NEWSLETTER: "THE SATURDAY GUARDIAN INTERNET PAGE - ONE DAY EARLY"
This Week:
* BEAUTIFUL - Buttery biscuit bass
* BIZARRE - Strange pub find
* BOLLOCKS - Auto-CV generator
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "As regular as your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | weekly shit, it's
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| b3tallalaala!"
B3ta pamphlet 485 - 1 July 2011
Read this issue in a high pitched voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue485/
Hugs: [email protected]
Shrugs: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Transmetropolitan Comic
Ok, we're about about 15 years late to the party
but we're not big ones for reading comic books,
but someone recommended it and it's fab.
Packed full of technological and repressive
ideas that are partly coming true now. Buy it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184576522...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bass, Trains, Secrets and Scots
>> Buttery biscuit bass <<
"It's been so long, I forgot how to embed
videos," confesses mashup maestro Swede Mason.
But this Masterchef masterpiece is a thing of
great joy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Masterchef_Synesthesia:4
>> How to avoid getting hit by a train <<
"Parked your car on the tracks by mistake and
you haven't got time to move it?" asks Black
Moon. Here's how you resolve the situation.
http://goo.gl/051RW
>> Bizarre Pub Find <<
"Here's a real-life Easter egg," exclaims
Dr.A. "No achievement though." FYI he isn't
referring to the brightly-coloured, egg-shaped
kind. What a strange thing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bizarre_Pub_Find
>> 'Visit Scotland' <<
"The new Scottish tourism ads reminded me of
something," explains The Great Architect. The
new footage fits surprisingly well.
http://goo.gl/Igwc2
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bedroom Disasters
Last week we asked for the most terrible things
that had ever happened to you in bed. What we
weren't expecting was how one of you was so
drunk, you tried to fuck your mum:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bedroomdisasters/
* THUNK - "My new girlfriend told me she liked
it rough. Despite having never done anything
like that before, I think 'fuck it' and we
go for it one night after a trip to the pub.
Music is put on to cover the oncoming storm
of grunts. She gets shoved onto the bed, hard,
and lies there, legs akimbo, to let me ravish
her (her term, I might add). After maybe a
minute of such ravishing, I realise I'm getting
minimal feedback. I look up. She'd hit her head
on the wall when I shoved her... and I'd
molested her while she was unconscious. We
don't tell that one at dinner parties."
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns)
* TWOCK - "When I was about 12, I'd just made
a dart-board box thingy in woodwork (you know,
the things that open up and give you little
blackboards either side). I hung it up and
was throwing my first dart when a friend,
with amazing timing, popped his head around
the door and said 'hellooo' just in time to
intercept my wayward dart with his face. The
noise of impact, the sight of it stuck there
at 90 degrees, square in the middle of his
forehead and the changing expressions on his
face as he realised what just happened
followed by the noised he made as he danced
up and down, with his little hands flopping
on his wrists, will remain with me forever."
(Zak McFlimby)
* THWACK - "Many moons ago my father had three
major influences in his life - the Royal Navy,
a chronic sleep disorder, and quick fists.
Thanks to the first of these, he and my mother
found themselves living a balmy tropical
lifestyle on the island of Mauritius in the
early 70s. Idyllic, halcyon days of rum and
sunshine, tempered only by my father's minimal
duties and occasional, absolute batshit
mentalism... One typically enchanting night,
my parents were sleeping blissfully in the
silence of their quarters. Unfortunately the
nasty night demons were toying with my father's
mind. Mumbling, tossing and turning, he
suddenly sat bolt upright in bed like an
electrocuted lobotomy patient. Fuck... there
was someone stood in their room! No time to
think. The time for action was now. "I AM MAN,
AND MY KNUCKLES ARE LEGION" I like to think
he screamed as he leaped at the shadowy
stranger. A thunderous left hook right into
the face of the hapless intruder and he
literally exploded. Everywhere. Just like a
mirror would, in fact. Yep, he'd decked his
own reflection, severing an artery - 40 years
later and he still has no feeling in half his
hand, and an absolute canyon of a scar."
(Wet-chinned bag shanker )
>> This Week's Question: useless old skills <<
What old, now-useless rubbish is so firmly
stuck in your head that it'll never shake
loose? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/obsolete/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ghost-It notes <<
A spooky and amusing story about passive
aggressive notes being left in a house but they
live alone... *Twilight Zone music*
http://goo.gl/ciQD1
>> Instant Art Bollocks generator <<
Ideal for filling in the biography bit on your
final year project at art school. Before you
have to go and work in McDonalds or, if you have
connections, an internship in the Tory party.
http://bit.ly/kJeoVI
>> Bad design for lols <<
Art project: factory workers produce incorrect
versions of products they make every day.
Reminds us of those old "Irish invention" jokes
from the 70s: Parachutes that open on impact,
inflatable dart-boards, etc.
http://crmag.co.uk/loy1ja
>> Collings and Herrin bust up <<
Unusual to hear about the petty jealousies
caused in a close working relationship discussed
so openly. Anyone who's ever collaborated on
stuff should find something to identify with here.
http://goo.gl/1ndDy
>> WWII, before the war <<
Curious collection of photos of life before WW2
- our favourite pic is 31 which looks rather
like a Nazi edition of Juke Box Jury.
http://goo.gl/VBztU
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Owls with stupid expressions on their faces
Web legend Kim Plowright has been using Flickr
to group her favourite owl pictures. We defy
you not to smile.
http://ow.ly/5uz1c
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Radiohead redubbed <<
Continuing a meme that includes the one with
Beyonce sounding very heavy on her feet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Radiohead_are_ace
>> Song to unborn grandchild <<
1000% more awesome than it sounds. Might make
children cry.
http://youtu.be/YfY1lfFu8j8
>> Jimmy Page schools The Edge and Jack White <<
Clip from the movie "It Might Get Loud". As
boring, old guitar players, we missed this flick
and totally plan to watch it this weekend.
(We'd also like a remake with our favourite post
punk guitarists like Robert Smith, Johnny Marr
and John McGeoch (googles for spelling, oh he's
dead.)
http://goo.gl/492qH
>> Fish Orgy <<
So some fish are having a nice quiet fuck orgy
and you choose to drive your powerboat through
it. Dicks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Holy_Carp
>> BBC test scrambling <<
@IrregularShed writes, "As splendid nerds, you
might enjoy this. It's what the BBC used to test
scrambling, circa 1991." It's really quite
enjoyable - something to stick on after a hard
day programming your BBC Micro.
http://post.ly/2J7iC
>> Bestest ever animation ever <<
Prepare to be thrilled with the kind of CGI
Hollywood can only dream about:
http://t.co/de33NC7
>> Greenpeace VW / Starwars spoof <<
Loving this not because it's funny or brilliant
executed, it isn't, but that it sticks Vs to the
intellectual property of George Lucas, leaving
Greenpeace hugely legally exposed. Yet if VW or
George Lucas sue they'd become famous for being
the guys who killed Greenpeace, which would be
the PR disaster of the age.
http://goo.gl/SCLJT
And speaking of bad Star Wars rip offs, this is
much funnier, if less interesting politically:
http://t.co/6Ny3FMl
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Secret Kitchen Challenge
Last week we wanted you to picture what
the stuff in your kitchen gets up to when
you're not there
Your favourites included:
* CHICKEN - utterly disturbing self-
pleasuring fowl action (Fresh Water
Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459062
* OVEN - fiendishly clever YouTube /
Microwave mash-up gag (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459140
* EGGS - sensational egg-box Tetris
imagining triumph (SauronWibble)
http://b3ta.com/board/10459002
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kitchens/
>> New challenge: Jumpy Orange Shapes <<
This week's challenge is highly
technical: to make beautiful, joyous (or
dark and ugly) things out of jumpy orange
shapes. Challenge suggested by Barbarossa
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jumpyorangeshapes/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOOGLE TIME MAP - leo writes, "In the
newsletter you asked for a way to show travel
time -vs- distance in Google Maps. I think you
are looking for Mapnificent, as reviewed in the
Economist. It covers London and Manchester in
England. I tried it for Los Angeles, where I
live but I think it is missing the Big Blue Bus
routes. So good but not yet perfect."
http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2011/06/ma...
* KENEFIT for Darklord. "Hello dear B3TA,"
writes tootla. "Thought some of you might like
to know there's a special party, or a Kenefit if
you will, in honour of our dear, departed
friend. It's in London at East Village, July
14th. Mega line-up of DJs and will be a right
hoot. Be great to have a B3TA presence down
there."
http://goo.gl/0FPQA
* COMEDY SALE - A couple of weeks ago, b3tan and
comedian Sanderson Jones told us all his plan to
sell tickets to his forthcoming show by meeting
all of the audience members in person. He
writes, "Thought you might want to see a video
of me failing to sell tickets. I went to Soho a
week or so back and just had people say 'No' to
me. Not fun. Bearing in mind selling tickets
like that is a key part of my business model, I
am scratching my head at the moment." Keep
plugging away, Sanderson!
http://bit.ly/jxlgR5
* B3TA SCREENSAVER FOR OSX - "I spent a few
hours noodling around and ended up with a
screensaver that puts the contents of the
messageboard on your monitor," writes the
rather clever c@bbage. "Not working perfectly
yet, but doesn't look too bad. Take it out for
a spin and see what you think."
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/screen-saver.html
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Booze Up
A nice little platformer in the vein of
Jumpman. With a bit of a b3tan feel.
http://www.freewebarcade.com/game/boozeup/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOGAN'S RUN FOR PETS - just looking at our
horrid old cat and thinking it would be more
efficient if they had a glowing thing in their
paw so you know when they're going to die. And
you could plan getting a new kitten.
* GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED BABIES THAT DON'T CRY
OR SHIT - no reason.
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR YOUR BRAIN - that doesn't
give you a hangover.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Kiss you: [email protected]
Miss you: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by cartelmike,
@IAreSteev, Faceburger, foxprorawks, The Great
Architect, moogthedog, Old_Holborn,
@iamjamesward, @JamesWard, @erocdrahs,
UHMUHRAKA! Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Tip via The Archduke of South London.
Subjlols via TownsendsPublisher.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Cheapskates! Make your own porn using commonly
available punctuation marks: (. )(. )
