NEWSLETTER: "RECORD NUMBER OF PEOPLE TURN OUT TO TOTTENHAM CAR BOOT SALES THIS WEEKEND"
This Week:
* RIOTS - Lots of stuff about them
* FEAR - The many faces of George Osborne
* BEARDS - Shaving in reverse
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're arguing amongst
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ourselves and not pulling
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together... together"
B3ta dick splash 491 - 12 Sextilis 2011
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue491/
Prole feed: [email protected]
Memory hole: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
The Evolution and Design of the Personal Computer
Do you dream of having your own shed of old
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This is the next best thing, a book of 100s of
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Beatboxing, Bullingdon and Blood
>> Supermassive Raver vs the Riots <<
A change of pace from Supermassive Raver, as he
tours the riot-ravaged streets with beatboxer
Killa Kela. Rather lovely.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> An Open Letter to David Cameron's Parents <<
"Hello," says a stern Nathan Tapely. "I've
written an angry and intemperate thing. Some of
you might like it. Many, I suspect, will not."
Well-put take on the double standards of this
whole big mess.
http://wp.me/pOSWr-9v
>> Tiny Chainsaw <<
On a completely different note, "I've got a tiny
chainsaw in my pocket," screams Joel Veitch.
"It's easy to start it but it's hard to stop it!
Butters done an animation for my song about my
chainsaw innit geez."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiny_Chainsaw
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Annoying Partners
Hell is other people. Fucking Hell is living
with them. We asked just how hard can it be?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/annoyingpartners/
* KNOB - "I don't have a lot of experience with
Cavaliers... most of my boyfriends have been
Roundheads. So I don't know if this happens a
lot, but my ex's cock used to stink (and taste)
of the piss under his foreskin. I tried
suggesting that he wash before oral sex but he
said it made him feel like he was visiting a
hooker to be asked. I would therefore take a
massive mouthful of squash before going down to
dilute the taste. He thought I was doing it to
be sexy. No, just to not boak. He would also
accept a blowy in complete and utter silence (it
was unnerving, I thought I was maybe doing it
wrong) until the moment of impending crisis when
he'd go, "that's it, that's it, that's it,
you've got it." EVERY SINGLE TIME THE SAME
WORDING. Oh and once after he'd blown his beans
I realised he'd left a skidmark on the sofa. Why
did I ever shitcan him? What a keeper."
(Sallyrsm)
* PERFECT - "My love is honestly without fault.
She's sexy - I could watch her for hours, and
frequently do. She's practical - she can do
things many women can't. Change locks, for
example. She's rich - she can afford a new phone
every few weeks, it's difficult to keep track of
her number to be honest. She's adventurous - she
walks a different way to work and home every
evening. She's independent - she pretends that
she doesn't need me around all the time. She's
funny - she got the police to tell me to keep
away as a joke. She's perfect in every way."
(scarpe)
* PARP - "If your partner is a bit on the wobbly
side ... never, ever, ever wedge your arse up to
one of her buttocks while she's sleeping and use
it as a resonator for a good, juicy, ripping
fart. The sound is deeply rewarding but you'll
find just how quickly someone can go from
"peacefully sleeping" to "dementedly homicidal"
And it's bloody difficult to dodge when you're
laughing as much as I was." (ubergeekian)
>> This Week's Question - First Rude Thing <<
Hedge porn, babysitters' bums or naughty seaside
attractions? What was the first time you
realised that there was more to life than sweet
shops and Friday night TV?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstrudething/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Weird Twitter parody <<
Heello is a Twitter clone but made for lols
where a fake @ev gives away iPods etc. Worth
nosing around for the sheer wtf value.
http://waxy.org/2011/08/helloo_is_twitter_for_fake...
>> George Osborne <<
Osborne is the fuckwit in charge of our economy.
His job is very easy: do what he's told by his
city chums & don't talk to the press in case he
gets caught out for not knowing the difference
between a stock and a bond. Anyway, a couple of
Tumblrs for you.
http://themanycumfacesofgeorgeosborne.tumblr.com/
http://georgeosbornelookingevil.tumblr.com/
>> Black & white WTF <<
Because stupid comedy photos and mental press
stunts aren't just a feature of the modern world.
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/
>> How to decorate your university room <<
Some young people aren't poor and dispossessed.
Some are the kids of the elite who'll be ruling
us in 10 to 20 years' time. This is a Telegraph
story pitched at their mums. Extraordinary stuff.
http://t.co/P2feZtR
>> Right wing extremists tricked by free t-shirts <<
It's not exactly clamping down on them in a very
tough way but a pretty good idea nonetheless.
Can you find away of doing the same to our
own right-wing extremists - like Michael Gove?
http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,15305581,00.h...
>> Creepiest iPhone accessory yet <<
A child's hand to hold while you look up porn on
your iPhone.
http://bit.ly/n6NbXL
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Vimeo killed the video star
>> 2000watts of speaker power - in your room <<
Is this a good idea? Really? Yes, it's amazing.
http://goo.gl/5c86e
>> Hello again, lovely beard <<
Impressive facial hair sacrificed in the name of
making a cool video.
http://goo.gl/EyyE8
>> Best. ComicCon. Costume. Ever. <<
If you don't get it, google QWOP.
http://t.co/7Qq68fO
>> Korean kids bang on things <<
Three small children show off amazing
percussion skills, led by a little girl on a
xylophone. That or they are all being worked via
thin strings from above.
bit.ly/gTmsk3
>> Terry Gilliam shows you how <<
Terry Gilliam is the Godfather of all crappy
internet animations ever. Here's some great
footage from 1974, as he shows you how he makes
his cut-outs.
http://goo.gl/52Vo0
>> Nyan Man <<
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nyan_Man
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Niche camera marketing
Let's hope they find a gap in the market. Etc.
http://bit.ly/pLgMfo
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Safety Poster Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create safety
posters for absurd scenarios
Your favourites included:
* FORCE - safety is paramount at the Jedi
swimming pool (Captain Howdy)
http://b3ta.com/board/10499571
* WRESTLING - inferno warning for fans attending
Summer Slam (jabells)
http://b3ta.com/board/10499398
* DANCE - useful advice from Men Without Hats
(Joe Scaramanga)
http://b3ta.com/board/10497875
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/safetyposters/
>> New challenge: Future Law <<
What the UK needs is a hero. So open up
Photoshop, and show us your ideas for the future
of law enforcement. Challenge suggested by The
Great Architect.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/futurelaw/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SWEDE MASON #37 IN THE CHARTS - Yay! Well done
to all of us, and especially Swede Mason
himself, as Buttery Biscuit Base is officially
better than Jessie J and Snow Patrol.
http://www.theofficialcharts.com/singles-chart/
And for those who need more of a Swede fix,
here's an interview with the man himself, by
Victor Adebobo.
http://www.herculesmoments.co.uk/2011/08/interview...
* THE "TRUTH" ABOUT THAT RIOT CLEAN-UP PIC -
You've all seen that post-riot photo of Clapham
with all the brooms held aloft in a slightly
WWII poster kind of way. "I was there!" rambles
Rob Manuel. "Here's what was really going on."
FYI he's the redhead in the centre of the frame,
slightly obscured by the guy with dreads.
https://plus.google.com/117394585037652877373/post...
* 10 YEARS OF B3TA? - Fnord writes, "On Friday
October 14th, 2011 it will be Newsletter 500. On
that day Spacefish will be exactly 10 years old
in B3ta terms. As far as the current board goes
the first message goes back to 12th September so
I guess that's the 'official' 10 year mark. I
know there's been the odd newsletter break
otherwise 52 x 10 years and we would have
reached 500 earlier. A great achievement in both
respects."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* "Has anyone translated that Japanese Horse
Racing game yet?", writes @Jerromes "I'm
desperate to play it myself - another newsletter
appeal please?"
* Can we start a new social network? Run it from
a pirate ship. Swap the IP every hour for
anti-blocking. Retain no data in event of court
orders. Call it TWITTAARRRRRRRR!
* Sell the Tories/Met a load of old vibrators
but call them BBM blockers. Bzzzt.
* Imagine if sausages had foreskins that could
be tugged backwards and forwards until they
released delicious gravy. That.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. I know a man called Gary Barlow. He
grew fat because he didn't walk far-o. He orders
mars bars from Ocardo. Poor old Gary
Barlow-a-lardo. Stuff sent in by @JohnMoynes,
DaveExclamationMark, Faceburger, tokyo_sexwhale,
mattround, Mr_Kipling_, DaveExclamationMark,
@ereuben, @TomChivers, @Jolph, artifus,
@paulhardman, 6 a.m. Martini, @wearetado and
Lord Manley who we forgot to mention the other
week and he posted angry tweets about it. We're
sorry. We love you. Oh and Butters. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via The
Great Architect
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TOP TIP:
When using a public toilet, grab a handful of
toilet paper and wipe the seat. The benefits of
this are three-fold:
1: You have already established that there is
enough bog roll to accommodate you
2: You may have wiped disease-ridden piss off
the seat, saving expensive medical costs
later
3: Your stool now has a soft landing, helping to
eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device - Asda
toilets - Bradford. (Frample Tromwibbler)
