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This Week:
* LOVE - Joel loves Ben Goldacre
* PAWN - Cats for Gold
* VID - Best Batman spoof ever

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're eating lots
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      of meat... together"

B3ta email 405 - 20 Nov 2009

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           Love:  [email protected]
         Hate:  [email protected]

  Alice In Chains - 7th December - Brixton Academy

  Here's some facts we've cribbed:
  * Original singer Layne Staley died after
  injecting a heroin and cocaine speedball. In
  tribute - Wikipedia puts a little tombstoney
  cross next to his name.
  * Elton John appears on their new album, From
  Black to Blue (absolutely not a concept album
  about biros).
  * Guitarist Jerry Cantrell shares his birthday
  with Sophia Myles - who's extremely pretty and
  was once on Doctor Who. In fact we've just
  googled some pics of her. Gosh, yes, pretty lady.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Other than walking shit on our nice carpets

  >> Ben Goldacre's big penis? <<
  "I sort of tried to make a love song about
  Doctor Ben Goldacre," confides Joel Veitch.
  "Except it's not really a love song, it's more
  about his crusade against evidence-less
  assertions." The most beautiful thing we have
  ever seen - we mean Joel's vid, rather than the
  good doctor's sizeable love syringe.

  >> Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind <<
  Inspired bit of soundtrack swapping by
  Monkstar1. "We come in peace... Now let's you
  just drop them pants."

  >> Call of Duty: Secret Spielberg Level <<
  The harrowing opening sequence of Saving
  Private Ryan rendered as an X-Box shooter by
  ratbanjos and crew. The voice chat is
  excellent, giggling as they get their limbs
  blown off and leaving part-way through, to check
  on the baby.

  >> Chris deBurgh is Dead <<
  Yes, the shining light who brought us Lady in
  Red has been snufed from the world. Ok, no, it
  just a cruel, cruel hoax by Kaufman22. The
  comments from fans add a lot of value.


  Family Feuds

  Last week we asked for your stories of families
  at war. We've collected three short and funny
  replies here, but do go read the the
  heart-breaking tales of woe on the site.
  SittingDuck's entry is worth it alone:

  * MEH - "My Granddad was the youngest of seven,
  born in Yorkshire in 1930. When I was growing
  up (and when my Mum was too - so ever since the
  50s) we never, ever met any of his brothers or
  sisters, despite all of them apparently being
  alive. Was there some sort of massive reason
  for the falling out, I always wondered? My mum
  wasn't sure, so one day when I was a kid I
  decided to just ask Granddad why he never saw
  them. He thought hard for a moment, sucked on
  his pipe, and said 'Because they're boring
  bastards.' Different values back in them
  days..." (SnowyTheRabbit)
  * SMEGMA-BLE - "Not a major argument, but my
  brother once hid my favourite marble up his
  foreskin for a couple of days for no real
  reason. I was rather angry to say the least,
  and my marble smelt funny." (Monkey the Chicken)

  * NICK-NICK - "My uncle Nick doesn't really get
  on with anyone else in the family."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  PE Lessons: a never-ending series of
  punishments involving inappropriate nudity and
  climbing up ropes until you wet yourself? Tell
  us about your PE lessons and the psychotics who
  taught them here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Cats for gold <<
  In the current recession pawnbrokers have
  descended on this land like vultures picking
  flesh off sun-bleached bones. These people are
  scum, their business immoral and ripe for satire.

  >> Top ten geocities midi tunes <<
  Jason Scott is our nerd hero - he does cool
  shit like backing up Geocities when Yahoo shut
  it down. Yeah Geocities is a bit laughable but
  as Jason says, "GeoCities was the largest
  self-created folk-art collection in the history
  of the world." He's also made a funny list of
  the most popular midi files - so get ready for
  some unfashionable 90s nostalgia as the theme
  to the X-files is number 1.

  >> Reverse-engineering of Palin autobiography <<
  "I'm always embarrassed when I see an index an
  author has made of his own work. It's a
  shameless exhibition - to the trained eye. 
  Never index your own book," wrote Kurt
  Vonnegut. What he didn't say was that it's also
  a perfect and unique format for writing gags.
  Hoisted with his own petard and all that.
  (Actually what is a petard? "A petard was a
  small bomb used to blow up gates and walls when
  breaching fortifications." Thanks Wikipedia.)

  >> Public Transport People <<
  When we get on the tube we like to sit opposite
  the prettiest lady we can find and then imagine
  having sex with them. Think on that ladies.
  Anyway - these chaps prefer to spot the
  mentally ill and photograph them. Can't be
  legal, but then nothing fun is.

  >> Playboy in Braille <<
  Surely a gag that's already been done to death
  in our photoshopping boards but this looks
  real. There's also some site knocking around
  which does text descriptions of porno videos
  for the blind. What next? An eating dog for the
  anorexic? (This is our favourite gag ever, and
  credit where credit is due, it was written by
  Prince Philip to amuse The Queen.)

  >> Amazon laptop steering wheel desk <<
  Amazon was web 2.0 before web 2.0 knew how to
  count - it's all about the user generated
  content and it's at it's best when users upload
  really naughty things and then people email
  them about going, "ha ha, look at amazon" and
  it all works as happy marketing for the
  long-tailed super-mall. The latest lol is a
  laptop desk for your carwheel and some minor
  social satirist has uploaded a series of
  crashed cars for the "customer images| bit.


  Like a stunted version of You've Been Framed

  >> Possibly the best Batman spoof ever. <<
  By a kid and his mum - this child will either
  end up a fantastic film maker or a serial
  rapist. There is no in-between in our land of
  false dichotomy. BTW: If you don't know what
  dichotomy means, it's basically like a
  tracheotomy but for lesbians. Oh we're so shit,

  >> Rubbish Josh Stone video <<
  Apparently made by her brother and then
  suppressed by EMI for being embarrassingly bad.
  Stuff to watch out for:
  * Randomly crap lighting - like Ed Wood with
  an anglepoise.
  * Unconvincing bridesmaid that has a tokenist
  Windows Party quality to her. "She's black!
  It'll make Joss look more soulful!"
  * Joss dressed as a WPC - with all the bad
  acting of the intro to a porn tape
  * WTF! It's all gone black and white like Black
  Adder goes Forth.
  * Er.. We're giving up describing this shit -
  there's too much of it and it's just mental. 

  >> Peaches Geldof- Master of The English Language. <<
  Gosh, it feels like we're bitter old men
  ragging on young ladies here because they
  wouldn't look twice at us and we're past it
  grandad. But no - how can you fail to enjoy
  this compendium of Peaches Geldof saying "like"
  on some useless TV show about her life?
  Although, we suppose, if someone did the same
  to us with the word "er" and "um" we'd look
  equally shit and a lot less attractive.

  >> Stuffed Animal TV <<
  Fuck it - we've got a theme going, let's run
  with it. This time it's a REALLY REALLY young
  lady and something bad happens and then we feel
  guilty. This sounds like a set-up line for a
  paedo joke, but no, we don't joke about
  paedophilia as that's just fucking immature.


  The section you won't let die
  * MAJOR DICKIE HEAD - "Working for machinations
  of our government I stumbled upon the
  aforementioned gentleman's name in the email
  address book and assumed it to be a prank by
  some witty techie, but lo and behold a year
  later..." (tk0345)

  * HOMO MILK - it took us a good 20 seconds to
  work out that homo is short for homogenised
  rather than homosexual. BTW: Our favourite line
  in 30 Rock recently was "Are any of you
  gay men?" "No! I'm bi-larious!"

  * YES IT"S A DOCTOR WANG JOKE - but the context
  gives it a little extra. "I saw this in an
  empty show window this morning on my local high
  street. It must be true because I saw a little
  Oriental fella locking the door as I walked
  past." (benhammy)


  Recycling conspiracy?
  Last week we asked for evidence that the
  council really does sort out the recycling
  properly and doesn't just bung it into a
  landfill whilst whistling and grumbling, "dunno
  what you're talking about guv."

  * NO CONSPIRACY - "I used to work for Barking
  and Dagenham Council's call centre, and
  answered a lot of calls on this. People were
  convinced that it was all a lie. The recycling
  and rubbish were collected in the same lorry,
  but they were sorted out later on. The
  residents had to put all recycling into orange
  bags, and the proper rubbish into black bags.
  The bags all got chucked onto a conveyor belt
  at the rubbish place, and a camera recognised
  the orange bags and sent a flap thing to push
  them off the belt into a skip that went off to
  a recycling place. So it does get sorted out,
  honest. I saw it with my own eyes." (gumblina)

  * NEW SCIENTIST THING - "They had an article
  where they tagged ten bits of rubbish in
  Seattle and monitored where it ended up (19
  September issue)... and most of the recycling
  did actually get recycled." (julesmbrown)

  * OK, SOMETIMES IT FUCKS UP - "Last year we had
  a letter to our local newspaper (either the
  Wirral News or Wirral Globe if you can be arsed
  to check their websites) where someone blew
  the whistle on recycling being dumped on the
  local landfill. The council admitted that the
  facilities could only handle so much recycling
  a day and if the limit was exceeded the freshly
  collected recycling was dumped on the landfill
  site." (hagis_uk)

  "It's A Vagabond here, and I have a question
  for the clever peeps of B3ta - praps the
  newsletter - which is 'When facing multiple
  lifts, does pressing the call button repeatedly
  make any difference to the speed at which any
  of them up?'" 


  Results from the Baddies Goodies Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make baddies good,
  and vice versa.

  Your favourites included:
  * BUSH - with Obama in the White House, its
  former resident finally does the right thing

  * HE-MAN - the most powerful man in the
  universe snaps (2 Can Chunder)

  * TALIBAN - once all that Middle East stuff has
  been sorted, suicide bombers will need to find
  alternative employment (HappyToast)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Celebrity Cut-out Dolls <<
  This week's challenge is to create cut-
  out-and-keep dolls based on celebrities. For
  extra points, photograph their exploits during
  the hours of fun they'll almost certainly


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  social hand grenade, "have found a site that
  lets you type a message of up to 200
  characters, convert it to Morse, and then
  download the MP3." Enjoy your new ringtone!

  * I SING COMMENTS - "Hi," trills HenDeadly.
  "This is my new project in which I will sing
  comments, all and any comments, via the power
  of autotune! Post a comment and I'll add it to
  the song - your words will be immortalised! Big
  thanks to cr3 for  the youtube wizardry that
  made the site work. Fa la la-la-la!" We may
  start doing Funny Name Corner this way too -
  it's the future!

  * KATY vs ZOOEY - We asked for a quiz to tell
  the difference between Katy Perry and Zooey
  Deschanel - so one of our loyal readers
  invented a time machine, travelled back 18
  months and created one! Hurrah - and thanks to
  Phil Evans for the tip-off.

  * WINE BOX ALCHY I - "How do you get the last
  dribble of delicious booze out of a wine box?"
  asked thirsty Martin last week. Scoltock
  reckons: "Simply put your mouth over the tap,
  press the button and blow. You will inflate the
  bag, removing all the tedious crinkles and the
  last glass will come out no problem." If you
  over-inflate then it comes out as champagne.

  * WINE BOX ALCHY II - "In true Jim’ll Fix It
  Style, I have come to Martin's wine-box rescue,"
  claims Sarah. "He's fed up of badly designed
  boxes which make getting to his wine feel like
  a Krypton Factor challenge. He ought to check
  out FreshCase and we can help.

  "Happy to offer some FreshCase samples to you
  and Martin to check out for yourselves and see
  if it meets your needs."




  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  while watching Hugh Laurie in the House, we
  came up with an idea that we are neither
  skilled enough or clever enough to execute.
  What we want is a compilation of Dr House's
  facial expressions for every 'eureka' moment in
  the first five series." (Mark & Kaye)

  * A BLOG CALLED "GOING STRAIGHT" - where a gay
  man tries to live as a heterosexual person for
  a while and hilarity ensures.

  * THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO... swallowed a
  fly, I don't know why she swallowed a fly,
  Perhaps she'll die. Rework this song with
  increasingly large storage media. Whether you
  go from tiny physical size to large (SD cards
  to 12" floppies) or via capacity is entirely up
  to you. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via soupeh,
  conster, digitalraven, rotational, @EdStern and
  Fishcat. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Nikorasu. Sickipedia CTRLC+V from
  IndigoFlow. Props to David Harrison for buying
  the ad at the last minute.

  The homeless problem would be solved if the Big
  Issue had tits in it.

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