NEWSLETTER: "CRASHING INTO YOUR INBOX LIKE A FAULTY TOYOTA"
This Week:
* PRINTY - Royal Semi-Nude Calendar
* CELEBS - with shorter legs!
* REVIEWS - Crap apps!
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're taxing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... heavily"
B3ta email 414 - 05 FEB 2010
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue414/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Apple Magic Mouse
Seeing as we're shit at selling ads then let's
link to the last product we bought on Amazon -
the lovely Apple Magic Mouse. Yeah yeah, you
might think all Apple products are for tossers
but give this a go - the whole top area is
touch-sensitive and works for scrolling. In
practise, this works beautifully and means
there's no scroll-wheel to get clogged up with
horrid gunk. Pricey mind you, but we're so
rich from ad-sales we don't care.
http://snurl.com/ua3zr
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Calendar, Sheep and Paul McKenna
>> 2010 Royal Semi-Nude Calendar <<
Your favourite aristocrats relaxing in all
their horse-faced, big-eared glory as nature
intended, thanks to some skilled Photoshop work
from Grampa. Somebody really needs to put this
into production - it'd be awesome up in the
office.
http://snurl.com/hrhnudey
>> The best of Sheep! <<
A feast of camera trickery from b3ta stalwart
Sheep! "Some of these should be familiar to
long time b3ta fans - a compilation of my old
and not so old GIF anims."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/GIF_Anim_Compilation
>> Masturbation with Paul McKenna <<
Chopshop and TV mind-rapi-- er, hypnotist
McKenna help you deal with difficult cravings.
Bonus points if you can knock one out while
watching this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Masturbation_with_Paul_M...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The soundtrack to your lives
Last week we asked for the music that have
accompanied moments of joy, tedium or tragedy:
http://b3ta.com/questions/soundtrack/
Here's three that aren't about orgasms:
* DEAD CAN DANCE - "I work in the film industry.
My friend, John, does animatronics. You know,
the radio-controlled mechanical puppets they
used to use for doing monsters before CGI came
along and replaced them all (sorry John!). A
marathon drinking session resulted in the
following agreement, sealed by drunken handshake.
If I die before I'm 35 John will rig me up so
that at my funeral I will sit up straight out
of my coffin and perform the dance moves to the
opening bars of Thriller before disappearing out
of sight behind the curtain."
(pixel_fucker)
* JEFFERSON AIRPLANE - "I flew to Germany a
couple of years ago and as we came in for the
final approach, wings dipped low over the Dresden
skyline, my iPod decided, from the 5,560 tracks
available, to launch into a stirring rendition of
the Dam Busters Theme. If I'd had speakers I
would have broadcast it to the entire plane."
(Albert Marshmallow)
* BIG COUNTRY - "I always thing of Dolly Parton's
Jolene just before exams, and it always makes me
smile and relax. Why? Because of the immortal
answer one of my classmates gave on his mock-A2
Music Tech Paper: Q: Describe why this style of
music is known as "Country" A: Because that woman
sounds like a goat."
(Sivvus)
>> This Week's Question: Celebs I Hate <<
We know you pretend to not care about celebrities
and all that stuff, but we also know you have a
secret and detailed list of the ones that you hate:
http://b3ta.com/questions/famebacklash/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Celebrities with short legs <<
Inexplicably pleasing gallery of long-legged
celebrities and supermodels, photoshopped to
make them look dumpy. Or, well, dwarfy.
http://snurl.com/goshortie
>> 'God hates fags' tries San Francisco <<
Religious extremists attempt an anti-gay
demonstration in Frisco. They are literally
hidden from sight by the descending crowd of
pranksters, eager to try out their own
home-made gag signs.
http://snurl.com/godhatesflags
>> Awesome MS Paint CV <<
Computer graphics expert renders his entire
online resume in MS Paint. Ballsy move but, hey,
it's memorable.
http://www.squicky.org/
>> Fugpaint <<
FugPaint is a malevolent painting program, with
built-in misbehaviour guaranteed to foil your
every attempt at drawing a picture. Much like
GIMP then! Sorry, did we really say that?
http://www.benfry.com/fugpaint/
>> The talking sex-bot <<
Inventor unveils $7,000 interactive sex doll,
the world's most sophisticated masturbation
aid. Pity, then, that it looks like Catherine
Tate with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. "Look at my
face, is my face bovvered? Face? Bovvered?"
Marked NSFW in case you work with a Dalek and
it starts shooting white wee wee.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/02/01/sex.robot/index...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Now available on your iPad Nano
>> Live webcast fail <<
Unfortunate nerds trying a live webcast
unwittingly open a portal to hell.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Live_Webcast_Fail
>> Labyrinth Zone with lyrics <<
Singalonga Sonic the Hedgehog, in this
soundtrack to the game's much-hated underwater
level. Great ending.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Labyrinth_Zone_with_Lyri...
>> Amazing Aliens rap <<
From the same guy who did the Predator Rap
comes this extraordinarily comprehensive
lyrical trip through the second Alien film.
Lots of neatly-inserted lines from the movie.
BTW: back in the day we had the Aliens
soundtrack on the iPod, to make walking back
home from the pub extra-scary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Amazing_Aliens_Rap
>> The Dog that smiles <<
Amazingly, whenever she's happy this dog pulls
a facial expression that can be interpreted as
a smile. Although it's not as cute the face she
pulls when feeling a turbulent cocktail of
melancholy, rage and catholic guilt.
http://snurl.com/grinningdog
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It's not funny la la la
* RAPE ISN'T FUNNY - and certainly even less
funny when the rapist has a name that perfectly
describes his weapon of choice. (via Dan dan
dan)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/849574...
* AUSTRALIAN COCK-TITS - Sir Isaac "Isaac"
Mangang writes, "It may not be a corporate
logo, but in the B3TA spirit of things, I
happened to capture Australian Channel 9
newsbot Kellie Connolly recently, proudly
displaying what can only be described as a big
cock on her chest (complete with "clever"
cleavage japseye):
http://snurl.com/cocktop
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the iPad Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mock the iPad
Your favourites included:
* STICKY - a side-by-side comparison
between the iPad and its closet
competitor, a small blob of blu-tak
(Bad Horsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9891074
* TOY - the iPad's inspiration may come
as something of a surprise (mofaha)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9890746
* REALITY - the true value of the iPad
revealed through the majesty of
animated gif (RarelyEvil)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9895197
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ipad/
>> New challenge: Save ITV <<
With ad revenue in the toilet, dwindling
ratings, regional news to be abolished
after the election, and Adam Crozier as
boss, what can possibly save the nation's
favourite lowest-common-denominator
broadcaster? Challenge suggested by Joe
Scaramanga
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/itv/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Lots and lots and lots of stuff
>> Ashen's Tech Dump: Retro Games <<
Deadpan tech critic Dr Ashen turns his scathing
glance upon "the Department for Trade and
Industry's Fun Pack 1986 - a collection of
three classic games which were no fun, no good
and not real." Props to Ashen for getting the
Beeb to pay for this.
http://snurl.com/techdump
>> How to Help Social Network Addicts <<
"This is the latest in a series of animations
I've made," explains Splicker. Nicely graphic
guide to weaning yourself off of the Facebooks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_Help_Social_Netwo...
>> Egg-timer entertainment <<
"I thought you guys might like this project of
ours: an egg-timer that finds a YouTube video
to match your boiling time," explains Will.
It's currently showing us a tornado while lunch
is cooking - awesome!
http://www.eggwatchers.com
>> Crap + Apps = Crapps <<
"I've made made this site to highlight the crap
apps that people have been making to try and
get rich off the back of the iphone bandwagon,"
explains Harry Fridge. Contribute crap app
reviews of your own or just enjoy the snarky
quality of the writing.
http://crapps.co.uk
>> Fuggy Fuggy <<
Clever little animation, as the McLeod
Brothers' hapless ninja must use his reasoning
skills to defeat a horde of spear-wielding
scarlet ogres.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Home-made music <<
"I think it's time we did away with fancy
'guitars', 'keyboards' and 'drums' and instead
turned our attention to the mundane, everyday
objects like that pen on the side with its end
chewed off, or that slightly mouldy 50p coin
rattling over there," yells Mazza558, as he
storms the barricades. "If you rig up your
microphone to pick up any sound and manipulate
it live, y'can do all sorts of slightly
psychedelic things. Observe:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FRIDAY GAME
Game using just the scroll wheel
We once had an idea about making a game with a
scroll wheel - you'd rub it and it would
simulate female masturbation. We even tried to
pitch it once but there were no buyers for that
one. Anyway - here's a much more tasteful take
on that up-and-down rolling motion.
http://www.recordtripping.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RSS DOPPLEGANGER - mellamaphone asks, "I
subscribe to a lot of RSS feeds for a wide
variety of sites. It'd be great if someone made
a database-type thing where you enter a list of
your feeds, then it tells you how many people
subscribe to the same combination of sites. I
don't know why, but the idea fascinates me."
* CANCER - Nevillebartos asks, "I'm sat in a
Harley Street cancer centre getting pumped full
of chemo whilst reading this week's newsletter
to get over my bollock cancer. That has got to
rank up there as a pretty hardcore reading
experience. Are other b3tans able to top that?"
* THE WANKLET - Millwallant asks, "A blanket
with sleeves and a hole cut in it for your
penis for those late night sofa masturbation
sessions. To be honest, I may just cut a hole
in the wife's slanket so I can get a mention in
next week's issue too!"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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: THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by spiritleader,
BrianGilmore, escherspencil Griffy Savalas,
sinisterduck, The_Fiend, redazril, Darklord,
WiggZ and Jimbotfu. Top Tippery by thyrf.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via The Great Architect.
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: TOP TIP:
Motion your head in a circular fashion to see
the contents of the microwave as it's going
round.
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: SICKIPEDIA:
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my
latest rape joke. She said no, but I just went
ahead and told her anyway.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
