NEWSLETTER: "GOING TO WAR IN THE MIDDLE-EAST, CAUSE IT WENT SO WELL LAST TIME"
This Week:
* PARTY - in *your* room
* KATE & WILLS - misprint mugs?
* BABIES - not laughing
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're queering the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pitch... together"
B3ta email 471 - 18 Mar 2011
Read this issue in your rented hovel:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue471/
Yuan: [email protected]
Yen: [email protected]
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: SOLVE YOUR TELLY WITH 3VIEW
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Party, Kit Kat and Greggs
>> Party in my room <<
"I went away to India for six months last
autumn," explains robm79. "Whilst I was away,
one of my best mates lived in my flat looking
after it for me. When I got back from the
airport last week there was a note on my coffee
table to press play and this video came on the
TV." Possibly NSFW due to supermoon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Party_in_my_room
>> Giant KitKat Chunky <<
"I was hungry," says corruptia. "So I made this.
And now I'm diabetic."
http://f1a.me/b2jkr
>> The Greggs Adventure <<
"I'm attempting to eat and review every product
sold at Greggs," moans jgroome. "More than one
person has said that I'm well on course for a
heart attack before I hit 30. I say that if
forcing my body to consume fatty or otherwise
unhealthy food just to write a blog is wrong
then I don't want to be right."
http://greggsadventure.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bodge Jobs
Last week we told you that if it wasn't fixable
with a hammer, it wasn't worth fixing. We were
wrong. Apparently it's possible to fix** things
with fireworks too:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodger/
* "In order to plug in the microwave, the
kettle, the toaster and the coffee machine in
the tiny office kitchen, we had a four way
trailing socket. The problem was, it wasn't
attached to anything and sort of hung in space,
suspended from the various cables plugged into
it. This was deemed dangerous, as accidentally
snagging it would likely pull the kettle off the
work surface onto the person making tea. We
taped it flush against the wall, but it got
knocked free. Then we put the kettle on top of
the microwave, so it hung down by the microwave,
only slightly out of the way; equally
cumbersome. Something had to be done. We called
the maintenance guy. He turned up, unplugged the
kettle, pulled the microwave out, revealing two
wall sockets, and plugged the kettle into one of
them. He then looked at us like we were idiots
and walked out. He was kind of right."
(SnowyTheRabbit)
* "Men! If a long winter evening tempts you to
try a bit of kinky sex and you are about to use
that ever-handy duct tape as an impromptu gag,
here is a tip: as it is applied, compress your
lips together. Hard. Otherwise, when your snog-
hungry partner rips that gag off, the hair will
suddenly get removed from your upper lip AND a
good deal of your lips will be forcibly torn off
your very face. A bodged waxing might be
bearable, but let me be clear: having your lips
torn off is not. You will scream, you will
convulse, you will knee your partner right in
the claggies and you will spend the rest of the
evening in chilly silence while you slowly
bleed. Just sayin'." (IChewCandlewax)
* "It's Gaffer Tape, not Duck Tape, not Duct
Tape, not Fucked Tape. Beware inferior rip-offs.
Proper gaffer tape holds the entire music
business together. Without it, live performances
simply couldn't happen. I've seen it used to:
hold a mic-stand together; hem trousers; gather
slack cloth; attach a $20,000 special effects
light to a vertical brick wall and, in one
lovely instance, provide uplift and a cleavage
to a less-than-well-endowed backing singer.
However, the ultimate gaffer tape award goes to
the genius who taped a promoter's Porsche onto a
wall. It did involve the entire crew, a forklift
and TWO rolls of tape, but they got it done.
Wimps. I could have done it with one." (Legless)
** nearly kill people
>> This Week's Question <<
Anyone who not only voluntarily takes on our
kids for the day, but also attempts to teach
them something useful deserves our respect. Tell
us about the teachers that inspired you, made
you laugh or merely set fire to the science lab:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesometeachers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Harry + Kate Middleton wedding mug <<
This printing mistake cup is everywhere this
week but we're suspicious we're being played for
mugs by cunning people who know exactly what
they're doing. A quick check on Companies House
finds a number of opportunistic businesses
registered to the same North Finchley address
including Cantpaymybills.co.uk, Can Support It
Limited, Powerflush King and Sex Toy Shippers.
http://bit.ly/dO8Q4X
>> Mien Kampf sequel <<
Did you know Hitler wrote an unpublished sequel
to Mein Kampf in which he predicts a British
Empire / Nazi union in 1980 to defeat the USA?
Nor did we until reading Wikipedia. BTW: If
Russell Brand was a despot with plans to lead
the Aryan race to global rule he might have
called his autobiography My Struggle Wuggle.
http://goo.gl/V5f5e
>> Bestest Lennon interview ever <<
Lennon doing politics has been widely dismissed
as laughable, but have you ever read his early
70s Marxist interview? Fascinating stuff that's
rather been swept away. We particularly like the
bit where he predicted the coming destruction of
the working class, "They think they are in a
wonderful, free-speaking country. They've got
cars and tellies and they don't want to think
there's anything more to life. They should
realise that the blacks and the Irish are being
harassed and repressed and that they will be
next."
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/carousel/pob12.html
>> Who needs the full story? <<
Headlines conjure the strangest images,
apparently. At least, they do in @ericwedum's
world. Add some twisted but vivid imagination
and you end up with mental pictures that may
well look something like these. Just remember,
reading the tiny text with the detail is for
wimps. Safe for work, but keep the eBay search
for mind bleach on standby.
http://f-ckyeahheadlines.com/
>> World in 2000, as predicted in 1910 <<
Looking back at looking forward has always been
a popular pursuit, even if it doesn't make up
for the lack of flying cars and domestic robots.
Villemard's 1910 picture postcards both over-
and under-estimate advances.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2011/03/world-in-2000...
>> Jim Davidson no longer racist?! <<
Somebody very very smart is currently advising
Jim Davidson. What's he famous for? Racism. What
is unacceptable in current society? Racism.
Therefore why not write a book and a play about
how you learned not to be a racist? Genius. And
Christ, you couldn't make the cover up.
http://bit.ly/hhtfA9
>> Rebecca Black analysis <<
If you're one of those people who refer to
Rebecca Black's seminal masterpiece 'Friday' as
THAT FUCKING SONG, perhaps you haven't looked
deep enough for its subtle brilliance? Best
philosophical analysis we've seen.
http://bit.ly/fzOtoe
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Weak sub-headline joke goes here.
>> Kraut Rock <<
When German government ministers resign they
have a military ceremony and get to choose the
music. Minister of Defence Karl-Theodor zu
Guttenberg quit after the web found out he
plagiarised his PhD thesis, and then ordered
AC/DC from the army band. They wouldn't do it,
but were happy to parp out a cover of Smoke on
the Water, lit by flaming torches. When Michael
Gove goes we want the Grenadier Guards doing
Prince's Sexy MF on horseback, underwater.
http://goo.gl/ThwIT
>> Mum's head is exploding!! ...Oh hang on.. <<
Loads of adverts use laughing babies to hook us
in. It's something in our genes, probably; happy
sprogs make us happy too. What they don't show
is the out-takes where they stare in terror like
they've seen whatever the baby version of James
Corden is.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mums_head_is_exploding_o...
>> Why London's road systems are so crap <<
A proper documentary, like what you might see on
TV, about the abandoned plans and botch-jobs
that gridlocked London and resulted in the
circle of hell that is the M25. Includes naked
moobs, a vomiting Thatcher and a bit where he
draws on his monitor with a felt tip. You don't
get that from BBC Four.
http://goo.gl/jw9KN
>> The Mario Movie as it should have been <<
Forget the misguided 90s effort, this trailer
quite clearly shows the Mario franchise for what
it is - nothing but a disturbing descent into a
drug-induced hell. The moustache is still
glorious, however.
http://goo.gl/MsMkn
>> I want to sax you up <<
Sexy sax player Sergio Flores terrorises
innocent LA shoppers with the saxophone part
from George Michael's Careless Whisper, complete
with authentic 80s mullet and leather gear.
Starts to get brilliant around the one minute
mark.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sexysaxmansaxagrams_com
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Don't be meano to The Beano
Check out the name of the guy who edited the
Beano between 1984 and 2006, you'll have to
scroll to the middle, or maybe CTRL F for 'Kerr'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12770341
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Baddies Challenge
Last week we wanted you to introduce film
baddies to TV sitcoms:
Your favourites included:
* HOGAN - beta bandwagon meme explosion glory
triumph (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359178
* MERCILESS - space-age despot moves from Mongo
to Texas (okyosexwhale)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10360868
* NAZIS - French Resistance Nazi caper
celebration (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10359230
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmbaddies/
>> New challenge: The Internet Olympics <<
It's the Internet Olympics. What events would be
included? Who would take part? Who would win?
Tell us, using the sporting prowess of
Photoshop. Challenge suggested by gaylord
stinchcomb.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/internetolympics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FUGLY BEARS - "I was perusing eBay one day and
saw someone selling a bag of false teeth,"
writes Smaldini. "I pondered this for a while,
thinking about all the reasons someone one might
buy them, and laughing at the idea of someone
buying them to add to soft toys. And then I
thought, sod it, why not become that woman? The
answer is, apparently, because practically
nobody wants to buy teddy bears with artificial
human teeth."
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/45221213
* HELP THE GUARDIAN FORUM EXILES - "The Guardian
newspaper ran a discussion forum called 'The
Talk' for over 10 years," explains
JohnnytheSailor. "A couple of weeks ago they
shut it down in mysterious circumstances without
any warning leaving nearly 1,000 regular
posters, including me, bereft.
"I sat down and started writing a replacement
and put it live 48 hours after the closure.
We've been going for a couple of weeks now and
I've had over 600,000 hits so far but without
new members we will wither and die!"
'Mysterious circumstances' sounds enticingly
juicy, although it probably means 'ran out of
money': seemingly the reason for everything
these days.
http://talk.notthetalk.com
* BRISTOL QUO - If you thought the Illuminati
controlled everything, and hinted at this by
hiding images in American currency and the like,
you obviously aren't aware of the power of b3ta.
Darkgreen has discovered a b3ta meme lurking in
the banner of the Bristol Is Green website,
right there on the harbour. Blimey.
http://www.bristolgreencapital.org/green-capital
* DEATH METAL WASHING MACHINE - "Re: music games
from last week's newsletter - I downloaded Sound
Hound for my phone, which appears to use some
sort of weird dark arts hocus-pocus to recognise
music," confesses sandettie light vessel
automatic. "After testing it on various radio
stations, I tried it on my knackered old washing
machine during the rinse cycle. It came up as
'Open Arms to Damnation' by Born of Osiris. Yes,
it seems my washing machine is a tribute act to
the hardcore death-metal scene." This has
inspired us to go round the house, testing which
bands our appliances are covering.
* MUSIC VID INSPIRED BY NEWSLETTER - "I made a
music video based on the Glide2 video that was
in the newsletter," intones HCowling. "We did
two takes at it, in the second one the station
guards are in the film shutting us down so we
couldn't use it." This is a lovely thing,
although the actual platform must have been
total mayhem.
http://goo.gl/PG0JL
* MUTATED MONTY ON ADULT SWIM - "Here is it, in
case anyone is interested and can't watch the
channel," grunts the great man.
http://goo.gl/4e3LW
* MUTATED MONTY RIPPED OFF BADLY - "Here's an
amusingly terrible rip-off of one of my videos,"
smirks mutated monty. "I was emailed about this
by someone who had to work on it. I'm guessing
since they nicked the music as well they weren't
expecting many people to actually see it, which
is probably a good thing judging from the
inherent shitness of the result."
http://goo.gl/FSTpy
* "WATCH MY BROTHER'S FILM!!!" implores
old-school b3tan barryheadwound. "My brother is
a writer. Over a decade ago he had an idea for a
film. Nothing overly revolutionary, but a solid
romantic comedy in good keeping with British
film-making tradition. Today, the concept that
my bro came up with 10 years ago hits the
screens in nearly 400 cinemas nationally. Hell
yeah!
"He's got a blog too. Quite an interesting look
at the process from script to screen."
http://goo.gl/3aT5G
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: FRIDAY GAME
Blind man's cuppa
Close your eyes and attempt to make a cup of
tea. Points for not ending up in hospital.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GEORGE MICHAEL PROTEST - We've been vaguely
wondering about recording a very slow version of
Faith by George Michael with OTT autotune/chorus
effects. But can't be arsed. Can you?
* ALL THE INTROS OF NUMBER ONES OF THE 90S - PJ
writes, "Ages ago you asked someone to mp3-up
the first 10 seconds of every number one of the
80s, and they did. I still listen to it, and
still taunt my friends with it. Can you make a
similar appeal for someone to do one for the 90s
or 00s?"
* COMMENTS FOR THE STORIES WITHOUT COMMENTS ON
NEWS SITES - lots of stories on the Guardian
don't have comments enabled. Sometimes this is
for staffing reasons, other times it's because
of legal issues. Make a site that scans for
these articles and adds a comment button. If you
want to minimise legal issues, host it in a
"data haven".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data_haven
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Red nose: [email protected]
God knows: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by LordManley,
malcolmcoles, mastercucumber, disco_doctor,
matthaswell.co.uk, @Kodabar, stubbledchin,
Newsletter additional writing via Twitter chums
at: Jon Bounds, stephenfrizfrizzle, Jared Earle,
Michael Connor, @orbrey, Oolong, Giles Goddard,
nick foister, Carolyn O'Reilly. Top Tippery by
sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Paul_P.
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TOP TIP:
Make people say "Well, it's certainly different"
by serving them carrot cake that's been made
with parsnips instead of carrots.
