we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* OWLS - with hangovers
* COWELL - with a smile
* TWAT - with a gun

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're writing the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletter from free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cafe wifi... together"

B3ta email 443 - 27 Aug 2010

Read this issue on your web enabled penis:

   Sexy people:  [email protected]
        Scum:  [email protected]

  Greetings cards that take no prisoners

  B3tans! If you ever manage to cure your crushing
  social anxiety and managed to bag a partner the
  next problem is - what card do you buy them for
  their birthday? What about "Happy Birthday from
  the Gay Mafia", or maybe you're into cross
  stitching and want an embroidered "lovely girl"
  or even a Mad Men inspired "Happy Birthday
  Cocksucker". Get spending because there's
  something to delight (or offend) anyone here.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Cowell, Things and Fictional Companies

  >> Good old Simon Cowell <<
  "Here's something I did for the BBC Comedy
  people," beams Cyriak. Unsettling adventures of
  a beaming Simon Cowell.

  >> Things <<
  Baldmonkey has been to the seaside. Here's his
  exuberant scat-singing celebration of the
  existence of objects. Kind of mesmerising.

  >> 8-Bit Pwny Club 4 <<
  Jonti and chums discuss the worst companies to
  work for - if you live in a computer game.


  Narrow Escapes

  Last week we asked how you'd dodged the Grim
  Reaper and lived to tell us the tale. Some of
  these will raise goose-bumps:

  * Pub, Shepherds Bush, early Saturday afternoon.
  My girlfriend and I were having a quick pint
  before heading into town for a spot of shopping.
  There were a number of QPR supporters, all in
  good spirits, the atmosphere was jovial and
  upbeat. We'd nearly done when two men ran in
  to a group in the far corner. 'Leeds are here!'
  They jumped up and started making calls. Peering
  out of the window behind me, I saw about 30-40
  grown men swaggering towards us, 'LEEDS! LEEDS!
  LEEDS! LEEDS!' We decided to sit tight and stay
  out of it. The two crowds met and started beating
  seven shades of shit out of one another. We 
  tried to stay calm, but this was incredibly hard
  with windows being smashed around us. I saw my
  girlfriend's eyes widen; over my shoulder she'd
  seen coming towards the pub a 20 stone Leeds
  hooligan, arms raised holding a manhole cover.
  He was laughing as he got closer, loving what
  he was doing. He kept motioning as if to throw
  it as he got closer. Now right up against the
  window, gurning with delight, he raised the
  manhole above his head once more and took a
  step backwards. 'Get under the table,' I ordered
  my girlfriend. I sat transfixed as the beast
  moved another step back manhole held high. He 
  took one more step and then just collapsed! His
  leg had gone straight down the uncovered drain.
  20 stone of twat hurtled towards the floor,
  smashing his ballbag into the edge of the hole.
  The cover crashed to the floor, narrowly missing
  his head. I slipped down from my seat and under
  the table, pissing myself with laughter."
  (Monkey the Chicken)
  * About six or seven, on one of those fancy
  sleeper train things hurtling across the south
  of France, up to my armpits in X-men comics and
  warm Coca-Cola. My family had all hit the hay
  when too much warm coke found me blearily
  making my way to the loo. After relieving myself,
  I got caught in one of those weird intersection
  like parts of train, the joining bits between
  the carriages. One was locked and had a blacked
  out window. The other was similarly blacked out,
  but when I tried the door... WHOOOOOOSH!!! There
  was the French countryside in all its 100mph
  glory. I was clinging onto the door for dear life,
  feeling my grip slip away, knowing that my brief
  life was coming to an end. Then my mum grabbed
  me by the scruff of the neck and pulled me back
  inside. My father went completely ballistic at
  the train guards. 'LE FUCKING DOOR-PORT, WHAT
  LE FUCK?!' French was never his strong suit."
  * "My grandad was one of the unfortunates who was
  rescued at Dunkirk. He was in the midst of
  clambering onto a fishing boat when he felt a
  blinding pain, and realised he had been shot four
  times... with one bullet. It entered his right
  buttock at such an angle that it exited near the
  bunghole, re-entered his left buttock and exited
  the other side. Luckily, he never proudly showed
  his scars.

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We've opened the B3ta confessional in honour of
  the Pope's impending visit to the UK. Got anything
  you need to get off your chest?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Hung-over owls <<
  Generally speaking we hate birds, but then the
  only birds we see are horrid London pigeons,
  with dirty feathers, pecking at fag-ends in the
  gutter. Owls are a different matter, but they
  should never, ever be mocked like this.

  >> Disturbing cartoon <<
  If we could travel in time we'd make an alarm
  clock snooze button that would let us stay in
  bed 5 minutes longer and keep pressing it so
  we'd probably end up getting up for school aged
  70. Oops. Others have different ideas:  

  >> Crabs smoking cigarettes <<
  More animal abuse masquerading as internet
  lols. Still, we laughed, then felt guilty and
  then celebrated our moral indecision with a
  crab sandwich.

  >> You'll never look at a duck the same way <<
  Go on, look closely - their beaks look exactly
  like a dog mask. (Actually we tried this with a
  real duck in a duck pond the other day and they
  move too quickly to get a fix on, so this
  illusion only works well with photos.)

  >> Website poster <<
  Cool idea for a poster here. Take the favicon
  of sites (those 16 pixel wide icons that appear
  in the address bar of the browser) and blow
  them up to the relative traffic of the site.
  We'd def consider getting one, but there isn't
  a clear bit of wall space in B3ta HQ since our
  last dirty protest.

  >> Facebook through history <<
  If historical events had facebook statuses.
  Simple format for gags we've seen before but
  it's easy win this stuff, isn't it? 


  Like big TV from wrong end of telescope

  >> David McCandless on data visualisation at TED. <<
  We remember Mr McCandless from before his recent
  rise to fame with the InformationIsBeautiful
  column - he once sent us a book to feature
  (Internet: The Book!) and then, to say
  thank-you, he sent us presents in the post which
  kept us awake for nearly 36 hours - if only
  everybody who wanted a PR puff was so thoughtful.

  >> New Simon's Cat! <<
  What worried us about Simon's Cat is that they
  only live, say, 15 years or so, and now Simon's
  cat is so famous poor Simon will probably spend
  most of his life drawing a dead cat.

  >> WHAT A TWAT! <<
  Bloke thinks he is a hard man and makes a vid
  then puts it on the internet for loads of
  people to lol at. Actually, time to 'fess up.
  It's the snake that does it for us.

  >> Ringtone drummer <<
  Here's a lesson in what difference a bit of
  good drumming can make to a dull track. Frankly
  we want to get this guy to improve all our
  crappo demos.

  >> How to catch a seagull in 6 easy steps <<
  More animal abuse! The Royal Society for the
  Prevention of Birds will have something to say
  about this.

  >> Demented Soca video <<
  "Soca or soul calypso is a form of Popular West
  Indian music originated in the islands of
  Trinidad and Tobago" - thanks Wikipedia. This
  is how Ricky Gervais should have made the
  finale to The Office. 


  Not a funny name but...

  Collapsibletank writes in with this glorious
  paedo logo. It's a theme we've seen before, but
  such a fine example we thought we'd share:


  Results from the Inventing Words Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent a 
  new word by changing one letter of a 
  word that already exists

  Your favourites included:
  * HIPPONOTAMUS - anything that doesn't
    resemble a hippo (Captain Howdy)

  * MYSTERECTOMY - taking all the suspense
    out of a movie by revealing spoilers
    to someone who hasn't seen it 

  * FOREPLOY - the practice of obtaining
    sex by deception (Afinkawan)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Making Things Worse <<
  Find a normal photo of normal people 
  doing normal things, then add in the 
  worst thing that could possibly happen, 
  introducing unexpected and unlikely 
  danger to the situation. Challenge
  suggested by mike waz ere.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SPONSOR A B3TAN - MrGomez writes, "I've been
  a B3tard for 7 years, so I thought I could ask
  a favour off you lovely people. B3tards aren't
  well-known for our physical skillz. So I'm
  probably the worst person to decide to do an
  ultra-marathon. But me and my mate Colin are
  doing 5 and a half marathons in 6 days to raise
  money for Age UK. Feel free to flame the crap
  out of me. OR you can sponsor us here."

  * PINK FLOYD SPED UP - Canazza writes, "Since
  everyone seems to love those slowed-down songs,
  I thought I'd speed up a slow one. Here's Shine
  On You Crazy Diamond  at 300%. When they start
  to sing it's something rather special." Heh -
  speeding it up has revealed the hidden sea
  shanty within. Altogether now!

  * MISSING PERSON - Esme Weatherwax is hoping
  B3ta could work a bit like a milk bottle in the
  80s and writes, "My cousin has been missing for
  a week now. Can you repost it if you're in
  Canada or know anyone who's there? Thank you
  very much."

  * YES, JOEL CAN BE A SHIT - TimChuma writes,
  "That 60-minute enlightenment thing. Goddamn
  it! I watched all 60 minutes of it. Then '??.??
  minutes until enlightenment. TIMER ERROR PLEASE



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WORLD'S BIGGEST FUNSNAP - Can you empty about
  a 1000 of the fuckers into some thin tissue and
  drop it off a bridge?

  * FAIREST PLACE FOR LUNCH - McClairey asks, "Is
  there anything out there that will tell me what
  the easiest destination is for two people in
  different bits of London to get to (via Tube,
  bus or shoe)? Example being, I work in Camden,
  and my missus works in Clerkenwell. I would
  like to meet up for lunch in Angel, but I am
  not sure that this is the quickest place for
  both of us to get to. So it'd be a bit like TFL
  Journey Planner but more for mid-points than
  end-points. Please help, clever b3tans."

  right painus in the anus trying to write this
  newsletter from a cafe in Cromer.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by sinisterduck, Funt,
  mrmonkfish, SockCooker, panik,
  LemonEntryMyDearWatson, prince-igor, King of
  Beers, pissflaps, The_Fiend, PokeHQ, and
  Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel automatic.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  Woken up feeling a bit miserable? Cheer
  yourself up and make the day seem like a
  special occasion by cutting your toast into

next issue »
« previous issue