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This Week:
* EXPERIMENTS - Human vs Rat!
* ENLIGHTENMENT - By looking at, err, you'll see
* READ IT - English as She is Spoke 

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Taking photos of our
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  cocks and then deleting
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    them... together"

B3ta email 442 - 20 Aug 2010

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  Piss sticks, we're linking Amazon again
  Why is the Klaxons album art work like some
  shit old b3ta photoshop from about 2003?

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We actually had an ad this week then it was
  moved to next week, ho hum. Talk to us. We will
  help you.


  Other than making love to their hands

  >> Human vs Rat <<
  "Rats are good at solving mazes," points out
  Tom Scott. "So are humans. But which is
  better?" There's only one way to find out:

  >> Enlightenment <<
  Truly incredible tool enables you to harness
  the entirety of universal wisdom, from Joel and
  the boys.

  >> 8-bit YouTube <<
  Faceburger imagines a world where YouTubes were
  invented in 1985.

  >> I'm On A Boat (Chiptune Cover + Female Vocals) <<
  "Here's us on a boat in Florida Keys doing a
  music video to our Lonely Island cover,"
  squeals superpowerless. We're not sure if
  superpowerless is the lady with the breasts,
  the gentleman with the beard, or the dog with
  the hat. But clearly this vid has something for
  every taste.


  >> Sad news from Joel <<
  "Hi dudes," writes Joel Veitch. "Our kitten
  Monster Truck has been murdered by a psycho
  dog. Poor little sod. He was a lovely little
  cat. It happened on Sunday but it's made me too
  sad to write about it till now. Guess I'm
  getting soft as I get older. I've popped the
  story up here:


  Lies that got out of control

  Last week saw panic and confusion within the 
  B3ta community as we asked you to tell the truth
  about lying. All the stories you see here are 
  100 per cent accurate. We think.

  * DEAD GIRL – When I was six, my parents used 
  to ask me what I'd done at school that day. 
  Invariably, I would tell them a small white 
  lie. One day, I told them "a little girl got 
  knocked over by a car outside school and died", 
  which was a complete fabrication. Cue panicked 
  phone calls, and when my dad dropped me off 
  the next morning there was a huge crowd of 
  parents and journalists outside, some with 
  flowers, while the head was being accused of 
  staging some sort of cover-up. Nobody worked 
  out the source of the rumour, but I vividly 
  remember the lengthy shouting-at I got from 
  both parents when I got home. (sanityclause)
  * SKINHEAD - I was 14, and decided it would
  be a good idea if I shaved my head. I asked my 
  mum if I could have a Grade 1 but she refused 
  because she thought I'd look like a thug. So 
  I did it anyway, and dumped the cuttings in 
  the bin. Worried about at what mum would say, 
  I tied a sweatshirt around my head. "We were
  playing football and I wanted to be Ruud 
  Gullit, and this looks like I have dreads," 
  I lied. Come Monday morning, I was still 
  wearing the jumper, but she pulled it off to
  reveal my shaven head. "It just fell out over 
  the weekend," I lied again, and she booked me 
  an appointment with the doctor straight away 
  as I "might have a serious illness". It was 
  only as we pulled up outside the surgery that
  I fessed up, and felt terrible about it. Years 
  Later, I found out she'd known all along 
  because she'd seen the hair cuttings in the 
  bin. She just wanted how long I'd keep wearing 
  a jumper on my head. (Monkey the Chicken)
  * SPACEMAN - I've always been a massive liar, 
  so when my Year 1 teacher asked me what my 
  Dad's job was during class, I chose not to 
  answer with "Youth Worker", which even at the 
  age of six struck me as pant-wettingly dull. 
  Instead I opted for "Astronaut". Amazingly, 
  I seemed to get away with it, and everyone 
  was suitably awe-struck. Sadly, this also 
  included the teacher, who asked if my 
  astro-dad would be able to come and give a 
  talk to the class about his amazing life.
  I looked at her witheringly, and replied 
  "Of course he can't. He's in space." (kirst0s)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We're knocking together our own version of
  Final Destination (only without all the blood
  and stuff), so we're asking you to tell us of 
  your lucky escapes:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Justin Bieber 800% slower <<
  The adorable pop moppet's U Smile is vastly
  improved by slowing him down 800%. Lovely,
  ambient sound, like a child-sized whale.

  ALSO: lifehacker shows how to make your own
  slowed-down classics. We particularly liked
  the Rick Astley video in the comments.

  >> "English as She is Spoke" <<
  Fantastically incompetent 19th-century
  Portuguese-English phrasebook. Neither of the
  authors could speak English is the problem.
  Still, A for effort. Download the PDF here:

  >> Useful installer website <<
  Great site, if you need to set up a
  freshly-installed PC. Just select the apps you
  want from the list and it generates an
  auto-installer. No dialogue boxes, no options,
  just the standard installs without aggro.

  >> Unicorn being a jerk <<
  Further adventures of the mythical beast who
  inspired the term "dickhead".


  Like a big video thing at a gig but smaller

  >> Fuck me Ray Bradbury <<
  Your guide to making a hit internet video. 1.
  Write a song about a geeky hero. 2. Get it sung
  by a lady who's not averse to showing a little
  flesh. 3. Keep doing it until a TV or film
  company gives you lots of cash. (Our version
  would be Lily Cole sings Matthew Smith, The

  >> Smells Like Teen Spirit vs Rockin' Robin <<
  One of those shitty mashup things - but better
  than most as A. it all fits together rather
  well and B. The chirpiness of the backing track
  contrasts will Kurt's doomy singing to create

  >> This makes no sense <<
  Just sit back and let it wash over you. Like
  Salvador Dali wanking on your cheeks.

  >> Wonders of the Stoner System <<
  "M'colleague DJ Rubbish made this cut-up of
  Brian Cox," writes Cassetteboy. 

  >> Utterly awful cover of Sweet Child O' Mine <<
  "Wait 'til the drums 'kick in'," writes
  Jamie_W, "I did a massive lol." You'll last
  less than a minute, but it's a glorious minute.
  We can't decide if they're being shit on
  purpose - funny either way, mind you.

  >> Salvador Dali on "What's My Line?" <<
  Not a sketch. This really happened and it's 
  10 minutes of the most entertaining television
  we've ever watched. Thanks internet for giving
  us this treat.


  Results from the Dragon's Den Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent inventions

  Your favourites included:
  * OUT - A machine that identifies one's sexual
  leanings doesn't go down well with all the
  Dragons (bennyhillslovechild)

  * DARTH - Lord Vader receives funding for an
  unusual venture (CatDog)

  * CARPET - inoffensive religious joke ahoy

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Invent a Word <<
  This week's challenge is to invent a new word
  by changing one letter of a word that already
  exists, then illustrate the result. Confused?
  Think "Ambiduxtrous" - the ability to hold a
  duck in either hand. Challenge suggested by The
  Coast of Yemen


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TA BOARD MAKES AN ALBUM, Dave! writes,
  "ALBUMHOLE! Featuring (in no particular order)
  Dave!, The Slapdash Rapper, Kids in mono,
  Cyriak, Count Vanderhoff, Burning bright,
  Thomas the search engine, mr.dogshit, c_kick,
  K-lyd, TheColonel and Broken Science."

  * SPONGMONKEYS GAME - Joel Veitch writes, "We
  Like The Moon is now available on Rock
  Band! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've got We Like
  The Moon live on the Rock Band network! YEAH!"

  THE MOON - as requested by Brian himself in
  last week's newsletter. Thanks to Emma Haxton
  for starting this.

  * INSPIRATIONAL EMAILS - splorp writes, "Just
  thought I would drop you a quick email to thank
  you for B3ta's ongoing inspiration to do web
  stuff. You featured my very silly site
  www.tiddles.co.uk in newsletter 145 (I think,
  or was it 125?) and the resulting massive
  response I got from around the world was
  enormous fun and showed me what larks could be
  had setting up an online community. Fast
  forward a few years and I was diagnosed with
  Type One diabetes and so having learnt from my
  tiddles.co.uk experience, I set up a somewhat
  irreverent and slightly humorous diabetes
  community at shootuporputup.co.uk, which
  readers tell me has helped in a small way to
  change people's lives for the better. Which is
  nice. Then having seen you guys doing
  interviews with famous people, I thought I
  could have a crack at that and so contacted a
  bunch of famous diabetics. As a result I'm now
  collecting questions from my readers to ask
  diabetic uber-sportsman-God Sir Steve Redgrave,
  who agreed to do an interview. This is pretty
  cool. So there we have it - just thought I'd
  let you know that B3ta, oddly enough, has been
  a genuine inspiration."

  * ARE YOU AMBIWANKSTROUS? skidrowpete replies,
  "Yes I am ambiwankstrous. Why? Because Jasper
  Carrott once said it feels like someone else if
  you use your left hand, so I tried it. It was
  odd at first but now I am a pro." Whereas
  Lurker wishes he was so lucky as, "it feels
  so much bigger in the wrong hand."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * API FUN - use the Radio 1 API data to create
  isChrisMoylesOnRadio1.com, a valuable warning
  service for people considering tuning in. (Matt

  * IPHONE MOCKERY - See if signal bars drop when
  the cat puts its paw on the antenna join; if
  so, blog post "iPhone 4 Not For Cats" = traffic
  win (Again, Matt Round. Hi Matt!)

  * TONY BLAIR HATRED - ian.n.paterson asks, "You
  probably haven't heard but that arsehole Tony
  Blair is releasing his book this week. To
  appease his conscience, he is donating all
  proceeds from the book to the British Legion.
  As much as I hate the warmongering little twat
  and want to start things like Facebook groups
  to boycott Waterstones for hosting the launch
  and not buying the rancid little turd's tome I
  had a much better idea. Let's all buy the book
  as a sign of wanting the proceeds to go to such
  a worthy charity. Then let's organise bonfires
  around the country to burn the books as a mass
  sign of how much we hate him. A few Tony guys
  on the top of the pyre would also be very
  satisfying." Wait, wait; Now we hate Tony & Guy?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Gingey, Dave
  Gormano, Dave! the_spoon, FixedNoseFace!
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  Ever come down in the morning, cooked up some
  porridge and found that you've run out of salt?
  Knock one out into your porridge and stir in
  thoroughly for a low-sodium alternative.

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