we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* VID - Gordon Ramsey through microscope
* TOON - Amazing Horse
* GIF - Every 'Under Construction' pic ever

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 400 - 16 Oct 2009

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]

  Indmill - Buy, sell, support new music

  We sell albums for £1.22 and singles for 44p,
  our artists get 90% of sales (excl VAT on EU
  sales) and a percentage from every sale goes to
  charity. If you're an artist looking for a fair
  deal, a music lover who wants to discover and
  nurture new talent or know a charity that might
  like our support - join our community!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Ramsey, Horses, Teapots and Cameron

  >> Powers of Ramsey <<
  "Here's something silly I made for the bbc
  comedy website," beams Mutated Monty. He's
  taken a powerful microscope to examine Gordon
  Ramsey at every visual level.

  >> Amazing Horse <<
  "It's all about women's rights," claims Weebl
  of his latest equine fable. BTW: We should have
  linked this weeks ago but it sat in a pile of
  maybes - turns out it's Jonti's biggest hit in
  ages and has also inspired its own domain
  (GetOnMyHorse.com) AND an interview with
  top-geeky-community-that-isn't-Digg, Reddit.

  >> Blowing into teapots
  "Hey guys," spouts Yan Fortin. "A few weeks
  back, we organised a contest asking our readers
  to blow into full teapots.. as strange as it
  may sound, the response and results were quite
  spectacular." Pleasing and strange.

  >> You control David Cameron <<
  All the power of the Shadow Prime Minister lies
  at your command, with this great
  click-and-speak toy by leanmeanfightingmachine.
  Featuring "Gordon Brown is a second-rate cunt"
  and many more.


  Celebrity Insults Pt II

  Five years ago, we asked if you'd ever been
  rude to a celebrity, or had been on the
  receiving end of a Z-List tantrum. You've been
  busy with the insults in the meantime:

  * TREK - "Aged 13 I was sat in an outdoor
  hot tub in Banff when I looked across to see
  none other than curly hair transporter scamp
  and poor man's Scotty, Colm Meany. I was
  literally just about to ask if he was who I
  thought he was, and he knew it, as soon as I
  opened my mouth speak he gave me a look of
  utter disgust and snapped "Yes, I'm an actor
  for fuck's sake," in a ridiculous thespian
  voice. Only for one of the adults in the hot tub
  to produce the fastest and most cutting
  response I have ever heard: "Standing in the
  background on Star Trek does not make you an
  actor, you obnoxious cunt." (evilamnesiac)
  * TRAMP - "I've had a few pub encounters with
  Camden's crack-tacular knob head Amy Winehouse
  in the years I've lived in North London. And I
  can say without doubt the best way to turn our
  dearest Amy into a raging, spitting, seething
  mass of ridiculous hair, shit tattoos and a
  verbal assault that'd make a nun's hair turn
  white in a millisecond is to do the following:
  Wait until she's shitfaced (usually round the
  Good Mixer at about 11pm; any night of the
  week). Allow her time to stagger out - silently
  count to ten in your head - and follow. I
  guarantee she'll be having a little sit down
  rest on the pavement. Leisurely walk past her
  and casually toss a couple of coins into her
  lap whilst discussing London's homeless problem
  with your mates. I've learnt some new,
  interesting and downright flamboyant swear
  words this way." (SpankyHanky)
  * TRASH - There's only a certain amount of
  times you can shout, "Oi, Kate Nash! Show us
  yer gash!" before she'll turn around and tell
  you to fuck off... It's four times."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Tell us what incredibly popular things hold no
  glamour or joy for you and just leave you cold:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Every under construction GIF ever <<
  Old, bearded men of the internet (like us) will
  remember when websites greeted visitors with
  the message "hello, welcome to my home page",
  had title background graphics and were almost
  permanently under construction. Witness this
  fantastic archive. BTW: We briefly considered
  writing an under construction song and looping
  these images in a video but couldn't actually
  be arsed.

  >> Stop making that duck face! <<
  One day we're going to open a blogspot account
  called "young people being stupid" and shake
  our head with confusion at the weird trends we
  can no longer hope to explain or understand. 

  >> Fame makes people miserable <<
  "I know this by studying the covers of Abba's 8
  studio albums in order", writes Scottcrawford
  on twitter. We also wonder if Benny on the
  Voulez Vous album could be photoshopped into
  Star Wars Kid? He's already holding a light

  >> Sausage Arrangements <<
  We reckon Joel Veitch should renew his vows
  with his lovely wife - so he can throw this as
  a bouquet - imagine the lucky girl that catches
  his sausages. 

  >> Rihanna and Jay-Z are in league with the Devil <<
  Conkers-bonkers website that we'd be
  half-inclined to think is parody were it not
  so bloody detailed. Linked story goes to a
  reading of the recent hit Umbrella-ella-ella
  and how it's all about Satan. Other articles we
  rolled our eyes at included "The Occult Roots
  of The Wizard of Oz" and "Beyonce’s Sweet
  Dreams – Occult Mind Control."

  >> Google wave backlash? <<
  The hype for Google Wave has been astounding -
  everyone begging for invites on Twitter etc.
  Currently we're pretty underwhelmed as we don't
  have enough contacts on it for it to work
  properly. A friend comments, "My gut feeling is
  that it's like using an oil rig to dig a hole
  to house a small shrub in." Anyway - here's
  someone else's critique:


  Mummy, there's people in my laptop

  >> "I've Discovered Something Amazing!" <<
  Fresh-faced expert demonstrates his latest
  incredible discovery.

  >> Scary Gummi Bear <<
  Chemistry experiment demonstrates, to our
  satisfaction, that each confectionary bear
  contains the distilled evil of Satan himself.

  >> 2 Girls 2 Cups (worksafe) <<
  Two lovely ladies sing and beat rhythm with
  plastic cups and clapping. Countdown to
  charming idea being nicked by admen commencing

  >> Nintendo Jazz <<
  Play your favourite console games as they were
  meant to be played - with a live jazz
  accompaniment. Really does add something.
  Something good? Well, maybe.

  >> Star Wars Uncut <<
  Star Wars fans recreate the movie in individual
  15 second segments that will then be stitched
  back together. We were initially sceptical,
  thinking the results would be shit but this
  trailer makes it look amazing! Probably be fun
  to watch at the cinema, surrounded by
  over-excited fans.

  >> Neo Geo collector dance <<
  This man is a hero. Scantily-clad nerd
  triumphantly dances to Pet Shop Boys while
  displaying all his Neo Geo cartridges. And,
  memorably, his arse. Ok, perhaps 'hero' is not
  the appropriate word.

  >> Computer Camp Love <<
  Teen summer love song with full 80s geek


  Fucks shit up

  * WANDA COLON - Shopping channel TV presenter
  or Dumbledore's cure for bum-grapes?

  * EMMA ROIDS - "We thought it was a joke at
  first," writes wanbo.

  * CRUDELY-DRAWN SQUID - Unappetising stickers
  from a current McDonalds Happy Meal range.

  * SAD NEWS ON LEE WANK-HOO - turns out his real
  name is the far less amusing Lee Wan-koo,
  according to b3tard racetraitor. "There are
  more than enough better names out there," he
  continues. "I once knew a Korean doctor whose
  given name was Young Suck. Another common name
  in Korea (and more-so in China) is Longwang.
  They even named a typhoon after it:"


  Ask us anything - just anything

  Ben writes - "Gents, I was looking for that
  feature from a while back where a bloke had
  pictures of birds, then you clicked on them and
  it showed you their fanny. You had to guess
  what it was going to be like I think.  I can't
  find it."

  Dear Ben. Fucked if we know - maybe our readers
  can help? Love b3ta xx.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  writes, "After a particularly raucous night
  out, I found I only had £1 left. Not enough for
  a kebab to fill my sloshy tummy, so I stopped
  at a 24-hour-store and bought...a whole
  lettuce. I figured it was like a kebab, only
  minus the meat and pitta. I managed to devour
  pretty much the whole thing, but as I was
  getting towards the end I realised I was
  basically eating water. I was quite ill the
  next day, and not just hungover."

  * RADIO FAIL SAYS THANKS - King Harvest writes,
  "Just wanted to say how chuffed I am to see the
  link to the radio fail website in this week's
  mailout - feels like a bit of a victory for a
  relative b3ta newbie! THANK YOU! King Harvest.
  Friday evening. Feeling as chuffed as old
  pants." And here's their link again because we
  want to cyber-bum them:

  * BRITISH ENGLISH PEDANTS! - Linbox complains,
  "I know you're running a 'If America was still
  British' challenge this week, but it's no
  bloody excuse for slipping into American; 'Joel
  Veitch vs. Lamb' 'B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer' FOR THE
  LOVE OF GOD, NO!. It's 'v' on its own, none of
  this American 'vs' claptrap.  'Pressdram v
  Arkell', 'Liverpool v Chelsea'."

  * BACON SOCKS? - mr_antihero writes, "Ashi
  Dashi has steak and intestine socks (scroll to
  the bottom) - perhaps they could be petitioned
  to do bacon. Bonus points for the pic wearing
  the steak socks and standing on a plate next to
  a bottle of A1 sauce."


  Miami Shark

  You play a shark - the aim of the game is to
  dive deep, then rise to the surface to smash
  boats, kill people and snatch helicopters out
  of the sky with your massive, razor-sharp jaws.
  It's amazing how perfectly the shark has
  evolved to fill this particularly specialised
  ecological niche.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  DISHWASHER?", asks thespiritofrussellcrowe,
  "Which works better, laundry powder or
  dishwashing powder?" Actually this reminds us
  of being students and doing the washing up with
  some Herbal Essence.

  * CORPORATE HATE NAMES - we were thinking about
  the names people use for institutions to signal
  their personal antipathy to their valuees. eg.
  Micro$oft, The Torygraph, The Daily Fail and
  The Scum. Do you know any others?
  * BREATH TESTING KIT - "A litmus paper that
  will scientifically tell you if your breath
  really smells or your mouth just tastes funny."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via mrmonkfish,
  Rhodri Marsden, @scottcrawford, kyoung57, busy
  phil, chaiwallah, Mikael, tomalexwright
  JugglerJAF, Lee, gronkpan. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. subjlols via Al Fox.  


  We were going to do the "What is small, brown
  and very relieved? Stephen Gately's gerbil."
  joke but what with all the shit going down with
  the vile, nasty and homophobic article from Jan
  Moir at The Daily Mail we've pulled it.

next issue »
« previous issue