NEWSLETTER: "OSBOURNE: LET THEM EAT CAKE"
This Week:
* CAT - vs printer, translated
* CUTS - Sir Ian Bowler sings
* GIFS - Emote glossary
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're kicking the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | poor with a Tory
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| boot... together"
B3ta CD-Rom 451 - 22 Oct 2010
Read this issue backwards and summon Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue451/
Spend: [email protected]
Cut: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
XXX Factor shocker!
X Factor's loved-up contestants papped in
raunchy porn shop. Susan Boyle implicated.
http://bit.ly/SuBos_X_Factor_Scandal
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
...and we'll sit in cyber-beans for, well beans.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than producing excessive earwax
>> The cat vs printer - Translated <<
Tremble, IT support nerds: your days are
numbered. "This may have already been done,"
shrugs Slurpy J. "But I only saw it recently
and this is the first thing that came into my
mind."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_cat_vs_the_printer_T...
>> Green Zone deleted scene <<
"I can see why they left this out," claims
ratbanjos of this extra scene from the Matt
Damon thriller.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Green_Zone_Deleted_Scene
>> Sir Ian Bowler on The Cuts <<
Fragrant Tory spokesman Sir Ian Bowler sings a
little song about the Comprehensive Spending
Review. via Natt.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_on_The_Cu...
>> Dan Bull pirate rap <<
None of that 'Talk Like a Pirate' bollocks
though, as Dan once again vents his spleen on
the record industry's big boys for picking on
the Pirate Bay. Right on! Edited by the
delightful Joe Rigby, and directed by B3ta's
very own Russ Houghton.
http://bit.ly/a1sGGA
>> Up the bum <<
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. "This brings the
'Touching things is fun' trilogy to a close,"
brags koit. In future, this will stand up there
with Kieslowski's Three Colours trilogy. But
the colours will be brown, yellow and a sort of
spunky white.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/upthebum.php
>> X Factor compactor <<
Live everyone's dream of mashing up Simon
Cowell's face with Dannii, using this
entertaining little online toy. Cheers Q4nobody!
http://www.q4nobody.co.uk/xfactor.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Things to do before you die
Last week we asked what was on you wish list of
things to do before you died and, crucially,
why. Go read dadadali's humbling piece on dying
of a "bizarre auto-immune illness":
http://b3ta.com/questions/wishlist/
* "Twelve years ago, a friend and I were
leaving school forever. We made up a list of
things we had to accomplish now that we walked
in the world of men. I still have it; a useful
reminder of what, as young teens, we felt were
important achievements. Here are a select few:
+ Foil a baddy in the execution of his duties
+ Find an amount of money exceeding 100 pounds
+ Make an enemy cry with a witty rejoinder
+ Lance a boil
+ Boil a lance, for the fuck of it
+ Catch someone who is falling (preferably with
one hand, height of fall irrelevant)
+ Egg on a street fighter
+ Shrug nonchalantly. Mean it.
+ Faint
+ Chair a meeting stood up, pacing, and smoking
a cigar
+ Serenade the wrong window
+ Have a drink slid to me by a stranger in an
apron
+ Be cursed
+ Arm-wrestle a lesbian
+ Rue the day
+ Visit a celebrity in prison. Demand that they
stop writing me letters.
+ Kick out a farmer
+ Fool a camel
Still working on most of them."
(Wet chinned bag-shanker)
* "My boy is 20 tomorrow and before I die I
would love to see him crying, sobbing, on the
sofa in front of me begging for help. Tired
beyond belief, unable to speak, eyes rolling
round in sockets that have bags the size of
suitcases under them. Wondering to himself how
he got in this mess. Unsure if his life will
ever be the same again. Thinking he has made a
terrible, terrible mistake. Then I can scoop up
the bundle of screaming, red faced, crying
grandchild into my arms and make it all better.
Pour all my heart into something my dearest
love in the world has produced, and spoil them
all to death. I fucking can't wait to be a
grandma." (Dr.Caligari's cabinet maker)
* "I really want to teach a parrot to say
"Help! They've turned me into a parrot!" (Count
Vanderhoff)
>> This Week's Question: Relationships <<
How crap is your relationship? What has your
partner done that's convinced you the magic's
gone? "Breathe" is not an answer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/relationships/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> GIF Glossary <<
Despite the onslaught of new technologies, the
animated gif shows no signs of dying. Pretty
lucky really as it's what B3ta is mostly known
for. That, and celebrating kittens before the
internet went all lolcatty.
http://jezebel.com/5664134/the-comprehensive-gif-g...
>> Secretary Cat <<
This week B3tans have been mostly masturbating
to photos of Justin Beiber dressed as a
schoolgirl, dogs with human cocks photoshopped
between their legs and this lady dressed as a
cat:
http://monicamenez.com/mm/mm_01.html
>> Google Teleport <<
Google SteetMaps + random = sort of
teleportation machine, and it doesn't even have
to kill you and create a replica elsewhere to
work. Not until version 2.0 anyway.
http://web.mit.edu/~jmcmicha/www/globegenie/
>> Unfunny shit on the web <<
Don't trust your own opinions? Why not read
this guy's huge list of things on the web he
finds unfunny. We can't decide if us not being
on it means A. We're amazing funny or B. We're
not culturally relevant enough to be worth
mocking. Probably the latter.
http://unfunnythings.tumblr.com/
>> Unnecessary quotation marks <<
"Funny"
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine pixels represent real events lol
>> "He moved his arms and legs today" <<
American football player makes unexpectedly
strong recovery from spinal injury.
http://goo.gl/uzXr
>> Tractor Music <<
Nice bit of fun as a band jams with a tractor.
This is what people did in the days before drum
machines.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tractor_Music
>> Racist school trip <<
Bloke reminisces about a field trip... to the
cotton fields of the southern US.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ah_childhood_memories
>> Drunk dude attacks officer with a dildo <<
What would you do if a bloke attacks you with a
dildo? You'd probably have to beat him off. etc
etc etc.
http://goo.gl/s6YN
>> How to meet European men <<
Video series that aims to teach holidaying
American women how to pick up European men. Men
are sophisticated, so don't just lean on the
furniture - dance like a stripper!
http://goo.gl/AAKc
>> Super Massive Raver vs. Diana Vickers <<
Super Massive Raver tries desperate measures to
rid his brain of X Factor contestant Diana
Vickers. Enjoyably twattish.
http://goo.gl/4PmT
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Old school phallic logo-lols
With an added squirl of jizz.
http://www.voiceoverxtra.com/calendar.htm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Squirrels Challenge
Last week we wanted you to relate the
importance of squirrels throughout history
Your favourites included:
* HITLER - der Führer's inspiration for Mein
Kampf finally revealed (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10220030
* DYLAN - subterranean homesick squirrel makes
a classic video (eclectech)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10219628)
* HATS - doink doink doink doink doink doink
doink doink doink (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10222321
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/squirrels/
>> New challenge: Spending Cuts <<
It's cut, cut, cut. The Coalition are saving
money everywhere they can by cutting back on
everything they can. Where will it end? Use
Photoshop to reveal all.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuts/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SNAILS AT THE SAATCHI - Hampster Squared
writes, "B3ta newslettered my painted snails
couple of weeks back. Since then, I won a
national competition and got to shove my snails
in the Saatchi Gallery (I don't think Mr
Saatchi himself saw them, as I gather there was
a falling out between him and the competition
people)! On the judging panel was Vic Reeves,
who wandered round and on the third viewing
suddenly exclaimed 'Oooh, they're ALIVE!' Yes,
they are indeed. Have some pics :D"
http://tiny.cc/9n1tc
* REDDIT INTERVIEWS CYRIAK - Our
second-favourite website (we're addicted to the
IAMA section) interviews B3ta's surrealist
animator.
http://goo.gl/o2f4
* WAS THAT PRISON CONFESSION STUFF BOLLOCKS? -
the punters at MeFi think so.
http://www.metafilter.com/96657/A-kind-of-forced-a...
* 1998 PROJECT UPDATE- Jon Silk writes,
"feedback keeps coming in thick and fast, a web
design company wants to build me a dedicated
1998 Project site, and Orange have got in touch
and are reducing my payment to £15 a month for
just calls and texts. Should've thought my
demands through a little better really."
http://www.1998project.com
* ISTHATCHERDEADYET - turns out that this
project was co-created by old school B3tan
@jearle who also points out some of the hate
mail he's received including:
"Fuck you all and hope YOU fucking die!"
"The #whenthatcherdies hashtag is one of the
more despicable uses of Twitter I've seen.
Website is awful too:"
"Is there a website that tells us if @jearle
and @antoniojl are dead? Because that would be
hilarious."
http://www.isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/
* MILLIGAN'S GRAVE - Robnob writes, "I went to
Spike Milligan's grave last year in St Thomas's
Church in Winchelsea but I couldn't find it. An
old chap, who I assume just waits every day for
twats like me, showed me where it is but it
didn't have the words "I told you I was ill" on
it. Oh no, it's written in Gaelic." Yep,
checking this on Wikipedia, you can even see a
photo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spike_Milligan
* JUSTIN BIEBER CORNER - Shedside has written
in to inform us that he calls the famous Bieber
hair cut a "Bieber-do", which we kinda like as
it sounds like something Scatman John might
sing.
* MILKY TEABAGS - Applecore writes, "If the
review is any indication, it must be good."
http://www.asianfoodgrocer.com/product/royal-milk-...
* MORE MILKY TEABAGS - whereas TBL writes,
"Ummm these exist. Our office has a Kenco
machine with vile 'white' PG Tips cardboard
cups full of this decrepit vileocity. I keep
asking for the non-powdered version, but there
is clearly some dependant chemical in it, as I
cannot get enough of the indigestion-inducing
bile."
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: FRIDAY GAME
95 games all disguised as work
bobbycutters writes, "I've just started to work
my way through them but some of them are real
sweet, and all conveniently disguised as Word
docs so I suppose you could get away with it at
work. The highlights for me so far is No.22 -
Paintball - level three is a huge picture of a
cock."
http://1cup1coffee.com/x/1024/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* THEBESTPLACETOSTAND - Trev asks, "I wanted to
email you about the webpages b3ta would like to
see section - I'd love to see a website called
thebestplacetostand.com, which tells you the
best place to stand at a London Underground
station to be guaranteed of getting to your
destination quicker - for example, if I'm
getting on a train at Chancery Lane and want to
get off at Tottenham Court Road to change onto
the Northern Line, then where should I stand,
at the far side, the near side, or somewhere in
the middle? It would save minutes off my
average journey time, and if everyone started
doing it, then it would help to ease Tube
congestion and reduce people stopping to a dead
halt on the platform looking like confused
cats."
* WEIRDEST SEARCH RETURNS - oxbow_lakes asks,
"Whilst searching for a still from that
election programme in 1979 where David Dimbleby
was caught chewing on a Mars bar at 5am, I
typed "dimbleby mars bar election" into Google
images, expecting the magic search goblins to
instantly produce the precise thing I was
looking for.
"Imagine my surprise when a startlingly random
array of happenstance filled the screen,
including but not limited to:
- Richard Dawkins looking at a Cricket sometime
in the 1970s
- Client Eastwood as The Man With No Name
- John Major blowing his nose
- a Green Britney Spears atop a grimacing
Hilary Clinton
- Wales
- The obligatory scantily-clad woman
"What four word search term produces the most
random array of results, and how would one go
about defining a measurement of randomness for
a sample of pictures anyway?"
* MUSHROOM IDENTIFIER - whatspauldoing writes,
"In your seemingly never-ending quest to get
geeks to make you iPhone apps, I wondered if
you could tout this as an idea. I've just moved
into a house with a north-facing garden and I
keep finding interesting mushrooms in my lawn.
The problem is I have no idea what's what in
mushroom land, so... I would like an app where
I can take a picture of the specimen and it
will come back with a likely match. I need to
know what's delicious and what's deadly!
Another problem could be that I have an Android
phone so I'd need an Android version as well,
please. Given that you are the voice of the
internets I'm sure you can sort it."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribphilia: [email protected]
Subscribicide: [email protected]
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THANKING YOUS:
This week credits have imaginary autobiography
titles in them. Issue was written by Rob 'I,
Robert' Manuel with David 'Luck of the Draw'
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by spicy_grandma,
jdkpummel, TheSnark, Philip_newzealand,
Damocles, humanthing, slippery doctore, MrKane,
Muncee, Pazuzu, Ian Woosnam. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser 'Letting the cat
out of the bag' Lewry. Mike 'The Burning
Question' Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
benito vasselini.
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TOP TIP(s):
Back in the old days we used to run genuine
tips - avoiding gags as it seemed a too obvious
rip-off of Viz. But people wouldn't stop
sending gags in so we ended up running them
anyway. However, this week we're finding time
to mention again the @Heroswitzerland project,
to collect the oddest tips found in pikey
magazines.
http://bit.ly/kXmoT
