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"Chilean miners bemoan one year since they had great anal sex!"
This Week:
* OWLS - Rotated for Science
* FLYERS - Silliest ever
* BELUGA - Mariachi whale

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're dropping the       
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     taxes for the rich
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  ... not very togetherly"

B3ta dog turd flecked sausage 490 - 5 Aug 2011

Read this issue via candlelight, you paupers:

    Sexy time:  [email protected]
  Unsexy time:  [email protected]

  80% off holidays, go on treat yourself

  Save up to 80% on holidays, trips and city
  breaks with the new Groupon Getaways. At the
  moment they've deals to Morocco, Koh Samui,
  Berlin, Crete, London and Valencia. And £39
  return flights to 25 international cities in
  their National Deal.
 >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Owls, Art and Drink

  >> Rotate Your Owl <<
  "For Science!" cries an engorged Jonti Picking.
  Old-school rap stylings, plus owls, in a lab.
  This must be whatever the b3ta equivalent of
  linkbait is.

  >> Artgame <<
  "You rock many times over, like a magical lake
  of horses wearing rocket packs," confides
  Jason. "Thusly, I'm sharing with you and yer
  glorious b3ta readers my recent artgame!" As
  near as we can tell, it's about having a
  nervous breakdown caused by recent trends in
  the residential real estate sector.

  >> "We Love to Drink" <<
  "What started life as an improvised song during
  a drinking game became a reality during the
  hangover the following day," cries Ornsack.
  Lovely vid - those guys really will drink


  Your Swedemason needs you!
  Top B3tan @swedemason is at number 40 in the
  mid-weeks with his 'Buttery Biscuit Bass' track
  that was premiered on B3ta, ooh, a month or two
  back. Please, please buy the single and get
  something into the charts with a better chorus
  than Swagger Jagger.


  Conspicuous Consumption

  We wanted your purest moments of showing off and
  luxurious wallowing:

  * SWEATBANDS - "I guess I was about 10 and my
  brother 7 and I was desperate to own a towelling
  wrist band. Preferably fluorescent yellow. I'd 
  be the coolest kid in school. Eventually the 
  constant whining got too much for my Nan, who 
  gave me a fiver to run off to Ted Fenton's, or
  whatever the 1984 equivalent of JD Sports was.
  There we found, to my delight, that five pounds
  was a veritable fortune. I could afford wrist 
  bands in Yellow, Blue, Green and Orange AND two
  towelling head bands. I was positively overwhelmed.
  With shaking hands I tore open my carrier bag of
  booty. I put a yellow band on my right wrist,
  green on my left, then a blue on my right and
  an orange on my left. Then I gave the others 
  to my brother to do the same. I put a white 
  headband on him and, finally, trembling with
  pride, I put the other one on me. I was the 
  dog's bollocks, I was cooler than school. 
  Between us we were the it-boys of Laindon. I 
  walked chest forward, brother by my side, back
  to where Nan was waiting by the swings. And the
  big boys pissed themselves laughing. And I cried.
  And I never wore them again."
  * PIRATES - "I used to work as a photographer on
  a cruise liner. You got to see the world but
  you'd work 14-hour days taking pictures of
  people who thought you were vermin. That and the
  ship's cinema only showed family crap at least a
  year old. So when an entertainer came aboard
  with a pirate copy of The Dark Knight, my fellow
  photographers and I hatched a plan of daring
  luxury. We had the keys to the Captain's private
  lounge for setting up a crew awards ceremony. So
  the pirate Dark Knight and ourselves snuck in,
  careful at first to leave no sign of our
  invasion, but within ten minutes we'd cracked
  open bottles of officer-only champers and moved
  all the suites to face the ginormous flat-screen
  TV. We were in heaven, hidden deep within the
  ship. Somewhere around Maggie Gylenhall being
  blown to smithereens, all sat on the edge of the
  leather couches, half blazing, empty bottles of
  champagne strewn around, the door unlocked. Quick
  glances of ultra-dread are exchanged. This meant
  disembarkation for sure. I prayed silently for 
  not an officer, for not security. Sunnil, the 
  second-in-charge of security stuck his head round.
  This is it. We are fucking doomed. He stares at us.
  We know we are fucked. "Is that the new Batman?"
  "er...yes" "Fantastic!" he says as he nudges up on
  the couch and makes himself comfy. "Pass the
  champagne." (Raol Duke)
  * BUBBLES - "Staying in an outrageously
  expensive hotel for the first time in my life.
  My girlfriend went out shopping, and got back to
  find me wallowing in the spa bath topped by more
  than a foot of bubbles, reading The Economist,
  whilst smoking a cigar and wearing a monocle.
  She looked at me with disbelief. "What the
  hell?", she asked. "This is what capitalism is
  all about", I replied." (davywavy)

  >> This Week's Question - Annoying Partners <<
  What winds you up about your significant other?
  If you have no partner, tell us about workmates.
  If you have no workmates, improvise with an
  annoying tramp:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Pointless Flyers <<
  Good little collection of silliness stuck up in
  the street. You know the type; text says "cat
  found" but there's a picture of a badger. Except
  not that one.

  >> Swapped logos <<
  Pepsi in the style of Coke etc. Something we
  could do as an image challenge, possibly with
  more satirical intent - Daily Mail logo in the
  style of the Nazi party etc.

  >> Liney thing <<
  We remember stuff like this on old 80s
  computers; you'd draw a line then wait 30 mins
  for it to spin it into a wine glass. This is
  faster and, hence, it'll make your tits hard.

  >> Very strange set of drawings <<
  Comic book art + 2-colour pixelization + very
  weird subject matter. Arresting.

  >> 360 degree view of space shuttle Discovery <<
  Looks like the worst UI we've ever seen. And
  we've used Vista.


  It's b3ta to the max  

  >> Mariachi band serenades Beluga Whale <<
  Wonderful clip - and here's a tip - drop in your
  favourite tune, it works as a video for almost

  >> Angry Scouse Guitarist << 
  Ageing guitarist struggles with his playing
  and it all turns to panic and rage - never a
  friend to a performance needing dexterity. Poor

  >> Bill Drummond lecture <<
  Oldsters who remember the KLF as the best thing
  to ever happen to pop music will delight at this
  Drummond lecture where he points out downloading
  has changed our relationship with music and
  suggests a move to a future where we experience
  and remember stuff instead of it all being a
  downloadable gloop.

  >> Shit boot times vid <<
  Blokey compares the boot-time of an old 80s mac
  to a modern laptop. Yes a modern PC does loads
  more shit but it's a good point well made. Sort
  it out, OS-twats.
  >> Trolling your own wedding <<
  Men! Ruin the wedding day of your wife by
  organising Gollum to turn up with the ring. "My
  precious" etc. She'll fucking hate you for it.


  Double-headed unfunny action for joke-hole

  * Shi are IT specialists.

  * Check the postcode.


  Results from the Fake Ads Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to design adverts for

  Your favourites included:
  * SHARK - the evolution of the Jaws franchise,
  from the past into the future (Clay)

  * QUO - if Parfitt and Rossi were funeral
  directors. Funeral, btw, is an anagram of "real
  fun" (the stainless steel rat-boy)

  * SHINY - a thing, advertised (Clay)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Safety Posters <<
  Attention b3tans: this week's challenge is to
  create realistic safety posters for the most
  absurd scenarios. Bonus points available for
  placing them in a real-life situations.
  Challenge suggested by The Great Architect.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HANDS SOLO INTERVIEW - "Shortoftheweek.com is
  one of my favourite sites," writes helmsdeep.
  "So when they asked to interview me and feature
  Hands Solo as short of the week, I was well
  chuffed. Thought you might find it an
  interesting read."

  * B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL TIME - "Greetings men
  of Earth!" booms Druss_The_Legend. "I am well
  aware that football (and most other sports) has
  been viewed on our hallowed boards with scorn
  and pity but I am trying to get a b3ta Fantasy
  Football league together again this year, the
  more people the better! It is all good clean
  fun, though I feel that the use of the word
  fantasy should allow me to field a team of
  battle-hardened orcs. Never mind, eh!"

  * MORE UNICODE LOLS - "Unicode 6.0 adds some
  amazing glyphs alongside the symbol for pile of
  poo featured in last week's newsletter,"
  informs OwlofDoom. "The most disturbing one
  I've found is U+1F3E9 'LOVE HOTEL'."

  * SPINAL TAP HTML - xyandz writes, "As any Tap
  fan knows, there's an umlaut over the N in
  Spinal, but as far as I can tell there's no
  html code for that. Who do we lobby to get this
  fixed? There must be a way, but I don't know
  where the HTML Gods reside. Please, b3ta, can
  you use your influence with the great and good
  to make this happen?"

  * RE: THE BEEB'S LONDON BASE - Surprisingly
  Jeremy Clarkson has something to say on the
  subject, according to coobeastie. "He writes,
  'I don't like vandalism, but if someone were to
  decorate one of the buildings with a giant
  purple cock and balls, I'd be tempted to give
  him a pat on the back and a puppy dog.' So,
  anyone want a free dog?"



  Great little retro platformer that has you
  flipping gravity between ceiling and floor to
  rescue your missing shipmates. Bleeptastic
  soundtrack too. Yeah, this is just a 2-level
  demo, but it's tough enough to occupy some idle



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HE-TWEET OR SHE-TWEET? - Can you guess the
  gender from what they say?

  * DAILY MAIL OR CHILD PORN? - Can you tell
  where the images originated? (And for both
  satirical and legal reasons the answer is
  always DM)

  * YES or NO? Take the word "yes" in every
  language you can find and see if the internet
  thinks it means yes or no. Or is this super

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  UltimateMonkey, @matthewgardner, MrPSB, beard,
  SnowyTheRabbit, @philsherry, @losttourist,
  @johnsto, The Archduke of South London.
  Top Tippery by MrOli.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via betpet.


  Ants hate talc. Don't fuck about with expensive
  ant poison and traps: Ants hate talc. It sucks
  the water out of them and kills them and covers
  up the smells they left so they know where
  they've been. Find where they are getting into
  the house, squirt cheap talc everywhere around
  there and down their trail to the kitchen or
  wherever they've got to, then a few hours later
  hoover it all up.

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