NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER SUBJECT LINE WAS OUR SECOND PREFERENCE"
This Week:
* LEONARD NIMOY - on Laser Discs
* NEWSPAPER - Trolling from fun
* VIDEO - Rocket test footage
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're mostly eating
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hobnobs... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 477 - 6 May 2011
Stick this issue in your eyes and scream:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue477/
Friends: [email protected]
Haters: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Family Guy jokes
Do you like jokes? Are you stuck for something
funny to stick as your status on Facebook? Help
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Rockets, Waxworks, Royals
>> Rocket test footage <<
"Hi dude!" booms Joel Veitch. "I done a rocket
test thingy innit! Rocket... Man...
doobedeeedoobeeedoobedooo!" Joel has been
dabbling with some exciting and dangerous things
lately and this handily covers all bases.
http://goo.gl/pVD4M
>> Madame Tussauds NIGHTS <<
"Hiya B3ta!" exclaims Pete Donaldson, for it is
he. "I made a promo video for Madame Tussauds
NIGHTS." An after-hours waxworks service for
consenting adults. Wipe-clean fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "I trolled our local paper" <<
"Got some thinly-veiled smut in our local rag
with my home made royal wedding tee shirt,"
brags baldmonkey. "Sadly, the newspaper cutting
cunningly hides the EXCELLENT and CLASSY display
behind my bulky form. Interestingly, the quotes
there from my wife are entirely made up. They
also asked which bit of the wedding we found
most exciting and we said when they left the
church because that's when we thought the
terrorist snipers would get them."
http://goo.gl/mtVbm
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: Sponsored Coxy T-Shirts
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Winning
Last week we wanted to know what you'd won,
however sadly small. Scroll down to the story
of the six-year-old who won a tumble drier:
http://b3ta.com/questions/winning/
* "Back when we lived in a small house with no
storage space - not even big enough to swing our
cat. Oh, the irony. We won a competition.
Imagine my joy to get a knock at the door one
morning to take delivery of:
* 300 x tins of Whiskas
* 50 x cartons of kitten milk
* 100 x Pouches of wet food
* Some cat treats/toys
...and 52 x 5kg bags of cat litter. A QUARTER
OF A TONNE of fucking cat litter. What the fuck
did they think we owned? Lions with IBS?"
(tinpixel)
* "I was about 6, at the school sports day. I
decided to enter the egg and spoon race. I can't
tell this one that well, so you'll have to
imagine Murray Walker doing it instead: "And
it's go, go, go! They're barreling down towards
the first corner... And Flap Burger takes the
lead! Pedal to the metal, flat out! Nearly at
the finish line now... And... WHAT IS HE DOING?"
That's right, ladies and gents. I assumed the
tape crossing the finish line was intended to
mark out some kind of construction site, and ran
right around it. What a fucking mong." (Flap
Burger)
* "My best mate works at Jewsons. Yesterday, May
the 4th, he was asked by his yard manager to
contact the sand people about a delivery. The
sand people. On May the 4th. He got to tell him,
"There's no-one there at the moment, but they'll
soon be back, and in greater numbers." (Darth
Foxtrot)
>> This Week's Question: Police 2 <<
In a week when the UK police have been arresting
people for dressing as zombies, it seems
appropriate to collect more of your own dealings
with these fine people. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/police2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Amusing stickers on the Central Line <<
How long before the Met arrest this lot -
clearly dangerous subversives.
http://bit.ly/kxt7Wn
>> Stolen camera finder <<
A search tool that looks for photos taken by
your camera (after it's been stolen of course)
that have been uploaded to the web. Wonder if it
can be abused? Say you get a photo taken by a
celeb from their twitter account - maybe you can
then work out what other photos they've taken
and aren't admitting to?
http://www.stolencamerafinder.com/intro.jsp
>> Is Jesus tougher than Batman? <<
A facebook debate that's funnier than it sounds.
http://goo.gl/K0cw7
>> Hide the Bible <<
If we were rich enough to visit hotels we'd know
that they often have bibles lurking in the
bedrooms. These guys like to hide them, probably
because Christians are fat and need the exercise.
http://hidethebible.tumblr.com/
>> BBC's royal wedding 'bridesmaid action' <<
"If you zoom down the official vehicle convoy to
the last horse-drawn carriage..." sweats Paul
"Yes, there's Kate's sis, with what looks to me
like a footman with his white gloved hand on her
boob... Or maybe I need to get out more." You
decide - zoomable picture here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13200114
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
1. The Dentist
2. R Kelly
3. Pirates
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but on a less comfy chair
>> Laser Discs, Spock and a talking rock <<
Possibly the best informercial we have seen for
many years - a fabulous piece of promo crap
where Nimoy introduces the world of Magnavision
Laserdisc home entertainment with the help of a
talking rock. Nimoy looks wrinkly but rapey,
sporting tight, white slacks and a porn
moustache, while a close up on his hands reveals
neatly-manicured nails painted with clear
varnish.
http://youtu.be/s4pBk3-fduU
>> Trippy <<
We were given a Newton's Cradle - one of those
retro "executive toys" with swinging silver
spheres on bits of wire - for Christmas last
year. We enjoyed playing with it so much we
broke it. Seeing this video makes us want
another one. And a large bag of mushrooms.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Trippy:4
>> Best music video ever <<
Part Peter Jackson Braindead pastiche, part
Nighty Night, part Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon, part a-million-and-one other brilliant
things, this has to be the most genius music
video ever. It's totally joyful.
http://goo.gl/c0Pjv
>> Something to send to your dorky chums <<
A simple message for people who can't help
banging on about things and spoiling other
people's fun into the bargain. Watch and learn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_ok
>> Teasing Your Dog <<
Teasing your pet dog is a mean thing to do but
this guy does it especially well and gives the
dog a funny voice. Great canine ear-work too.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_guy_is_an_expert
>> Farm Fresh Girl <<
Crazy, mad girl art that repels and fascinates
in equal measure. We enjoyed its demented
intensity and liked the way the images critiqued
the message of the song. Arty, mad-as-badgers
feminists FTW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Farm_Fresh_Girl
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Royal Wedding Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate Kate &
Will's great big posh day.
Your favourites included:
* SHARE - whatever you say about the Royal
Family, they keep it in the family (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10404577
* NEIGHBOURS - the happy couple, spookily
recreated as celebrated Aussie pair (benito
vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10404731
* GINGER - royal rumour subtly depicted
(Chunkmiester)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10406124
All these images, and the highest as voted by you
can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/royalwedding/
>> New challenge: Unexpected Bad Guys <<
With bin Laden out of the way, the media needs a
new monster to keep us from sleeping. So pick
someone unexpected to fill the shoes of terror
maestro number one. Then show them at work.
Challenge suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/unexpected-evil/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHARITY FUNDRAISING ROBOT DON-8r - is now
finished. "This video is a more refined version
of the user testing recently featured in the
newsletter," informs Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
"All the interaction is unscripted and genuine.
My final hand-in / presentation for Uni is
tomorrow and this video is one of the
deliverables so hoping this goes down well!"
This cute little robot beggar will soon make the
homeless redundant.
http://goo.gl/Gdf5b
* MORE BARCODE MOVIES STUFF - alby, "Saw the
link to the movie barcode tumblr in this week's
newsletter. A while ago I wrote some
instructions on how to make your own."
http://wordpress.mrreid.org/moviebarcode/
* A CURE FOR HAYFEVER THAT WORKS - pitarou
writes, "That would be allergen immunotherapy
you want. I learned about this when I taught
English to Japanese medical researchers.
Basically, your doctor injects you with
ever-increasing doses of grass pollen extract
and, after a few years, you're cured. It's
common in Europe, but it never really caught on
in the UK. There are some risks (like dying)
but it works. P.S. Please don't tell the wife
about this. She loves cats. I hate them. If
she ever gets wind that there's a cure for my
cat allergy...."
http://bit.ly/7CXjWH
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: FRIDAY GAME
Strategery
We've bought one of those swanky iPad 2 things,
because although we can't afford to eat, we're
still addicted to the tech pouring out of China.
Anyway, massive thumbs up to the iPad
Garageband, with which we wrote 5 songs in one
day sitting in our pants on the bed. Also
horribly addicted to the Dice Wars / Risk game
Strategery. Seeing little board pieces when we
close our eyes addicted.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LIKEWARS - ilovesecretagents writes, "Since
most things on Facebook can be "liked", wouldn't
it be interesting to find out how much more
likeable something is compared to something else
by using just the facebook likes? For example,
did you know Alton Towers is 2x as likeable than
Dizzee Rascal? Cheryl Cole is 5.2x more likeable
than Jesus?"
* BIGGEST NEWTON'S CRADLE EVER - set up with 16
massive cranes over the building site in Kings
Cross.
* WORLD'S SMALLEST ROLLER COASTER - built from
Lego and with a hamster in it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Joe Scaramanga,
DaveExclamationMark, Dr Preference,
Hellzapoppin, Hellzapoppin, bananaprince,
Stashie and jakedamusss. Top Tippery by
sandettie light vessel automatic. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via The
Great Architect.
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TOP TIP:
Using one of those syringes that are used to
administer Calpol medicine to babies, it's
possible to collect all of your semen at the
point of ejaculation without any going astray.
This has the added benefit of being able to
measure how much came out. However, be careful
not to stumble with it in your hand, as you may
inadvertently give yourself a facial.
