NEWSLETTER: "B3TA NEWSLETTER - THE BITS OF THE WEB THAT AREN'T JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER"
This Week:
* STUTTER - The King's Rap
* DRUNK - Toddler rampage
* SICKBAG - Royal wedding souvenir
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're dobbing you
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in to the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| social... together"
B3ta email 467 - 18 Feb 2011
Read this issue. Go on, you shit!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue467/
Re-elect: [email protected]
Overthrow: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Knob Creek whiskey
Piss. We haven't sold an ad therefore we're
going to linky up some shit on Amazon. This
week's lucky product we're picking because it
has a silly name, although, truth be told, booze
makes our knob leak more than creak.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003ZIP08...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Don't be a twat, buy an ad. (tm)
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Vintage pics, Horses, Choices, Kettling and The King's Speech
>> Historic StreetView <<
"Way back in an April 2010 newsletter, you said
you'd like to see a world-wide google map of
vintage photography," accuses Adam. "We've
tried to build that, with fading transitions
from 'then' to 'now' in StreetView. It's mostly
US-centric, apart from a handful of shots in
the UK, but we'd love for that to change!"
http://whatwasthere.com/b/3890
>> Unexpected horse <<
"We were on the flea market buying compact
cassettes when a horse showed up from nowhere,"
exclaims kingafkong. "Luckily we had our trusty
baking tray with us. We saved the day." Good
comic timing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_muzzle_man_Flea_mark...
>> It's not a game, it's a toy <<
Mental little multiple choice thing made by
theBaboon. "Enjoy!" he hoots.
http://baboon.co.il/mitoza/
>> Kettling game <<
"I made a game about being kettled for when
you're being kettled," explains
Tarka_the_Frotter. "It's called... Metakettle."
Looks like it might genuinely be fun to play on
a long, dull weekend penned in by the fuzz.
http://terrorbullgames.co.uk/metakettle
>> The King's Rap <<
Dan Bull deftly leaps on the King's Speech
bandwagon, sadly just a little too late to win
a BAFTA for best rap-related film tie-in. "I
spent Valentine's Day making this," confesses
Dan. "Yes, amazingly, I am single."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Kings_Rap
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Little Victories
Last week we asked for the pathetically tiny
victories that you'd achieved. The more
pathetically tiny the better. And these are so
wonderfully pathetic:
http://b3ta.com/questions/littlevictories/
* HOLES - "A while ago, the people who make
Polo mints brought out "Polo Holes", which
were supposedly the bits that were stamped
out of the middle. I was a schoolboy at the
time and my English homework was to write a
letter of complaint. I chose to complain about
Polo Holes as the definition of a hole is a
cavity; nothingness so by that measure the
packet should be empty. How disappointed I was
to find these white things in the packet. I
promised not to take the case to trading
standards if they sent me a years supply.
Genius. Well-written letter, no harm done.
Except teacher decided to mail it. Several
days pass and I receive an unexpected parcel
at home. Inside was a wholesale packet of
polo tubes with one noticeable difference:
all the packets were empty. Yes, EMPTY! The
enclosed letter explained. We are sorry for
your disappointment - we'd hate to fall below
your expectations again, so we've enclosed a
sizable supply of your definition of 'holes'.
Don't eat them all at once!"
(sunray18)
* DRAG RACE - "In the days of yuppies and affordable
petrol, before anyone had ever heard of global
warming, I used to drive a clapped-out Jaguar
XJS; something a bit classier than the usual
loutish Essex boy racer cars of my contemporaries.
At about 3am I'm driving home from London after
a long night at work, and I pull up at a set of
lights on the outskirts of Romford. There are
three lanes, me in the middle and, on my left,
a proper Essex wide boy in a silver Porsche 911.
He starts revving like mad, inching forward in
stops and starts, and shouting something at me.
I look over to my right, where there are two
young-ish blokes in a fairly fast-looking Ford
Sierra. With a tip of my head, I indicate the
Porsche driver and, with a barely perceptible
nod, the passenger shows he understands perfectly.
A few tense, adrenaline-filed moments pass before
the light goes amber. Either side of me, I hear
squeals whilst I sit there until the green and
gently waft off into the night to the strains
of the BBC World Service. The Porsche spins its
wheels and heads for the horizon at an insane pace.
The Sierra also waits a moment for the passenger
to briefly tip his hat to me, before it too zooms
into the night with as much zest and urgency as
the Porsche, but with slightly more blue flashing
lights on top."
(Andy_R)
* DRUG BUST - "I'm 19. I have long hair. I am
flouncing down the street in Kingston Upon
Thames. It is 1992. I have a cold. I blow my
nose and put the snotty hankie in my pocket
just as I turn a corner. A police van full of
Met coppers are watching me. As I pass the
van, one says, 'Oi! Hippy... What did you
just put in your pocket?' 'A snot rag,' I reply.
'Empty your pockets.' I do. I hand him my
very full snot rag. He opens it up, obviously
hoping to find a kilo of cocaine. It's all my
green snot. He tries to hand it me back. I
say, 'I don't want it!' and walk off. All his
copper mates are howling at him as he's left
with a handful of my warm wet bogey-juice. My
finest hour."
(inactionman)
>> This Week: Wanking Disasters Part II <<
We'd like more of your stories of jerking the
gherkin and double-clicking the mouse. Talk to
us here, you tossers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bashthebishop/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> People then and now photos <<
A photo-meme that's been around on the web for
a while now, is getting adults to recreate
their childhood photos and showing them side
by side. We blame ZeFrank, who runs
youngmenowme, but artist Irina Werning is
taking the idea and running with it. Her
attention to detail is accurate to the point
of autism and the photos are all the more
stunning for it.
http://irinawerning.com/back-to-the-fut/back-to-th...
>> Royal Wedding Sickbag <<
Hey, poor people! Don't worry about the
government cuts and the potentially savings-
destroying inflation! Wave your flags because
some rich people are getting married!
Thankfully a sickbag is at hand. We're going to
need several, although mostly to wipe ourselves
off after googling for Kate Middleton upskirt
shots.
http://t.co/ixPyVGE
>> Bollards of London <<
We like street furniture, it's oddly
fascinating. Thankfully there's people outthere
who share our love. Although don't tell our
friends, as this is pretty much one step up
from bus spotting.
http://bollardsoflondon.blogspot.com/
>> Sexy Pigeons <<
Coo! Red-blooded bird fanciers will be flocking
to this site. Pigeon chested you say? Oh yes...
http://sexypigeons.com/
>> Ninja zombie times tables <<
You know those moments when you find yourself
wondering just how awesome an Abraham
Lincoln/Platypus crossbreed would be? Well
wonder no more with the handy Times Table of
Awesomeness! Ideal thing to print out to give
your kids nightmares.
http://goo.gl/jhjG2
>> I'm Brian Partridge - Aha! <<
Remember when text-to-speech software made all
your documents sound like they were being read
by Prof Stephen Hawking or his sister? Polish
developers Ivona have now created a whole new
range of voices for your listening pleasure -
particularly Brian, who sounds uncannily like
Linton Travel Tavern's most famous guest. And
is it just us, or could Jan from Poland be the
dwarf from Twin Peaks?
http://www.ivona.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Stuff that wobbles about on the screen
>> Peter Wyngarde's Rape song <<
Wyngarde is best known for two things. 1)
playing the character Jason King on some 70s TV
show and 2) being arrested and convicted for an
act of "gross indecency" in the toilets of
Gloucester bus station. Let's make him famous
for a third thing - singing a racist song about
rape. Quite how anyone thought this was fit to
release is beyond us.
http://bit.ly/d3q6af
>> B3ta *hearts* Brett Domino <<
Brett Domino is making a bit of a name for
himself: a TV appearances on Britain's Got
Talent; a recent chart placement at #29 for his
song about Ben Goldacre's Girlfriend Gillian
McKeith; and we're happy to see that, with all
the attention he's getting, he's not forgotten
his youtubey roots. This loving version of
Prince's I Feel For You is a tribute to the
wonderful keyboard sounds of the 80s. And the
studied comedy with the red rose is perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Paint is pretty <<
Simple yet so effective art created by pouring
paint onto a plinth. Jacksons Pollock is
kicking himself for not thinking of it. If he
was still alive. He's probably in painter
heaven shouting "POLLOCKS!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pretty_paint_is_pretty
>> Dig deep: drama student's dirty protest <<
"Please," begs Brent, who sent in this clip,
"will someone come up with something that will
get this out of my memory?" It's hard to say
what's most disturbing about this short
'documentary': the woman's very public scratch
'n' sniff work, the nibbling that follows
TWICE, or the fact that she carries on
regardless, despite looking directly at the
camera phone. Definitely enhanced by the
stunned laughter of the guy in the foreground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Drunk toddler vs. puppets <<
Trudi Tilley and Kate Pearson both
mailed us this awesome vid of a baby getting
shitfaced in a restaurant, eating the other
diners' food, coughing bits of sausage up over
strangers and then tearing up the joint. Tough
to imagine how the full 14-minute movie will
manage to top this trailer for Las Palmas, a
Scandinavian short film due to be released
later this year, but we're fairly sure the
hangover shits scene won't be pretty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> 2,564 frames per second <<
"Some new camera called the Phantom Flex,"
writes combatcameraman, "capable of 1080p at
2,800fps. Quite impressive." Certainly is,
although if we were bored in a Vegas hotel
room, we might have done more than turn taps on
and off. Then again, given that the day rental
rate for this baby is $3,000 and the buying
price ranges from $50,000-$150,000, it might be
too risky to expose it to the elements. "Now I
just need to rob a bank and post you all some
slow-mo kittens."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_564_Frames_Per_Second
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Trawling the internet for rude bit. Again.
* TWANG YOUR G-STRING - Germans love rocking
out with mullets, but they need guitars first.
Thanks for this, Guitar Dude. What's inside the
hole in the middle?
http://www.cuntz-guitars.info/
* SPUNKING UP A DULL BUSINESS - being an estate
agent will never be exciting, unless you get to
answer the phone 'Hotblack Dixon.' "I noticed
the sign emblazoned across a shop front in
bloody Hampstead of all places," spurts
Bathory. It even feels nice to say.
http://www.hotblackdixon.co.uk/
* RED HOT BUSH - A hand-clappingly good cock
drawing here – it's even going into something
resembling a splayed arsehole. "This struck me
as a particularly good phallic logo, especially
when combined with the name." Thanks
Banjo-Jeff, you've just taken away everything
that is pure and innocent about Lily Cole's
favourite tea.
http://www.redbushtea.com/
* CROUTONS, SIR? - Peej spotted a sneaky goatse
on the back of his Cup-A-Soup pack. Good work,
Batchelor's. No comment as to whether they
taste like they've been made in an arse,
though.
http://goo.gl/bW9aQ
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: FRIDAY GAME
Find the star
Discovering stars need not be a TV shit-fest
like X factor. This week's game involves you
finding them in a series of clever puzzles, and
not a trace of Simon Cowell.
http://www.nekogames.jp/mt/2008/09/_hoshi_saga_3.h...
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: CAT SURVIVAL TRUST LOGO CHALLENGE
Winners get in touch with this chap!
Dr Terry Moore writes, "Very many thanks for
running this challenge. The quality and number
entries were astounding, which made it all the
more difficult to select winners. The overall
winner with the main logo was 'Happy Toast'
with entry 10325884, winning a framed photo and
a year's adoption of one of our cats.
"A more formal logo used on badges and stickers
etc was entry 10324048 by Puromycin who wins a
year's membership and a framed photo.
"A special logo for children's section was entry
10329710 by Q4nobody (version number 4) winning
a year's membership and a copy of Super Dave's
book.
"Others may certainly lead to the basis of
things like bumper stickers etc and in these
cases I will contact the designers to offer
free membership for a year.
"Please arrange for winners to contact me at
cattrust AT aol DOT com to organize delivery of
'winnings'.
"Once again many thanks for your assistance and
we would be pleased to show you round to see
the cats whenever you are in the vicinity of
Welwyn."
http://b3ta.com/challenge/catsurvivaltrust/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tourism Challenge
Last week we wanted you to promote Britain
Your favourites included:
* SWEARY - misunderstanding of challenge
leads to spectacularly rude results
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10331472
* YANKS - compare and contrast the old
country with the new, and come to
Blighty (moon monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10334878
* YANKS II - more baiting of our trans-
Atlantic neighbours and their appalling
lack of history (benito vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10331763
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishtourism/
>> New challenge: Film Aftermath <<
The movie ends and the credits roll, but
what happens to the world and its
characters after the films we all know
end? Challenge suggested by Zak McFlimby
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aftermath/
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: FOLLOW UPS
The bits that don't quite fit else where
* HORRIFICALLY UNHEALTHY FOOD - "Here's how to
make a MOTHER F'CKING DEEP FAT FRIED MARS BAR
NUTELLA AND CREAM PIE!" exclaims 90Nz0, who
wants your BMI to be the exact same number as
your life expectancy. Jesus Christ, and it bears
an uncanny resemblance to Robert Kilroy Silk.
http://goo.gl/KZPIw
* MORE TEALY GAME - freakyzoid writes, "Thanks
for featuring my game Tealy & Orangey in the
newsletter. Bloody loads of people read it,
judging by the number that popped by to my site
(but you probably know that already). Anyway,
there's a new version of the game available
now, and I thought some people might be
interested again. It has 10 new levels, and
even rock harder Advanced mode, and a practice
mode where you can replay any level."
http://www.mainlyaboutgames.co.uk/tealyorangey/
* SEND LATER EMAILS - we got lots of messages
about this, most of them suggesting to either
use Outlook (yuck) or a plug-in for Thunderbird
called send-later. Or dial-up. We run a gmail
house here; c'mon Google sort this out.
* ALBUMHOLE 2 DEADLINE LOOMING -
DaveExclamationMark writes, "Just under 2 weeks
now to the cut-off point for Albumhole 2.. I've
had some cracking submissions so far. It's
looking awesome."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/580339
* LOTS OF MESSAGES CRITICISING THE GHB /
ALCOHOL POST IN LAST WEEK'S NEWSLETTER
Including Londoninflames who writes, "Reading
your latest missive I note that your piece on
alcohol almost manages to advocate GHB and GBL
usage as a hangover-free way to achieve the
same end, sadly made illegal by our government.
I feel that I must warn your readers who may
be compelled to track down some of this
substance that it is significantly more
addictive than alcohol (or cocaine for that
matter), and once you're addicted withdrawal
can only be managed medically and results in
ghastly hallucinations, fits, and occasionally
fatalities or severe mental health breakdowns.
I should know, as I am a recovering addict
myself and nearly died last year during
withdrawals. Word to the wise, is all."
* HANGOVER ADVICE - also Da' Vane who writes,
"The effects of a hangover can easily be
mitigated by understanding that alcohol is a
diuretic, and the effects that this has on your
body. After drinking, make sure you keep your
fluids and salt up to compensate for the
effects of dehydration that occur afterwards,
especially before you pass out, and you will
never have a hangover again."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we asked on Twitter what you'd like
to see and you said:
* "iPhone app that Google's incoming numbers and
gives you odd facts to surprise callers with."
(@bounder)
* "An actually decent Nokia/Windows phone." Not
very likely is it? (@alexjblandford)
* "A countdown website ticking off MPs who
voted for war in Iraq leaving office - when all
gone we can try trusting again."
(@brokenscience)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Civil partnership: [email protected]
Civil partnership termination:
[email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and David
Stevenson with additional worditude from
Warneford / @JudgeySan (wonderful work),
lostlooking (thumbs up), RadioVicky (thanks!)
Ian Parsonson, Ian Williams, Chris Elwood,
Craig English, @somegreybloke and @joeloverton.
Stuff sent in by @Zuowan, @cgalla2008,
@ZombieDoris, @hoochalobster, Edward Evans,
Herb Alperts Taxi Driver, Oysdgp, @mattround,
Michael Ellis, Mattle, dug/frag Top Tippery by
A Vagabond. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Damocles.
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TOP TIP:
Do an impression of your mum by patting the back
of your hand and trying to bite your left ear.
