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This Week:
* STUTTER - The King's Rap
* DRUNK - Toddler rampage
* SICKBAG - Royal wedding souvenir

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're dobbing you     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    in to the 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    social... together"

B3ta email 467 - 18 Feb 2011

Read this issue. Go on, you shit!

       Re-elect:  [email protected]
    Overthrow:  [email protected]

  Knob Creek whiskey 

  Piss. We haven't sold an ad therefore we're
  going to linky up some shit on Amazon. This
  week's lucky product we're picking because it
  has a silly name, although, truth be told, booze
  makes our knob leak more than creak. 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Don't be a twat, buy an ad. (tm)


  Vintage pics, Horses, Choices, Kettling and The King's Speech
  >> Historic StreetView <<
  "Way back in an April 2010 newsletter, you said
  you'd like to see a world-wide google map of
  vintage photography," accuses Adam. "We've
  tried to build that, with fading transitions
  from 'then' to 'now' in StreetView. It's mostly
  US-centric, apart from a handful of shots in
  the UK, but we'd love for that to change!"

  >> Unexpected horse <<
  "We were on the flea market buying compact
  cassettes when a horse showed up from nowhere,"
  exclaims kingafkong. "Luckily we had our trusty
  baking tray with us. We saved the day." Good
  comic timing.

  >> It's not a game, it's a toy <<
  Mental little multiple choice thing made by
  theBaboon. "Enjoy!" he hoots.

  >> Kettling game <<
  "I made a game about being kettled for when
  you're being kettled," explains
  Tarka_the_Frotter. "It's called... Metakettle."
  Looks like it might genuinely be fun to play on
  a long, dull weekend penned in by the fuzz.

  >> The King's Rap <<
  Dan Bull deftly leaps on the King's Speech
  bandwagon, sadly just a little too late to win
  a BAFTA for best rap-related film tie-in. "I
  spent Valentine's Day making this," confesses
  Dan. "Yes, amazingly, I am single."


  Little Victories

  Last week we asked for the pathetically tiny
  victories that you'd achieved. The more
  pathetically tiny the better. And these are so
  wonderfully pathetic:

  * HOLES - "A while ago, the people who make
    Polo mints brought out "Polo Holes", which
    were supposedly the bits that were stamped
    out of the middle. I was a schoolboy at the
    time and my English homework was to write a
    letter of complaint. I chose to complain about
    Polo Holes as the definition of a hole is a
    cavity; nothingness so by that measure the
    packet should be empty. How disappointed I was
    to find these white things in the packet. I
    promised not to take the case to trading
    standards if they sent me a years supply.
    Genius. Well-written letter, no harm done.
    Except teacher decided to mail it. Several
    days pass and I receive an unexpected parcel
    at home. Inside was a wholesale packet of
    polo tubes with one noticeable difference:
    all the packets were empty. Yes, EMPTY! The
    enclosed letter explained. We are sorry for
    your disappointment - we'd hate to fall below
    your expectations again, so we've enclosed a
    sizable supply of your definition of 'holes'.
    Don't eat them all at once!"
  * DRAG RACE - "In the days of yuppies and affordable
    petrol, before anyone had ever heard of global
    warming, I used to drive a clapped-out Jaguar
    XJS; something a bit classier than the usual
    loutish Essex boy racer cars of my contemporaries.
    At about 3am I'm driving home from London after
    a long night at work, and I pull up at a set of
    lights on the outskirts of Romford. There are
    three lanes, me in the middle and, on my left,
    a proper Essex wide boy in a silver Porsche 911.
    He starts revving like mad, inching forward in
    stops and starts, and shouting something at me.
    I look over to my right, where there are two
    young-ish blokes in a fairly fast-looking Ford
    Sierra. With a tip of my head, I indicate the
    Porsche driver and, with a barely perceptible
    nod, the passenger shows he understands perfectly.
    A few tense, adrenaline-filed moments pass before
    the light goes amber. Either side of me, I hear
    squeals whilst I sit there until the green and
    gently waft off into the night to the strains
    of the BBC World Service. The Porsche spins its
    wheels and heads for the horizon at an insane pace.
    The Sierra also waits a moment for the passenger
    to briefly tip his hat to me, before it too zooms
    into the night with as much zest and urgency as
    the Porsche, but with slightly more blue flashing
    lights on top."
  * DRUG BUST - "I'm 19. I have long hair. I am
    flouncing down the street in Kingston Upon
    Thames. It is 1992. I have a cold. I blow my
    nose and put the snotty hankie in my pocket
    just as I turn a corner. A police van full of
    Met coppers are watching me. As I pass the
    van, one says, 'Oi! Hippy... What did you
    just put in your pocket?' 'A snot rag,' I reply.
    'Empty your pockets.' I do. I hand him my
    very full snot rag. He opens it up, obviously
    hoping to find a kilo of cocaine. It's all my
    green snot. He tries to hand it me back. I
    say, 'I don't want it!' and walk off. All his
    copper mates are howling at him as he's left
    with a handful of my warm wet bogey-juice. My
    finest hour."

  >> This Week: Wanking Disasters Part II <<
  We'd like more of your stories of jerking the
  gherkin and double-clicking the mouse. Talk to
  us here, you tossers:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> People then and now photos <<
  A photo-meme that's been around on the web for
  a  while now, is getting adults to recreate
  their  childhood photos and showing them side
  by side.  We blame ZeFrank, who runs
  youngmenowme, but  artist Irina Werning is
  taking the idea and  running with it. Her
  attention to detail is  accurate to the point
  of autism and the photos  are all the more
  stunning for it.

  >> Royal Wedding Sickbag <<
  Hey, poor people! Don't worry about the
  government cuts and the potentially savings-
  destroying inflation! Wave your flags because
  some rich people are getting married!
  Thankfully a sickbag is at hand. We're going to
  need several, although mostly to wipe ourselves
  off after googling for Kate Middleton upskirt

  >> Bollards of London <<
  We like street furniture, it's oddly
  fascinating. Thankfully there's people outthere
  who share our love. Although don't tell our
  friends, as this is pretty much one step up
  from bus spotting.

  >> Sexy Pigeons <<
  Coo! Red-blooded bird fanciers will be flocking
  to this site. Pigeon chested you say? Oh yes...
  >> Ninja zombie times tables <<
  You know those moments when you find yourself
  wondering just how awesome an Abraham
  Lincoln/Platypus crossbreed would be? Well
  wonder no more with the handy Times Table of
  Awesomeness! Ideal thing to print out to give
  your kids nightmares.

  >> I'm Brian Partridge - Aha! <<
  Remember when text-to-speech software made all
  your documents sound like they were being read
  by Prof Stephen Hawking or his sister? Polish
  developers Ivona have now created a whole new
  range of voices for your listening pleasure -
  particularly Brian, who sounds uncannily like
  Linton Travel Tavern's most famous guest. And
  is it just us, or could Jan from Poland be the
  dwarf from Twin Peaks?


  Stuff that wobbles about on the screen 

  >> Peter Wyngarde's Rape song <<
  Wyngarde is best known for two things. 1)
  playing the character Jason King on some 70s TV
  show and 2) being arrested and convicted for an
  act of "gross indecency" in the toilets of
  Gloucester bus station. Let's make him famous
  for a third thing - singing a racist song about
  rape. Quite how anyone thought this was fit to
  release is beyond us.
  >> B3ta *hearts* Brett Domino << 
  Brett Domino is making a bit of a name for
  himself: a TV appearances on Britain's Got
  Talent; a recent chart placement at #29 for his
  song about Ben Goldacre's Girlfriend Gillian
  McKeith; and we're happy to see that, with all
  the attention he's getting, he's not forgotten
  his youtubey roots. This loving version of
  Prince's I Feel For You is a tribute to the
  wonderful keyboard sounds of the 80s. And the
  studied comedy with the red rose is perfect.

  >> Paint is pretty <<
  Simple yet so effective art created by pouring
  paint onto a plinth. Jacksons Pollock is
  kicking himself for not thinking of it. If he
  was still alive. He's probably in painter
  heaven shouting "POLLOCKS!"

  >> Dig deep: drama student's dirty protest <<
  "Please," begs Brent, who sent in this clip,
  "will someone come up with something that will
  get this out of my memory?" It's hard to say
  what's most disturbing about this short
  'documentary': the woman's very public scratch
  'n' sniff work, the nibbling that follows
  TWICE, or the fact that she carries on
  regardless, despite looking directly at the
  camera phone. Definitely enhanced by the
  stunned laughter of the guy in the foreground.

  >> Drunk toddler vs. puppets <<
  Trudi Tilley and Kate Pearson both
  mailed us this awesome vid of a baby getting
  shitfaced in a restaurant, eating the other
  diners' food, coughing bits of sausage up over
  strangers and then tearing up the joint. Tough
  to imagine how the full 14-minute movie will
  manage to top this trailer for Las Palmas, a
  Scandinavian short film due to be released
  later this year, but we're fairly sure the
  hangover shits scene won't be pretty.

  >> 2,564 frames per second <<
  "Some new camera called the Phantom Flex,"
  writes combatcameraman, "capable of 1080p at
  2,800fps. Quite impressive." Certainly is,
  although if we were bored in a Vegas hotel
  room, we might have done more than turn taps on
  and off. Then again, given that the day rental
  rate for this baby is $3,000 and the buying
  price ranges from $50,000-$150,000, it might be
  too risky to expose it to the elements. "Now I
  just need to rob a bank and post you all some
  slow-mo kittens."


  Trawling the internet for rude bit. Again.

  * TWANG YOUR G-STRING - Germans love rocking
  out with mullets, but they need guitars first.
  Thanks for this, Guitar Dude. What's inside the
  hole in the middle? 

  * SPUNKING UP A DULL BUSINESS - being an estate
  agent will never be exciting, unless you get to
  answer the phone 'Hotblack Dixon.'  "I noticed
  the sign emblazoned across a shop front in
  bloody Hampstead of all places," spurts
  Bathory. It even feels nice to say. 

  * RED HOT BUSH -  A hand-clappingly good cock
  drawing here – it's even going into something
  resembling a splayed arsehole. "This struck me
  as a particularly good phallic logo, especially
  when combined with the name." Thanks
  Banjo-Jeff, you've just taken away everything
  that is pure and innocent about Lily Cole's
  favourite tea. 

  * CROUTONS, SIR? - Peej spotted a sneaky goatse
  on the back of his Cup-A-Soup pack. Good work,
  Batchelor's. No comment as to whether they
  taste like they've been made in an arse,


  Find the star

  Discovering stars need not be a TV shit-fest
  like X factor. This week's game involves you
  finding them in a series of clever puzzles, and
  not a trace of Simon Cowell.


  Winners get in touch with this chap!
  Dr Terry Moore writes, "Very many thanks for
  running this challenge. The quality and number
  entries were astounding, which made it all the
  more difficult to select winners. The overall
  winner with the main logo was 'Happy Toast'
  with entry 10325884, winning a framed photo and
  a year's adoption of one of our cats.
  "A more formal logo used on badges and stickers
  etc was entry 10324048 by Puromycin who wins a
  year's membership and a framed photo.

  "A special logo for children's section was entry
  10329710 by Q4nobody (version number 4) winning
  a year's membership and a copy of Super Dave's

  "Others may certainly lead to the basis of
  things like bumper stickers etc and in these
  cases I will contact the designers to offer
  free membership for a year.

  "Please arrange for winners to contact me at
  cattrust AT aol DOT com to organize delivery of

  "Once again many thanks for your assistance and
  we would be pleased to show you round to see
  the cats whenever you are in the vicinity of


  Results from the Tourism Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to promote Britain
  Your favourites included:
  * SWEARY - misunderstanding of challenge
    leads to spectacularly rude results

  * YANKS - compare and contrast the old
    country with the new, and come to
    Blighty (moon monkey)

  * YANKS II - more baiting of our trans-
    Atlantic neighbours and their appalling
    lack of history (benito vaselini)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Film Aftermath <<
  The movie ends and the credits roll, but
  what happens to the world and its
  characters after the films we all know
  end? Challenge suggested by Zak McFlimby


  The bits that don't quite fit else where

  NUTELLA AND CREAM PIE!" exclaims 90Nz0, who
  wants your BMI to be the exact same number as
  your life expectancy. Jesus Christ, and it bears
  an uncanny resemblance to Robert Kilroy Silk.
  * MORE TEALY GAME - freakyzoid writes, "Thanks
  for featuring my game Tealy & Orangey in the
  newsletter. Bloody loads of people read it,
  judging by the number that popped by to my site
  (but you probably know that already). Anyway,
  there's a new version of the game available
  now, and I thought some people might be
  interested again. It has 10 new levels, and
  even rock harder Advanced mode, and a practice
  mode where you can replay any level."

  * SEND LATER EMAILS - we got lots of messages
  about this, most of them suggesting to either
  use Outlook (yuck) or a plug-in for Thunderbird
  called send-later. Or dial-up. We run a gmail
  house here; c'mon Google sort this out.

  DaveExclamationMark writes, "Just under 2 weeks
  now to the cut-off point for Albumhole 2.. I've
  had some cracking submissions so far. It's
  looking awesome."

  Including Londoninflames who writes, "Reading
  your latest missive I note that your piece on
  alcohol almost manages to advocate GHB and GBL
  usage as a hangover-free way to achieve the
  same end, sadly made illegal by our government.
  I feel that I must warn your readers who may
  be compelled to track down some of this
  substance that it is significantly more
  addictive than alcohol (or cocaine for that
  matter), and once you're addicted withdrawal
  can only be managed medically and results in
  ghastly hallucinations, fits, and occasionally
  fatalities or severe mental health breakdowns. 
  I should know, as I am a recovering addict
  myself and nearly died last year during
  withdrawals. Word to the wise, is all."

  * HANGOVER ADVICE - also Da' Vane who writes,
  "The effects of a hangover can easily be
  mitigated by understanding that alcohol is a
  diuretic, and the effects that this has on your
  body. After drinking, make sure you keep your
  fluids and salt up to compensate for the
  effects of dehydration that occur afterwards,
  especially before you pass out, and you will
  never have a hangover again."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we asked on Twitter what you'd like
  to see and you said:
  * "iPhone app that Google's incoming numbers and
  gives you odd facts to surprise callers with."

  * "An actually decent Nokia/Windows phone." Not
  very likely is it? (@alexjblandford)

  * "A countdown website ticking off MPs who
  voted for war in Iraq leaving office - when all
  gone we can try trusting again."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


Civil partnership: [email protected]
Civil partnership termination:
 			 [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel and  David
  Stevenson with additional worditude from
  Warneford / @JudgeySan (wonderful work),
  lostlooking (thumbs up), RadioVicky (thanks!)
  Ian Parsonson, Ian Williams, Chris Elwood,
  Craig English, @somegreybloke and @joeloverton.
   Stuff sent in by @Zuowan, @cgalla2008,
  @ZombieDoris, @hoochalobster, Edward Evans,
  Herb Alperts Taxi Driver, Oysdgp, @mattround,
  Michael Ellis, Mattle, dug/frag  Top Tippery by
  A Vagabond.  Additional linkage and image
  challenge by  Fraser Lewry.  Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Damocles.

  Do an impression of your mum by patting the back
  of your hand and trying to bite your left ear.

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