NEWSLETTER: "TAKEN UP THE OXO TOWER BY MURDOCH SINCE 2001"
This Week:
* CAMP - Carry On Vader
* SATAN - in song lyrics
* CATS - for gold
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're paying extra
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | money to profiteering
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| bastards... together"
B3ta email 486 - 8 July 2011
Blimey. Issue 486. That's like some shitty old PC:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue486/
Lovers: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sweary greetings cards that are fucking ace
Finally a card that doesn’t have fuck, wank,
bollocks, cock or tosser on.
http://tinyurl.com/3bj8dxw
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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How many 486s does it take to change a
lightbulb? 486
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EDITORIAL STATEMENT FROM YOUR GINGER MURDOCH:
Back in issue 464 we filled the newsletter with
loads of rubbish gags about old Amstrad
computers. It occurred to us then we could do the
same with issue 486, and we'd have loads of time
to prepare the most amazing gags about old Intel
processors ever written. However, in reality
we've spent the entire week obsessing about the
#hackgate story, so instead we got the B3tans to
write the jokes. They are either brilliant or
utterly useless, there are no in-betweens.
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Why did the 486 cross the road?
To catch the Local Bus
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Brooks, Vader and Chernobyl
>> Has Rebekah Brooks been sacked yet? <<
Single function website by gotimmy. "Pretty
please retweet," he begged us. We duly did so
and now it's fricking everywhere, plus a version
with James Murdoch.
http://www.hasrebekahbrooksbeensackedyet.com/
>> Carry On Vader <<
rbrownwakefield's remake, sees a rampaging Camp
Lord of the Sith. "I never got round to doing
more than a minute as it's pretty
time-consuming," confesses rbrownwakefield. Ah,
but what a glorious minute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kenneth_Williams_plays_D...
>> Abandoned Chernobyl Panorama <<
"Hey!" greets cr3. "I recently took a long tour
around Chernobyl and the surrounding areas. One
of the most interesting places was the town of
Pripyat, which was a very new and vibrant city
until all 50,000 residents were displaced thanks
to the Chernobyl Disaster. The town has since
been empty, and decaying. I took some photos off
the edge of a massive apartment building,
resulting in this really neat 360 degree
panorama of this amazing place. The amazing and
sexy wjh31 deserves most of the credit here for
his amazing stitching work.
http://cr3ative.co.uk/chernoybl/
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I'm going to do a nerdcore tribute to the Tom
Robinson Band. 2 4 8 6 Motorway.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Old Stuff I Still Know
In honour of our Intel 486 issue, we asked
what obsolete talents you still have. And the
top story is? Yup. Wanking:
http://b3ta.com/questions/obsolete/
* SIGN SONG - "My Dad used to travel to Japan
on business reasonably often, and after one
particularly good day he was invited out to
the bar with all his Japanese colleagues for
a traditional 'get smashed and sing' session.
This was in the days before karaoke machines
so everyone had to sing their party piece.
After numerous beers and whiskies, he couldn't
sing at all, but he was helped up onto the
table top, beer in hand, and everyone cheered
him on. His mind was a blank: he couldn't
remember a single song, not even a hymn or
nursery rhyme. The only thing that came into
his head was a song he used to sing 20 years
earlier, with his fellow commuters on the train
to and from Birmingham, which they had made
up based on the notice on the old train carriage:
"To stop the train / In cases of emergency /
Pull down the cha-a-in / Pull down the cha-a-in /
Penalty for improper use / Twenty five pounds"
He drained his beer, sang the song twice through,
saluted, then fell off the table."
(Smale)
* DOS GAMING - "I know: 1) How to make a boot
disk. 2) How to swear at a bastarding boot disk
when it doesn't bastarding work even after you've
followed all the bastarding instructions to the
bastarding letter. 3) How to plead with a boot
disk. 4) How to bargain with a boot disk. 5)
How to cry quietly in the corner at a boot disk.
6) How to blackmail my parents into buying me
a SNES."
(universalpsykopath)
* DEFRAG - "If my brain was like a hard drive I
could look though all the directories and delete
folders like "Lyrics to Meat Loaf's Bat out of
Hell Album", "Monty Python films/sketches" and
have a good old defrag and free up a bit of space.
Maybe then I could remember "what I went upstairs
for" and "a shopping list with more than 6 items
on it"
(sittingduck)
>> This Week's Question: illegal boss shit <<
Been pressured by your boss to do something
distinctly dodgy at work? Did you do it? Confess
all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dodgyworkethics/
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Why was 3 afraid of 4?
because 4 8 6!
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Like vs Plus <<
We're not sure what to think about Google Plus -
the new social networking thingie from the
people who brought you Google Wave. Mainly it
makes us anxious that if it becomes really
popular and kills Twitter then all that time we
spent dancing and skipping to build up our
follower count was a waste of time. Oh, it was a
waste of time anyway? Oops. Anyway:
http://likevsplus.com/
>> Broken crap people sell <<
Reminding us somewhat of There, I Fixed It,
comes this catalogue of mostly broken monitors
for sale on eBay and the pathos-inducing
comments on the damage.
http://bitbroken.com
>> Cats 4 gold <<
As the global economy spins out its final cycle
of capitalism and all the cash floats to the top,
before the coming storm of Chinese takeover /
global warming / mutant star-goats, the price of
gold is fucking crazy. Hence lots of plots to
shake the last bits of gold out of the proles'
teeth. Now with cats.
http://www.cats4gold.com
>> Instant pitch generator <<
Say you work in advertising and you're too
fucking lazy to write a pitch. Simply type in
the brand - and it'll give you a magic mood
board that'll be enough to wing your way through
most snoozefests. If it works for you, tell us.
http://wheelofconcept.com/
>> Random ginge <<
Photographer @OliviaRosePhoto is photographing
red-haired people in the street. Slightly
stalkery and, thankfully, no B3ta staff in it.
Yet.
http://randomginge.tumblr.com/
>> Empty platitudes <<
You know how some people's mouths flap and flap and
nothing useful comes out and you look at them
and think why aren't I like these people, they
seem to be happy. Hunt and kill them here:
http://bit.ly/pu9bGU
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My 486 processor is so fat she got discontinued
in 2007, even for embedded devices.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Not reality, just light hitting your retina
>> The Power of Bias <<
Interesting presentation about perceiving things
that aren't really there, due to your own
prejudices. We promise you will see Simon Singh
in this vid.
http://bit.ly/iUPPkh
>> Talk this way <<
Older readers may remember Cheryl Cole, a
Northern lady who was briefly a judge on X
Factor USA. She explains why she had to go, with
a little help from Run DMC.
http://t.co/rWAEZOA
>> Bill Bailey's message to Metallica <<
The hirsute musical wonder offers his services
as a heavy metal substitute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bill_Baileys_message_to_...
>> Nina Conti & Monk <<
One girl, one monkey puppet breaking some sort
of fifth wall of self-awareness. Fun fact: we
once had to make a plasticine model of Nina
Conti, then ITV never broadcast the TV show.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nina_Conti_Monk
>> Ode to the bouncer <<
Catchy little number from entirely CG band the
Studio Killers. NSFW, if your workplace objects
to the bouncing chests of cute/grotesque little
doll-people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Studio_Killers_ode_to_th...
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What do you get if you shove a handful of 486
processors up *insert female hate figure*'s
fanny?
Fish and chips!
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
As funny as poo on your toothbrush
* DRINKING FROM THE GOATSE CUP - "Have you been
looking for a special holiday gift for your
grandmother? Do you want a small present for
your boss, to help you snag that promotion at
work?" Do. Not. Want.
http://patton-pottery.com/goatsemugs.html
* DIRTY SUN BASTARD - and we're not talking
about the lovely staff at the currant bun. Who
are nice.
http://gawker.com/5819042/the-dirty-kind-of-sun-st...
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How do you get a geek to shag your girlfriend?
Put a 486 in her cunt.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Jumpy Orange Challenge
Last week we wanted you to produce
pictures featuring Jumpy Orange Shapes
Your favourites included:
* BOUNCE - incredible fox/space hopper
interface (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10469749
* SCARY - be-helmeted kitten in
terrifying space incident (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10465156
* COCKS - tremendous selection of excited
cartoon phalluses (Zac McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10465568
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jumpyorangeshapes/
>> New challenge: Design Flaws <<
This week's challenge: from inflatable
dartboards to traffic signals that send
cars crashing into hapless pedestrians,
design stuff that has a single, crucial
design flaw.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/designflaws/
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Something about "branded with numbers" and
Jews/Nazis and Intel. But it all goes a bit
racist when I try to do it. Oh I give up.
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DAILY MAIL SITE EDITING GUIDE - Guardian's
Media Monkey went big on Rob's DM-skewering
diagram. The Daily Mail's secrets revealed.
Possibly.
http://goo.gl/SAeam
* 2011 SHED OF THE YEAR - b3ta friend shedblog
has just announced its shed of the year. "Judges
included Sheddies Favourite Sarah Beeny. Owner
of the winning shed, Jon inherited it and its
contents from the previous owners, but the idea
to turn it into a music venue came to him after
a visit to the local pub. He set up ‘Songs from
the Shed’ and has had loads bands playing
acoustic sessions from the shed and popping them
on Youtube."
http://goo.gl/1xt3j
* HELP KUNT - He's the only man who sits below
NOTW in the moral foodchain and now he needs
your assistance ...to keep his filthy, funny
stuff up on youTube. Here's how you can help.
http://bit.ly/q3iL43
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What's the best thing about 486 processors?
You can make 486 low fat banana smoothies at
once!
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PANTS THAT STAY FRESH ALL YEAR LONG - we're
stick of having to change them every bleeding
month.
* GUN TEETH - We want tiny pistols in our
incisors so we can kiss our teeth people die.
* EXTRA FINGERS - So we can look at porn,
masturbate and tweet all at the same time.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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The maths teacher asked the 486...
"Multiply these two floating-point numbers"
"Can't", said the chip.
"Oh," sighed teach. "An SX boy."
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by taters, sock,
evolvocrab, chocolatelemming, Bela Lugosi's Dad,
@nikroope, @GigerPunk, @Natalie_KateM,
@danielbevis, @chrisdelahunty, @grahamshroll,
wakeupandsmellthebacon, L_Space_Cam. Top Tippery
by Rotating Wobbly Hat. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols by The Great Architect.
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486 "jokes" via Michael Ellis, Michael Ellis,
Michael Ellis, NoPotPourri, yanmania..., Spunky
McPunk, Wasp Box, yanmania, and yanmania.
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TOP TIP:
Overcompensate for having a tiny car by growing
a massive penis.
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A Pentium, a 486 and an XT were at the fair and
about to go on the helter-skelter when an old
crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land
in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the 486 and slides
down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the
top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the
bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands
of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Pentium goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at
the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in
more silver coinage than he can carry.
The XT goes last and, launching himself from the
top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
