NEWSLETTER: "ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF YOUR QUESTIONS"
This Week:
* CAT GIF + MUSIC - The best thing ever
* WHISTLING - taken to a whole new level
* CONSPIRACY - Your pet theories explained
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Euro... together"
B3ta email 508 - 9 Dec 2011
Sum of four consecutive primes (113+127+131+137):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue508/
Lovers: [email protected]
Shits: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINKY
2 for 1 on comedy tickets
Dan is here to tell you all about Dave's latest
offer. (Whereas Dan, on the other hand, has
principles goddammit).
http://youtu.be/JYl5XOrvVjQ
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Bears, Nazis, Jesus, Beans & Ham
>> Coke Polar Bears find a wormhole <<
Coca Cola's new Christmas advert takes an
unwarranted turn. "I'm doing 25 vids leading
up to Christmas" explains an ambitious dogfood,
"This is only no.2."
http://goo.gl/1jzZY
>> Freigeist <<
"This weekend I made a game with 3 random guys
I didn't know at all (from Australia and the
USA - what a time zone nightmare!)" explains
MarkP0rter. Use the power of hallucinations
(and your arrow keys) to escape the death camp
of nazi lizards.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/585053
>> Jesus (Baby with a Beard) <<
"Dear mister rob," comes the little note down
our chimney. "Please can you give our festive
nativity video a shout in your mailout?" Knut &
the Gang have truly blown the special effects
budget for this sacrilegious Christmas miracle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Baked Beanz <<
"This is a bit weird - that's why I thought I'd
plop it on b3ta first," offers totally eustus,
proving that beans are indeed the musical fruit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baked_Beanz
>> Ham. Ham ham HAM HAM HAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAM <<
"We made a ham thing!" squeals Joel Veitch,
reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas.
Dressing your friend's wife in a ham bikini,
crushing things with a pig's leg, digitally
adding flames. FYI: All of Joel's home videos
are like this.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ham_For_Victory
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: ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF
He's touring UK and we're asking him stuff
David Hasselhoff is doing some UK gigs ('An
Audience With...' kind of thing; anecdotes and
even singing) and we figured it would be fun to
get B3tans to ask him some questions. The plan
is we'll go and meet him on Monday, armed with
your questions, video it, and stick it all
online. So what do you fancy asking him? C'mon,
you must have a question for the Hoff?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/AskDavidHasselhoff/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Conspiracy Theories
Last week we asked for your favourite conspiracy
theories - the ones so good you almost believe
them. Tinfoil time:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conspiracytheories/
* BADGER BADGER BADGER - "When I was wee, my
family would amuse ourselves on the interminable
car journey to Devon by counting the roadkill
and guessing what it was; a macabre version
of those iSpy books. "A badger!" I exclaimed,
pointing out of the window with glee at a
mutilated corpse on the hard shoulder. 'Don't
be silly,' my mum said, a smile playing at her
lips that at the age of seven I was yet to
recognise as 'I am going to troll my child for
shits and giggles', 'Badgers don't exist.' The
world I thought I knew was a fiction. Those
funny black-and-white big-rat animals were in
fact entirely made-up. What else was untrue?
I had already dealt with the discovery that
Santa, God and the Tooth Fairy were lies. Was
anything real any more? I whimpered. 'But that
looked like a badger,' I protested. 'They're
pretend,' my mum insisted. 'Someone plants them
on the roadside as a trick.' For years, I took
it to be true. Badgers weren't real. It stayed
with me until my teenage years, when a chubby,
awkward Queen of Cheesecake decided to show off
her superiority by correcting someone who
claimed to have seen a badger. 'Don't be silly,'
I said. 'Badgers don't exist.' The chorus of
laughter still rings in my ears."
(Queen of Cheesecake)
* TITS TITS TITS - "The X-Files, the cult 90s
Sci-fi TV series created by Chris Carter was
all about alien invasions and conspiracies and
would Agents Mulder and Scully get it on. However
you may not have realised that there was a hidden
agenda behind the series. No one asks why he was
called Fox. It isn't a common name and it's never
questioned in the series. Some think that it is
because the program is made by 20th Century FOX,
but this misses the hidden message. One of the
driving points was Mulder's search for his
missing sister. Mulder's missing sister is
called Samantha. Add her brother's name and you
get 80s Page 3 Stunna, Samantha Fox. Chris
Carter was in league with 20th Century Fox,
which is owned by Rupert Murdoch, to bring the
Sun newspaper, also owned by Rupert Murdoch,
and Page 3 girls to the US through subliminal
mentions of its biggest star. This may seem far
fetched but if you read the X-Files encyclopeda
and look closely at the original script on
page 18 you can see that in the first draft,
Agent Scully was originally called Agent
Busty McTitts." (lordofallhesurveys)
* MM DD YY - "Americans only put their dates
in the wrong order to make it look as if they
have a large number of very short months. The
rationale behind this is currently unknown, but
is undoubtedly sinister." (StapMyVitals)
>> This Week's: Biggest sexual regret <<
We'd like your biggest sexual regrets:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Animated cat GIFS + music <<
The internet always seemed a bit pointless.
UNTIL NOW.
http://procatinator.com
>> 9/11-inspired office block <<
Not sure we'd like to work here very much.
Also the trees are an optimistic touch;
the wind there would be awful.
http://twurl.nl/om2t4c
>> 3D comic <<
Not shitty Hollywood 3D, more like the parallax
scrolling you'd get in ambitious 8-bit
fighting games like Way of the Tiger. Keeping
our references up to date there.
http://hobolobo.net/
>> Genetic portraits <<
Guy photoshops together members of the same
family, with fascinating results.
http://goo.gl/Gipf7
>> The 53 worst family Christmas photos <<
Amusingly goofy-looking families. But remember,
a family is the best defence against all the
shit the world throws at you, even if they are
terminally uncool.
http://www.topito.com/top-pires-photos-famille-noe...
>> Microwave for One book <<
Amusing reviews - "It used to be that I got
home from work and the only thing I'd want to
put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my
grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia
Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there
are two things."
http://goo.gl/KAGGL
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Exactly like TV, without the depressing news
>> David Attenborough's Wonderful World <<
The BBC's most incredible nature-porn, combined
with Attenborough's mellifluous tones - what a
wonderful world indeed.
http://t.co/9d16I5Vp
>> 90s Computer games addiction <<
A premonitory warning from 1990, as TV cameras
follow the plight of a 13-year-old boy addicted
to playing games. Now we're all at it.
http://www.f1a.me/b2L33
>> Epic whistler <<
Chunk of talk show gold, as a luxuriantly
be-mulleted man whistles his heart out. Worth
checking out faces in audience, as people are
simultaneously delighted and bemused.
http://t.co/IMg71hFH
>> Fun with maths <<
Enthusiastic mathematician James Grime explains
how to work out the shortest road between four
towns. Genuinely ace and reminded us of really
enjoying maths at school (but pretending not to
because it just wasn't cool).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Math
>> School portrait <<
Jaded photographer tries to teach kids to be
unhappy. The result is, of course, adorable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/School_portrait
>> Operatic human road bridge <<
It seems unfair to criticise this bloke's ability
to hold a tune, as he's lying in the ground and
being driven over by cars. Repeat this stunt for
the X-Factor final please.
http://youtu.be/6DKgstOctyQ
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny as "funny bone" not "funny ha ha"
* CLIFF "THE VAGINA HUNTER" RICHARD - an
amusing edit on Wikipedia caught by Google.
http://goo.gl/lkOkF
* DUTCH POLITICIAN - tomtarrell writes, "One
for your funny names corner. The unfortunately
named Dutch politician, Mr Tiny Kox. He
probably drives a Ferrari."
http://goo.gl/j40HT
* GOATSE BOOK - aljwhite writes, "I was
looking for economics books on Amazon.
Surprised to find a Goatse." Hmm, never
realised Superman was just a big goatse.
http://goo.gl/J0u8w
* MORE SCAT - dazsnow writes, "Jumping on the
scat bandwagon, there is a popular clothing
band that you'll find in shopping centres in
China, alongside H&M, Zara and so on. It's
called 'Scat' and despite selling mainly pink
girly styles and me being a manly man, I once
ventured into the shop just to ask the
assistants what exactly they thought 'Scat'
meant in English. 'Why, Sexy Cat of course'
came the reply. Well that's cleared that one
up then. This link is all in Chinese but the 3
English words add testimony to my report."
http://baike.baidu.com/view/1680863.htm
* HAIRY EBAY AUCTION - @themella writes,
"Looks like a bear that's clipper-shaved
everything but its wrists."
http://goo.gl/hkOlX
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Acronyms Challenge
Last week we wanted you to misinterpret
acronyms, or invents new ones
Your favourites included:
* NSFW - whatever you do, don't click.
Just don't (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620052
* DRIFT - spectacular driving from
wheelchair-bound physicist (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10623734
* B3TA - mighty yet disturbing Star Wars/
Total Recall mashup (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620102
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-acronyms/
>> New challenge: NASA <<
This week's challenge is to boldly go
where no man has been before, and 'shop
NASA's extensive photo archive. Moon
stuff. Space ships, etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FREE HAPPYTOAST XMAS CARDS - "Blue Peter
style original artwork for sale and general
charity tin shaking", offers tip-top
photoshop gent HappyToast.
http://www.happytoast.co.uk/Xmas11.html
* SEXY YEAST BREAD - sittingduck writes, "Is
it possible to make dough with flour and a
yeast infection? Sort of... a lactobacillus can
be used; it's at least partly related to the
Candida-type of yeast that causes thrush. Both
are present in the healthy human body. The
bread is called sourdough. To make sourdough,
get some bread flour (wholemeal is best for
the starter), add water till it's a sort of
spunk-consistency paste, and let the yeast in
the air get to it. Wave it around your kitchen
for a bit. Then cover it with cling-film and
stick it somewhere warm for a week till it's
bubbly. Next, find one of the 100,000,000
sourdough recipes online on how to make it.
It's trickier than the packets but tastes
awesome."
* CYRIAK INTERVIEW - the king of Adobe
After Effects fesses up all.
http://goo.gl/zL5Mx
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: FRIDAY GAME
Estimate your piss
The next time you need a wee, take a guess at
the quantity (1 pint? 2 pints?). Carry at least
four pint glasses to the loo and see if you're
right. To play this game is to win.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COMIC SANS BANDS - Do a project where you
remake band logos and album covers with comic
sans. And clipart.
* LEGO DEFRAG - Araucaria asks, "I'd put
together a Lego construction with the kids and
had the urge to rearrange the bricks so the
colours were grouped instead of being mixed up.
What it needed was a Lego defrag, but I'm too
talentless to animate such a thing, so if
anyone wants an idea..."
* TURNIP CAKE - Can you make a carrot cake but
use turnips?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy people: [email protected]
Wankers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by some twat with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Webboinit,
mart.simpson, oAmadeuso, Hellzapoppin,
a_gnome, Tribs, Beau Bo D'Or, sinisterduck,
bigandclever, @sadeagle, @TheMichaelMoran,
King Ralph, GoldBarr & augsav. Top Tippery by
Theophilous Thunderwulf. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Save money on expensive toilet paper by wanking
straight into the toilet.
