NEWSLETTER: "MUBARAK DOUBLE QUACK DOUBLE QUACK"
This Week:
* WINDOW LICKER - singing fox
* PANCHUKS - kung fu frying pan
* JOY DIVISION - recreated in plastic
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Torie's think cuting
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | liebries a smart moove"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 466 - 11 Feb 2011
The Ginger Fuhrer - Refusing to resign since 2001:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue466/
Join us: [email protected]
Fuck off then: [email protected]
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: ANGELOS EPITHEMIOU
Sponsored linky
OMG it's Angelos here, y'know from Shooting
Stars and stuff – my new iPhone/iPod Touch app
is out, it’s got a game, soundboards, exclusive
videos, ringtones and some Mortimers etcs. Buy
it now, click this link thing...
http://tinyurl.com/angelos-i-app
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than 'whoopie'
>> Kung Fu frying pan <<
Bruce Lee breaks out the panchuku. "I started
out as a quick spang and didn't stop," confides
smaggers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bruce_Lee_Panchuku
>> Secrets from the rubble <<
Two friends trapped in a collapsing house learn
a heartbreaking secret that will change their
lives forever. "Hope you enjoy," caroos
Ornsack. "It will make up for the bollocking my
girlfriend gave me for trashing the living
room."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Secrets_from_the_Rubble
>> Foxy Fox <<
"I was having a bad day at work," moans
DefyingDarwin, "So I made this to cheer myself
up." Another cute take on the window-licking
fox vid that the kids go crazy for.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/having_a_bad_day_at_work
>> Lost sock tribute <<
A surprisingly nice thing, made from "the
fallen socks and gloves of the Holloway Road"
and a glue gun. Nice one, @pollollups.
http://j.mp/hBANqN
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Needless to say, I had the last laugh
Last week we asked for your smug tales of
getting on over somebody. Smug? Moi?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lastlaugh/
Only one story this week, but that's because it
is a wonderful thing of beauty:
* THOSE BLOKES - "It was a warm, liquid
afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at
its best. Happy people wandered the beach-front
shops, bikini-pretty and giggly - and that was
just the guys. I, however, lurched along the
pavement like a zombie with one of those nasty
little rattling Boots carrier bags: bed-hair,
bleary, snotty and a doubtless smelly young man.
And in front of me was one of Those Blokes. You
know, one of Those Blokes. Stocky, short type
with gorilla-hairy arms. Always over-tanned.
Dark hair combed back so hard its got furrows
and you can see the scalp, which always glints
hair-gel green. And, of course, a thick gold
chain around the neck. Yeah, that's right, one
of Those Blokes. I don't think I'm that
judgemental as a person, but if you are one of
Those Blokes the first thing I think on seeing
you is, 'You knob. Bet you teach PE' and I
haven't been proven wrong yet. Our particular
bloke was leant proprietorially against the boot
of a grey Ferrari, chatting up two bikini- clad
damsels who were at least a decade too young for
him. I had to lurch past, so I couldn't help but
over-hear him holding court on the merits of
this particular make. Normally I'd have said
nothing, but as he expounded fulsome details of
all that 0-60 crap, I couldn't help but mutter
sourly: 'Yeah, but the seats are too low and
clutch is an utter bitch.' Bloke shot me a look
of smug contempt, gave the Ferrari's boot a
little fatherly pat and said: 'Well I think I
know more about this kind of car than you do
"mate".' The inverted commas clanged with
sarcasm. Right up to when I haughtily unlocked
the car, threw in the Boots bag and pulled away.
Even better, he kind of froze up in cringe, so
stayed leant on the boot until it turned into
empty air. One of Those Blokes, arse first onto
the tarmac? Lovely." (IChewCandlewax)
>> This week's question: Little Victories <<
Nothing feels better than a cheque from the
Inland Revenue for £2.40 of overpaid tax. Tell
us of your own trivial victories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/littlevictories/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Should I work for free? <<
Handy chart to consult when somebody approaches
you to do some work, with no financial
compensation. And they always, always do.
http://www.shouldiworkforfree.com/
>> Make your own "Barbara Streisand" song? <<
You know that annoying song that just goes on
and on then the bloke says "Barbara Streisand"?
Well now you can make your own, with words of
your choosing. And it will be just as annoying.
http://goo.gl/GIv2D
>> Buses on screen <<
Could this be the geekiest website ever? It's a
lofty claim, but here's your one-stop resource
for information related to bus appearances in
the cinema or on television.
http://www.busesonscreen.net/screen/screen.htm
>> Tracking down Anonymous <<
Older readers may remember Anonymous, the
ominous hivemind of hackers, trolls and madness
that laps the edges of cyberspace. Here's the
cautionary tale of one man's bid to infiltrate
and identify their leaders.
http://tinyurl.com/6xhleht
>> Soundcloud visualiser <<
Visualisers have a hypnotic effect on us, so we
awoke from checking this out with dried drool
on our chin. Anyway, you can link it to your
favourite tuneage to see what it looks like.
http://www.apexvj.com/
>> Queen Mum's book of remembrance <<
Excerpted tributes to the great woman, after
she died in 2002. We remember this going down,
as there was an ongoing competition on the
popbitch messageboard to come up with the most
offensive entry.
http://bit.ly/fBB55L
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Funny line here
>> "Yup" <<
TrololololololoREMIX. Disturbing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Yup
>> Stewart Lee talks Top Gear <<
One of the world's finest stand-ups talks
painful death for the popular motoring show
presenters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stewart_Lee_on_Top_Gear
>> Bob Dylan wrote every song of the last 35 years <<
And here's the documentary proof:
http://youtu.be/MumScDIZMJc
>> Micro Men - Micro Mix <<
Swede Mason-esque re-edit of tribute to
80's-era computing. "Jet Set Fucking Willy!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Micro_Men_Micro_Mix
>> Dubstep bank ad <<
Vastly improved redub of that twattish bank ad
where they all pretend to be whacky DJs. "ISA
ISA baby" indeed.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Halifax_remix
>> Playmobil Joy Division <<
Pushing the envelope on what can be recreated
via retro toys, a shot perfect recreation of
their first moment on TV, dubbed to the audio
of the broadcast, complete with introduction by
the late, great Tony Wilson. A work of love.
http://bit.ly/i9LC4O
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like normal names, only rude
* HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION "CUNT
HAMMER"? - trust us, it's a phrase: it's on
Urban Dictionary! Here's an actress with a
similar name in French:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0539981/
* COMPANY NAME AT ODDS WITH COMPANY PHONE
NUMBER - or maybe 'so wrong it's right'
memorable marketing.
http://twitpic.com/3vplbc
* A SCHOOL NAME SO RUDE - that they use the IP
address to get to it through naughty word
firewalls. Might be easier to just change the
name of the school.
http://62.233.95.44/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Song Title Challenge
Last week we wanted you to provide literal
interpretations of song titles
Your favourites included:
* JIMI - fantastic juxtaposition of incendiary
guitarist and cow fodder (The Hedghehog From
Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10323855
* BOB - hot domestic feline science fiction
action (yanmania...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10326322
* GEORGE - Britain's leading celebrity driver
beats his juice (littlefish)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10324036
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalsongtitles/
>> New challenge: Promote Britain <<
With the coalition thinking of moving May Day
to October to lengthen the tourist season, what
else could be done advertise this great
country? Challenge suggested by monkeyboyalpha
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishtourism/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CON-DEM PINUP CALENDAR IN DAILY STAR - The UK
tabloid went big on Waspbox & asciifaceofbob's
sexy political calendar, as seen here last week.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/589303
* BEN WHEATLEY WINS AWARD FOR BEING AWESOME -
Massive congratulations to Ben Wheatley for
winning Best Newcomer prize at the Evening
Standard Film Awards for a "rare and confident
type of film-making that promises only good
things in future."
http://goo.gl/Z7Oi2
* B3TA'S QOTWS IN EBOOK FORMAT -
fredthedeadhead writes, "Over the weekend I
decided to spruce up my ebook reader by adding
some of the old Questions of the Week to it.
However, bulk downloading was a pain, and
impossible to set the metadata for each
individually. So I wrote a program to do it!
Here's the result of the first (incomplete)
batch. It's in epub format and even includes
images."
http://www.mediafire.com/
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: WHY ALCOHOL MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT
And why this won't be solved
Neurostatic writes, "Alcohol gives you a
hangover mostly because it is a 'primary
alcohol'. This means that when it is broken
down it mostly turns into a poisonous chemical,
ethaldehyde, then into a slightly less
poisonous one, ethanoic acid. If the alcohol
ingested was 'tertiary' then it would not be
possible to metabolise and would simply be
excreted whole.
"Sadly (or not, depending on your point of
view), if alcohol were invented today it would
be covered by the Misuse of Drugs Act, because
of its potential to 'cause a social problem'
and be 'misused'. This also covers any proposed
substitutes.
"Not to mention the alcohol industry, which has
a surprisingly strong influence on drug and
alcohol policy, wouldn't entertain the idea for
more than a minute.
"The most promising substitute is one already
found in small amounts in the brain. The body
'knows' exactly how to break it down and as
such it lasts about 2 hours and produces no
hangover. Called GHB, it was banned in 2003,
and another version was banned in 2009. It is
still available on prescription as an alcohol
addiction treatment and a sleep medication."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Space Cannibals
Space Cannibals is a game by @Matttound. Your
Ginger Furher helped out by writing a song you
only hear if you pass about 12 levels. Bet you
don't hear it! (that's a challenge btw.)
http://goo.gl/mOfdL
BONUS GAME! WHAT'S YOUR STREET AGE? Seeing as
promoting our own work is a bit lame, here's
another game that impressed us this week. It's
a multiple choice video thing for you to work
out your "street age" - although everyone
playing it seems to come out aged 38 - it's a
very impressive, immersive and well acted bit
of work.
http://bit.ly/gNYTQ1
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something ZOMGAMAZAGASM and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REFRESHER / RENNIE SCIENCE EXPERIMENT -
Ted_Rex claims, "I always like those refresher
sweets, cheaper than antacid tablets but more
tasty and just as effective." Can somebody do a
double blind controlled test please?
* MY BIG FAT GEEK WEDDING - a reality show
where keen internet users get married dressed
as Klingons etc.
* DELAYED EMAILS - rtyronejones asks, "Someone
pls invent a device which saves emails to send
them out in the morning so you don't seem like
an insomniac workaholic nut."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cuddles: [email protected]
Uncuddles: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @mattround,
NortonWalker, Vulva, nickie72, somegraybloke,
Fuzzyjumpers, Linbox, DaveExclamationMark, Tab
Hunter, jamesthegill, James Tong, ambergambler,
Mr_Kipling_, TheMichaelMoran, editorialgirl,
Top Tippery by sandettie light vessel
automatic. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via the ever-fragrant
@mushybees, with the runner-up tory line from
@TheRangeLoner, and we also bunged in the
ginger fuhrer line from Harry Robinson.
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TOP TIP:
Give yourself a rather sweaty arse by
fabricating some underwear from an electric
blanket and sit watching TV all evening.
