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This Week:
* ADVICE - How to cure the shits with Bisto
* SHIT LOLS - Best Xmas funny name ever. Promise.
* SCHADENFREUDE - What a difficult word to spell

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're building     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      global warming 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   snowmen... together"

B3ta email 409 - 18 Dec 2009 

I'm 409 issues old, how am I supposed to look?

         Shrub:  [email protected]
      Unshrub:  [email protected]

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
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  Enhancement, Weather and Climbing

  >> "Let's enhance" <<
  "The quality isn't too good," complains dunk3d.
  "If only there was a way of fixing that..."
  Amusing montage of TV & film police
  ridiculously 'enhancing' grainy crime scene
  photos. The secret is to say "enhance" as often
  as you can.

  >> Star Wars weather <<
  "I heard someone say 'It's like Hoth out here'
  as the snow fell in London," explains Tom
  Scott, "A few hours of messing about later,
  here's the Star Wars Weather Forecast." Useful
  to explain the weather to geeks who never leave
  the house.

  >> Climbing In The Name Of <<
  "Here it is," snarls Joel as he muscles into
  the much-publicised battle for Christmas number
  one with an utterly seamless mashup. Like ebony
  and ivory, how can we disagree when the tunes
  go together so beautifully. Thanks Joel.


  Asking people out

  Last week we asked for your attempts at asking
  people out. We liked jessemoya's science
  experiment to discover if his lip ring got him
  more action, but sadly it's undermined by his
  natural angelic beauty. Jesse - you need to use
  a munter as a control:

  * RESENT - "At 13 the only thing to do in the
  Suffolk town was going rollerskating. With our
  own skates we were kings amongst men. I'd had
  my eye on this girl and judging by the huddled
  giggles her friends shared every time I skated
  past, she/they had noticed. "Would you like to
  go out with me?" she said. I GULPED and tried
  not to let my weak knees give way to the wheels
  attached to my feet. "Yes," I replied, probably
  a little (lot) too eagerly. "That's a shame,"
  she said through the beginnings of a laugh. "I
  wouldn't like to go out with you!". Upon which
  point her and her friends fell about laughing.
  As did the crowd of mates who were standing
  with me. About 5 years later when we had all
  grown tall and old enough, nights out had moved
  to the nightclub next door. Skating was for
  kids. Pretending we were on drugs and raving
  like mentals was where it was at. As I was
  cutting shapes with my friends I noticed a girl
  watching me with a group of friends at the side
  of the dancefloor. "Shit," I thought, "That's
  her and she's all grown up". Ambling up to her
  I smiled and asked, "Would you like to dance
  with me?" She looked at her friends, who gave
  her not too subtle encouragement. "Yes," she
  replied (a bit, no a LOT too eagerly - or so I
  like to remember). "That's a shame," I replied,
  "I wouldn't like to dance with you". I'll never
  forget the look of embarrassment, realisation,
  and anger crossing her face. I think I enjoyed
  my revenge more than any grope of her big tits
  on the comfy sofas at the back. (May not be
  true)" (Galahad)
  * DESCENT - "Rakky’s guide to asking someone
  out: 1. Select object of your desires. It is
  important that he, whilst seeming normal and
  well balanced, have some fundamental flaw
  rendering him totally inaccessible, for
  example, having a really possessive girlfriend,
  or having been thoroughly screwed over in his
  last relationship. EDIT. Or gay. 2. Make
  friends with aforementioned object. 3. Develop
  painful, overwhelming passionate crush. 4. Bore
  friends with crush for 6-8 months. 5. Get drunk
  and finally admit to object of desires that
  you’re desperately, hopelessly besotted with
  them and ask will they go out with you. 6.
  Publicly, react stoically and calmly when they
  say no. In private, cry till you dehydrate. 7.
  Wait five years. 8. Repeat steps 1 through 7.
  9. After 3-4 iterations, admit defeat, adopt 14
  cats and consign yourself to being the mad
  woman with egg on her cardigan who lives at the
  end of the street and shouts at children. Any
  b3tards who wish to accompany me to the cat
  shelter would be welcome." (Rakky)
  * CONSENT - "Drunkenly stumbling back home
  after a night out with my mates, I found myself
  alone with one guy I didn't know very well.
  However, he seemed intent on knowing me very,
  very well. On the way, he uttered two lines
  that I will never forget as long as I live:
  "You're so pretty and delicate... you remind me
  of my cousin." "Your... what?" "My cousin...
  You look just like her." If these eerie
  incestuous comments weren't enough, he followed
  with the icing on the cake: "Would you give
  me... consent?" Gentlemen, please, please do
  not ask to sleep with a girl in the context of
  not raping her. She won't like it at all."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  To us, the world is just one long episode of
  You've Been Framed. When have you laughed at
  the misfortune of others? Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Reclaim the Horns! <<
  Concerned about rampant misuse of the Deadly
  Horns of Rock, Twisted Sister's Dee Snider want
  to claim them back for the misfits and losers
  of full-on metaldom. Support him!

  >> Pee-pee and poo-poo disaster <<
  True-life lols, as a shy bodybuilder recounts a
  recent date. He avoids going to the toilet
  until he's round her place, then needs to take
  a dump and piss at the same time, but gets an
  erection. Social anxiety horror ensues. MS
  Paint pictures make it incredible. 

  >> Miss Gibraltar 2009 <<
  What to say about the Miss Gibraltar contestant
  at the bottom of the page without coming across
  as unduly harsh? Let's just say she's very,
  very brave to enter a beauty contest. And by
  "brave" we kind of mean "ugly".

  >> "I'm your biggest fan" <<
  Disturbing fun for people with a Facebook
  account. Don't worry, it's just a gag, he
  doesn't really become your friend. Funny though.

  >> Watch a midget screw a huge fat black lady! <<
  Some sort of karmasutra position-testing site,
  this lets you pick two completely inappropriate
  partners and force them to mate. No nudity, but
  NSFW if your boss is sensitive and not blind
  drunk by this point in the afternoon.

  >> Periodic Table gallery <<
  Awesome photographic archive of all the
  elements it's possible to photograph, plus
  pictures of objects containing the elements
  that can't be.


  Baby hedgehogs

  Gotta love the baby hedgepigs - if your heart
  doesn't melt then you're clinically a
  psychopath. True dat.


  No repeats on the inernet

  >> Back to the Future weird pervyness <<
  Virtually frame-by-frame re-examination of the
  end of Back to the Future 3. Is Doc Brown's son
  Verne played by a little boy, or a perverted
  dwarf? Well, we know what our money's on but...

  >> I Need a Hand Job <<
  Alarmingly knowing commercial for a domestic
  labour-saving device. To the point that we
  wondered if it was real. It's real enough that
  they'll accept money to post you one.

  >> Drunk Pogues-singing <<
  Here's the true definition of Christmas spirit,
  as a brave young Scot gives a method rendition
  of Fairytale of New York. The falling over
  properly begins at 0:43.

  >> Gorgeous, carnivorous sea stars <<
  Amazing footage from under the Antarctic ice of
  the Ross Sea. Timelapse photography makes sea
  stars, worms and sea-urchins bustle around in
  the search for a meal.

  >> Truth in Advertising <<
  Old but gold sketch, advertising execs voice
  their venal, innermost thoughts as they put
  together a multi-million dollar campaign.


  Two penises, one silly name, a drum machine etc
  * FOR XMAS - "I've been waiting for Christmas
  to send you this. This chap works in our
  Amsterdam office. I bet he *hates* this time of
  year." (Scary Dave) 

  * DIGITAL MARKETING COCKS - "Please enter this
  into the phallic logo awards." (paltoft)

  * COCK PILLOWS - "No wonder she got pregnant if
  she's that obsessed with massive cocks." (Matt)


: "IT LOOKS LIKE A COCK" - win a book compo 

  Authors Ben & Jack have put together lots of
  photos of stuff that looks like penises, and
  last week we announced we had 6 to give away to
  the best answers to our tie-breaker, "I love
  cock because..." The winners include:
  * "...I'm a cunt" (Barbarossa)
  * "...it's only gay if you put both balls in
     your mouth at once!" (mediocre)
  * "...when in the bath with a broom-on you can
     pretend you're a pirate ship." (St.Minimus)
  * "...I've only got one leg." (Rudolph The
     REddache Reindeer)
  * "...I had mine cut off and made into a mimsy.
     I have photos!" (Jayneflakes)
  * "...it helps me forget about the cancer."
    (Sister Nutmeat)

  And if you fancy buying the book, then you'll
  be wanting the Amazon linky won't you?


  Because those pills are simply evil
  Last week we had the shits and we asked you for
  suggestions to bung us up.

  * CARBON OVERLOAD - "An old colleague of mine
  - he was ex-army - used to recommend about 4
  rounds of well-blackened toast. Apparently,
  soldiers used to do this on patrol before they
  had the luxury of imodium." (tombazza)

  * NO FIBRE - "Eat a high-protein, low-fibre
  diet. I've done just that this week, eating
  lots of meat and cheese and no broccoli at all.
  I went for three days between shits, and by the
  time it came out it felt like it was tearing me
  a new one." (Flake)

  * BISTO - "Re your request for alternative ways
  of curing the shits. My dear old mum always
  swore Bisto powder was ideal for diarrhoea.
  She'd say it didn't actually cure it as such,
  but certainly thickened it up nicely!" (Stu)

  * STATINS - "Since my doctor said I had to take
  statins to lower my cholesterol in case I die
  later on in life, I've been bunged up like lard
  in the sewer outside a chip shop."

  There you go. Who needs doctors?


  Results from the Christmas Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design Christmas
  cards that told the truth.

  Your favourites included:
  * EVIL - nicely sinister adaptation of the
  classic Serj Iulian original (drbroon)

  * CHIMNEY - some aspects of Christmas should
  come with a warning. This is one (Puromycin)

  * CRASH - those Christmas lights might not be a
  tree, as Santa discovers to his cost (The
  Twisted Omentum)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Frankenstein Food <<
  We think that Cadbury and Marmite should get
  together to invent the Cadbury Marmite Egg.
  Mmmm-mmm. So this week's task is to invent
  other unlikely combinations of foodstuffs that
  really should be manufactured. Challenge
  inspired by Griffy and suggested by Pytchblend


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WD40 DRUGS UPDATE - archiehollway writes,
  "WD40 is used to stop people snorting coke off
  the loos, as mentioned in the last newsletter.
  But not because it burns the nostrils; bars do
  it because if you put powder on a surface
  covered with WD40 it'll just disperse. So now
  you know."

  writes, "Here, some Cassetteboy stuff will
  feature in a TV show called '2009 Unwrapped
  with Miranda Hart'. It's on BBC2 on Wednesday
  30 December, at 10.00pm, I think." Also his
  latest vid is a departure in style - he's taken
  his friend Shaun Pubis out round London. Shaun
  improvised some raps and Cassetteboy cut it
  up into a video thing. Interesting idea.

  * BIKE LIGHT DISCOS - we asked what kids today
  do instead of waving bike lights about.
  Coobeastie writes, "If you still have an old
  Nokia 3220 from about 2004, you can get some
  clever plug-in doohickey that lets you wave rude
  messages in the air. Finally I've found
  something the fucking iPhone can't do."


  The Alien at the Bottom of the Garden

  Your Ginger Fuhrer writes - "We were asked to
  make a game for kids, to encourage them to eat
  better and take exercise. As all my instincts
  are to take the piss, it was a surprising
  commission, so I got in Matt Round and we
  worked ever so hard to make something that
  doesn't have a mocking bone in its body."

  BTW: If you want a game more suitable for
  adults why not try Blosics - a 'destroy
  buildings with physics' type thingie -
  strangely satisfying.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we're not going to write any jokes
  but actually write about being the old gits
  that we are:

  * TIME TO READ - we've got this really great
  book we want to read (Sebastian Faulk's
  Birdsong) but we haven't managed more than a
  chapter or two this week. Surely the government
  should do something about this? Maybe turn off
  children and the internet from 7 to 9 every

  * MORE HOURS TO SLEEP - last night we went to
  bed at 7:30pm and we're still tired. What about a
  40hr day and at least 25 of these dedicated to

  * CUPS OF TEA THAT NEVER GO COLD - we're always
  microwaving ours. How do you cope with cold tea?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chimpo2k,
  mjd96, will, Ed Blackadder, Mr Gear, Doogie Talons,
  Jen, Monty Propps, Dr. Dee, Christian Heilmann,
  shanereynolds, jamescarlyle1. Game via Swany.
  Cute via tom_pleasant. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Exu.
  Sickipedia via mr stu pidtwat.


  BBC News Headlines read, "Cheques to be phased
  out by 2018." Fucking hell, not again. Hitler
  tried that in 1939.

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