NEWSLETTER: "FREE TEXT FILE INSIDE"
This Week:
* BOOZE - 100 shots in 100 mins
* SONG - Dear Mandy
* STAND UP - Your chance to do some comedy
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We lied about
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta pager bleep 406 - 27 Nov 2009
Read this issue twice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue406/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Subtypist: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Amazon Black Friday
Just got an email from Amazon mentioning that
today is "Black Friday", the busiest online
shopping day of the entire year. We guess it's
something to do with Christmas shopping and
that you all have no idea what to buy your
gran, so she ends up with the new Dan Brown and
an egg Breville. There's meant to be lots of
deals on but we're too half-arsed to write any
proper sales copy so this will have to do: go
consume worthless products gentle readers, as
pretty soon you'll be dead and there's no 15%
off in Hell. Linky goes to the brilliantly titled
book "Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/098162102...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
100 shots, Cheese, Mandy and Mayday
>> 100 shots in 100 minutes <<
Time-lapse footage for b3tard Dave attempting
100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. A.K.A The
Centurion! What a hero - and he has work in the
morning too! Thanks to liamrafferty85 for
bringing us this.
http://snurl.com/100shots
>> Cheesipedia <<
"CHEESE! PEDIA! CHEESIPEDIA!" screams The
Neville. "So, anyway, I decided it was about
time I started up an online encyclopaedia of
cheese. It's early days yet, but I've got a few
firm favourites in there."
http://cheesipedia.com/
>> "Dear Mandy..." <<
Genius rapper Dan Bull brought us the sublime
'Dear Lilly', a scolding letter to Lilly Allen
using her own catchy backing tracks. Can he
pull it off again with a message to sinister
Baron Mandelson, who wants to cut off people's
household internet connections if he suspects
them of filesharing? BTW: We've also heard that
pager companies are lobbying Mandelson to make
texting illegal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_wrote_another_letter
>> RC MAYDAY Crash Investigation <<
"I made this short film about a major air
disaster," exclaims JamWire. "And like
Discovery Channel, I shouted all over it to
make it seem more interesting." Guess what?
That trick really works!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/RC_MAYDAY_Crash_Investig...
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: SICKIPEDIA COMEDY NIGHT 2.0
December 9th - Old Blue Last Shoreditch
The last Sickipedia night was a massive
success, and excellent fun. A packed room of
happy drunken people and a dozen or so mostly
brand-new comedians. The pub's asked us to do
it again so come down, have a drink and a
laugh. And if you fancy going on stage get in
touch with Rob:
http://snurl.com/sickipediav2
Among the star attractions already booked;
returning favourites tricyclic_looper and
mushybees. Also Richard Tingley, best-known to
us as Bovine from the B3ta boards. He's
recently been running a video blog which, with
its mixture of jokes and confessional, we're
finding rather compelling. Reckon there’s an
independent film in it somewhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: GO AND SEE BEN WHEATLEY'S FILM. GO ON!
Down Terrace, Brighton, Friday
Ben: Is it too late to pimp the screening of
Down Terrace in the newsletter? It's on at 11pm
at the Duke of York, Brighton.
B3ta: OK, is there any kind of, 'Ben and Rob
Hill will be in the bar - buy them a pint'
stuff?
Ben: Yes, from 9 in the Duke's bar.
Then Ben went quiet for 5 mins and sent a
follow up email to tempt you.
Ben: Also there will be badges.
http://www.cine-city.co.uk/2009/tag/fri-27-11/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
PE Lessons
Last week we asked for your tales of school
sanctioned sports sadism. Those without a sick
note can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pe/
* YAY! GAMES! - "First day at a Second Division
Public School somewhere in the East Midlands. I
was 10, just. The timetable said: "2pm-4pm:
Games." Whoopee, think I and several other
innocent 10-year olds, we get to spend two
hours playing on the swings/roundabout/seesaw.
So we do; and the next day, and the day after
that. It was about two weeks before they found
us. Apparently we were meant to have reported
to the rugby pitch on day one. They were
starting to wonder where we'd got to." (Guy
Debord)
* SMARTARSE - "Physical feats of speed or
endurance are not my thing. I'm more of a
brainy type. I can see some of you are nodding
and some want to punch me already. Aged 12, at
a selective boys grammar school, I'm trying to
make my mark with a new load of 30 class mates.
Sir sets one particular task, 'Everyone in the
middle of the gym, now run and touch every wall
and return to the centre.' This is the cue for
every boy to immediately scatter to the middle
of the nearest wall before turning around and
running fast as their little spindly legs could
carry them to the middle of the opposite wall
(some unfortunately meeting another boy coming
the other way) before repeating with the other
two walls. Now I really don’t like to do more
than I have to. I thought for a moment and
proceeded to jog sedately to the corner of the
gym where I touched two walls at once, ambled
to the opposite corner, touched the last two
walls and returned leisurely to the centre of
the gym arriving way before the speediest of my
peers. Unfortunately in one act, I had singled
myself out to staff and pupils alike as too
bloody clever for my own good." (Rich T)
* FUNNY-SHAPED BALLS - "The game was rugby. The
teacher was Mr Pullen, the science master, who
had never played before. He actually turned up
on the pitch with a huge book entitled 'The
Rules of Rugby'. He explained kicking. He
explained tries. And then he got on to
tackling. A volunteer was needed. Pullen
pointed at Rapinder Sood, the skinniest,
bow-leggiest, tiniest and only moustachioed boy
in the school. Pullen jogged off slowly.
Rapinder followed until, 'Now boy. Now!'
screamed Pullen. Rapinder caught up and made an
effort at diving for Mr Pullen's legs but
missed any real connection. But he did just
catch the ankles and there he held on for dear
life. There was no way Rapinder was ever going
to bring the teacher down. But something else
did come down. Rapinder's doggedness made sure
that the teacher's tracksuit bottoms came free.
It turned out Mr Pullen was not wearing shorts
under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was not wearing
pants under his tracksuit. Mr Pullen was
wearing fuck all under his tracksuit." (Albert
Marshmallow)
>> This Week's Question <<
We really need ideas for Christmas presents and
who better to ask than you lovely creative
people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/present/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Please design a logo for me. With pie charts <<
Designer's email exchange with guy wanting him
to do free work. We've all been there. Christ,
we normally pretend that "we'll make you famous
on b3ta" when we want them to do free work.
http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p.html
>> Naked girls injecting heroin <<
Harpski writes, "If you think that heroin chic
is a good look maybe this link will revise your
opinion." An alarming set of photos that will
stay with you longer than most things we link
to this week. BTW: We wonder how they were
taken? Did someone go "I'll buy you some smack
if you let me take your photo?"
http://snurl.com/heroinchicks
>> Clients from hell <<
A classic theme we've tackled a handful of
times in our questions of the week, but this
version scores via brevity and it's all rather
engrossing if you start reading. BTW: If any of
our clients are reading then we love you! And
can you pay that invoice please?
http://clientsfromhell.tumblr.com/
>> Hairy sausages <<
A neat idea from our Russian friends here -
stick raw spaghetti into a hot-dog sausage and
boil it to create a bearded banger.
http://englishrussia.com/#more-3344
>> Trying to disappear from the internet <<
A writer for Wired tried to vanish from the
world, offering a $5000 bounty for anybody who
could find him, it quickly turned into a large
internet collaboration.
http://www.wired.com/vanish/2009/11/ff_vanish2/
>> LOLSQL <<
One for cat-obsessed computer programmers here:
a mutant mash-up of lol-cat speak and SQL, the
special language engineers use to coax
databases into love-making.
http://www.aaronbassett.com/2009/i-can-haz-lolsql/
>> Google autocompletes <<
A handful of amusing google autocompletes have
been doing the rounds recently and this
enterprising little blog has thought, "Hang on,
there's a blog in that."
http://autocompleteme.com
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Chimp and tigers
"Surely this will make you go aaah :) get it in
the newsletter!" urges bruvopunk.
http://pictures.streakr.com/whitetigers.htm
"and also if you do could you possibly plug my
new release, i am a dubstep producer: Flux
Pavilion and Trolley Snatcha - Family
Fortune/Steppa. if you get it in there ill work
out some way of paying you back, maybe sampling
a b3ta classic in a new tune, im doin pretty
well :)"
http://www.myspace.com/thedarkerfluxpavilion
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
TV but with distracting shit round the edges
>> Toilet flush obsessive <<
Black Moon writes, "Is this guy for real? Look
how many videos he has, look how many views
they have!" Yep, this guy has over 400 videos
of flushing bogs. The loo fan writes, "I live
in the East Midlands in England. My favourite
hobby as you can see, toilets, has been since I
was 2."
http://www.youtube.com/user/ramdomness453
>> Bohemian Rhapsody by the Muppets <<
We're having a bit of a Queen celebration in
B3ta Towers, in the run up to Xmas they've
released yet another greatest hits, but the
interesting bit is there's a version on Spotify
where CD2 is Roger Taylor and Brian May doing a
director's commentary thing. Worth an hour of
your time. And in other news - here's Jim
Henson's Muppets singing Freddie's theme to
Wayne's World:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bohemian_Rhapsody_by_the...
>> Man Vs Toddler <<
Dead-pan song about grown-ups' superiority to
children, it's a bit like Flight of the
Conchords doing the competitive dad joke from
The Fast Show.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Vs_Toddler
>> Grim Segway porn <<
The thing about porn is that you shouldn't ever
look at it, it's wrong. However if it's funny
porn then it's safe - you're looking at a
comedy item: a pair of hi-tech Segways with a
huge dribbling cock and a monster gaping minge,
and not naked ladies at all, oh no. Definitely
NSFW.
http://gallys.realitykings.com/mt/176/
>> Happiness Hat <<
If you're anything like us you find people
complete awful and most social situations a
mixture of horror and embarrassment, yet wonder
quite how some people breeze through life gayly
smiling and making everybody like them? The
secret is the happiness hat. We're wearing one
right now. On our cocks.
http://vimeo.com/7283341
>> Cheapy Lighter Laser Burner! <<
Convert a cheapo cigarette lighter into a
powerful laser cutter capable of burning skin
and blinding kittens. Who needs x-ray eyes now
superman?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheapy_Lighter_Laser_Bur...
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: ASK B3TA
Lift button racing
Last week A Vagabond asked whether repeatedly
pressing a lift button will get it to your
floor any quicker.
Chris W writes, "My friend Big Kev is a lift
engineer and lives in Reading. I emailed him
about multiple pressing of buttons and he
replied, 'You just need to press the direction
you need to go, and the call is logged for that
floor. Continual pressing makes no difference,
just like when you use a pedestrian crossing
you press the button and the call is logged
from the first push.' Please mention Big Kev if
you use this!"
"Lifts do have buttons that don't work or do
anything," adds Jon P. "On many lifts the
'close door' button is not connected and simply
makes people feel better. its called a placebo
button as defined in Wikipedia."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placebo_button
"Pressing the elevator call button lots doesn't
make it come faster, but there is a way once
you're inside the elevator to get it to go
straight to your floor without stopping at
other ones: Press the floor button as well as
the the door close button at the same time, and
keep them held down," opines Tom from England.
If you then press up and down simultaneously it
gives you infinite lives and a railgun. 'Proof'
here:
http://snipurl.com/elevatorhack
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Cutouts Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make celebrity
cutout dolls.
Your favourites included:
* CAKE - it may taste of cardboard, but it
looks bloody delicious (The magic of chutney)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9802474
* B3TA - an almost instant, highly portable
version of your favourite website (yanmania...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9802323
* EYES - dress your pet with these charming yet
annoying eyes (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9800692
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cutouts/
>> New challenge: Desktop Icon Art <<
This week's challenge is to make a picture
using the icons on your desktop. Challenge
inspired by thescotsman.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop-art/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FRAMERATER UPDATE: "Your favourite film
tracker is new and improved," boast the
Framerater crew. "We have now expanded the
lists of films that you may have seen,
including IMDb Top 250, 1001 Movies You Must
See, AFI Top 100 and BFI Top 100. Also direct
links to Amazon and LoveFilm so you can easily
order that film you have wanted to see for
ages. Thanks for all the support, enjoy!"
http://www.framerater.co.uk/
* HOMO MILK - Last week's Funny Name Corner
lolled at homogenised milk labels. This week
HairyTwatter writes, "I work with milk
processing plants quite a bit. The homogenizer
is universally called 'the homo' ...and here's
these big guys talking about running a
calcium-enriched product thru the homogenizer
and saying, 'Every time I run the product it
really tears up the inside of the homo.'" We're
really milking this gag now, eh?
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* IS THIS PERSON MARRIED? - a yes/no/upload
photo thing. Are the stereotypes true? Are all
lonely men fat? Are all spinsters cat owners?
Possibly could be done via a facebook app thing
too. But we hate facebook apps as you have to
install them to play them, then they shit all
over your profile.
* WHEN WAS THE NEWSLETTER PUBLISHED? Dave
writes, "Have any of the B3TAns produced a
graph to show at what time of day (or indeed
which day)newsletters have been published? I
love deadlines almost as much as Douglas Adams
did, and would like to see a graphical
representation of somebody else's (Rob's)
approach to dealing with a chronological
imperative. Really it's because as a freelancer
I spend any Friday when I'm not working
wondering what time the newsletter will appear
in my inbox. Not in a slightly obsessed
repeatedly clicking the send and receive button
sort of way - honest!"
* MAKE A SONG FROM PLUCKING RUBBER BANDS - make
sure you film it too as it would be a bit shit
if it's just a load of boingy noises and no
visuals.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kingdom Oblivion,
@markjbenson, Chemistry Dan, @codepo8,
largoembargo, sinisterduck , Appox, Ed
Blackadder, @oxygenthiefYEAH, unclestinky,
Darklord, Chazz, willenium, and PyroTyger.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols by Undulating Tentacles of Love.
BTW: We accidentally asked the /talk board
instead of the main board for this - check it
out if you're bored:
http://www.b3ta.com/talk/6565556
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Marks And Spencer's new advert states that it
wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're
right too. It'd be Chrita.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
