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"Your weekly dose of lies and viral adverts"
This Week:
* SPOCK - What's in his scanner?
* EVA BRAUN - in black-face makeup
* MATT BAKER - vs the PM

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're rubbing our    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      rude bits until
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      excitement happens"

B3ta email 470 - 11 Mar 2011

Read this issue using Netscape Navigator Gold:

       Lovers:  [email protected]
     Fighters:  [email protected]

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Your money means we can be arsed to write this
  shit instead of just pissing around on Twitter.
  Divert some of your ad spend our way:


  Kebabs, Spock, Bikes

  >> What's in Spock's scanner? <<
  If you've ever wondered what Spock looks at when
  he stares into that tiny screen on the
  Enterprise bridge, wonder no more! "This is part
  one in a series," predicts Black Moon, "(if this
  one does well)."

  >> Twats on bikes <<
  "Recently I have noticed an alarming increase in
  the numbers of people who see cycling as a great
  way to 'dress to impress' in the Shoreditch,
  Hoxton and East London fringes," explains nitro
  fan. "I felt what they really needed was a
  cycling club of their own, hence The Hoxton
  Wheelers Cycling Club blog." He'd also like you
  to send him your own pics of any likely Wheelers
  members, ie. dickheads.

  >> I'm waiting for my fucking kebab! <<
  "I'm either going to hell or getting bottled
  for this edit," complains burnside, "It's a
  portrait of modern day Binge Britain from the
  all-seeing eye(s) of kebab shops.' It's a grim
  picture of all our futures: low wage economy
  and lashings of cheap booze. Or it's just some
  dickheads. You decide.


  Stupid Colleagues

  Last week we wanted to know just how dumb are
  the people you are force to share an workplace
  with. These people are so stupid they haven't
  even worked out how to skive off on b3ta yet:

  * WHALES - "Barney was a decent, nice-but-dim
  sort of guy. One afternoon were talking about
  whales and he seemed quite suspicious when I
  told him they weren't fish and they breathed air.
  'Ok then, so how do they breathe underwater?'
  'You know when they come up to the surface and
  squirt water in the air? Well that's them
  breathing out,' I said, as uncondescendingly
  as I could. He looked at me like I was an idiot,
  then started laughing in my face. 'That's not
  breathing!' He laughed. 'That's them FARTING.
  Their bums are on the top and they come up to
  fart! Didn't you even know that!?' 'Um... I'm
  pretty sure they're breathing,' I replied,
  slightly stunned by this new information.
  'Think about it...' He added slowly, so I'd
  understand, 'if they didn't come to the top
  when they farted, their arseholes would fill
  up with water and they'd sink.'
  * BUNNIES - "Our receptionist had just been
  away for a romantic weekend in a log cabin in
  the New Forest with her boyfriend, but returned
  concerned and angered. 'They were just running
  around everywhere, on the road and everything,'
  she complained, oblivious to the howls of
  laughter around her. 'You'd think people would
  take more care of their rabbits.' She couldn't
  get her head round the concept of wild rabbits
  once it was explained to her either. 'How did
  they get there? What do they eat? Where do they
  go at night? IN A HOLE??? Shut up, don't be
  stupid, they would die.' I dread to think what
  would happen if she saw Watership Down, her head
  would probably explode."
  * AFRICANS - "A colleague of mine was sent to
  attend a conference about some new cancer drug
  trial. We asked him who the Keynote speaker had
  been and he replied, 'Some African guy.' It turns
  out he'd read the name 'John Charles MBioChem'
  and assumed that MBioChem was his surname, as it
  sounded, 'kind-of Nigerian.' All this despite
  the fact that he was himself a 'Master' of
  BioChemistry and had exactly the same letters
  after his own name. He has since gone on to
  achieve a PhD and no-one knows how."
  (Guntfuggle Quackblast)

  >> This Week's Question: Bodge jobs <<
  To be honest, if you can't fix it with a hammer,
  it wasn't worth fixing. It certainly works with
  web servers. Tell us about your bodge jobs:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Blacked-up Eva Braun <<
  The Daily Mail photos of Eva Braun and her Nazi
  chums make me think of our Gov. Loads of rich
  people enjoying top larks whilst the country
  burns. BTW: We don't want to link to the Mail
  but when they find content as extraordinary as
  this it's hard to say no.

  >> Ode to Charlie Sheen <<
  Missed the Sheen story? Rich drug addict doesn't
  follow script. If caught you're meant to go
  "Sorry! Rehab!" and carry on behind closed
  doors. Sheen, instead, has been oddly authentic
  and shouted loud and proud that he loves drugs
  and hookers. This against a backdrop of being
  sacked and having his kids taken off him. Fun
  times, but he's given the internet several new
  catchphrases and, hey, some new material for the
  Autotune the News guys to work with:

  >> Kate Middleton For The Win Tumblr <<
  Lots and lots of pics of Kate looking moderately
  attractive (we see her as a more effective
  version of Michelle Heaton) with LOL WE'RE RICH
  captions. This made the official B3ta wife spit
  >> Poor old Assange <<
  The plot to smear Julian Assange's name
  continues. 1. Rapist. 2. Anti-semite & now 3.
  Cat hater.

  >> Asda dating <<
  The story behind this stuff is it's basically a
  white label product. A third party business
  called ukdating.com sets up as partner, uses the
  brand to get a bit of traction and everyone
  pockets a few quid. Quite a result to get Asda
  on board though, as everyone will laugh at it
  thereby getting tons of publicity. Should we
  want to, we could probably set up B3ta dating
  with these shits. Or, more alarmingly, Sickipedia

  >> More Etsy lols <<
  In the week when Etsy was demanding $$$ from
  mockery site Regretsy for use of their images
  comes a new way to laugh along with the types
  who make weird crap and flog it online: men
  forced to model their girlfriends' 'crafts'. A
  more glum collection of guys you've never seen.
  Still, laugh away, as they might look stupid but
  they are getting laid.


  Look again, it's only flashing pixels

  >> Police typing lols <<
  We've been interviewed for TV occasionally, and
  there's often a bit where they say "let's just
  get a shot of you tapping away at your PC". They
  use it to mask transitions, else your interview would
  be full of jump cuts and look jarring. It's not
  normally done quite this badly.

  >> MP Air Guitar <<
  Some lovely found footage of an MP in
  parliament, idly doing a bit of air guitar
  whilst another drones on, superbly cut to 
  audio of someone shredding a guitar. Made us
  want to punch the air. 

  >> Matt Baker mocks David Cameron <<
  An unlikely event this; the Gov organised a
  lovely bit of PR for themselves and PM Cameron went on
  the fluffy One Show to deliver some bullshit
  message to the people. All heavily scripted and
  tightly rehearsed. Then one person didn't play
  ball. Right at the end of the interview,
  presenter Matt Baker threw in an unscripted dig
  that was so masterfully done it could just be
  an ambiguous question. Wonderful. Also interesting
  insight into the newspapers as The Guardian and
  The Mirror managed to review this exchange as
  "comfy" and "fluffy". Our theory is that they didn't watch
  the broadcast but reviewed a pre-prepared
  script. Ho hum. And let's hope Matt Baker
  doesn't get shuffled off permanently to Country File; we
  can't imagine BBC brass will be letting him near
  anything contentious again. 

  >> Football animation <<
  If football always looked and sounded this nice,
  we could probably stand to watch an entire game.
  But just one.

  >> Conga Dogs <<
  "Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Dog on a
  trike, leading a conga! It's the best thing in
  the world. Dog on a trike, leading a conga! Singy
  the songa, the remix is longer" etc etc.

  >> "You're so hot" <<
  Duel between two guys who use their sexuality as
  a weapon.


  Also featuring "cock monthly" 

  * UNFUNNY NAME CORNER - Second-highest paid exec
    at Barclays is named Rich Ricci. 

  * PENISY TITLE.GIF - It's easy to mock that their
    logo looks like a cock.


  Results from the LEGO Challenge

  Last week we set a one word challenge: LEGO!

  Your favourites included:
  * TERMINATOR - he'll be back, this time rendered
  in injection-moulded plastic (Joe Scaramanga)

  * EXORCIST - perfect plastic re-enactment of
  *that* scene, only lacking in vomit (E Dubya)

  * TERROR - Legoland undergoes an attack eerily
  reminiscent of 9/11 (HappyToast)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Film Baddies in TV Sitcom <<
  Imagine if movie bad guys started showing up in
  TV sitcoms - Darth Maul as David Brent, or The
  Terminator running the show in Yes, Minister -
  then use that imagination to create an
  impressive entry for this week's challenge.
  Suggested by Afinkawan.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NZ RUMBLES ON - ElGranto writes, "I'm a
  lifelong Christchurch resident and, like many,
  many others, I've been affected by the recent
  earthquake. Unlike Marcus Gower, I took no
  offence from last week's Top Tip. Not the
  funniest gag in the world, but it was kind of
  nice to see my poor little town get some props
  on one of my favourite websites and, for me at
  least, part of getting over such a tragedy is
  trying to scrape a laugh out of it where you
  can. While I appreciate Mr Gower standing up for
  us from all the way up in the North Island,
  please rest assured that one joke on a noted
  humour site is not causing any lost sleep down
  here. I just wish we'd had a better QOTW."
  Hooray, so we can move to NZ to hide from the
  West's economic meltdown then? Also, in breaking
  news, Japan, but we'll avoid making the same
  gags about them.

  covered this earlier but the project is now
  completed, fredthedeadhead writes, "You can now
  download every single past qotw in epub format.
  You'll have to install Calibre (which is
  basically amazing for organising and converting



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * SS MEMORABILIA OF THE FUTURE = want to earn a
  few quid on eBay in the future? Stock up now on
  the free pens from Barclays. Come the revolution
  it'll be like having an attic full of Nazi

  * MUSIC GAMES - Here's one we play: "hear" a
  tune in your head and hum the first note out
  loud. Then check Spotify and see if you've got
  the pitch right. This might also work with BPM
  but we haven't bothered trying that yet.

  * FRANKENSTEIN MODELS - Luke Jerromes writes,
  "Hey, I was in WHSmiths the other day, and I
  noticed there seemed to be a row of those first
  issue 'create a thing' magazines. You pay 99p
  for the first issue, and get a magazine and the
  first piece towards the eventual object you will
  have created. After that, the prices go up to
  about £7, and for that you get a tiny
  insignificant piece of what is probably to be an
  unachieved ambition. I was just wondering, could
  a b3tan create something out of all the pieces
  of first issue magazines?"

  * GOOGLE MAPS UBER ALLES - McClairey asks,
  "Could someone please invent a thing which
  changes all maps on websites into Google maps?
  Trying to find my nearest bank branch on their
  Bing maps function is like wading through a box
  of geographical vomit." Yep, ban that Bing thing.

  * IPHONE SCRATCH CARDS - an idea so evil we've
  explained it more fully here:

  Send your bottles of e-piss via the mail form.

  BTW: Keep sending us emails, we read them all.


  Subwoofer:  [email protected]
  Submeower:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the proles of the
  future: sitting at home earning pennies as a
  knowledge worker, only speaking to people who
  they agree with via twitter, also sinister_prog,
  MeatSafeMurderer, TheMichaelMoran, oholiab,
  sicalcutt, via Pazuzu, sheesidd, @oholiab,
  mothdust and @JaneLMcGrath.   Top Tippery 2 by
  835Rocks. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via WormuIus. 

  If the government wants to stop people buying
  fags why not, on opening, make the packets
  explode with shit and piss?

  Actually, screw health warnings on fag packets.
  They should just print them with embarrassing
  messages. "I have VD" "I touch kids" "I voted

  Car manufacturers! Tune your car horns to
  a note on a C Major chord. Traffic jams
  would become a musical joy to listen to.

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