoft Blob
British Telecom - Tittish Brollycom
London Lite - London Shite
Ticketmaster - Ticketbastard
Citibank - Shittybank
McDonalds - Muckdonalds
Thanks to histle, aadhaar, Coldcoffee,
latent.twist, combatcameraman, Humpty, emkrim,
cpdexterhuxley, cheeseboy00 and loismustdie for
that. Woo.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Censorship Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to censor innocent
things to make them look rude.
Your favourites included:
* NAKED - in which the Windsors meet the
Obamas, and the new president gets more than he
bargained for (OneForTheRoad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9742440
* COCK - it's Euro 96 revisited and a golden
shower for Gazza (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9744406
* MOIR - popular Daily Mail columnist in job
title tomfoolery shocker (Elvis of Nazareth)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9747981
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here, along with many fine
entries for the unofficial space-hopper
challenge:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/censored/
>> New challenge: Corporate Logo Truth <<
Companies spend millions designing logos that
represent their corporate identity. We'd like
you to redesign them so they tell the truth.
Ooh, and as a special bonus, the top three
voted images will receive 36" canvas prints
from canvasRus.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporatelogos/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BREATH TESTING KIT - In order to tell if you
have bad breath or just a bad-tasting mouth,
"Lick the back of your hand and wait for it to
dry. If the back of your hand smells fine then
you are alright in the breath smell dept,"
explains alecmilne.
* NEWSLETTER 400 INTERVIEW - Ginger griffin Rob
Manuel decrees, "I was interviewed by the
wonderful Jemimah Knight for the BBC about B3ta
newsletter 400 - listen here if you're brave:"
http://tinyurl.com/yjq3rcx
* BREATH TESTING II - To scientifically test
for halitosis, dialagranny informs us that "the
Japanese brought out a device a couple of years
ago. See here:"
http://snipurl.com/fuzzyteeth
* B3TA WITNESS PROTECTION - J writes: "I'm
applying for a government job and because I'm a
fool and submitted under my real name, the
first hit on google is 'investing in sperm
banks three times a day' - as I also have quite
a rare name it's rather unfortunate, could you
take it out?" Our pleasure. Although we retain
a copy for future blackmail when you're Prime
Minister.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LEGO AUTO-SUGGESTOR - "I've bought a few
job-lots of Lego Technic from eBay for science
outreach purposes," confesses Poobar. "Is there
a b3tard out there who will make a site that
takes the number of pieces of each brick you
have, and suggest things to build from the
instructions already available online?"
* BOIL IN THE CONDOM - Yes, boil in the bag
meals made from prophylactic sheaths. "Make it
a challenge for the masses!" decrees The
Archduke of South London. "Something a bit more
gourmet than an egg. A three course feast
perhaps." Extra points for making a tandoori in
a curry-flavoured johnny.
* SNIFFER DOG APP - "I am fed up of chucking
away perfect good narcotics," moans
landofrisingsun. "I'd like someone to invent an
iPhone app or website that updates you on which
bloody tube or train station there are police
sniffer dogs at. I got nabbed at a fucking
MUSIC FESTIVAL! It's like we are turning into a
George Orwell novel."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by m644thomas,
masakatsu, Bootsthealchemist, Pew Pew Pew!
Lasers!, Christian Heilmann, ERG1008,
Lord_Munkee, andybarratt & Diamondflamer.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Sickipedia CTRL C via andyf23. Subjlol via
carlin.
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I think I know when you're getting old. I was
watching porn last week and found myself
thinking, "That bed looks comfy."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
